Topics I was gonna talk about this weekend but didn’t

Yeah, well, just read the title for what this post is going to be about. 

... huh, it now feels like I made the last post a few days ago. not yesterday. (what the heck is time)

I’m so tired. I have another class to go to soon. Ugh. I’m tired of school. *sigh, sigh*

So anyway, here’s a list of topics I was planning on talking about this past weekend on here but obviously didn’t. I got caught up with other things. 

Topics (some need further explaining that I’m too lazy/tired to provide right now): 

• “Starlight” 

• Write poems for NaPoWriMo since it’s April now 

• Post the poems I wrote for my creative writing class

• Post what I wrote for my “opening sentences” assignment I had for my creative writing class 

• A long post about Ardere, his home life and how it differs from the lives of my other main characters, and his music playlist and what all the mentions of “trees” means.

• Just the fact that I know and am aware of every/nearly every problematic element in my story project (aka the one I never shut up about on here) all the freaking time. Every. Single. One. I Know. 

• The Race/Racism in my story. I just... I’ll go into more detail when I’m less tired. 

• How I’m closer than ever before to saying “screw it” and changing all of the ages of my main characters (protagonists). Especially since I just remembered I’ll be turning 19 next month. To cut it short- I’m gonna make the characters a few years older than what I have been saying. (ex.- Fierdan being a 19 y/o.)

• More info about J___ 

Yeah, I think that’s all of it. Those are some topics. Ok. 

Huh, it looks like a lot. Hmm...

I wanted to post about Ardere ever since I created his playlist. But then I didn’t (*smh* @ myself). 

Ok but I seriously have to talk in detail about race and racism in the story. 

Like.. me being paranoid that everything is racist and that’s shitty and I need to fix it— 

That :-) 

I bet I know tons of more problematic (actually, worse than just that) elements in this story project than you can think of. Mostly because I’m the creator and know lots of info I didn’t mention in any posts yet. 

And tbh it makes me feel like shit a lot. Haha, it just makes me hate myself for thinking up these truly terrible writing ideas. 

It’s so fvcked up, you guys have no idea. There is so much disturbing shit. 

Oh and also how I don’t even know why I’m so interested in making my characters all have traits that I can’t relate to at all. And hey, that makes everything all the more complicated and hard for me. 

(Why do I like to make myself suffer? lmao) 

Also, I’m most likely not going to do this, but as a bitter aro* TM, I sometimes get tempted to make all my main characters aro or arospec*. More often these days, I get very tempted to. But will I really do that? Eh.. probably not. Well, not for all of them. 

(aro* = aromantic // arospec* = on the aromantic spectrum) 

I watched a dumb YT video last night about romance and everyone wants romance/to be loved and it pretty much ruined my night and yeah I’m annoyed and yeah I’m not adding commas or periods here because screw it 

I don’t think I truly understood what kissing means in 2014 when I started writing kiss scenes (and makeout scenes *rolls eyes*) in the story. Like.. how physical and sloppy it is and now it’s leaving me uncomfortable? Yet I don’t have this annoyed and uncomfortable feeling as much when I think of the sensual and sexual story ideas I have for J___ and Fierdan. So that’s.. weird (? idk). 

And idk.. it’s easier for me to think of my male characters than my female ones. I have so many more details about my guys than my girls. Like idk.. I feel more connected to the guys but definitely not in the sense of relating to them because I don’t. Oh and I find it a lot easier to find songs to put in my boys’ playlists than the ones for my girls. 

I’m too tired to edit my sentences so they’ll flow better. Sorry in advance if it’s hard to understand what I’m saying. 

Ok so like. I’m pretty sure I’m aroace. But like.. hmm.... I generally feel more romance-repulsed than sex-repulsed these days. So now I don’t mind writing dirty humor and things with sexual themes. Same goes for reading. idk why I’m typing this, idk this is something new for me—

And now I hear a lot more people than before bringing up their boyfriends (it’s only been girls with boyfriends doing this so) and relationship stuff and shit (when I’m around and can hear everything or simply when I’m in the group with them) and ugh why aaaahhhhhhhh.......—

(people shut up about romance challenge lol) 

Also, btw.. wtf does it mean to be a Girl? wtf even is gender? ..... /or is it personal internalized misogyny?/ (hahahahah fvck). Not in terms of liking feminine things... ok not that. Like.. what’s the difference between being a girl/woman and.. idk, just liking feminine things? 

(fvck being coherent) 

Actually, ignore this post. It’s just for myself. 

Now I gotta review the romance part of my Spanish textbook. Words and phrases and all that jazz. 

Ok bye.