Ok, let's get into it.
(Warning: content may be considered sensitive and inappropriate)
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I finally edited it.
I changed the times I accidentally wrote "conservation" to "conversation" in Chapter 75.
(idk how I even mixed up the two tbh)
Taurel and Duke weren't having a conservation. What was I thinking? That Mr. Bloodlust Creep and Suicide Parkour were talking about opening a donation organization thing.. I mean a conservatory? For what? Endangered animals?
Mr. Bloodlust Creep and Suicide Parkour are personally my new nicknames for Taurel and Duke. Only I'll get it, but it describes them well. It might be bad that I think it's so funny.
Guys, I think it'll go like this..:
Taurel (Mr. Bloodlust Creep): *licks lips creepily/lowkey seductively* Mm, the Duke Fierdan's blood. I want to see this beautiful boy's blood.
Duke (Suicide Parkour): *steps on a leaf on the ground*
Taurel (Mr. Bloodlust Creep): *mentally takes notes* He really is a killer like Fierdan.
[Dawn comes in. She is best girl.]
Duke (Suicide Parkour): *angrily spits on the ground* Dawn, *breathes angrily* what are you doing here? I don't need your stupid help. (those are actual lines lol)
Dawn: Wow rude. Excuse me, but Taurel wants to--
Taurel (Mr. Bloodlust Creep): *interrupts, is still creepy* You must be the Dawn I've heard about. You're such a gorgeous little thing. May I ask why you're here interrupting this fine conversation between Duke and me? (those are actual lines lol)
Duke (Suicide Parkour): I think you meant to say conservation.
Dawn: What is wrong with you? I.. I don't get it.
Duke (Suicide Parkour): *suddenly builds and opens a conservatory for endangered birds*
Taurel (Mr. Bloodlust Creep): Oh, you are so right. You are always correct, the Duke Fierdan. *stands proudly in front of the conservatory for endangered birds* It was a privilege being your coworker, the Duke Fierdan.
Dawn: I don't like men. *walks away with disapproval*
Yeah.. ok. Sure.
Then later on, Duke is just standing there in silence as he watches the conversation between Dawn and Sparkle get heated.
Oops, I mean conservation. Now Dawn and Sparkle are opening their own conservatory.
At long last, I edited it to the correct word. It's all okay now, folks.
-x-x-x-
I also have personal notes of a random word some of my characters have said in the story canon. And I'm like- mmmfghfffgh yes.
Don't ask why. I don't get me either.
Anyway, it.. it's:
Twinkle- swag
Fierdan- sexual
Duke- gay
(wtf dang that's so beautiful)
swag, sexual, gay. what an iconic random words trio.
Why did I make Twinkle say swag? My writing for this story is so hecking weird.
Here's the context (asdfghjkl):
• "Your hair looks pretty swag as it is now though."- Twinkle talking to Duke. It's funny because Duke is all like "mm, I'm a lustful piece of shit this afternoon. let me kiss the hell out of you, you stiff ice statue. these embers are tingling under my skin, baby. is it a metaphor for my heated feelings, or am I blushing, or am I referring to my D!cK? then let's fuc-" and Twinkle is just focusing on his hair when this is going on like "aww haha, your hair is longer. it looks pretty swag." And then Duke literally just blanks out. He's then like "... w-what?" while getting a bit alarmed. Then he's probably thinking something like "yeah, she's probably asexual then so let's just kiss the hell out of each other." Yeah totally.
• never mind I don't want to do this anymore.
-x-x-x-
Honestly, I won't lie. (oh geez wow, I hope you won't, Cpup.)
I have no idea why the story seems so Christian-centric. (like the religion, that thing)
When really, there is no Christianity in the story. There's no organized religion. There ain't no God, period.
I did put so much into this "heaven" and "hell" thing though. There's freaking "angels" flying around in heaven, apparently. Like wtf.
Like especially the main characters aren't going to be believing in a God.
Ryen has always given me the vibe that he's an atheist and would stand up for what he believes in that believing a true God exists is bullshit.
[Ryen being forced to go to church (idk)]
Preacher: "God loves all His children" .. something, something I'm not even Christian.
