First day of fall yet it feels very much like summer. My legs still hurt, ow.
NF songs.. oh geez, man. Oh feelings, oh heck me right up.
Last post.. oh whelp. What happened? A big mess happened there.
That happens with most of my posts though. Almost all of them. They're all messes. I always regret at least a small portion in my posts.
And then the next day, I'm like "... wtf did I write?"
So umm anyways. Gonna type about some more serious story notes.
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I think I might go with making Ryen's real full name be Aryen. And because Aryen is very similar to Aryan (like aryan race) Ryen never refers to himself as Aryen. So basically, Z was the only person to call Ryen, Aryen. Oh and Z only called pre-Fierdan, Daniel. And making it sound like Danielle because pre-Fierdan wasn't that tough or masculine stereotyped.
So then it'll be. Aryen and Daniel. Are their real full names. Right now, I like how that goes together. Umm.. any thoughts on this?
It's ironic in a way since the aryan race thing means white-skinned, blond, blue-eyed are the superior race. (Right? idk). But Ryen has black hair and gray eyes. And Ryen, Danny, and Z all aren't solely white-skinned. Only partially.
Z planned to make his children most superior due to being the sons of a genius. Yeah, Z was a genius. He had a god complex too. Superior complex to other humans. Yep, that's him.
The more I think and write about Ryen makes me love him and get emotional over him.
Aryen and Daniel. Sons with so many opposites. White and blue; black and red. Emotionless; too emotional. Mother's eyes; father's eyes. Cold; heat. Apathy; passion. Darkness; fire light.
-x-x-
I'm thinking of making their father's real name be something different from Zios. So I keep on calling him, Z.
And I've been calling their mother, C. Because her name will be based off of the name, Calliah.
About Calliah......
There are heavy parallels between Ryen and Danny's parents (C and Z), and Duke's parents (Calliah and Eternal). Except unlike Calliah, C is such a good mother. Well, C was never abusive. C freaking left Ryen and Danny to be alone with their father (who is a huge piece of sh!t). And Z had a god/superior complex. As if he was a god. As if he's the eternal ruler. And look at that, Eternal is the name of Duke's father.
Calliah has phantom powers, and didn't tell Eternal that she and Duke have phantom powers. Because then Eternal would think it would be justified if he killed both of them. And if Eternal worked at the same place as Taurel, that could be another reason why Taurel is so anti-Duke (phantom, Fierdan, Elemental Powers) which are all things Eternal deeply hate. Eternal could have told Taurel to hunt down Duke as soon as he discovered Duke's true identity.
C had magical powers, and didn't tell Z that she and Danny have powers. And both sons have Elemental Powers, which makes them not as normal humans compared to the general population. And Z doesn't like the concept of other people having these unnatural powers. Because it'll make them extraordinary. Which ruins Z's godly complex. So Z would plan to have anyone who threatened him in that way by having them killed. But honestly, if Z found out about Danny and Ryen's powers earlier, he would probably have spared their lives. Only because Z sees his sons as his own best creations. So he wouldn't want to destroy them. In that way, Z loves Ryen and Danny. Because they're his best creations.
-x-x-
This one is a lot more general.
I've been making several posts about future chapters content because I'm not sure when I'll have the time to write full chapters and I don't want to forget all my story plans.
Life is stressful and hectic. I'm barely holding it together, oops haha. I'm losing it, lads.
I want there to be posts where I say what I plan to include in future chapters, so then I don't have to rely on my memory alone and a vague chapter outline. I have proof of chapter events on my blog already that I could use as reference when writing the chapters.
And besides, writing about my story plans is like a break from reality. It's like the only thing I'm passionate about. The only actual thing. Posting about the story comforts me a lot more than me venting about my personal stuff and feelings. So I enjoy posting my story plans in a still pretty vague way.
This story is like a long-term project I have that's all mine. It's something I'm always working on to improve. My writing and plans have definitely improved since 2014 and 2015. And I feel like I accomplished something then. It's all just a huge work in process.
To be honest, I feel inadequate and not good enough to still be alive. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't think that bad stuff. But idk what to do. I'm falling behind in life. I'm told that I've accomplished nothing nearly all the time now. Which.. is hurtful?
(Great. I might cry as I type this post too. Ugh.)
I'm that more smiley and giggly friend. I try to be the more upbeat one around them. Because I know their lives are sad; they're in worse living situations.
But.. damn it.. I really got it lucky. Loved, supported.. I got that. I really do.
But why.. why do I feel so lost in life and feel like I'm not meant to be here?
I don't even know, but talking to one of my friends just makes me feel bad. I'm Danny, the emotional one; they're Ryen, the one that seems emotionless and cold. (If you're reading this, you're not the friend.)
Sorry, friend. I know life sucks. Life is hard right now, huh. I got that. I understand that.
If I have it all so good, then why.....
.... then why do I still want to die? And like what you said, "kms"?
For real.
w h y
................
Working on this story feels like the only thing I'm doing right. Makes me feel adequate and accomplished. Makes me feel things.
The story is the only thing I can control in life right now. I'm barely handling anything else. I can't control life to the same extent as the story.
This story.. it comforts me.
Oh and I know the main emotions of the story are pain, misery, and brokenness. But there are so many other emotions in the story too. There's happiness, love, heartbreak, anger, laughter, innocence, lack of that..... and more.
Characters are more than one-dimensional. They have feelings more than just sadness. They were happy at one point.
Because of this, I could find more things that remind me of my characters. Depending on what time in their lives. Uh.. yeah.
For this topic, all the words in my head are jumbled letters. I can't really put them into sentences.
That's it. I'm outta here.
-x-x-
I feel like I'm giving off the feel that all parents of the main characters have abusive parents or just bad parents in general.
It's just that my favorite characters, Duke and Fierdan, have been abused with one of their abusers being a parental figure.
Actually.. huh.. explaining Fierdan's is complicated. Same goes for Ryen. Fierdan and Ryen both share the same abusive parent. But Ryen was more abused by the parental figure than Fierdan. It's hard to really explain right now, sorry.
What I'm trying to say is.....
Not all parents in the story are abusive and bad. There are good parents. Whether that be one good parent or two good parents.
Twinkle's parents are also pretty bad. They treated her badly, huh. Ugh.
Ardere has a bad and complicated relationship with his father. Like.. man.. his father hates him. Because Ardere thinks he's a fox and not a wolf, and because of his Elemental Power.
But besides them, I don't think the other characters' parents are inherently bad people.
Not all of my favorite main characters have been abused (by their parents or overall).
Ok. Got that? Abuse isn't everything in this story. Sorry if I ever made it look that way.
Sorry if I ever made it look like I'm idealizing abuse. As if I'm writing it as if it's a normal and common thing. I really hope I didn't though. It never was my intention.
Thinking that I could be interpreted that way haunts me. Makes me feel more toxic. Ugh.
-x-x-
Cast my sins into the sea.
Still want to not exist anymore.
Still don't know a damn thing.
If having these thoughts is a sin, then I have already sinned again.
That, or I couldn't have cast that sin away.
.................
Goodbye.
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