well, this is new.

Hi guys! I'm back.

Uh...

Well, this is new. It's different.. but in a good way. 

I mean today's Monday. And, well, school was pretty good today. Saw a documentary in Spanish class, in English, and instead of having our other-daily math quiz, there was no quiz today. So, a good start. 

Unfortunately, I have so much homework due tomorrow. I procrastinate on everything, so I'm not done with my homework yet. Haha, Cutepups is such a bad influence. Um.. what.. it's true. 

Ok whatever. My birthday is on Sunday. I won't be online for most of the day. Wow, I'll be 16. Starting driving lessons soon.. oh boy. Wow, I'm getting old. I'm pretty sure when I made my birthday post 2 years ago when I turned 14, I made it such a big deal about how I'm so old. Now, 2 years later, I'm even older. Who would've thought? (If I could meet myself from 2 or 3 years ago, I would beat my past self up. Gosh, I was such a hyper nerd. Now I'm just a tired nerd. Meh.). 

I still find it surreal (that's probably not the right word, but oh well). A few years ago, I always imagined myself having a sweet 16 party with friends and all that girly stuff. But now I'm like, that's not happening. Sure, I have classmates who had sweet 16s. But me having one? That can't happen, man. I don't really have any real life friends left. Except for 1 or 2.. maybe. And I'm not as girly as other girls my age. Like sure, I like dresses and cute stuff (lolita fashion.. good stuff) and aesthetic and dance classes.  But.. how to put it.. I'm not as girly as I thought I would be at this age. Honestly, almost every girl in my school wears makeup on a daily basis (even those who don't wear girly girl stuff). And then there's me who's like the school's loner who rarely talks and wears the same two hoodies, and who only puts on makeup sometimes (only when I really feel like it, even rarer on schooldays). But I'm not a tomboy. So.. haha. Yet I'm happy that I can still kinda make myself look like a boy. Somewhat. Heh.. me. Didn't I say I hate puberty? Yeah. 

Oh yeah, I feel totally different than last week. I felt pretty dead last week. Now I'm not in nearly as much body pain. And I don't feel as depressed as I did for the past several weeks. But it's annoying. Like at least once every 2 weeks, there are these 2 days back-to-back where I feel weirdly positive and not depressed (depressed as in the symptoms of depression). And right after those days, this big pain strikes and I feel even more horrible than before. So I'm always skeptical of myself. Like if I go a day feeling more positive, I begin invalidating myself over everything. Which is a bad thing to do, right. And, well, I also felt pretty good yesterday. So, hopefully, happiness will stay in my mind for the remainder of this week. At least. 

Instead of listening to depressing songs these past few days, I've been listening to anime soundtracks like I have been doing a year ago. But different anime ones. Ahem...

Over these past few days (3, 4, 5?) I watched this fairly new anime. 

Maybe that's one reason I feel less crappy. I'm not listening to the same songs with depressing lyrics on repeat over and over. 

So anyway, I like it. Here's a link to watch it (I watched it on there, haha): https://kissanime.to/Anime/Boku-dake-ga-Inai-Machi <3 ;;

Uh.. ok. There's this Animal Jam ad there for me. AJ is always after me. AJ please, I haven't been on since February. I haven't visited animal jam.com since then. And that was for 1 or 2 days. The Leap Year Party disappointed me, AJ. I highly doubt I'm going to ever purchase another club membership. What do you want from me, AJ? What is it?! 

I swear, AJ ads are everywhere I go on my tech devices. That's an anime site for crying out loud. What are they doing there? This is incredible.

Do several AJ ads follow you around on your journey through the internet, too? 

Wow ok, got carried away there. 

Well anyway, I also found this wholesome website. What a wholesome stickman preview game. What a wholesome stick. 

Go to it here: http://www.drawastickman.com/episode1 

Have fun with your stickman! He will go far. Good, stickman, my glorious child. :')

Moving topics again...

I'm going to explain what my poem, Wax, really means. And if you visit my DeviantArt (more of you Blogger people are approaching me on there it seems, haha I sin oh no), you might have noticed I categorized it as horror. Well.. I'll be explaining why. 

Oh and if you're confused, my DA avatar currently is a sleeping black cat. And my name starts with Blue. So yeah, that's me. No one stole my art, that's me, ok. 

So anyway, like nearly all my deep writings, it centers around this depression and anxiety aspect. (I tried writing a happy poem with no depressive undertones, it didn't end up well. Um..). Oh and when I say depression, I don't mean just sadness. It's feeling down, sure, but it's more than that. It's more than that, and I don't really know how to explain it. And when I say anxiety, I don't just mean fear either. Because anxiety is more than that, too. Yeah ok, for a while now, I've had a mix of anxiety and depression. I like to imagine it like a circle of misery. I get depressed when I have anxiety, and then I get anxiety when I get depressed. Like, it sucks. Being so scared of so many things, and feeling awful for all the missed opportunities and seeing myself as a fail who can't be normal and communicate casually like other people. And the other factors. Which basically summarizes what avpd is. Like, ok, I constantly view myself as a failure at living life and who thinks no one really cares about me if I won't be around one day. People excluding family, I mean. So.. yeah. More info on my mental state, I guess. Whatever.

So yeah, Wax. Ok.

The black room symbolizes that anxiety, depression, and any other unnecessary negative thing. (Thing.. wow, my vocab is superb!). 

The solid wax of the candle is life, like society. Paralyzed.. the living. Trapped and stuck in society expectations that no one can escape from. Like how society carved a path for us on how to live life. 

The melted liquid wax is death, the dead. It's ironic, I know, but in a way the dead are more free than the living. But like, the dead don't have to worry over society expectations and the burden of just living life. I don't mean to object any religious afterlife stuff, whatever, but really. For example, the dead don't have to worry about paying taxes and jobs. And the many, many other burdens of life. (Heh, what is this, Cutepups is seeing death in a good light? And her mind thinks of death almost every day since the future is too profound and she has little hope left of being a someone? Wow, this is absurd. How dare she not love living life!). 

The plate is the earth. The living and dead are both stuck on earth. And the candle is on the plate.

The fire is hope, happiness, purpose. When it was only on the candle, it symbolizes there being a purpose in life. But soon enough, the living die. So, that's that. And when the plate shatters and everything is messed up, the growing fire symbolizes less purpose specifically, but more hope and happiness. And it grows bigger and bigger until there's more bright light of the fire than the dark nothing of before. 

And it's more on the horror side when I write that I can finally see again. So it's like there has to be this fire that destroys the room and eventually the entire building, and then that sense of hope and happiness finally stays. And since it's fire, that I eventually melts and dies in the fire. The fire destroyed everything, which gave light and hopeful happiness, but fire destroyed everything, and eventually I in the end.

If that makes sense. Haha, so that's my poem analytical explanation. 

Heh, I'm never a truthfully peaceful creative writer.

This post seems long. I'll end it here. 

Bye.

~ Cutepups