x.

I know I said I would make another skit, but I still don't have any actual ideas for the skit. So in other words, I have nothing. No skit post here.

A few days ago, I considered posting Chapter 76. 

But then.. I didn't feel like writing it anymore.

I can't focus on writing it all now. I probably won't post it before 2018.

I'll write it one day. I suppose.

-x-x-

Who am I kidding?

This isn't living.

This can't be considered living.

... I'm not living.

-x-x-

I'm not happy again.

Well, this sucks.

Actually, I don't think I ever was.

Happy.

Apparently, my happiness looks like someone who wants to die.

Oh. Okay.

I thought.

I thought wrong.

Just because I don't definitely Have To die anymore...

It doesn't mean I don't want to die.

I still. Want to.

This isn't living. It can't be.

-x-x-

It's funny.

Whenever I feel a little happier than normal, more energetic than how I usually am...

It always stabs me back like a double-edged sword.

It. Hurts.

Being happy leaves me a lot more tired. Physically, mentally. And I'm so tired.

-x-x-

I hate when I become that part of me that is most like Fierdan and Duke.

I hate it.

It's not good.

:(

-x-x-

I realized something.

For a while, I've been living on the verge of a breakdown.

So wow, huh, that's.. nice.

(No, it's f*cking not.)

This isn't living. This can't be considered being alive.

It just can't.

My eyes hurt. 

Every day, everywhere I go, my eyes feel like they're overflowing with tears.

And the slightest thing makes me cry.

I cry every day now.

Not even a good cry.

Just.. I don't know.

I hate this. Suppressed emotions, I suppose.

Everything hurts, actually.

-x-x-

Song lyrics from songs I currently have on repeat:

"I'm afraid to be alone."

"Afraid of the thoughts that I have conjured."

"I feel worthless. Maybe I should open the drawer, burn the pages, write poems with the ash on the floor, pour the ink into the sink..."

"I thought I was broken all this time."

"I'm afraid to be alone."

"I thought my demons were almost defeated, but you took their side and you pulled them to freedom."

(Oceans and Demons)

-x-x-

This post is sh*t and I feel like sh*t.

Coincidence? I think not.

At least my cat is in my room with me.

(I see her as my life saver.)

(They don't get that though. Of course they don't.)

-x-x-

As every day passes by, the more I feel like he hates me.

If I were to open up to them...

He'll just hate me more.

Ah.... :"}

-x-x-

That's it. I'm done.

I am so f*cking done.

Even good feelings end up hurting me. Happiness ends up being way more painful than apathy.

Being emotionless hurts a whole lot less than being emotional.

I hate being on the brink of drowning in my own tears.

I don't want to feel any of this sh*t anymore.

I'm done.

I give up.

-x-x-

Now there is nothing- absolutely no one- to physically be there with me.

There's nothing stopping me from self-destructing.

(Maybe that'll show them.)

(Maybe that'll enforce the fact that I have something- so many somethings- wrong with me.)

............

Giving up.

(I already did.)