something more coherent? not really.

something more coherent? not really.

*coughs aggressively* 

ok, let’s begin. hello-

——————————————

Looking back at my blogging decisions, I can’t decide if I sabotaged myself or if I helped myself. Hey, maybe it’s both.

Would I be the same person if I quit blogging a long time ago (for example, when I quit playing AJ)? What if I never started a blog (by entering the AJ blogging community or not)? 

Blogging shaped me so much. My memory is so bad now. I wouldn’t be able to remember many more things if I didn’t write about them in blog posts. 

.... I forgot where I was going with this. oh wait-

-x-x-

I don’t even remember why I went down the route to make the story.. the way it is. Was it because I wanted to be “edgyy” or was I sad all along? Was I trivializing mental illnesses and personality disorders in the early years of this cursed blog? Would I be the way I exist today if I didn’t create this blog and whole corrupt story world and plot? 

Did I screw myself over by believing my characters are traumatized and/or mentally ill? Why did I decide all that in the first place? What was the point in starting this damn story? 

Well, I guess it resulted in me reading more about MIs and PDs than if I didn’t. Yeah..? 

-x-x-

........ I can’t figure out if the online drama I was in had anything significant to do with the reason my mental health.. is the way it is today. Or if it was because of irl factors and just that? Or would I be the wreck I am today even without those bad things that happened to me? I really don’t know. 

Did I cause myself to be this way? Did other people cause me to be this way? Was I going to be this way no matter what? Was there nothing I or anyone else could do to stop it? I don’t know, and it’s killing me. 

Am I to blame for the person I’ve become? Is it my, and only my, fault? 

Did other people in my life (temporarily or still to this day) affect me so much that it changed the person I would be if they didn’t do certain things to me (or did other certain things)? 

Did dA/ and tumblr/ make my mental health worse ever since I joined those sites? 

Is my whole online presence something that I thought brought me joy but only screwed me up mentally? 

I,, I don’t know!! 

-x-x-

I used to think thinking of and working on my story project was a bad coping skill and maybe even an act of self-harm or self-sabotage. Now, I’m not sure. 

It’s probably both. 

When I’m struggling to find a reason to stay alive, I can just think of my story project and characters. When I want to hurt myself, I can just imagine my characters being upset. Most of the time, I think of them looking like disasters and screaming their lungs out and/or them engaging in bad coping skills (where they hurt themselves). I can push my pain on them. They can hold my emotional wreckage for me. They can have all the shit. 

-x-x-

it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine & i’m fine i’m fine i’m fine i’m fine & it’s not fine it’s not fine & i’m not fine i’m not fine nothing is fine it’s not fine nothing is fine i’m absolutely not fine i’m not fine i’m not fine i’m not fucking fine & “it’s fine” and “i’m fine” are shitty phrases more than half of the time &&&&&& finefinefinefinefinefine fine no longer registers as a real word; fine. 

-x-x- 

My brother left again to go to where he has to be to start his new job. 

When’s the next time we’ll see each other in-person? 

I don’t know. 

idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk 

goodbye 

-x-x- 

.......... my dad can be pretty toxic. 

...... this house is toxic. 

t-o-x-i-c. that spells toxic. 

toxic. 

:( // :( // :( // :( //

-x-x- 

[s.h. / s.i. implied]

........ ........... I was feeling terrible when I made that post with the videos in it a few days ago. 

I kept on adding songs to include in the post to distract myself from actually hurting myself. Until I no longer had the thoughts to. 

((and i was getting tired of using my characters and drawing/writing vents and listening to music as a distraction from my own thoughts and looking for my pets so i can pet them and anything good but i turned to music despite all that so you’re welcome)) 

..................... and my wrists and forearms ache to ache and they may be burning on invisible flames 

i really (did) want to die again. 

...... I never had thoughts Like That before. to think of hurting myself Like That. 

no, i didn’t do it. but the fact that i honestly considered it? yeahhh that’s not good. 

there’s no blood on my skin tonight. 

////////////

-x-x- 

🖤🖤🖤

~ Cutepups