uffghfgh pain

Hey. I really shouldn't type this today, but I am anyway.

I still have to write an essay. Haha, screw it. I'm gonna type up a post now instead.

So, well, life. School isn't that bad yet. Teachers don't seem that bad so far. Maybe that's some form of hope? But the work.. heh.. doing actual work now. Wow.. school.. wow.

I joined a club today. Maybe the slim chance that if I become more social and busy irl (even though that only stresses me out more), then maybe (just maybe) I'll have more friends and be less sad and depressed.

Haha, what a concept. But hey, I'll be clinging onto any sense of possible hope there is.

Man, I miss feeling happy and not empty when out in public. Man, not being fake is such a concept. Ha, ha.

Heck yeah, I'm still a wreck. Woop.

Weird enough, I think being in certain classes in school (*cough* not math *cough*) gives a very slight bit of hope. I'm still pretty damn hopeless though, don't get me wrong. But hearing your peers not know what they would like to do after high school, it kinda in a way gives me hope. Like it's okay to not know your own future yet. Like, haha yay, I'm not as much of a screw up as I think I am and what my family sometimes thinks I am. Wow, how nice. I also got a 100 on my physics quiz while several other classmates got high 60s. Makes me feel accomplished and less like a complete and utter fail. Nice. So nice.

The downside is I find it harder than ever to stay motivated long enough to start my homework and classwork. And to be concentrated on schoolwork long enough to not be distracted. Distracted by nothing though. So that ties into being unmotivated. It's hard to stay focused and stay concentrated. I'm just ....blank. It takes me a bit longer to finish things compared to other classmates because of this.

Anyone want to validate me by having the same/similar struggles?

.... No? Whatever ok.

Still tired. Nearly all day every day. Morning till night. Always tired. Always up for sleep. But can't. Gotta go to school and do schoolwork and then go home and do more schoolwork.

I'm gonna try to go to sleep earlier. Before midnight. Even if I sleep earlier, I'm still tired the entire day.

Having so much to do but being tired totally sucks. But no what makes it worse?

.... Haha yes, that's right. Pain. :'))

From head to feet in body aches sure is fun. Mm, gotta have those body aches. So. Much. Fun. :'))

I don't even get my freaking goddamn period for another two to three weeks, but does that stop me from having body aches there that are like freaking cramps there now? Nope. It hurts. It's annoying. Heck. Stupid biological female things.

Another thing is when I overthink way too much. And, oh shoot, there's a thought. Then the realization that yes, weight on chest, brain replies with bringing pain there too. There, there pain everywhere. And then not being able to fall asleep for another hour because I can't stop thinking of how this weight is paining me.

Mm, so fun. :'))

Life is quite the ongoing struggle for everyone.

Oh yeah. I went to the mirror last night. And, like, one side of my forehead was just bleeding. I was like wow ok. Life, huh?

Heck yeah, I'm such a wreck. Such a foolish wreck.

Man, oh man, do I hate how so many (so many people, especially girls jfc girls can be so annoying ok but anyone of any gender can be annoying as well) people constantly say, "____________ or I'll kill myself".

Like, ok, you sure about that? Are you really sure?

You're gonna kill yourself because you have to take pages of notes for homework? You're gonna kill yourself because you lost the whole ton of notes you took? You're gonna kill yourself because you didn't get that expensive car you wanted yet?

Just.. people. Ugh.

You're not gonna kill yourself just because of those reasons. Those inconveniences. Jfc. You're just gonna get really upset if those things happened.

Yeah ok shh. I'm talking about specific people I know in my school. Ok, ok.

It's so annoying constantly hearing certain people say they'll "kill themselves" over practically anything that doesn't benefit them. It.. just.. gahh.

Hearing non-suicidal (that you know aren't suicidal) constantly say crap like, "I'm gonna kill myself". Just.. ugh.

People saying those two words while smiling and laughing and as a joke all the freaking time. It.. just.. why.

Heck man, I'll never understand why people like to casually say they're gonna kill themselves when they're enjoying their lives and never had suicidal thoughts.

It.. wow, what a foreign concept.

I know humor is involved. For example, yeah, people can use humor when they say they're suicidal. Like yeah man, humor can be a coping mechanism.

But constantly hearing from the people who clearly don't think about death and have suicidal thoughts "waaaaa i wanna kill myself now haha!!" really makes me hate students at school.

In extremely anxiety-provoking and embarrassing situations, I panic and regret and hate myself to an all time high.

Like when you're already the wreck that you are, and something very bad happens involving you. Yeah, like that. Traumatic things. Things that just happened recently. Things that happened so many years ago that are your own fault but not for all of them. Things that still screw you up and automatically make you hate yourself. Things that your brain just won't let go of those goddamn memories.

In situations like that, I get intrusive thoughts that relate to death and suicide.

Ha, ha, ha........... :'))

For example:

Dad: *yelling, furious* That's bullsh¡t. You're lying. It's your fault. It's your own f**king fault. You're failing your life. What are you gonna do? You have nothing. (blah more negativity blah)

Me: *suddenly is thinking about death and lowkey suicidal thoughts (besides "wow i'm gonna kill myself... ok i'm good") because clearly I have disappointed someone close in my life and I'm a total failure at everything in life and lol not like anything's gonna suddenly change for the better :))))*

I just had a nightmare the other night about him yelling at me and being that way again.

Heck, I'm a wreck.

That's only one example.

Ok. I typed this. Whatever. Screw it. Screw everything.

Bye.