new post? nah. unless...

 New post? Nah. Unless... 

New post but also not. 

It is both. 

;)

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Last post was a complete mess. I ended up typing it for around 4 hours. I wasn't paying attention to the time. I was totally unaware. 

And I am so, so sorry for that. 

*proceeds to fall off a —*

Haha, just kidding! I'm totally not feeling like crap right now. What? No... 

*points in the distance* Oh, look at that! Another Picrew! 

Picrew link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/683306

*returns from the void* Hi again. 

Order of characters: Jack (I associate X's with him lol), Ardere (the bow and arrows sure does fit him, ahahaha omg), Dawn (plants, her beloved <3), Fierdan (holding a dagger suspiciously), Ryen (with his hand in a fist for some reason), and Dylan (holding up the middle finger which is just a total thing he would do lol). 

Oh and the last two are me. Top one in a fantastical setting. Bottom one being in a realistic one (aka our reality, oof).

Ok yeah!! Time to move on!!

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I'll be copying and pasting sections from the previous post for organization's sake (and for my own sanity- and yours too probably). 

So, here goes nothing:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(I use these too much.)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CINCERNUM INFORMATION:

Time is weird in Cincernum. It doesn't pass the same way it does here. It doesn't pass the same way it does where Stella and Ardere and all those people are, which isn't any different from how time passes where Ryen and Dylan and all those people are. Cincernum is something else entirely. Cincernum is weird. 

In Cincernum, people and other "living" things aren't dead... nor alive. Everything is in a weird state. Fierdan doesn't age normally (like how he would on Earth... without going into the different timelines created from being in Cincernum). Ryen is always older than Fierdan despite him not spending time in Cincernum. 

Does Fierdan spend months or years or decades in Cincernum? The passage of time there is very distorted,  so it's hard to exactly translate it to how time passes here (Earth). If it did, Fierdan would have to be over 18 since he helped "create" Duke (Duke is 18 when the story events begin); then add all the years before he went to Cincernum (which was when he was between the ages of 15 and 17). Fierdan would have to be so old if time passed normally. But he's not in his 40s or something. When the story events take place (not including flashbacks or whatever), he's 22. 

And since Fierdan isn't fully alive in Cincernum (I like to think of him as being in this dormant-like state but able to talk and move— with lots of fatigue so not at the same level of energy as a healthy person), he doesn't need food, drinks, or sunlight. 

After leaving Cincernum, Fierdan has lots of trauma over being stuck there for what probably felt like an eternity to him. Soulless was there with him. Soulless never drifted far from Fierdan until he kills it. And Fierdan killing Soulless is at the end of story 1. Soulless abused Fierdan in various ways ever since he was a child. And it got worse over the years. Oh and Fierdan invalidates his experiences because Soulless isn't human. The character that abused him the most and worst isn't human. Soulless, a demon, abused him physically. Z, his father, who is definitely a child abuser, didn't abuse Fierdan (physically, anyway).

What is Cincernum? I don't feel like going into detail, but it's basically a separate, small realm. Everything's dark. There's black goop covering the floors and walls. Why black goop? I don't know. There just is. Also, no one can access it without Fierdan or Soulless knowing. But since no one knew about it, no one could. Then again, Soulless was controlling Fierdan. That is until Fierdan started successfully planning Soulless's execution and freed himself from being Soulless's puppet (or doll or toy, whichever word you prefer). Honestly, it's such a turning and touching moment when Fierdan goes to the world of the dead (what I used to call "Heaven"), finds Luna (who happens to be Stella's sister) being threatened and harassed by Duke's "human father" (as I refer to him), brings her to Cincernum, and they start working together. They help each other with their goals. It's sweet. 

