I'm going to state the specific lyrics in the songs that remind me of Duke and/or Fierdan.
Or I'll just ramble about the songs overall and not focus on any particular lyrics.
Why? Because. Why not?
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• "Pittsburgh [No Intro]" by The Amity Affliction:
Anyway, that "Pittsburgh [No Intro]" song I first found yesterday via Spotify playlist. Dang, now I got another song with some lyrics in it that scream out Duke to me.
Like, the song reminds me of how impulsive and tragic Duke as a character is. How he thinks about death, his relationship with it (no, he's not "dancing" with death, it's a metaphor), and his feelings about his connection to Fierdan and Soulless. In the story, Duke isn't ever really on friendly good terms with Fierdan. Duke actually hates Fierdan quite.. quite a lot. They're not real close like in the skits.
Lyrics: "I've been searching for an exit, but I'm lost inside my head where I spend every waking moment wishing I was dead! For a few minutes, get me away from here! For a few minutes, wipe away my tears! ... I am low, my friend, and now my heart does sink! It's like there's cancer in my blood. ... It's like there's fire in my skin, and I'm drowning from within. I can't take another breath, please tell me I am not undone. I've been searching for an exit, but I'm lost inside my head where I spend every waking moment wishing this would end! ... I can not face another day; I am so fucking tired! ... It's like there's fire in my skin, and I'm drowning from within. I can't take another breath, please tell me I am not undone."
It's a cry for help. That feeling when you feel like you're drowning. Duke's skin literally gets to be on fire though. That's not a metaphor. Actually never mind, it can be. But it can also be literal. So, yeah ok whatever. Duke's blood is.. interesting. It's not entirely like.. like, uh, human blood.
• "Katharsis" (aka the second tg:re anime opening):
me? thinking of and being inspired by hecking tokyo ghoul/:re when i think of my boys, duke and fierdan, and post-fierdan in story 2? maybe, perhaps. i thought i mentioned something like this in 2014 or 2015. i saw a kaneki post on tumblr today too, and wow,, the current mood i'm thinking of regarding fierdan. his panic and despair and his self-grief and and and.. *explodes*.
Well, I know in the English version/s, there are lyrics about being stabbed (and saying goodbyes), and begging to be punished (? bad wording by me, I know).
my cursed brain: *thinks of the times Duke will be stabbed and him being the stabber* Duke gets stabbed in his eyes by Taurel. Duke stabs Taurel in the eye. Duke stabs phantoms or whatever word I'll use to call them with a weapon (a sword? idk). Duke gets stabbed in the heart by Fierdan (the weapon Fierdan stabs him with goes through to the other side of Duke's body and then pokes out there,, yikes that's disturbing, huh).
"punishment" - Duke: Fierdan being the punisher. Duke is ultimately punished by Fierdan killing him. His sins are forever having Soulless be a part of him, therefore Soulless can't truly die if Duke stays alive. Duke is Fierdan's proud creation but also his punishment and sin. Duke's "sins" could also be his physical self-destructive behaviors (alcohol, self-harm, suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts, homicidal thoughts and homicides (that means murders lol)).. and putting into danger all the people he cares about where they could easily die and how he's a reason why some of them died. And maybe something related to his attractions- love and lust. Who he loves, who he lusts for; who he is/was attracted to. Which, isn't actually "sin".. uh, his irrational thoughts when he looks back on his past actions? ok, moving on now.
"punishment" - Fierdan: Fierdan begs to be punished. But he is also, in part, the punisher. He punishes himself. Or maybe Soulless is the punisher? (hmm..). Lots of self-blame and guilt and shame. And flashbacks and nightmares. It's about Post-Fierdan wanting to be punished for everything he did in story 1 and before those events happen as well.
Yeah, uh, it's sad and violent. Sadly violent. Violently sad. Yeah.
• "iNSaNiTY"
It reminds me more of Fierdan than Duke. Though they both do become corrupt and lose their humanity. And honestly, yes, their sanity.
Fierdan- his past with Dawn and them growing up together, being alone in Cincernum with Soulless and creating Night Crow and Duke (the DUKE Fierdan).
Duke- having visions or hallucinations consisting of lots of violence and blood (loss), "Night of the Black Flames", the Torture Arc featuring Risak and Taurel.
