end of another sunday

Well, another Sunday and weekend is over. It's the start of another week. Yeah...

I'm up late because I want to type something in a post now. Again, again.

So.. huh.. where should I begin? Hmm...

I have another skit in mind. I wanted to post it sometime this weekend, but then I changed my mind because of reasons. Things happened, I got distracted; same old excuses.

I'm going all over the place with this post. Oh well, deal with it. I'm a mess, so what do you expect from me? 

While I was sitting in the car, I thought of Duke. Well, damn, I feel like I idealize his character too much. Again, again. So then I thought of what he did in some older (but not the old-old type- I don't think about that mess intentionally anymore) chapters. Duke.. geez.. I really hate him for the sh*t he did. He's so bad, and it's frustrating. I kinda really hate him, to be honest.

And of course, the same could be said about Fierdan. But I was thinking about Duke more than him when I was in the car.

I don't want to explain why I think this way. Whenever I think of Dawn nowadays, I see her as a symbol of growth and recovery. Especially recovery. Kinda like plants growing out of the dirt. Well, I'm thinking of making a Dawn themed poem around that plants and dirt concept. Dawn went through a lot. She has suffered. 

Dawn and recovery.. oh dang, that's some good stuff. Mm, oh god.

I'm just gonna type whatever I want to. My thoughts are constantly being disorganized and messy.

I had a dream I was driving a car and had to get to a specific destination. The brakes weren't working. I was nervous.

I had another dream where I was in one of my classes at school. Most people got assigned the iMovie project, but a few- one being me- got assigned the 2-3 page paper assignment. I felt relieved. That dream was realistic, I thought at first.

Yeah, dreams. They're something. Yeah.

---------------

I can't stop thinking about it. 

[Their] words keep replaying in my head.

God.. here I am typing another post at midnight instead of sleeping. Why am I doing this to myself? 

Why do I do this to myself?

I'm listening to certain songs with a certain mood right now. What a strange mood this is.

My (extended) family is doing pretty bad nowadays. Life is a mess. Hey, I'm also there. I'm also nervous. I'm also worried. I'm scared too, you know.

I really want to believe that everything will end up okay. But will it really? I really don't know.

I'm so scared. I hate being scared.

I don't know what to do. 

I'm closer than I've ever been. So why.. why...

Why am I scared of it now?

Why am I scared of it?

I'm so close to it, yet I'm keeping myself so far away.

I know this is all very vague. This kinda sounds like another one of my poorly written poems.

Why is it that more people like the poems I'm not that proud of? I don't understand.

Why am I scared of opening up and admitting the truth to them? 

Damn it.. why! 

I'm not doing that bad mentally/emotionally right now. I haven't reached a low in a few weeks, really. Not a low-low.

So I doubt I really need it. Am I faking? I mean, I'm doing pretty okay now.

Don't believe it. Don't give in. You'll fall again, Cutepups. You'll always fall again. At some point, you will. It's inevitable. 

Stop dismissing it. Accept it. They know. It can happen. You wanted this, right? It can actually happen for real. 

I'm scared of telling them everything. I don't want to hurt them any more. 

Tears. Fear? Anger? Disbelief? Sadness? Grief? Relief? Love? Comfort? I don't know reactions. I never know what I'll be expecting from people.

What am I hinting at? You know.. certain stuff. Yeah.. that thing. 

I really can't stop thinking about it.

And now, people irl know. 

They kinda know that I (might, possibly, probably) need it.

God.. I don't know.

One thing that distracted me was all of this.

I'm a mess. I'm okay, and I'm afraid of falling again.

But at the same time, I'm relieved about it. 

What a sick form of validation this is. Validation of suffering and pain. Huh.

2018 is the year of change. Change for the better.

I'll continue to try to be positive. No matter what.

Thinking of death so much was a stupid thing of me to do. That was ridiculous.

I'm trying...

Please believe me.

~ Cutepups