Well, yes, another one. I have a lot to say about them.
But before that, random notes:
- Time is messing us all up. (I mean, where I am irl lol). It's that time of year when it's dark outside way too early.
- I voted! Well, I sent it in a mailbox today. Absentee voting ballot. I did that.
-The post office closest to my dorm was closed today, so I had to walk more than I usually do on a Monday to find a mailbox. And it was raining all day. Drizzling but still raining. So, huh, that was a little annoying.
Yeah, that's pretty much it.
Now onto even more rambling over my Duke boy. (great! *slow claps*)
--------------------------------
[Edit: This post mentions sexuality as well as violence I typically write about regarding Duke in the story.]
I think the reason I like my newest drawing of Duke is because I started drawing head shapes differently. With this different drawing technique, I'm able to more easily notice and draw jawlines, chins, and maybe also cheekbones. But more obviously, chins and jawlines.
I've been focusing on differentiating male faces from female faces (or anything leaning more towards masculine or feminine since that alone doesn't determine a person's gender.. uh what) for several months now. All of my sketches and random bad art attempts were me trying to figure out how to get out the difference from a character being a boy/man/being physically masculine to a character being a girl/woman/feminine.
I only recently started drawing Duke where he actually looks like a guy (and it's not as easy for me to view my art of him as looking too girly). And that makes me so happy. I feel like I accomplished something.
I started joking with myself that I finally started drawing Duke like he's been through puberty. He's not a prepubescent child, ok pfft.
Then I started thinking some more. So, you know, that Fierdan guy. Well haha, he sure messed Duke up.
Ever since Fierdan activated Duke into being aware of his connection to Fierdan, I feel like I should point out how that quickened Duke's.. aging rate (?). Compared to any other typical human, the changes Duke goes through don't happen and aren't as noticeable nearly as fast.
For real though. Ever since Night of the Black Flames (aka that night when Duke obtained the power to control black fire and became linked to Fierdan more intimately than ever before), Duke's hair started growing very fast. Before that night, his hair wasn't even completely dark. Not nearly as dark as Fierdan's is. But afterwards, the color changed to being all dark. And since Fierdan in Cincernum has fairly long hair (it goes beyond his shoulders) it's kind of as if the link between Duke and Fierdan is causing Duke's hair to change and grow faster than usual because it wants to match Fierdan's. It wants to make Duke look more and more like Fierdan. And the similarities increase over time ever since then.
Another factor that could contribute to Duke's hair darkening and growing faster than normal is the black fire. On Night of the Black Flames, Duke's body got covered in black fire. I honestly don't remember right now, but the black fire event either happened after Duke has his concealed black fire jacket and shirt (and pants too? idk), or the black fire caused Duke to have those clothes. All I know is they are connected to black fire.
And his hair got covered in black flames. So maybe the fire is also connected to his hair getting suddenly darker and growing longer. Perhaps?
Maybe Duke's hair ever since that night turned partially into black fire.
And that.. well, that goes into the part of the story when Risak and Taurel have complete control over Duke.
I said it a bunch of times already, but here's what happens:
- Without really talking about it with Taurel, Risak plans to execute Duke when they have him captured and trapped away from the outside world.
- Risak plans on executing Duke by shooting him in the front and sides of the head with a gun.
- That doesn't kill Duke. It, however, activates the Soulless part of Duke's existence, which in turn, eventually gets rid of any possible humanity Duke had.
- Humanity = the ability to act humanely. Once Duke begins to lose his humanity, he no longer bothers to act humanely. By his choice.
- Sure, Duke's done some pretty immoral things before then, but that's just because of how he was raised or because of his reaction to being connected to Fierdan. And Fierdan, in the end, is human. Soulless is not. And Duke has identity crisises over the Fierdan matter as well.
- Being shot in the head deeply angers Duke. At that point, Soulless has more control over Duke than Fierdan.
- Duke is able to break free from helplessly standing there as Risak uses all his bullets trying to kill Duke. He uses an extreme amount of black fire. His body gets covered in the black flames.
- It becomes harder and harder for Risak to not come in contact with the black flames. He eventually does. Duke makes sure Risak isn't able to escape the black flames. Duke doesn't let Risak be able to get away from the fire until he calms down and dismisses it from shooting out of his body. And of course that only happens once Duke (and Soulless too) knows that Risak must be dead.
- Just thinking about it is disturbing me. The part of the story when Duke is isolated from the rest of the world and is trapped below ground (in a basement, I think) by Taurel and Risak is probably the most disturbing/violent/graphic part of the story. It's supposed to be uncomfortable. Everything about that part in the story is fucked up. And not just what happens to Duke. It's also what he does. And I even think what Duke does is more fucked up than what Taurel does. And Taurel does some fucked up things for sure.
- Anyway, then once Risak is dead and Taurel sees him dead by Duke's black fire, Taurel believes Duke's hair contributed to the huge amount of fire. Taurel knows Duke's hair wasn't always kinda long and as dark in color.
