thanks in advance.
—————
I took a nap earlier but still at night, and I ended up sleeping a lot longer than I anticipated. So now it’s 4 am and I’m awake.
The rest of this post is going to be a disorganized rant/vent. I’m not intending on sounding poetic here, even to my poetry style standards.
I’m going to use “bad words” so if you don’t want to read something filled with them, then just ignore this post or just suck it up and deal with it.
I guess the topics are of “sensitive content” so uh.. keep that in mind. Or whatever. I don’t care.
I feel like I haven’t made a post like this in so long. Ok, ok. Honesty with Cutepups at 4 am- let’s go!
———————————-
You know what? It’s really saying something.
It’s really saying something when your family is (or at least “acts”) more concerned about the other people in your family than you.
And by that, I mean my family at me.
Ok, pause, let me just add. I’m really only focusing on one thing. It didn’t happen for a while, but it’s really bothering me now for some reason.
The other day, I gave myself a long look in the mirror without my glasses on and then with my glasses on again. By the time I did that did I fully realize how much of a wreck I am.
Like, lol, it’s so funny how I look pretty obviously unhealthy. It’s not just “irrational thinking” or whatever the fuck. It’s so obviously physical, and the fact that no one points out how close to death I look.. lol I think that’s saying something.
Shit, hold on. Here’s more of an explanation.
I go see my family usually once a month since I’ve started college. I usually go home.
(By family, I mean my parents and sister. And usually my grandma too.)
So that means they see me pretty often.
(Ah fuck, I’m tired again.)
So anyway my point is I physically look tired all the time. Even if it looks like I’m “energetic” or “happy” I always am tired. Honestly at this point, if you can look me in the face, and think I’m doing “fine” and that I’m “healthy” (even just physically and not counting mentally), then not to sound like an asshat but.. you must be very fucking blind and not know shit.
Lol I really shouldn’t have to explicitly tell people word-for-word to let them know I’m not doing so well in the health department. I really shouldn’t! Especially my own family members! Fuck!
So, here are some things about me:
• I usually sleep between 6 and 8 hours a night on weekdays, 7 for the most part. I feel like I’m unable to sleep more than 8 at once.
• For me, 20 minute or less naps are completely fucking useless. They don’t help me at all. I can’t fall asleep to any degree in under 20 minutes, even if I am completely utterly exhausted. Like, that’s just not happening with me. You want to know what I do when I try to take a 20 minute or less nap? I don’t sleep, I don’t rest, I end up feeling more restless, I’m not less or more tired than before I took it, I just end up lying on my bed with my eyes closed wishing I could just get some fucking rest but only end up wasting time I could be doing any possible thing by lying down with my eyes closed and not doing anything and I hate it—
• The dark circles under my eyes are huge. I only just realized how obvious they are when I took my glasses off and looked at myself the other day. Like.. shit. I knew I had them for months now and that my eyes feel tired no matter the time of day, but I didn’t really know how bad they’ve gotten. Damn, it’s pretty scary.
(I think I should get more sleep. Especially right now since it’s nearly 5 am. But oh well!)
Ok so here’s my point to all this.
Every time we (my family) get to see my brother in person after not seeing him for a few/several months, the rest of them always point out how tired he is/looks and how they’re concerned for his health and yadyadayada.
And I bet I sound like an ass. But like. They only do it with him. Not with my sister, not with me, just with him.
And I just find it so funny that they practically blurt out their concerns for him that he looks so tired all the time whenever they look at his face. Especially when they look at his eyes.
Lol I just don’t get it, man. I really don’t.
Is it because he drinks alcohol a lot? Is it because he has his job and internship in addition to going to college classes?
Like.. what the fuck is it?
Hey, hey. Hey. In general, I sleep less hours per night than he says he does. Just because I spend a lot of time alone in my room doesn’t mean I spend a lot of time sleeping. When I look at him and then myself, my eyes and face look a lot more tired and unhealthy as hell than his do and does. All the damn time. But do any of them talk to me about how they’re concerned about my health/wellbeing? Hell no! Who gives a shit about me? I just go to my classes at college; I don’t have a job or internship at the same time. Why worry about me? I don’t even have a fucking job!