Lyrics: "Hello, nice to meet you seem familiar. Have I met you before?" (idk it kinda reminds me of Fierdan meeting Dawn the first time he calls himself that. but it also kinda reminds me of Duke, after being aware of his connection to Fierdan, meeting Dawn again. though he is confused about some things regarding her. idk.) The rest of the song screams out Fierdan to me. Like, ahem.. "Insanity, the weight of the air is torture. Psychopathy, don't know who I am anymore. Insanity, the illusion of ignorance. Captivity, why don't you take a chance? ... (now this part's a big metaphor. Pre-Fierdan and Child-Fierdan would never in a million years plan and intend on being infamously known as being violent towards other people, nevertheless being a killer. but that is what people know about him, so he becomes more closely connected to his merciless cruel nature as he grows older because of others' perceptions toward him.) "I was never meant to be this painting's main centerpiece. Hidden in a corner, my outlines are fading." (outline goes before the paint. I think of it being a metaphor for "outlines" being Fierdan's original childhood nature of gentleness and not being connected to violence, and the paints being his violent actions done as a teen and adult that cover up the soft gentleness he was born with.) "... Darkness has consumed the light. Assume life of insanity. Sayonara. ... Captivity, try to stop it from corrupting my heart. Why won't anyone notice the torment? This madness is causing terror of my own self-conscious minds. Persecution, I won't survive like this." (No one but Fierdan knows about Soulless tormenting Fierdan endlessly. No one knows how much pain Fierdan has been in.) "Light is peeking through the darkness. ... Sanity, it's already fading away. Cruelty, there's things controlling me. ... Captivity, the corruption has taken me..." (Fierdan can't be rid of his corruption entirely. But, in time, he does heal and "see the light" again.)
• "Take You Down" by ILLENIUM:
Damn,, personal song,, oh geez there's me with that hecking emotional pain.
When it comes to me thinking about Duke and Fierdan as well.. these lines.. (aaahhh).
And how I think of Fierdan directing them to Dawn and Duke directing them to Finny. Well, those people being the first ones.
Lyrics: "I didn't mean to hurt you when I hurt myself. It's just an empty voice screaming out for help. No, I didn't mean to scare you. But I couldn't see that when I went to hell I was taking you with me." (btw less focus on their murders, more focus on Duke and his unhealthy coping skills where he is physically very self-destructive and doesn't care about his wellbeing at all and how he really, really wants to die.. or at least that's what he thinks? Duke doesn't want to disturb Finny, so he doesn't really open up to him about his abusive mom and what he does to himself as physical self-harm.) "When I close my eyes, I'm climbing in the dark, trying not to fall apart. ... And I don't want to take you down with me. ... This life is like a razor. When it cuts, I bleed. But it's in my hand and I'm doing it to me. ... And there's no way that now you could rescue me. When I close my eyes, I'm fighting in the dark, trying not to break your heart. ... I know that you won't understand, but you need to let go of this hand. 'Cause I'm going down, and I don't wanna take you down with me."
I need to write my story chapters better. Because, like, ok. Here's the tea.
Duke, even though he tells Twinkle more about himself faster than with Finny, he always thinks of Finny being his oldest (longest lasting) and closest friend. Duke does think he and Finny are best friends. Duke himself does not know that Finny kinda pretty much betrayed him like Sparkle did. Duke, for the most part, only has positive connotations when it comes to Finny. Duke, to some extent, never stopped loving Finny. Duke loves Finny. Duke wanted to be more than friends (I just noticed how bad that phrase is and I'm very much aromantic, so what the heck-) with Finny, which means he wanted Finny to be his boyfriend. Finny is like "wtf dude no, go get a girlfriend or something :/" wow that was so rude of you to say, Finny >:(.
my cursed brain just now: Duke 🔥 fights 🗡 🔫homophobia, Ch. 75 in 2k17. Duke takes down ⬇️ homophobic statements. Duke 🙅🏽♂️ says No to that. Duke is 🔥👍🏼🙆🏽♂️👏🏼🔥🙇🏽🌈👬👭🌈😤😩.
people not on iPhones: What the HECK are all these blank square boxes? >:U
... and so Duke is like sad and like "Ok fine but f you Finny, I'll get a girlfriend. f you." so then months pass and then there's Duke being creepy at weird hospital and is like "Hey Twinkle, I love you. *blushes* uwu owo. You, my girlfriend now. I am a Distinguished Straight. I like girls, I like women. Me, have doubts? No! So what that I'm 17 and refused to date all those other girls that wanted to date me since I sincerely felt no attraction to them whatsoever? I love you, a girl, so I am Straight. *there's some distant screeching by Duke*"
So Duke becomes very well at pretending he doesn't care about Finny at all and that he enjoys furthering the distance between them. Duke is like, "Love for Finny? Nah, I'm past that. *becomes distant with him, isn't emotional with him, runs away from him*."
