Have a list.
.... brain machine broke. :•(
———————
• It was a Wednesday. From the day I dreamed it, that Wednesday would be a week from then.
• In that dream, the outside temperature was 195 or 295 degrees Fahrenheit. I had to go outside, and I was terrified because that’s like.. extremely hot. I think I had to go outside to go to school (..? if I remember correctly).
• 195 F = approx. 90.5556 C || 295 F = approx. 146.111 C (hot damn! *dies*)
(one more weird dream)
• I was lying in my bed. I was creating stuffed animal seals. I remember shaping them into seals and designing faces on them.
• The seals were white. Their faces looked like :3 (yes,,).
• While in the middle of doing this, I sat up in my bed and loudly and passionately started singing “Memory” or “Memory (Reprise)” from Cats the Musical. I don’t know why I was singing it, but I was.
• This part from the song though: “The memory is fading. Touch me! It’s so easy to leave me! All alone with the memory of my days as a star!”
• I wasn’t even listening to that song a lot. So, uh.. what.
• It’s probably my favorite song from the musical though, I’ll admit that.
(umm ok)
....... ok like no offense or anything but having a dysfunctional brain sucks. this shit sucks, bro.
I can’t even write decent sentences. Any attempt at writing is shit.
How the hell am I supposed to be a writer if I can’t even write?
I can’t even bother to read over my recent posts because I know the sentences are all bad and barely make sense. Heck, what does this even say?
(might as well throw my dreams down the toilet)
(that doesn’t even make sense. metaphor, who?)
I ...
• can’t concentrate
• can’t write
• can’t put my thoughts onto paper (at least some of them, non-vague ones)
• can’t stay focused for long
• sometimes hear quiet sounds that other people around me don’t seem to notice or care about (and those sounds bother me so much omg,,)
• rarely sit “normally” in chairs when I’m home (I’m almost always in a weird position)
[ • sitting “normally” hurts after a while
• standing still without crossing my legs or having one leg behind the other also hurts after a short while (well yes, I stand weird too) ]
• am possibly more screwed up than I previously thought
• am a freak
hahahahaha hahahahaha
// death and suicidal talk below because i’m an edgy egg //
My nose is screwing me over again. It’s hard to breathe.
I still want to die. When do I not want to die? At this rate- never!
Add on how the majority of the websites I check nearly daily have been updated and gone to even worse shit than before (the sites have been shit for a while, they’ve just got even worse somehow), and I bet this sounds dramatic but like.. I swear that makes me even more suicidal.
I’m so sick of being alive. There’s no point in staying alive this summer. I’ve been keeping a countdown of dread till the day I go back to college.
The slightest thing ticks me off. I get irritated easily. So seeing websites I frequently go to suddenly change annoys me greatly. And being inconvenienced from one of the few things that makes me feel somewhat good makes me feel.. less willing to stay alive.
Even websites annoy the hell out of me. Of course this blog is included in that. I hate this fucking blog. Why do I still post here? I don’t even know.
If I wasn’t so [lazy] I bet I would have killed myself already. Especially this summer. Lmao. There’s absolutely nothing keeping me here on this fucking planet.
([lazy] may be replaced with other words)
Nothing makes me happy these days. Food- no. Watching any TV show (ok more like a show online)- no. Playing games- no. Reading books- no. Sleep- no. Going out somewhere and having what “normal” people would consider fun- no.
Nothing is enjoyable, and that absolutely kills me. What the hell am I supposed to do? I really don’t know.
I went to the beach yesterday (Monday) and hated it.
If nothing can make me happy, what’s the point?
Going back to college means starting classes again, which I know will make me even more miserable. And it’s not just the idea of classes which makes me dread college. Everything about going back there brings me dread now.
Also.. no offense but fuck ‘friends’ lmao.
I’m sick of no one caring, no one wondering about me, no one wanting to hang out with me, people showing off how much fun they’re having over the summer, how I always have to end up initiating conversations in order to maintain literally any friendship.. like, fuck this shit.
That shit really does have to happen every fucking time, huh. That’s great. Truly. *slowly claps*
And I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of being tired. I’m so tired of being tired all the time.
No matter how much sleep I get, I swear I always feel exhausted. I could sleep a lot at night, take at least one or two hour-or-longer naps a day and still feel extremely tired. Staying inside all day makes me easily tired. Going out makes me tired even faster. Sleeping doesn’t get rid of the tired. It feels like nothing gets rid of the tired.
I’m just so fucking done with everything.
/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/
If anyone read my vent journal part of this terrible post, then thanks. Not sure why anyone would have read it though.
Anyway, I’m an abnormal freak and that’s the tea.
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