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Hello~! <3

Pro of today: No school today. :)

Con of today: I'm in pain and (almost) everything hurts. :(

I feel like posting something now though. 

(Gosh dang, this music I'm listening to. Ouch...)

I really, really like that (extremely long emotional dump) poem I wrote in my last post.

Dang, that was emotional. That was painful. I was close to crying when I wrote that. 

Eww, sad feelings. 

Me? Sad? What, pfft, no..-

(I'm so sad. I'm sorry...)

(I'm still burning. It's still suffocating me. Deep sadness and anger.. internally. I'm burning internally. This hurts so badly. Life is painful.)

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All this time, I've been feeling very guilty. Well, extremely guilty on a daily basis for the past several months/year at least.

Anyway, I feel so guilty. 

(I'm such a bad human. I'm such a disgrace. I feel like garbage. I'm literally a huge burden on my family (parents). I feel so bad, ugh. Why am I alive? I don't deserve any of this good stuff. I'm so bad. Making them waste so much money on me. Ugh, I honestly hate my body and how it keeps on screwing me over. I kinda want to die again. But even dying is expensive. Yeah, whoops, sorry.)

Haha, like I'll actually tell them about that other stuff now. That's also expensive. God.. just f*ck it.

I guess I'll just have to deal with my mind shit on my own till it kills me or something. I already feel like I'm sucking so much money out of them.

(I'll just rot here. 2018.. I'm losing faith in you. I'm so f*cking guilty. I'm probably a financial burden, and my parents probably hate me and my sister does already. I'm such a waste of space, of life, it's great ha ha. I highly doubt I'll be truly happy in the future, so what's the point of staying? Even if I only go to her, I'll feel guilty for burdening her for spending even more money on me. Ugh, just call me the money waster while you're at it. That's the only thing I'm good at nowadays, anyways. I really don't think I was meant to make it to an adult. That can't.. be me. It just can't. I'm just making it worse for the people around me. I feel like everyone dislikes me. I feel like I can't even word things properly anymore. I feel like my conversation skills are in the negatives. I'm probably bringing down everyone I talk to. I'm a disappointment, ha ha. I know, I know.. I should just go.)

Honestly.. f*ck everything. Things I thought I wasn't afraid of anymore are starting to mentally scar me or some shit like that. I want to bleach my brain of these memories. I'm so repulsed and disgusted. Damaged. Can't go back. 

I'm trying to stay numb irl. Not react with any deep emotions to what people say. I'm trying so hard to not break down, cry, and wanting to die.. but it's so hard to avoid it. They didn't say to my face that I'm a burden, but I know I am. I f*cking am, okay?! I know that.

Lol my entire body hurts. I'm typing this on the floor 'cause screw it. I like being on the floor.

....... I'm terrified of being hurt by others again. I know it'll happen again, and I'm so f*cking scared. I don't know how I'll live through it again. But I deserve it. 

...... It's me. I'm the one who's the bad friend. I'm the blue-horned devil. I'm the bad one.

I know I'm pathetic and not good enough. Why bother with me? Why care about me? Why have hope that I'll be better and know better? There's no use. 

I can't even talk right. I swear I f*ck up every damn social interaction I have. What's the point of continuing if I can't even do any of the basic stuff right? I really don't know.

Why shouldn't I just fade away to blue smoke? 

It feels like I cause fights, but I'm too tired to fight. I can't do this anymore.

Well, I'm gonna go back to sleep. Bye.

<3 ~~