But before that, two things:
1. Everyone in my math class colluded, which makes me have some faith in other people. :)
2. I was reading over Chapter 22, and I just have to say. I don't know why I made Duke say that Finny's full name is Infinity when it's supposed to be Finn. I don't know why Admiral said Duke played on the school's soccer team when Duke didn't play soccer in general. Reading that was weird. Reading anything I wrote in 2014 is weird. I was weird, let's be real here.
Anyway, this might be controversial, but. I really like "Explain Yourself at the Help" skit 3. I'm proud of it, to be honest.
I said there was going to be potentially triggering content in there. So.. yeah.
I'm going to talk about those things, so I'm putting this here:
[tw: self-harm, suicide, abuse, harassment/assault, alcohol/drugs.. uh, might be forgetting something. explicit language too.]
-----------------------------
I guess the first thing I should say is that I've been getting serious in the skits. The skits create a story just like how the chapters do. I really like the story I created through my skits.. maybe more than my chapters at this point.
The characters grow and develop through the skits. It shouldn't be a surprise that I'm going to mention Duke and Fierdan here.
Only recently have I realized that I was working on Duke's character development in all (or nearly all) my skits from November 2017 (or earlier but I'm too lazy to check beyond then) till now. The same goes for Fierdan.
Ever since November or December 2017, I began making my skits be about Fierdan and Duke dealing with their trauma. And they didn't go through the same traumatic experiences (in story 1).
I think at one point I thought I was only writing about Fierdan's trauma and PTSD, but I realized I've been writing about Duke's for almost as long as Fierdan's. In the skits, I mean.
And like.. all these skits are about Duke's gradual descent into poor mental health because of all the traumatic events he goes through (@ story 1). My most recent skit arc is supposed to be Duke hitting rock bottom. Every other skit led to that moment.
I'm not sure if I made it that obvious, so I'll state it now:
I've been interested in Duke. Duke's trauma and past. Duke's possible PTSD/C-PTSD. I've been thinking about it a lot recently. It just seems so obvious to me that he has it. I know I have to rewrite a lot of shit though. And I don't just mean after Taurel tortured Duke, I mean I see Duke having been traumatized way before that. And I know not everyone who has gone through trauma gets that mental illness; it's just that I can easily see Fierdan and Duke having it.
Duke. Yeah, I do this boy so wrong. So, so wrong. (*smh* me)
I'm going to talk all about my newest skit. Got that? Ok.
-x-x-x-
I know I wrote the skit very unrealistically. I know something like that can't and won't happen in a first therapy session. Ok, I know.
(I know I made you guys hate me again, just let me explain the skit..)
Every time I imagine Duke (after story 1) going to real therapy, I just see him behaving like.. how I wrote him in the skit.
As in:
• What Duke says will make even a well-experienced mental health professional clueless on how to help Duke. And a little scared of him. (I know that's probably unrealistic, but Duke's past experiences are pretty hard for a stranger to believe and not be a little haunted by, so.. yeah idk.)
• Duke would swear a lot. Especially when he talks about subjects that are far more than simply uncomfortable. Duke says "fuck" in little to no time after meeting someone like a therapist. He either doesn't care if he says profanities, or he can't help it. Maybe it's both.
• Unlike probably any other person, I imagine Duke being like, "ah, fuck it!" and talking about the heavy and dark shit of his past. Because Duke doesn't care. He just wants to talk about that.. stuff. Because he's held it in for so long. And I want to make Duke be very impulsive, so maybe Duke goes into talking about his past in detail without fully intending to.
• I can see him almost immediately going into detail about his past of self-harm, suicide, abuse/torture, and alcohol consumption. Which, I know, is extremely unrealistic. But come on now, it's Duke. Is there anything realistic about him? He can't be entirely relatable, I'm sorry, but that's impossible. But at the same time, Duke is also vague about all that. Like yeah, he mentions those things, but he's also vague about them. (yeah idk how to phrase things)
-x-x-x-
My body feels terrible now. Wtf.
I might have to make another post about this.
Sorry.