- Taurel has some twisted views on reality. He's a dangerously messed up individual. He's very upset that Duke killed Risak. He blames Duke's hair. His hair got covered in the black flames he used while killing Risak.
- To prevent Duke from attacking him with the black flames, Taurel tied Duke up in a chair. He might blindfold Duke and cover his mouth as well. Then Taurel uses scissors and cuts Duke's hair as short as it can go. Duke feels the cold blades of the scissors at the back of his neck. After using the scissors, Taurel uses a razor to shave Duke's head until he barely has any hair left. Duke hears the buzzing of the razor, and he starts to freak out. But Duke isn't able to escape the chair. Taurel is smarter than Risak. Taurel knows Duke is dangerous.
Duke's hair evolution throughout the story by its growth and suddenly its lack of being there to cover his head could reflect his character growth and development over time. And the most prominent change is between when Duke's hair is the darkest and longest to when Duke is forcibly gotten rid of all that hair of his.
Ever since Fierdan became involved in Duke's thoughts and behavior, I think Duke stopped being able to be a child. Or being perceived as one.
So that could go into why Duke looks less and less like a child over time. He's aging faster.
And the sudden lack of hair shows that Duke is no longer who he was before the whole Fierdan and Soulless thing within him kicked into full gear. Duke is older. Duke is tired. Duke becomes the peak of anger (out of the five stages of grief, which I've been viewing as a metaphor for Duke's character for a while now) when he uses such a large amount of his black fire to gain power over Risak and to kill him. Duke becomes the peak of depression (of the five stages of grief) when he feels weak and hopeless from thinking he won't be able to escape Taurel who tortures him. Duke begins to feel numb and hollow. He's empty. He can't fully "feel" anything except anger at that point. Happiness is mostly gone; he's only able to be a little sad. But he is a very sad boy. He saw his friend die. Duke isn't afraid of his own death, and at a point, he begs for it. Duke isn't exactly actively suicidal; he just wants someone to put him out of his misery which is staying alive. Duke is a murderer, he knows that, and that just messes him up more. And when Duke escapes the torture hell and his hair starts growing back, he's in the peak of the acceptance stage (of the five stages of grief). By then, he's come to acceptance about how fucked up his childhood and present life was and is. He accepts that Fierdan is the only one capable of killing him. Another friend of his dies. It doesn't hurt Duke as much, which I guess is a little messed up.
Hair symbolism in Duke is fun to think about. It's pretty painful too, haha.
Same goes for other characters.
Ok, enough hair talk. Moving on now.
I started thinking about it, and I guess it's annoying that Duke (not including Fierdan in this for obvious reasons) only really has the opportunity to kiss girls.
When I think about Duke at the start, he never really rang out as another heterosexual male lead character. I can't view Duke as being restricted to being attracted to the opposite sex.
Sure, Duke has easier chances to be with a girl, so he does. I think Duke (for the most part) thinks he's dominant over girls. (whoa, hold up..) *coughs* heh. And Duke likes holding power and control over people.
But in the story, I did write that Duke did have feelings for Finny. But Finny was dating a girl. And he didn't love Duke like Duke did. Or at least how Duke thinks he feels about Finny.
Before the whole thing with Twinkle, Duke never understood the whole thing about romance. He saw it as a pointless thing. He didn't understand why girls wanted to be with him when he didn't.
The first girl Duke kissed was Twinkle. He refused to date other girls.
Before Duke becomes lustful and kisses (on the lips) a lot, I can now kinda get aro (aromantic) vibes from him.
But I don't think I ever got any ace (asexual) vibes from him. Duke didn't get undressed at all for so much of his life because he didn't want other people to see the purple and black flame on his chest. That was the only reason. But when he doesn't care about people seeing it, he doesn't hesitate on taking his shirt off a few times. And I can see him thinking of taking off his other clothes after that. If he could. Until he ditches all his clothes except his underwear. Then maybe.. you know... (oh ok, cutepups! ok!)
And if given a chance to be with another guy his (or around his) age he is attracted to and is attracted to him back,then I can see Duke doing that same thing. But there are none.
In other words, I don't think Duke's attraction is only for girls. If given more of an opportunity, I see him being attracted to boys too. I can see him wanting to date and become physical with guys just like he does with girls.
(Oh wait, Duke is problematic. He's bad. How many times did he kiss Twinkle? A whole damn lot. What is this, Cutepups? Umm??)
Oh well. Even though it shows that Duke is definitely attracted to girls (well ok, Twinkle), I don't think that means he must be heterosexual.
In other words, I'm just sitting here on my bed thinking about how Duke is bisexual. Sure, it's unlikely he would get in a relationship with a guy but that doesn't mean he never had any feelings for guys. He fell in love with Finny, but Finny never loved Duke like that. Yeah, that's unfortunate, I know. I'm mean to Duke. Oh haha, I know.
... wait a sec. When I think about it, I can kinda view all my main characters as being aro-spec. Oh huh, that's something to think about.
