I spent plenty of nights doing nothing but lying in bed and adding more songs to my characters’ music playlists. A lot of the songs I put in them resonate with me too.
I checked and saw that I have a follower on one of my playlists. The person likes Ryen’s, I see.
Haha, I never added descriptions to any of the playlists. But yeah. All of the playlists I have so far are centered around my main characters in the story I haven’t actually worked on in so long.
I see all of my playlists as huge messes, but at the same time, they’re organized messes. I know that there’s more than one music genre in all of them, but I think the overall mood in each of them is distinct and strong. I have a hard time describing it though.
• Fauna playlist: it has an angelic vibe to her because I keep on imagining her being angel-like in appearance and personality. she reminds me of flying and (angel wings), and the wind as well. a gentle breeze, a cool breeze, a warm breeze. calming instrumental music. her playlist is my go-to playlist to calm down.
• Dawn playlist: it’s my other calming playlist. and not just because of the instrumental songs. some songs just comfort me. but some other songs are harsh. they’re full of hurt. she is full of hurt. her past was very painful and messed up. I think of her as being the one who tries to stay positive and helps to comfort the others. she’s so different than my first plans for her. Dawn is so kind and sweet. she means a lot to me, wow. some songs are very sad.
I don’t want to talk about the other playlists right now. But I’ll say this. Ardere’s and J’s playlists are about the fun side of things and being happy. They also have sad songs in their playlists because they also feel sad at times. None of my characters are happy all the time. No one is.
Ryen’s playlist has some older rock songs and a lot of instrumental songs because that’s the type of music I imagine him listening to. Well, in addition to the other songs I put in his playlist.
I guess I’ll just write it down emotion-wise.
[For the rest of this post, content warnings for: anxiety, panic attacks, self-harm, alcohol and drug use, suicide, suicidal ideation, hallucinating, disordered eating (?). I use explicit language.]
• Ryen’s playlist: anger, fury, rage, apathy, sadness, depressed, depression.
• Duke’s/Fierdan’s playlist: a wide range of emotions, they are emotional wrecks, they’re so fucked up. I think cynical is one of the main emotions I’m getting from their playlist. I feel like their cynics. so is Ryen. being traumatized takes up quite a space in their identities (identity?), I have to admit. they get mad. they harm themselves a lot. too much for anyone’s liking. but who can blame them? they also feel nothing at all. deep apathy just like what Ryen experiences. they all share being depressed and traumatized. it’s funny, considering I’m nothing like any of them when I’m myself, but I bet I think of them the most. I relate to them when I’m feeling the worst and my thoughts are irrational and violent and intrusive. I feel like my Duke/Fierdan side is coming through when I get my violent intrusive thoughts, and when I feel such a deep anger inside of me that eventually subsides to feeling so fucking empty that’s when I also feel like Ryen in addition to the other two. they get so sad that it physically pains me. also, Duke and Fierdan, in addition to harming themselves a lot, are suicidal characters. they’re very fucking suicidal. they’re not homicidal all the time, but they sure are suicidal a lot. and they’re impulsive, maybe Duke is a little more than Fierdan. haha, I’m concerned about these guys.
I don’t know how to even begin to describe Twinkle’s playlist. That playlist isn’t the longest (the Duke/Fierdan one is by a long shot) but it feels the most like a mess. I don’t know how to emotionally describe her playlist. She’s the main-main character in my head. Even more than Duke or Fierdan. well, I guess she experienced many, many new things. her entire life went upside down. she had to go through a lot of shit. dang, I love her.
J___ got himself involved with drugs (and no, not just his medication). Ryen got himself involved with alcohol to cope with.. everything that happened. Duke used alcohol as a maladaptive coping mechanism. Fierdan (story 2) becomes someone who drinks alcohol a lot, smokes sometimes, in addition to more questionable things. They’re all some form of addict.
Ok, that’s all I’ll say about this broad topic for now.
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The date is June 9th.
It’s been a year since my senior prom.
So, it’s been a year.
Already? Wow.
I got bad anxiety that night. I hate anxiety.
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Lately, I’ve been thinking about my past. And realizing the stuff I went through.. yeah, none of that was normal. “Normal” people don’t go through things like that. Heck, I was never normal.
Realizing things fucked me up.
Here’s a list:
• When I first started eating regular food, I didn’t really eat anything. I had to go to a food therapist (eating therapist?).. fuck, I forgot what it was called. That baby cousin I talked about in the last post or a few posts ago? Well, he has issues with food and goes to a food/eating therapist (and sees other doctors for such-and-such reasons). So anyway, at one point we (me, my sister, and the mother of the baby (I could’ve phrased that better but whatever)) were talking about how I had issues with eating when I was very young. It was because I had a sensory issue with food. hmm... so yeah. that’s totally normal /s.
