Hello.
Well, I lied about making another post soon. It’s been over a month.
... oops.
Anyway, it’s December 19th. The end of the day but still. I don’t care.
I don’t know why I keep thinking of this date, but here I am. Still thinking about them. Ridiculous. I know.
December 19th is Fierdan’s birthday. And Duke’s because I made them have the same birthday for some reason. Weird.
How old are they again (in the skit universe)? I don’t know anymore.
Does anyone miss my skits? I have no idea.
. . . . . . . . . .
Don’t expect any soon. Don’t expect anything related to creative writing any time soon.
These past few months, including this one, made me realize that I actually lost a ton of interest/passion/inspiration/motivation (all of those) in creative writing. In writing stories. In writing poetry. In writing... anything, to be honest.
I guess that could be the major reason why I’ve been dead. It’s because I feel dead. I have nothing left.
The story makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed now. I’m so disappointed. I keep fearing that I’m still doing offensive things without knowing and no matter how much I try to fix it, it can’t be fixed. And that makes me wonder. Is it worth it? Is all of this worth it? It doesn’t feel like it.
No interest. No inspiration. No motivation. No passion. Nothing. I’m a hollow shell. I’m empty.
It’s been this way for months. I thought I could revive the spark, but I ultimately couldn’t. My attempts to failed.
My depression is worsening. I keep losing reasons to keep going. Lost friends. Lost interest in my story. Lost interest in what I’ve been studying.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I have nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I have nothing to offer any of you. I’ve been pushing off explaining this in a post for a while.
December 19th feels like a good day to post it. With all the significance to the story and blog.
I don’t have any more words left to say.
Goodbye.
And I’m sorry.
Habakkuk 3:17-18
ReplyDeleteLamentations 3:19-24
Psalms 20
I dearly hope you feel God's light glow in your suffocating and dead darkness. For it must be darker than Hell, and a 100 times deeper than the ocean.
It doesn't matter if you don't believe. Belief is a funny thing. It doesn't matter what we feel, because our feelings don't change reality. He knows; and He cares Deeply.
I hope you make it, despite everything that gets thrown at you. I love you, Shan. May God be your strength when you have no strength left, and may He be your comfort and hope for when you can't find it for yourself.
I still can’t find the right words to say, so I’ll just say this: Thank you for the kind words. <3
DeleteHey Shan, it's been a while. I hope the holiday season has been treating you well.
ReplyDeleteI'm not good with words, so I'll leave it at that. Take care.
I haven’t checked anything Blogger related in so long. Wow, it’s been a while, huh...
DeleteThe holidays were okay, decent. It’s okay. Thank you. Take care, too.
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ReplyDeleteOh hey! None of what you said is your fault by the way; I just haven’t been checking anything related to my blogging account in several months until yesterday and then had to figure out how to leave comments while signed in to my Google account since I couldn’t when I returned, so… basically it’s been a long time. And yeah, I’ll delete your comments (even though I’m reading them so much later than you sent them, oops). To your other comment, I use Discord pretty often. Maybe I’ll write mine down in a blog post (not sure if you still check the comments here since it’s been so long; I understand if you don’t). And yeah, that’s totally understandable as well.
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ReplyDeleteThank you. Seriously. I’m sorry to read that you’re also struggling and can relate to what I said in the post. I hope I didn’t mess up any chance, but I’d be willing to text you on discord or wherever. I’m lonely most of the time too, especially these days, so I get that and wanting to reach out and maybe be friends. I hope things suck at least a little less for you since you commented. Some things I posted about here have gotten better / some things aren’t as bad, some things are the same, and some things are worse. I guess that’s Life. But really, I hope you’re okay and safe.
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DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Delete(Deleted comments for privacy reasons) You’re all good! I decided to insert my Discord and other forms of contact in my most recent post, but I can add it again: it’s spiritixsw #2081.
DeleteI’m really sorry to read you’ve been struggling so much. Yeah, it’s a little comforting to know some our struggles our relatable. I’m better in some aspects; struggling the same in others. Im also sorry to read that someone took advantage of you like that. That was really terrible of them to do that. I’m the same person (known as Cutepups back then, I think) who commented on those blogs all those years ago (2015? 2016? around that time), but of course I changed a lot since then (grew as a person and all that). A lot of my memories from that time period are blurry, so I don’t remember many details from back then though.
Thanks for the discretion. I think I can handle it when I’m in a decent headspace. I can have trouble replying right away and can easily forget messages, and I have some difficulties with communication that I’m trying to work on. I’m not the perfect communicator, which I feel like putting out there (because of mental health and neurodiverse stuff, really). But I’ll try my best.
(thanks for deleting them again and no worries for not deleting the original ones right away, sorry for asking if they went to spam i just wasn't sure since i had that issue all the time with blogger)
DeleteThanks, i read the recent posts i'm just not great at coming up with things to say and admittedly it's a little awkward commenting as anonymous, although that's my problem
thanks, things have only gotten worse and after recent events will probably continue to, been trying to hang on to the good things but it sure isn't easy
i guess i'm still the same person i was at heart but learned a lot and have a lot more i guess baggage than i did
don't worry about that, i'm more or less the same way, talking in general can just be so hard sometimes, i'm pretty patient but lately paranoia has gotten in the way of that
discord says you aren't accepting friend requests right now
Deletehmm, good to know. I’ll change my discord settings as soon as I can
DeleteYeah, I get what you mean by all that (on a general level at least). Sometimes talking/socializing is a huge struggle, so I get that too. Anonymous can be awkward, I’d admit, but I don’t mind it that much. Take care of yourself, at least try your best to. /sympathizing tone tags
Deleteok i should be accepting friend requests now
DeleteI hope my comments didn't go to spam or anything, i can try to rewrite them if needed
ReplyDeleteNo, your comments didn’t go to spam or anything like that. I wanted to take my time reading yours and carefully deciding on what to reply with. I wanted to delete your comments not long after publishing them (which I forgot the first time, my apologies).
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