But I know for sure Ryen is aro. He's aro ace. He's not straight. Fierdan is bisexual (though he might be more into guys?). So he's not straight either. Their father would hate them for that. Haha ahh.
I'm not sure about Twinkle/Stella's romantic orientation (hetero? bi? ... aro-spec?) but I'm pretty sure she's ace or ace-spec.
I'm not sure about Dawn's orientation either. I either see her as being ace and/or aro (on the spectrum for both, or just those orientations as they are) or being panromantic ace or pansexual.
I'm not decided on the other characters' sexualities. I think Jax/Jinx are gay through.
I honestly can't see Ryen ever having a significant other, especially not a girl.
(sidenote: by "girl" I also mean woman. Ryen is in his mid-20s.)
I don't think Ryen has the ability to have the emotions required to be in a healthy and longstanding romantic relationship. I don't think he desires sex.
Post-Fierdan/Danny, over time, grows to be kind of much the opposite of Ryen when it comes to that stuff. I already have ideas for him in a relationship (with another guy) and it becomes rather intimate.
Ok, I'll just say it. I have vague ideas about Danny and said other guy in bed together. And no, that doesn't equal sex. Ok shh, no it doesn't. But perhaps after a long, long while.. it might mean that. I've been thinking about that too. Vaguely.
For all I know, I know I'm aro ace. But because of the content I have to read and watch for my classes, I'm not as hesitant of talking about talking about sexuality and sexual(-like) themes in the story (1 and 2). I'm all like, "whatever, to heck with it!" so here I am.
I have to listen to talk about romance all the time. It's tiring because I can't relate to that. Romance in lectures, romance in writings (poems and plays), and romance in performances (plays shown in theaters). They all have them.
And I had to read and watch a lot of sexual content in poems and plays. Explicit alright.
So being me, well, that tires me out. But at the same time, it's made me not feel the need to shy away from talking about the sex within my story. Because there just is.
A long time ago, I said there's a reason why I rate the story 13/14/15 and up (around that age range). It's not only because of the graphic and large amount of violence. Ok.. ok.
(I'm problematic for finally writing this down in a post. Oh well. There, I said it.)
I wrote a three page paper about a poem having the emotion of lust in it because I thought it was the most obvious and longest to write about. Meanwhile I don't know what that even is. I mean sure, I definitely have aesthetic attraction to people (and characters *cough* Duke and Fierdan and Stella and Dawn, omg have you gotten to see them the way I do?! *cough*) but that doesn't mean I'm attracted to people romantically or sexually. But I do think I know what lust is like, except replace sexual desire with aesthetic attraction and viewing people as hot and gorgeous. Well anyway, I chose to write about lust and write about the various types of sex explicitly mentioned in a poem. Ah.. heh.
I had to see plays (like, in theaters) where there are sex scenes. Full nudity. For full and long scenes.
Haha, they sure would never allow us students to view such content in high school! :'D
... what was I talking about again?
(You were talking about Post-Fierdan having sex...)
Oh was I? Haha ok, imaginary blog viewer. Ok.
(What even is this post, Cutepups? I feel.. strange.)
Haha, I don't know. Oh, me too.
(An aro and ace person willingly writing a story with romance and even sex in it? Wow, that's pretty ironic! What's wrong with you, Cutepups? Are you trying to invalidate yourself and harm yourself because in the end, you are a little repulsed by both of those things?)
Haha.. ok, imaginary blog viewer. Ok.
Weird enough (ok, maybe not, idk), if I turn out to not stay aro ace, I'm not sure if I would be straight. I kind of think I won't be..? But I can't think of myself as being anything but aro and ace. So what could I possibly know?
Anyway, lgbtqia-phobes are sure as hell not welcome here. If you think you are, you thought wrong.
Besides, I talked about my characters' bisexuality and asexuality a few times already.
But I am afraid I'm not writing them the justice they deserve. I don't want to be an ignorant fool.
Ryen definitely isn't that older brother with a girlfriend who wants his younger brother to get one. Ryen surely isn't going to lecture Fierdan and be like, "grow up and get yourself a girlfriend!" because Ryen sure isn't going to do that. And I see Fierdan wanting his first significant other to be a man. And who does he have a good romantic relationship and first (also good) sexual relationship with? Oh, a guy. Not a girl. There's no heteronormativity with these brothers.
(Why did you make your characters all, like, gay? Wtf :/)
Because I can. :-)
I think of the relationships my other characters are in, but not as much as the ones regarding Fierdan (or should I say Post-Fierdan to avoid any confusion?). I think about him a lot. And wow, I love him so fucking much.
There, I said it. Wow. This post is going to make me nervous later. Haha, ahh!
Duke basically becomes the character known as Post-Fierdan (aka Danny.. but as an adult, not a kid) in story 2. So I include him too even though he dies at the end of story 1 when I say...
Damn, (Post-Fierdan) Danny. Damn son. Just.. damn.
Ok but honestly, Fierdan sounds way more grown up than Danny.
He's such a guy. I love this dude. Holy shit.
Bye! <3 ;)
~ Cutepups
No comments:
Post a Comment