Maybe Duke is so distant with Finny because he's afraid of hurting him or he's afraid of Finny hurting him. Finny pretty much rejected the hell out of Duke.
Yeah. :/ tsk, tsk.
... huh. Where did all that even come from?
Anyway, another song. I'm not doing this for all of them btw.
• "What I Wish I Could Forget" by Too Close To Touch:
Post-Fierdan (Fierdan in story 2) wants to distance/disconnect himself from his past, from his memories. He wants to kill his past self. It's not him, it's not who he is, it's not him. He hates Fierdan. He hates everything about Fierdan. Fierdan disgusts him. Fierdan is a monster. Fierdan has to die so he can know happiness.
yeah ok whatever lol.
Lyrics: "Take every memory engrained in me. Erase it from my thoughts so I can sleep. ... I know I need to move on, but it's the last thing I'm ready to do. ... I tell myself that this all will pass. But it just won't stop, and it adds all up, so I'm sure that this will last. ... I'd give anything to feel no pain. Name your price and take the past away." (His PTSD. He's desperate, he'll do anything. Therapy, medication.. yeah.) "... They say I haven't been myself. ... Combined with all the hate of things that I can't forget."
... wait, it's after midnight? since when? where did the time go? (shitshitshit)
• "Broken" by Anson Seabra:
Well, I'm just thinking about Pre-Fierdan kid Danny and how Fierdan (without Soulless) and Post-Fierdan is (are? sounds weird-) trying to communicate with that first version (? idk) of him. But since adult Fierdan/Danny can't actually talk with his child self, he asks other people to. And there goes the lyrics in this song.
I'm very sad. ;~;
And then I think of his vast amount of self-blame, self-hate (well, of Fierdan), guilt, shame that ties into his depression (or, well, something like that? depressive disorder? mood disorder?).
Lyrics: "If you see the boy I used to be, could you tell him that I'd like to find him? If you see the shell that's left of me, could you spare him a little kindness? 'Cus I've been high and I've been low, I've spent a thousand nights alone ... Am I broken? Am I flawed? Do I deserve a shred of worth or am I just another fake, fucked up lost cause? And am I human? Or am I something else? 'Cus I'm so scared and there's no one there to save me from the nightmare that I call myself. I've tried everything and anything, but nothing seems to work quite like it should. Between the sadness and the apathy, seems there's nothing left inside of me that's good."
• "It Never Ends" by Bring Me The Horizon:
I don't dislike their older songs now! I tolerate (dare I even say, I like) the screaming.
... also partially because it gives me a very specific Duke vibe that I can't put into coherent words at the moment.
... now imagine Duke scream-singing. (yikes lmao)
Uh.. Duke. Never escaping from the flame mark on his skin that covers his heart. Never escaping from Fierdan or from Soulless when he is aware of them. It never ends- the torment, what seems like the abuse, what seems like the torture. It never ends- his willingness to die, his willingness to keep on living. It never ends- Duke hurting the people he actually does not want to hurt as well as the people he hurts on purpose.
It never ends. The contradictions, well, who can blame him? It's all driving him mad. He can't take it.
Duke, what a character. Oh boy, this guy. Heck.
Duke's impulsiveness. Duke is a disaster and only evolves to become more and more of one.
Lost humanity. Lost sanity.
Aaaaaahhhhhhhh.
Lyrics: "(Take my hand, show me the way. We are the children who can't be saved.) One more nail in the coffin, one more foot in the grave. ... I've said it once, I've said it twice, I've said it a thousand fucking times. That I'm okay, that I'm fine, that it's all just in my mind. But this has got the best of me, and I can't seem to sleep. ... You say this is suicide, I say this is a war! ... This is a war I can't win! ... Every second, every minute, every hour, every day. It never ends, it never ends. ... Every second, every minute, every hour, every day. It never ends, it never ends!"
Duke's "war" is him knowing he has to die for Soulless to die or be exterminated. Duke is defensive when Fierdan says he doesn't have to kill himself (oh, Duke and his suicidal .. self). To "win" means Duke's death. Soulless staying alive is a very bad thing. No one wants that. And so, Duke can not "win the war"- but Fierdan can! Oh but wait. That just makes him hate himself even more and adds more guilt. Because, hey, killing someone like That.. that's fucked up!
