Before I go into the reasons I made this post, I'm going to say this.
The skit story I've posted this week isn't over yet. I have at least one part left to write for it.
I'm not going to continue it until January.
I might make another post today, but I honestly doubt it.
So.. I guess this it. Today is December 31st. The last day of 2018.
(Oh and I know for some of you, it's already 2019. Happy New Year!)
Now onto the main reason I made this post- reflecting back on 2018!
2018 has definitely been a long year. I read several things online about this year feeling like three or more separate years.
Anyway, I'm here to say that I highly relate to that. 2018 felt never-ending, I swear.
I feel so disconnected from how I was at the start of the year. I did so many things. I had to go through changes. Like.. that's wild, guys.
In January, I got my college acceptance letter to the college I'm currently a student at.
The first half of the year (and of course the last few of 2017) I had thoughts of suicide (that suicide ideation though) and thoughts about feeling so disconnected from being born female that sometimes went to me hating being that. I had all these thoughts constantly. Nearly every day.
Then at some point in June, they vanished. Not completely, but they stopped bothering me every day.
I mean.. yeah, I still feel pretty hopeless about my future. But like, I don't think of dying as often anymore. Sometimes the thoughts do come back, but they don't stay around as long as they used to.
I haven't made any vent posts in so long because I haven't felt any need to. I don't really have anything to.. well, to vent or rant about. I enjoy how I primarily create posts about my stories and characters. In a way, it's fun. It's a break from the stress going on in my life. It's pretty nice.
I'm still a little disconnected from being female, but my hatred (?) for it is less intense..? I used to hate hearing people call me "she" and "her(s)", but now I don't. Being at college made me realize I might just hate hearing those words because of how members of my family would say them in this tone they sometimes use. It bothers me when they say those words to me, but it doesn't bother me when other people (like my friends at college) say them.
I don't know for sure if I'm truly female or something else. And now I know that I'm fine with she/her, but I don't care that much about pronouns overall.
So yeah, haha, I'm still a mess of a human being. (ayy)
So anyway, the first half of the year was basically me finishing high school. That all felt a year or two ago, now when I think about it. Graduation felt so long ago.. geez.
The perceived second year of 2018 for me has to be the week I spent in France with my grandma at the end of June and start of July. That felt so long ago too. I was in high school this year, and I went to France too. Huh? That felt ages ago, haha. Actually, this summer felt like an entire year ago.
(I have to type this quickly. I'm saying "ago" too much, huh.)
And the perceived third year of 2018 started in September when I started my first college semester, and it ends today on December 31st. Starting college felt so long ago too, but at the same time it passed by very fast. Like.. excuse me, what? Did I really finish my fall semester? It's over with? What? Huh?
Me: *gets all confused because of time*
So. That's my 2018 summarized, I guess. Heh..
Regarding my art and writing, I feel like I improved a lot this year. Compared to how I drew last year and at the beginning of the year, I feel like my art has improved.
I'm beginning to genuinely like how I draw male characters. I'm drawing my guys actually like boys and men. I'm happy that I'm finally able to draw Duke how I imagine his appearance being. Well, I'm closer to that point than at this time last year.
Well, haha, I like drawing guys more. I don't think that's much of a surprise, considering how much I draw Duke and Fierdan.
So yeah. The anatomy in my art has somewhat improved. Well, it's improved enough that I can see it. I know I still have to work on how I draw legs (and crotches so they don't look like freaking boxes *cough*). Oh and I have to put more effort in how I draw noses. But hey. I think I'm drawing faces and hair and the top part of my characters' bodies better. Mostly Duke's, but that's only because I draw him the most. The anatomy in my art of other characters has also improved. I like how I draw eyes and sometimes how I draw mouths now. I think I draw necks and shoulders more realistically now than earlier this year and any time before that. I know more about the differences in drawing male and female heads and how there are different shapes used when drawing their torsos. That's possibly why I think my male characters don't look as similar to my female characters now. So, uh, yay me.
(I'm rushing this post. There is a higher chance I might make another post today because I'm going to split a topic I was going to include in this one and put it in another.)
I know I didn't actually write any story chapters in 2018. Despite that, I think I worked a lot on the development of my characters (*cough* Duke, Fierdan, Dawn *cough*) and the story/stories this year. It's just that instead of writing story chapters, I did that through skits and my rambling posts. I'm kinda proud of how much time I've dedicated to my story world.
My writing skills are probably a lot better than how they were last summer (July 2017 when I wrote the last chapter that's posted). I had to write a lot in college, and I know I'll have to write a lot more. That's because of the classes I took/will take. Tons of papers.. how fun. :'} (uh.. that's because of my major. oh heck-)
Haha, my dream is to make my mess of a story world become an official thing. I have to change a ton of things for it to maybe, possibly, one day become books (story 1 (aka what I'm still writing), story 2 (aka what I have a lot of ideas on), etc.). Now, that my friends, is the dream. That would be amazing. Am I staying alive for the low chance that can happen? Hell yeah.
Oh, it's 5:00. I was going to explain part of the skit story. But I don't have enough time to go into that.
I wanted to talk about that Fierdan and J___ part. Especially that part.
Viewers first seeing it: wait wtf is going on? wasn't fierdan screaming/crying while holding duke's dead body and a bloody knife? where is he now? wait.. what? omg.. *then i guess you all died?*
Me: hahaha! my viewers must be so confused! muahahaha! ... i love their relationship, like excuse me that's like my otp. haha, where am i going with this? should i end it before they kiss or after? after? hmm alright then. ... *idk, insert lenny faces here*
Fictional relationships I'm interested in? Uh.. theirs. It's just.. so good. I love them together so much.
Story 1: uh.. they're strangers and don't know each other much at all until the end? the J___ character has been introduced in chapters already btw. (oh hmmst?!)
Story 2: they become friends at some point. mm oh yes, that wholesome platonic love. that's the best type of love there is, baby! they become very very close, and it's cute and sweet. god, i love them. towards the end, they're like "oof, i love you so much" and idk.. then they become lovers.
Story 3: by the time of that, they're very much into their relationship. oh and they become more physical not only by cuddling. a lot more kisses in more places than anywhere duke kissed twinkle. ohandyeahbystory3,theyaresleepingtogetherandtheirrelationshipbecomesprettydarnsexual--
;) oh hmmst ~
Oops, I ran out of time. I gotta go right now.
Happy new year! 2019!
!!!!!!!
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