Anyway, back to the main question— Cincernum is a realm created by Fierdan and Soulless. Just not as consciously as "creating" Duke. It's their world. And it sucks. Cincernum is awful. It's depressing, okay. How did they create it? I don't know the technicalities. All I know is that Fierdan (who is being manipulated by Soulless during all this) becomes extremely homicidal and can't fully control himself. He violently killed Z, and not that long after (months to 2 years later), Soulless, who feeds on violence, wants Fierdan to murder again. Which... he comes very close to doing. He goes to Dawn, the person he's closest with (they have history), and nearly kills her. Then shortly after Dawn realizes this, she gives Fierdan poison, and starts living in isolation (#trust-issues). Every other person Dawn knew (and remembered) damaged her. Violated her. Of course she can't just bring herself to trust new people. Then, after the effects of the poison wore off, Fierdan has a break from being mind-controlled by Soulless. He can't live with the guilt of what he did or nearly did, so he desperately wishes to escape from their current reality. So... he does that. Probably goes into a coma for who knows how long and wakes up in Cincernum. Maybe Fierdan considered suicide, but Soulless had plans for him and gave him an intense will to not die (Soulless wouldn't have anyone; it exists because of Fierdan). And so, Fierdan desperately wanted to escape, Soulless helped make that happen and made Fierdan's wish into his time-distorted prison. 

DRUGS & DRUG ADDICTIONS 

By the time Jack becomes another main character in the story universe timeline and he's close with Fierdan, he's been to and completed rehab. And by the time he's hanging out with Fierdan, Stella, and the others, the drugs he takes aren't on the same level as addiction as the drugs that led to his drug addictions. It's still a dependency though. Will Jack completely stop taking recreational drugs? I really don't know. In his 20s, I can only really see him having increased periods time without taking any substance (the sobriety periods get longer over time). In context, Jack is 23 when he meets and eventually starts working together with Fierdan, Stella, and the rest of them. I mean, not Ryen and Dylan since they've known Jack longer.  He might still be on methadone. I don't know any more details on that. 

List of Drugs Jack Became Addicted To: opioids (heroin, morphine, fentanyl); cocaine.

List of Non-Prescription Drugs that I Don't Consider Jack Technically Addicted To: nicotine; marijuana. Basically, he smokes at least sometimes. 

. . . he [Fierdan] has addictive tendencies. At some point, the other characters (especially Jack and Ryen since they have personal experience battling addiction) worry about Fierdan becoming an alcoholic and addict of other drugs. He might just willingly be self-destructive in choosing to not be sober most of the time, but I'm not sure if he ever becomes "addicted" addicted [to fit the criteria to hypothetically* get diagnosed with Substance Use Disorder]. Anyway, Fierdan definitely has an unhealthy relationship with substances. 

Actually, that's all I wanted to copy and paste from there. Ok, let's move on!

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My stupid self forgot to put a disclaimer on the last post, even though I intended to talking about it. Oh well, I'll do it now. 

*When I talk about any diagnoses and medications my characters would have, it's actually all hypothetical. I just like writing about that sort of thing as a weird way to organize my thoughts and plans for my characters. Diagnoses don't define them, nor do they define you or me. They're labels and nothing more. I know that. My brain works weird, so in thinking about my characters through a clinical psychological viewpoint, I can "understand" them better and incorporate them into my writings better. 

*Adding onto all that, I feel like it's time that I say that just because I said "Fierdan has C-PTSD, Stella has GAD, Jack has ADHD, etc." I don't explicitly know if I will include any of those diagnoses (that we use today in our reality in 2021) in my story canon. Honestly, it's pretty unlikely. I just use the diagnoses we do have as reference point. If my characters live in 2021 in our world and could all miraculously get all their accurate mental health diagnoses, then I feel like yeah, they highly likely have the diagnoses I said they do. 

*I'm from the United States, so I've been using terms from the DSM-V. However, I feel like I should add that I know C-PTSD isn't even an "official" diagnosis in there. So, is the whole "using real-life disorders" completely true? I don't know. But I know about C-PTSD and its differences and similarities with PTSD, and I feel like the post traumatic stress symptoms and traumatic events themselves my traumatized characters face are on two different planes. On one plane is Stella's, and on the other is Fierdan's/Dawn's/Ryen's. The traumas the siblings faced was far more long-lasting and complex than the trauma Stella did. ... Haha, I'm digressing from the point I want to make. Goddamnit. 