Ryen: *stands up* God doesn't exist. *leaves*
Ryen is actually an asshole. He doesn't sweet-talk; he's too low on emotions for that. He'll just say whatever the hell he wants. You think Fierdan is the blunt asshole? Haha, Ryen's got that on a whole other level.
Z is that egotistical shit-stained asshole who thinks if a God exists, he is that god. He thinks he can choose who deserves to "live" and who deserves to "die".. or at least get punished (or what I like to call traumatizing people).
But would Z believe in there being a God like in Christianity? Definitely not.
[Z being forced to go to church (idk)]
Preacher: God loves all His children.
Z: *stands up* As a matter of fact, I am God, and I hate my children. They are weak, pathetic, stupid--
Usher: Excuse me, sir, but I have to ask you to leave.
Z: *yells at the usher* I am the God you speak of! Repent for your sins, all you sinners!
Usher: *nods and escorts Z out*
Wow, that should be like canon.
And because of Z, Fierdan would be that guy who is passionate in calling out those mentioning a loving God existing.
• Ryen would be blunt and say with little emotion- "God doesn't exist."
• Fierdan would be angry and yelling- "Fuck off! God does not fucking exist! There is no fucking God!" (he would say "fuck" at every chance he gets, tbh)
I'm not sure how it'll go with Dawn, but I definitely see her as being an atheist. She simply can't genuinely believe in a God existing.
Same with Duke. I think his reaction wouldn't be as severe as Fierdan's, so it would be somewhere between Fierdan's and Dawn's.
Duke and Dawn. I really like thinking about the connection they have. Their lives were living hells since their early childhoods, and they just spiraled down afterwards.
We all know how it is for Duke and his childhood and adolescence. His whole existence, really. He is that tragedy boy, after all.
But Dawn also had to endure hell. (big trigger warning for content ahead//)
Dawn, this girl,:
• Became an orphan at or around the age of 5. Her parents died. They were killed.
• Got noticed by Z since he knows more about her and what her existence means. You can say he's salty (bitter) about her parents.
• Z ordered for Dawn's parents to be murdered. He probably ordered for other people to do it because he didn't want to get his hands dirty or something.
• Z took Dawn in to his home and introduced her to Ryen and Fierdan (but their birth names, of course).
• Ryen basically just ignores her and doesn't do much with her. He's busy working for his father. And he's like.. what?.. 10 or 11.
• (Pre-Fierdan) Danny is the only nice one who cares about Dawn. They hang out together and have that pure fun. They enjoy each other's company. They're adorable, I swear.
• Z is the absolute opposite. He doesn't respect Dawn. He treats her like a thing (like a dirty old rag thing). He refuses to treat her as a decent human being. He thinks she's far less than human because of her parents. He does provide her food and shelter though. He doesn't order for her to be killed.
• (tw//): "I'm not sure if I should tell you what he did to her. You're still young. .... Father made Dawn do some performances for him. He never treated her like a human being. He only wanted to violate her. .... It's as if it's her coping method. She believes that kissing and touching shouldn't always be exaggerated to indicate romantic or sexual love. I learned Dawn's philosophy throughout our childhood to adulthood. I know it's a difficult concept to grasp."- Fierdan talking to Fauna about Dawn and their original past. Oh, that's when he says "sexual". He's trying not to explicitly tell Fauna. But he knows. Fierdan remembered. He knows. Ouch.
• (tw//): Z thinks of Dawn as not being a human being. She is just a breathing object, a thing he possesses. Z, well uh, he sexually abused her. More than once. As a child. Which is fucking disgusting.
• Then in the project world with child Fierdan, their memories become foggy. They forget the past they shared.
• Once Fierdan and Dawn have a place in the project world to live together in, Dawn is distant and doesn't like being looked at for long. But she has nowhere else to go, so she stays with Fierdan. He isn't violent yet.
• Dawn only lets Fierdan see her if all her body parts are covered, except for her face, neck, hands, and hair. Fierdan doesn't understand why, and neither does Dawn. She feels like she has to do it.