• "Paper Thin" by Dangerkids
• "Paper Thin" by Dangerkids
Honestly, I don't even know how to put this. (oops lmao)
I can just picture it, hear it, imagine it. Duke angrily writing song lyrics and verses of poetry when he's alone in his room (when he's no longer living with his parents). He writes about how he's away from her (I mean his mom) and that he's stronger and older now. Duke's motto is a "Fuck you, mom!" basically. And then it's a "I'll be dead before you see me in person again. You are dead to me. Fuck you. Fuck you, Calliah. Fuck! I'll fucking kill you the next time you see me in person." Yes, lots of anger. Duke has them angry feelings (ooh, he's so scary, I'm so scared ono). And then he angrily sings/screams what he wrote. In his room (when he knows no one can hear him). In the shower (so that the water from the shower head is so loud it drowns out his singing/screaming). But he doesn't show any written versions that specify on what he's angry (or sad, or scared) about to Finny or anyone else. He wants to keep it private. That stuff is just for himself. No one else.
It's one non-physical, and non self-destructive way of Duke comprehending and going through all his life shit. It's a healthy coping skill. Duke didn't really get that and use poetry/songs as an emotional outlet until he got away from Calliah (aka his mom).
For some reason, this song reminds me of all that when I think of it and my Duke boy.
Lyrics: "But until you're broken, you don't know what you're made of. There's a part of me that you'll never know, a filthy lie that I'm keeping close, cuts at the skin and it's sinking in how deep it goes. And there's a piece of you that I'll never see. ... I was a broken wreck, lost in noise, pulled me out, and I found my voice. ... The only way out is a way through, so put a hand up if you've had enough and it's time to choose. ... I feel my heart caving in. This line I'm walking is paper thin, and it's hard to hide the scar beneath the skin. 'Cause I've been burned and broke and I wanted out, but I'm better now and I know I won't be giving in. Yeah, I can't help the way that I sound or the fact you're not around. But you told me once before you left how to live my life out loud. You can hide in the dark, but they'll never know you, or speak your mind and they'll never own you. ... From the top of the world, I can see where the sky breaks."
I also think of Finny..? That guy. Wow. He did change Duke's life for the better. Somewhat. To some extent. To some degree. At least a little bit.
I love Duke and Finny. These boys! Ahh!
But still. It's an "ugh" :/.
Their friendship. (eeeeeee)
I'm still crying over Duke and Fierdan. They've been through so much. Their pain is so severe and so intense and so damn frequent that I feel pain myself. My chest hurts. My eyes hurt.
Oh geez, I forgot to take care of myself again. What is *looks at smudged writing on my sweaty palm* "eat a meal, you hecking fool!"?
College. People. Classes. .... It makes me want to ~escape~ any day now!
No one irl gives me the time and effort, then I'm not giving others the time and effort. No one genuinely cares or is interested in me at all. I'm sick of this shit.
Haha, I'll ramble about Duke's self-destruction to ignore my own. Though I'll admit, Duke's is a lot more severe.
... I had a vivid dream that I was told by my mom (who wasn't even straightforward with it, ugh) that someone in our family had died. It almost seemed true. Almost.
I'm tired. Of myself. Of this place. Of living.
I hear everyone around me planning their futures, meanwhile I have nothing planned in advance. I've got nothing. I don't have talents like they do. I swear, everyone has a talent but me. I'm good at nothing. It's driving me crazy. Oh, this? This is nothing. So what if I'm procrastinating because I want to go on and on about my characters? The story itself is shit. Me, being able to creative write? Yeah, right. What did I put myself into? I was never meant to be here long. I'll need to find my way out real soon. I wasn't meant to stay in this world. I can't do this. I'm a failure, I'm the fuck up. Time is passing by, and what have I accomplished in a year? Nothing really. Got accepted into college, sure. Graduated high school, sure. But will it mean anything if I end up being a fucking failure, worthless piece of shit? I can't even bother to tell them the truth. Everything isn't fucking fine! Got that? Of course not. I haven't said anything. So just push the blame on me again like you used to. Like you always do. I have no future. I have no future. I have no future. It rings in my head. It's a chant. I have no future. You can't change my mind. No one can. Make it stop. Make it all fucking stop. Give me a sign. Show me the way. I just want to know something. Anything. It's funny because I don't actually want to die. I just want to know what's the point of this life and what will become of me.
. . . . . .
Bye.
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