-x-x-x-
When I think about Chapter 27, all I can think is:
"Wow, that was so fucked up!"
For a pretty long time now, I've been thinking about what little six nine year old Duke did in the bathroom as being a suicide attempt. Like ok.. Duke cuts into his skin that's above his heart. He was so upset and desperate to hurt himself, so he probably wanted to die then too. And like, fuck, he has to be a little kid during all this. He's a small kid. He used to be so small that it's cute and concerning. I mean.. living with his parents.. what do you honestly expect? And like.. he forces the object he's using to go further into his skin so that he bleeds more. Duke wanted to cut into his heart; he didn't really care about how much blood he was losing.
Just thinking about Duke (as a little kid!) doing that makes me shaky and scared. It's so fucked up, omg.
-x-x-x-
(Gonna skip to when Duke talks more about suicide. What a cheerful topic! God!)
I want to highlight parts from these two skits from November 2017:
&
Duke: *sighs and replies to Brock* For the last time, yes. Several times.
Brock: *stares at Duke even though only he can only see Duke's back* Then how are you even alive?
Duke: *with emotionless voice?* I don't know.
Brock: But with what happened, then surely those options couldn't have failed?
Duke: They all failed.
Brock: How many times did you.. umm.. try?
Finny: *looks at Brock and coughs* Stop asking him so many invasive questions. Duke is already having a bad day without you wanting to know the details about that time of his life.
&
Brock: I just wanted to know how you attempt--
Finny: Why do you care so much about that? It doesn't concern you, and I don't want to know how you found out about it because I know Duke didn't explicitly tell you any details.
Brock: I'm curious, that's all.
Finny: If you're that interested in dying, then get help or something.
......
Yeah, isn't it obvious? (lol)
Brock was asking Duke about his suicide attempts. Not sure why he would in the first place, but he does. Damn it, Brock was so invasive. Who the hell asks that? Ugh, what were you doing, Brock?!
Me, thinking about Duke: wow, this is one suicidal boy! (ow..)
And so in my new skit, I decided on the number being between five and seven.
("several times" ummmmmm)
Duke just can't hecking die. Dang..
He always has an internal struggle of whether he wants to live or die. Well, during the time story 1 takes place in. I think before all that, Duke was leaning more towards "wanting to die". And hey, he doesn't really care whether he lives or dies. All his life he's had the message of "you're better off dead" drilled into his head. During the story, the intensity of that statement goes into a whole other degree (thanks, fierdan and taurel!).
Geez, this is one sad and tragic character. Yikes.
......
I never really planned on how Duke specifically tried to kill himself all those times. I only thought about him trying to more than once or twice. And that Duke isn't afraid of suicide and death unlike most other people, including Fierdan.
This line, "Duke: One time, I tried to slice my arms open. That was the most painful thing I ever did to myself, I swear." is in reference to something I drew.
Yeah.. heh.
(my bad art tho)
-x-x-x-
I really hope I'm not romanticizing these topics. I didn't mean to.
I just imagine Duke talking about these topics like.. that. Like how I wrote the skit.
Cursed? Probably.
-x-x-x-
Fierdan in a December 2017 skit:
Fierdan: I hate having to be treated in a certain way. I hate this; I hate that. I just want to be treated like any other person. But I can't because I'm not normal! I don't want to be treated as if I'm fragile, as if something's wrong with me, but I get it, okay? I am fragile, and there is a long list of things that are wrong with me.
&
Duke in the newest skit:
Duke: *frowns* Don't treat me like I'm fragile all of a sudden. I'm the same person as I was before.
Ahh, it's a Fierdan-Duke parallel! Ooh!
-x-x-x-
Sorry, guys, I can't continue anymore.
I have to work on something, anyway.
I don't have enough energy to talk about the content I didn't mention yet.. and do my thing for class.
My body hurts a little too. And there's this smell I can't stand. But I don't want to leave my dorm room.
So anyway.. yeah. I'll make a part 2 later when I feel like it.
This post already seems pretty long. Maybe cutting it into two posts is a good thing.
(ok yeah sure..)
No comments:
Post a Comment