• All of this is before they've hit their teenage years. There's also a time when Dawn refuses to eat. At least not around Fierdan.
• Then Dawn notices there's something off about Fierdan. Soulless really begins to influence and control Fierdan. He didn't try to kill anyone yet. Fierdan cares about Dawn and wants to keep her safe. He wants to protect her. He just feels like he has to.
• Once they start puberty, Dawn has to watch Fierdan grow into looking more and more like Z. Fierdan looks like a younger version of Z.
• But before that happens, one day Dawn gives up her guard and stops wearing all those clothes to cover her body. She's vulnerable to him.
• Once they've gone through puberty, Dawn is no longer afraid of Fierdan. Meanwhile Soulless is making him have homicidal urges. Dawn is very close to Fierdan. He looks like a much younger version of Z.
• (idk if I'll keep it like this for obvious reasons)- Then suddenly, she kisses him one day. There is no romantic or sexual attraction between them. Fierdan becomes skeptical about that, of course, but Dawn says being kissed and touched shouldn't always have implications of love- romantic, sexual. Apparently, I've said they slept next to each other (so, together) and they even do that naked at some point. So it's hesitance and distance all the way down to none at all. They just sleep. Despite the fact that Fierdan has violent thoughts, he never violates her like Z did. He wants to protect her and keep her safe from the dangerous world outside. Except much later when Soulless has corrupted Fierdan so much into being obsessed with violence and death that he basically lost his sanity and tried to kill her. Dawn had to deal with that awful shit too.
• (tw//): Dawn believes kissing and physical contact shouldn't have romantic and sexual connotations because (though she isn't aware of the reason why) she's trying to cope and accept with what Z did to her. He.. touched her. He kissed her and forced her to kiss him.. on different body parts. There was no love. It was only violation. There was no romance and desire for sex. So how could a simple kiss (even mouth-on-mouth) only be considered a romantic thing when she had to put her mouth to body parts against her will? She does it to have control over herself, to heal from a past she can't even remember. It's subconscious, really.
• Yikes, I know that's all very fucked up. I know I have to rewrite some things. But yeah, that's why I wrote in previous chapters that Dawn doesn't care about kissing others. There's no romantic love. It's only physical contact to her. She doesn't see herself as a helpless victim anymore. She's the one in control. That doesn't mean Dawn would be willing to have sex despite feeling no attraction or love.. except if I make her be a sex-favorable or neutral and not sex-repulsed aro (or any orientation really) ace/ace-spec. I seriously can't decide on her sexuality, oops. Pan, bi, lesbian, aro, ace? Haha, I have no idea. Doubt she's straight though. That's just not her.
• That's Dawn for you. What a character! Her ways of thinking may be skewed and seen as being messed up, but wow do I love her. Z was a sexual abuser, Fierdan grew into a guy obsessed with violence and knowing how to murder.. man, she had it rough. Big, big yikes.
Yeah.. she ain't believing in no God. Would she really be the one thinking a loving God (that isn't Z or Fierdan or Duke *cough, cough*) exists? No. If a God exists, They (why only use He/Him?) must hate her. That's what Dawn would believe.
... I think I spent at least an hour writing about Dawn. Uh.. sorry I keep on saying this, but. Yikes.
-x-x-x-
I used to think I worded Chapter 75 so seriously and that Fierdan lowkey had a breakdown.
Well, I think I was wrong. I don't think it's written as serious as I would like. I was treating this story like a bad joke for so long, but now I want to treat it for what it is- a tragedy. It's a tragedy from the start. If I want to be serious about my writing, I can't just think of something like this writing project as a joke.
And the first thing to fix that would be writing all my characters as human. Not as freaking animals.
There's a reason why Fierdan raises and stares at his hands. I didn't really state it in Chapter 75 except as Fierdan saying, "There will always be blood left on me. It won't go away. Do you know what it's like having the blood of people you killed drown you every time you sleep? Do you know what it's like to kill someone?"
