hmm...

So I looked at my posts around this time last year. I apparently also felt sick on December 11th last year.

I feel sick today. I'm not doing so well.

I have a summer vacation plan now. So I have something to live for and look forward to. It's so far away though. Gotta survive through this winter hell first.

I drank more tea. Tea is good. I'm in pain. Gonna make this post short. Not gonna include a Monday skit. I'm not in the mood to, so I'm sorry about that.

Well, Hanukkah begins tomorrow. And of course I had to get sick.

Maybe this is karma coming after me. I've been a bad person yet again this year. I've done bad things. I lied and pushed people away. And those are only two examples.

Due to how much I lied and acted like a jerk and how many times my hell brain lit up suicide as an option during this year, maybe I deserve to feel bad. I don't really deserve good things. Maybe I deserve to suffer when everyone else I know is getting festive and jolly.

I really messed up, and I don't know how to fix the thing. I'm so scared. I hate being scared.

I hope we'll use my new menorah this year. Couldn't use it last year since we were on the cruise.

I just.. want to be okay. I want to know when things are going to be okay. If that'll ever happen.

I'm scared for the 14th and 15th. Ugh, I hate these painful feelings.

I don't think I really changed that much from last year. Nothing really changed. Things got worse. Things got a little better. Things got bad again.

I can't really hear things that clearly, and I can only smell something very bad right now. Ugh, this sucks.

I slept a lot more recently, but it turns out that sleeping more makes me even more tired. I'm going to sleep early. Maybe I can actually fall asleep this time. I hope so.

Blegh ugh. Blah, blah, blah. Cutepups can't stay with the cool happy facade for long. Yet again. As usual. Smh.

I'll end it here. I'm done. Bye for today.

~ Cutepups <3