why am i like this

Hello. The day has passed. I'm just here to post about stuff I've been thinking.

"I was weak ... I have failed You ... Others hurt me ... I hurt others" - dang man that hits close.

New beginning; time to restart. Well, uhm, yeah.

I got kinda sick last night. I was worrying and feeling sad again. Yeah that again, oops.

Then I decided to look at positive things, go on positive websites, and listen to calm music. Since, well, looking at negativity wasn't going to help me. So then I discovered these songs by Oh Wonder and instantly fell in love. Then again, any song I end up liking a lot I instantly get obsessed with it.

I tend to get more tired on days when I wake up later. It's like the more hours I sleep at night, the more tired I am the next morning and rest of the day.

If my stomach doesn't lowkey hurt all the time, I think I would sleep most of the time when I'm home. Tied to anxiety and that shiz. Right now it's hurting because of the tests I have tomorrow and then seeing the oral surgeon tomorrow too. And how I basically ruined my math grade. And also how I have to write 2 or 3 essays tomorrow.

I'm so tired of always worrying. Heck, I'm tired of being tired.

I've been thinking. Everything on the internet is so fragile. Like, I know it's crazy, but it's not that hard to, well, straight up lie on the internet. To just hurt people. I already view myself as being a liar (let's just say it's related to mental health/illness stuff.. idk). But like. I can't help feeling like I'm lying and being manipulative to people on the internet (like you guys).

I constantly feel guilty about this. I just want to start everything over. Make it so no one knows anything about me. New internet identity. Just escape the past. Set the past on fire and leave. Don't come back, just go.

My life isn't awful. It's not crap. Life is pretty decent, pretty good. What do I have to be sad about? I can still be happy, right? Is it even real?

Ah, gotta love invalidating myself until I feel so guilty I feel sick. Great, so great.

Some of the thoughts I get a lot disgust me. I'm just so sick of myself. Sometimes I think about just breaking every internet friendship. Ruining everything. Just hurting people and messing with them. And then deleting everything that connects me to them.

It's sick. I don't want to intentionally hurt any friends I made. I don't want to severely hurt anyone that doesn't deserve it.

But yet I repeatedly think about how easy doing that would be.

I don't know, what if things were reversed? I could hurt people before they could hurt me more. I could leave people first before they do. Change the roles around.

Haha yeah, thought these things too. Bad things; bad thoughts. Bad person.

I also feel like most people are against me. People at school; people irl in general. Well, uhm, I also feel that people are against me on here. Meaning people hate me. And possibly start rumors about me (like at school, aaahh).

So I'm thinking about why I post so much. Be active online so much. Be so personal.

I don't know.

I don't know why I do this.

I must love making myself suffer on purpose.

Thoughts.

Haahaa.

Sorry.