a lot can change in one year

February 13, 2017 - February 13, 2018

If somehow I had the option to

Keep one and throw the other away,

I would choose the latter

Every time.

I will keep repeating it to myself.

I won't break my promise this time:

"2018 will be the year of change,

And of positivity, healing, and recovery

From the past four or so years.

2018 won't fall and crumple to dust.

2018 won't ruin me.

2018 won't be a bad year.

It will all turn out okay this time."

I'll continue to repeat it

Until and after I'm sure

It turns out true.

Now don't get me wrong,

The guilt is still constricting me internally

From my skull to my throat 

To my heart to my stomach

To my knees to my feet.

I'm still drowning and suffocating in

All this guilt I have.

But I'm still here.

My heart is still beating,

My lungs are still breathing,

My feet are still standing.

I'm still standing and living.

And I still miss them.

I still miss him.

And I still miss you.

I miss a lot of people.

A lot can change in a year.

This year will be good,

Nothing tragically bad will happen,

And everything will finally be okay.

Don't bring me down on this request.

I'm putting my faith in you,

Dear life of the earth. 

I'll take your excitement over your grief

Any and every day.

2017 bruised your heart,

I'll try my best to make sure that

2018 will heal your fractured soul.

For if 2018 pulls any nasty prank,

Then I'm out and will leave 

A trail of flames and blue smoke

Behind me without hesitation.

That is the truth,

Dear mother.

2017 turned to trash

Because of death.

2018 will be the year of healing

Because I'm finally going to learn 

How it's like to live.

So far I will have to say,

I prefer 2018 over 2017.

I really hope it stays that way

Or else I

Will also die.

And I want to live

As a human,

No matter how beautiful 

Flames and blue smoke are.