Ugh, I'm scared for one of my classes tomorrow. Gosh, that class is so stressful. It's not even my math class. Geez, why did I choose to take it? I regret my decision.
Art? Art is hard. The class is art.
Haha, I'm a failure. Probably. Sorry. Heh.
I'm gonna use a "-x-x-" to divide my different thoughts. Okay.
-x-x-
I can't help but thinking I'm being a burden on my parents (and grandma).
The university I most want to go to is actually pretty darn expensive. I didn't even know it was that expensive until well after I sent out my application. And now, I don't know what to do.
College costs so much money. I hate this.
I hate feeling worthless and so guilty. I want to wash all this guilt off my soul, but I can't.
As for why I also put my grandma, well, we're going on a trip to Europe in late June soon after my high school graduation.
It's a plane flight to that European country (obviously) and then we're taking a cruise all around the country.
The trip sounds awesome, I really do think that.
But man, it's so much money. Well, obviously it is.
It's already paid for and everything. I do want to go, but I don't know if I'm worth it to go. I'm not as good as them (my siblings). Do I really deserve having so much money spent on me? Something for me?
I'm so much worse than them. I hate feeling guilty basically 24/7. I hate this inferiority complex I have. I hate this, I hate that, I hate so much about myself.
In the past, I've been told many times that I waste the money people (especially my parents) spend on me (stuff for me). Because I don't use that stuff all the time. I rarely do or not at all, honestly.
College tuition and the European trip.. both cost thousands of dollars on their own.
I just.. don't want to be a burden. To make it seem as if I'm benefiting off of the money they're losing that they're spending on stuff for me.
But I can't help but to think- What if all of this is a waste? A waste of money? Why would you all waste so much money on a waste of life who is constantly thinking of wasting their life away in the next five years?
I just.. don't want to make them get mad at me. To think I'm ungrateful. That I enjoy their suffering. I don't, I don't, I really don't.
-x-x-
No matter where I go to college, I know I have to dorm.
(If you don't know what I mean by dorm, it means having a roommate basically. Sharing a room with someone. Oh and dorm rooms are pretty small, so there isn't a lot of space. I've been in plenty of dorms because of my siblings, and I see the dorms on college campus/residential tours. They're all the same, for the most part. Same things, same layout.)
You probably don't know how terrified I am of going to college and having to dorm. Dorming would be the best option; I can't avoid it forever. I have to socialize and get to know people, haha.
I really don't know how I would be able to continue blogging at college. I would only be able to in my dorm room. At home, I get so uncomfortable whenever there's the possibility of anyone seeing me typing a post. They don't even have to be looking at my screen, they could just be in the same room as me (so my bedroom). And since I'll be sharing a room with someone at college, then there would always be someone else living in the same place as I am. Sure, I guess I could post when that person isn't in the room, but I don't know how often and long that'll be.
I'm so scared of having a roommate. I really don't know how to socialize with other people my age irl. I'm anxious and awkward af. I speak way too softly, and I think my voice is way too high pitched. I'm an extreme introvert.
Geez.. I feel like no matter who I have as a roommate, that person will hate me. Or, well, get tired of me at some point early on in the semester.
Or that my roommate will be overly friendly and extroverted (which are good things, yes), but will soon realize I can't be like that, and just ditch me and make fun of me around their group of friends.
Yeah.. idk.
I'm not sure how it's like in other parts of the US, but where I am, there's this part of the college application (uh.. Common App). It has a section about gender identity and how you identify yourself.
For a long while, I've questioning on and off if I'm cis or not. And I still don't know.
But then one day, I was like this basically. "Screw it, I'll just secretly identify myself as nonbinary. I already have (minor?) dysphoria over parts of my body, so.. why not? Since I have dysphoria and such a disconnection from other girls my age, then maybe I'm not exactly cis? I still relate a lot to girls and women though, it's just not as much as others (idk how to word things?).
Since I'm not out irl for anything lgbt related, I didn't click anything besides "female" for the gender and gender identity section.
I mean.. I still use the ladies' room. I doubt I'll ever use a gender neutral restroom. Unless I start binding (with an actual binder) and start having T (which I doubt I'll actually do even though I have briefly thought about it).
Who am I kidding? I'm way too sensitive and speak too softly/quietly for anyone irl to even view me as anything other than cis female.
So anyway, that would mean that my roommate would be another girl. Duh.
But since I have such a distinct disconnection from other girls (by girls, I mean girls around my age (high school) and up? not thinking of little kids as much? idk if what I'm saying makes any sense), I feel as if something about dorming won't work out.
Every (well, just about every) girl in my grade at school is excited about prom and getting their prom dresses. "How much money was it? Where did you buy it? Etc, etc." I know I'll regret not going to prom, but I'm really not interested in thinking about it. I still like dresses a lot, but I'm not as excited about buying an expensive prom dress.
I guess that makes me be the weird kid? I don't know.
And even my close friend irl is really into makeup. I've never been interested in makeup. I rarely wear any, and when I do, it's for a formal fancy event. And I'm absolute trash at putting it on myself. I'm only decent at painting my nails, but that's not even makeup.. lol.
So if they're all really into these things, then would a new girl roommate judge me (insult me?) for not being like just another typical girl who puts on makeup and shaves every day? I really don't know, so I'm very scared.
And even if I did put nonbinary or whatever on the application, I still think I would feel out of place dorming with someone like that.
It's a loss every way. Ugh, it's the curse of being me. Heck.
-x-x-
Me? Just a girl who technically has dysphoria? But wait.. what girl willingly has dysphoria about those things? That would make someone nonbinary.. huh, guess that's me. Apparently, some nonbinary people don't even have dysphoria and they still identify that way. Shut up you dumb brain, that's not stupid. Don't judge people you don't even know so harshly. Don't be such a jerk, brain. God.. damn it. I don't know anything, I'm just a fool.
My hair always gets severely tangled. That's how it is right now, haha. This happens every time. I don't even have the energy to bother combing and brushing my hair every day.
What if I just cut it all off and leave it short? Since I can never bother to take care of my hair properly?
Oh, that's right. It's not as if I can cut my hair very short without feeling even more uncomfortable about my body. Stupid dry scalp.. gross.. thanks, I hate it.
Uhh umm..? she/they? they/she? they/them? she/they/he? they/she/he? they/he? she/he/they? ???????????????? The first.. four? ??????
I'm probably never gonna straight up tell anyone (especially people I barely know) not to call me "girl" or "boy" but I kinda feel fake when people call me that?
I also get a little annoyed when my family says "her" so many times when talking about me to other people. I'm hearing this, and I'm like, why though.
I just don't know a thing, my guy.
-x-x-
I was thinking of adding some thoughts about my characters, but that wouldn't really fit this specific post theme.
Yeah, I'm done for now.
It's well after midnight now, haha.
Time to go to sleep.
Good night.
~ Cutepups <3
(Sleep? What sleep? Now you also have to worry about what you just typed, silly Cutepups.)
. . . . . . :}
No comments:
Post a Comment