I know it's probably a cliché, but Fierdan feels like he's covered in blood from all the sins he committed. His hands are bloody. There's always going to be blood on his hands. I know I've been describing him as, idk like a sweet bean (?), but he's still a murderer. That can't be erased. He knows how to kill people. He knows about human anatomy from disturbing firsthand experience. Yes, he's seen guts and gore. He's covered in blood.
("Killing made me learn up close and personal the breaking point of body parts. I know how to kill people by breaking a certain bone, muscle, organ.")
Yep. Fierdan, hmm...
The chapter ends with Fierdan walking away. Only when he knows he's away from Fauna does he break down. And he does. Then it's like "oh huh, Fierdan does express emotions pretty fucking deeply!"
Fierdan breaks down in Chapter 76. Something like a panic attack. That's not the whole Fierdan POV though. A lot of important and disturbing shit is said in that POV.
Eh, you'll probably still hate him as a story character though. Maybe slightly less because there's some explanation in Fierdan's POV. So we'll finally get to understand him better.
But just saying. Fierdan did some fucked up things. Involving Soulless. With Soulless.
(That's unhealthy attachment, Fierdan! >:[)
Fierdan is more of a problematic character than a pure one. That's just a fact.
In story 2, he's far less disturbing. Thank goodness, since he's like one of the main protagonists. And story 2 is about him being desperate to separate and disconnect himself from his past. From all of it. Like, ahem, Fierdan outright did disgusting things, and I don't just mean murder when I say that.
-x-x-x-
Twinkle and Fauna would grow up believing in God, but as the story progresses, they doubt the existence of a God.
Yeah, I just wanted to say all that about those characters.
-x-x-x-
Lmao. It's probably bad that I love Fierdan at all parts he's in the project world, from being in the black goop with Dawn while they're children to being in the black goop underworld known as Cincernum as an adult. It's much easier to grow attached to him in story 2 though.
-x-x-x-
I don't get the ages thing with Ryen, Fierdan, and Dawn. It's complicated. Were they reborn or something? I don't even know.
(Fierdan reborn in Cincernum.)
At what age did Fierdan kill Z? I don't know.
Was he ever older than 19? I don't know.
If he ever was 20+ will that just make no sense? I don't know, gahh.
Their mother manipulated their ages. How old are they really? It's a mystery. Did their ages just rewind? Are they just in their second life?
It's too much for me to handle.
(umm.. wtf)
-x-x-x-
I'm thinking of changing the ages around a bit so that Dawn is two years younger than Fierdan.
Which would mean Dawn would be the same age as Twinkle and Duke. That would make her 17 like them.
But Dawn's birthday is after Duke's and Twinkle's, so she would still be younger than them.
I want Fierdan to be slightly older than Dawn.
I can't see them as being the same age, even when he's Pre-Fierdan. Fierdan being older than her but not by much just fits him so much better, in my opinion.
And how like Fierdan cared so much about Dawn by either making her happy (as Pre-Fierdan Danny) or protecting her from the outside because they can't trust the outside after what they were thrown into (project world hell).
Ryen is four years older than Fierdan, so there would be a larger age gap between them than between Fierdan and Dawn.
I'm thinking of making Dawn's birthday be in August. So when she first meets Duke and Twinkle, she could still be 16.
I mean, that should clarify that the dynamic between them (Pre-Cincernum) is more like Fierdan being a guardian dedicated to making sure Dawn is safe and comfortable than it being mistaken for a romantic/sexual relationship. Because that's just.. no.
That would also mean Fierdan would be 8 or 9 when he enters the project world. Being 7 would be too young. Plus, it would be more realistic if he's older, anyway.
-x-x-x-
Ryen and Fierdan speak "off" (?) compared to other characters because of how they were raised. Raised by Z.
They were born into the wealthy class because Z was rich. Their home is huge. It's also far away from the average civilians.
Z thinks he's better than them, so he isolated Ryen and Fierdan from regular people.
And so, they aren't the best at communicating. It's hard for them to make friends. Speaking casually? It's a foreign concept.
There's a lot of status on being the children of Z. He has a lot of power. How else would he have been able to do everything he did?
-x-x-x-
Wow, congrats! You've reached the end of this post.
~ Cutepups :-)
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