*Diagnostic labels change. Nothing is set in stone. Who knows if they will change completely in the future? Who knows if the terms we use now will be seen as completely inaccurate or misleading years down the road? Who knows what labels will replace our current ones? I can't answer those questions. So, why am I saying all this? Well, it's because my characters live and exist in a completely different time and world from ours. It's not our own! It's different! So, with that in mind, will they really get the diagnoses we use today? The same names, the same list of symptoms? I doubt it. I'm just trying to make connections between our current society, how I perceive my characters, and the thoughts/actions/behaviors I say my characters have/engage in. And I still can't even begin to come up with all these new terms that would act as the equivalent of the ones used today to only be used in my story. Besides, no one would know what the hell I would be talking about. I don't have a Glossary of terms used in the story that could translate into our time and world. I just don't have that. Not now and not for a long time, anyway.

By the way, this also includes things such as my characters' nationalities and ethnicities/races. I'm hesitant on talking about those things regarding my characters since I would have to use countries and continents that exist in our world in 2021 as equivalents for the countries my characters are from and how to explain their ethnicities. 

But they don't live on our Earth in 2021. It's different and in the future in a time I haven't yet defined. Everything happens in the future. Will the names we use today be used then? I don't know and can't know since it's so far in the future. And on top of that, the story isn't realistic fiction. So what will happen in our reality's future is something I doubt will actually happen. It's fictional. It's completely different. 

*takes a deep breath* Hope I explained that all well enough. Hope this all looks decent. I've been shaking and feeling like I could cry and have an anxiety attack for the past 3 or 4 hours. I'm trying so hard to keep it all together.

I'm so sorry for not fully explaining all of this sooner. I kept on telling myself I would after I came back from my long break, but I screwed up and didn't. I'm so sorry.

I also haven't been viewing my characters as only defined by their hypothetically-diagnosed-with disorders in years at this point. There's so, so, so much more to them than diagnostic labels. It's just that they affect their interactions with others and how they perceive themselves (especially with Fierdan, omg). 

I've also been trying to make my characters not fit the stereotypical versions of their disorders. They're all different. A few characters could have the same symptoms and possible disorders, but they present differently. One character could struggle with X symptom a lot more than Y symptom, and the opposite could be true for another character with the same disorder. 

Okay. I'm done talking about all of this for now. If there is anything I feel like I need to clarify, I would do it later. 

REST OF THE POST IS ABOUT ME, NOT MY CHARACTERS OR STORY.

I'm planning on finally seeing a psychiatrist at the end of this month. I've been waiting for so long. I'm both excited and absolutely terrified. It's happening. I have a confirmed appointment date for my first evaluation. I never went to an actual psychiatrist before. Never mind one that specializes in one disorder I've been meaning to get officially tested for. 

Technically, I've already been "diagnosed" with said disorder. It's just not exactly "official" since it wasn't by any doctor who specifically specializes in working with people with said disorder. And by that I mean not a psychiatrist or neurologist. Not yet at least. I also have an appointment date with a neurologist.

Even calling it a "disorder" is controversial, but oh well, I see it as me having a disorder. But at the same time, not exactly. It's a neurological difference. Okay, yeah, sure, whatever. 

And if anyone knows me and this place, I'm not afraid of writing about mental health on here. Fuck the stigma. 

Never mind, I'll briefly talk about my characters again. Since I likely have ASD and have learned more about it and other adults' experiences with living with it and talked with some, I've been thinking that maybe I can  see some of my characters as having it too. Maybe a few of my characters can be like me in that way, too. 

Also, like, fuck the stereotypes. It's not just a thing that male children have. Not everyone with ASD can't socialize at all. It's a spectrum, and not a binary one either. 

By disorder, I meant ASD. I found out I'm (very likely) autistic this year. And I'm still the same person writing these posts. I'm still, well, me. 

And that doesn't begin the whole process of wanting to get officially tested for ADHD since I likely have that as well. And maybe other things in addition to that. 

I know I'm not normal. I'm not like most neurotypicals but never had the vocabulary to explain to myself why. I have so many pretty clear and obvious autistic traits— if only people actually knew what autism is. At the same time, I constantly feel like a fraud and invalidate myself since I don't relate to everyone with ASD despite it being something with such a diverse range of experiences. 

I'm saying all of this in the first place since I don't give a shit about myself. I'm autistic— so fucking what? I'm already paranoid that everyone judges me and thinks I'm a freak. Well, here's one more thing to add to the list. 

. . . I'm tired of feeling sick and like I could throw up, knowing I most likely won't. 

I'm not fucking okay.