• I’m skipping a lot of other “not normal” things because I only wanted to talk about a few of them. **
• I think it was in middle school when I first started having panic attacks. Only fairly recently did I become aware that what I went through then was in fact a panic attack. I used to think I first got them a few years later. But now I’m pretty sure I had panic attacks before then. And it’s messing me up a lot. I don’t mean having a rush of anxiety or an anxiety attack, I mean actual panic attacks. Knowing that I had them quite a few times in middle school and (in the first half of) high school is messing me up so much these days. What I went through isn’t normal. “Normal kids” don’t go through that painful, agonizing shit. I should’ve known that what I went through those times wasn’t just me zoning out and me experiencing heat stroke. How can someone have heat stroke when it isn’t hot outside and you’re in a strongly air-conditioned building? Like, duh, that makes no sense. I read that suddenly having an overwhelming feeling of intense heat throughout your body out of nowhere is a sign of panic attack. Well, that’s what I experienced quite a few times. It’s very scary. I’m so scared of that ever happening to me again. I swear, they feel like death. And I swear, I have the strangest trigger (triggers?). God.. I don’t even know how to describe it or name it. If I try, it’ll make me feel a little uncomfortable at best. And I still doubt if I really have anxiety problems (I’m leaving out a lot of stuff btw). And since I’m one who internalizes my problems and doesn’t lash out, no one noticed a damn thing was wrong with me any of the times this shit happened to me. And I can’t really blame them.
• For a few weeks (or maybe it was just several days? I forgot-) in the summer of 2016, I was hearing pop songs in my room that were a few years old. I heard the music at absurd hours of the day, especially late at night (past midnight if I remember correctly?). And not just on Fridays or weekends. Ok so my point is that I’m pretty sure there never actually was music playing. I could only hear it in my room though. But logically it couldn’t be possible for me to hear music from outside (with my window closed) inside my room. I was doing other things, I’m pretty sure, but I could still hear the music. And there wasn’t music playing in my room. I checked my room but couldn’t find anything. I think it got the worst when I was trying to sleep..? In addition to all that, my mental health was very, very bad in the summer of 2016. Like, really bad. I’m still a little fucked up over what happened back then (and in late 2017 when my mental health deteriorated and I was extremely passively suicidal every day). Oops, I’m getting off topic. So what I’m trying to get at is that I think I was possibly hallucinating with the whole music thing that summer. Thinking back at it, I’m seeing the signs of an auditory hallucination. Thank god nothing like that happened to me since then. But, damn, it’s messing me up that there’s a likely chance I hallucinated before. And for days on end. It was disturbing. Haha, my mental health is great :} /s.
• I have a scar on the inside of my lower lip from having hit the bathroom floor face-first. From fainting. From having a panic attack. I don’t think about it that much anymore (it happened way back in the summer of 2016, what a year that was), but it messes me up when others point it out and ask me how I got it. I still have trouble explaining how I did.
• I spent the majority of my senior year of high school being passively suicidal. I had suicidal ideation just about every day until 2017 ended (then I had it less often). And thinking back on that is really fucking me up. Spending senior year being suicidal when every other senior classmate is excited to being almost done with school and happy about that.. damn, that sure messed me up. Being suicidal isn’t normal, god damn it! Fuck!! And the times I tried telling my family (parents) that I wanted to die and felt suicidal they didn’t acknowledge what I told them at all. They still haven’t. They still don’t. And like.. hey, that’s pretty fucked up, if you ask me. From September to the end of December 2017, I had suicidal thoughts almost every day. That’s a long time for being suicidal every day with no real breaks, god damn. Not being believed when you tell others your struggles sure is great! :^} /s.
And that’s all shit from the past and only the past. Not the present.
Yikes @ myself. :I
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I listen to music so much nowadays because it literally feels like I can’t function if I’m not distracted from my own thoughts.
And yes, falling asleep is pretty hard. But I still sleep a lot, ha ha.
I hate when I can’t be distracted. :(
I even make myself angry by reading bullshit on the internet in order to distract myself from my thoughts from the hell brain.
*sighs*
-x-x-
.... to be honest with you guys,
I’ll be surprised if I don’t attempt suicide this summer.
:-}
If every day is going to continue to be like this, it looks like the chances of me doing so are pretty high.
I have thoughts screaming in my head every day that I seriously deserve to die and that I need to. That’s only one reason I can’t stand not being distracted from my own thoughts.
I know writing this down isn’t helpful, but it’s bothering me having this all in my head. And only writing it down on paper didn’t help that much either. So I’m being an attention wh*re again, I guess. Oops.
And my family isn’t saying it directly, but they sure are re-enforcing that “I deserve to die” thought pattern I have.
I swear, I’m painted as the villain in this story. And the lazy one who doesn’t do shit on top of that. I’m both, apparently.
I feel so hypervigilant these days. It feels like I’m walking on eggshells every day in this damn house.
I already repeatedly tell myself the worst things they tell me.
Thanks for affirming that those thoughts of mine are completely true. It means a lot to me. :^} /s.
Gotta love that suicidal ideation coming back again! /s.
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ehhh ...
I could write more about my suicidal thoughts, but I’ll save you the trouble.
I won’t get into that shit.
:-)
-x-x-
Happy list of things that make me not want to die:
• Listening to music
• Thelma my cat
• Sunshine my dog
• Zo my other cat (?)
• Chatting with my friends (and by that, I mean texting/online messaging)
• Watching TV shows (but I haven’t had any motivation to continue any of the shows I’m watching for days now)
• Watching movies (I guess?)
• Being told I’m good with babies (? yeah what-)
• Food
• I’m not putting (my) art or writing in this list. I can’t think of anything else, oops bye.
-x-x-
sorry y’all
press F for respect
*F*
-x-x-
I’m thinking of going by “Shan” in addition to “Cutepups”
yeah idk
yeah idk why I wrote this and decided to post it
bye-
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