I swear I could literally collapse in front of my parents in exhaustion, but they would ignore that and point out with parental concern that my brother needs to take care of himself more because his eyes look oh just a little tired.
Fucking hell. This is bothering me so much. I can’t.
I’m really only referring to physical appearances. Nothing more.
Moving on to something else.
Physically, I’m doing so badly, you guys. I’m starting to get pretty worried about my body physically. And it’s weird because I’m not even thinking of mental health when it comes to it.
Here’s some disturbing Cutepups life fact. My nose feels congested pretty often. Yeah yeah, no big deal, it’s allergy season. I get that. Hey, it’s normal.
But here’s where it gets pretty weird. Lately when my nose feels the most congested, I blow my nose to get rid of that awful feeling and end up with blood on my tissues instead of mucus. Like you would expect it to be mucus causing my nose to feel so stuffed up? But no lol- it’s my blood.
Ugh, I also feel like I’m exaggerating when I write down stuff regarding my body. Like I’m exaggerating the extent of my pain or whatever. So I have to remind myself that I’m not. I’m not lying about this. I wish I was. But I’m not. And.. well, I’m scared.
I don’t get blood every time I blow my nose. But it’s just that when my nose feels more congested than usual, I ended up having blood pour out of my nostril (only one of them I think? so.. huh) recently. And yes, I do mean pour. The last time this happened with me, a lot of blood fell out of my nostril. I had to use several tissues because each of them would get covered in red in a few seconds flat.
Damn, I really wish i was messing with you guys. But I’m too tired to lie and make shit up like that. When I write posts about my pain, I’m telling the truth. Yeah, this shit is disturbing and terrifying, but it’s the truth.
I just.. don’t know what to do? Like it’s pretty obvious this isn’t normal.
Go to the doctor? Uh.. well.... idk.
I don’t think I can go to one until the semester is over and I’m back home. Which isn’t for another few weeks. And this has been going on around once a week or two for around a month. So...
And to put the cherry on top for all this body fuckery, this past week I got nosebleeds more than once a week (one day a week).
Umm hey, are frequent nosebleeds something bad? Lol, asking for a friend, thanks.
At college, my nose would bleed in my dorm. Which is on the 10th floor. So ok, that’s not too bad. It’s just because of the height. No biggie.
But then I came home (which means not living 10 stories or higher up off the ground), and I got 2 or 3 nosebleeds during the weekend.
So uh.. huh. huh...
And now my family knew that I got at least one of those weekend nosebleeds.
Not because my nose was bleeding during the car ride. No, not that. But because a few minutes later while we were all at grandma’s house did my nose start bleeding again.
Ah, haha, ahahahahaha. My body is so fucked up at this point, holy shit. How am I not dead yet? I seriously wonder that more and more as each month passes.
Omg it’s 5:30.
Now I’m going to guess potential comments! :^)
@ me, Cutepups:
• umm wtf lol
• go to the hospital
• you just love to make me worry about you *smh*
• damn
• lol your family tho bruh
• this post isn’t even about animal jams :/
• something something related to aj
• i’m genuinely concerned/worried about you ;-; <3
yeah idk what else.
(change my mind)
I won’t get into it now, but I’ll end it with this.
I’m pretty sure my brain is broken/damaged. And yet, I question whether I am or ever had mental health problems.
Like ok. If I actually didn’t have something wrong happening with my mental health, then my brain and body wouldn’t be the way they are.
Damn it. I was passively suicidal nearly every fucking day of my junior and senior years of high school. Especially the latter year.
And yet (yet!) I still question myself on what I’ve been through as something normal. I know it shouldn’t be something normal, but I can’t help to think it was. And I hate being like this!
I have no motivation left, and I’m in the middle of academic burnout, but finals are coming up. and my grades are dropping and I can’t seem to care and I don’t care anymore and I know I should care but I just don’t.
My memory is damaged. My nose is possibly damaged. My brain is probably damaged. My body as a whole is damaged. And that must mean I’m damaged too.
It really fucking sucks!!
..............
Bye.
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