I had this post idea for a few days now, but I haven't been motivated to post it until now. So here I am now.
I doubt I will, but I might post again later today. I probably won't though because I should be working on school stuff some more. And on top of that, I always feel awkward after posting.
So.. yeah.
I'm glad to say that my ears aren't hurting anymore. The other day, I felt like I damaged my eardrums (ha, ha). Well, I like how I can listen to music through my earbuds again.
And now onto the main topic of this post. :-)
I noticed that I haven't made a long, dumb post over my story characters in a while. That guy? I haven't posted about him for a few days. Has it been over a week? I think so.
My boy.. I abandoned my boy! Hold on, let me get him!
[And at this sudden break in the post, feel free to question my existence. Ooh, ahh.]
.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.................
~ warning: following content mentions stuff like pain ~
(ab*use/s mention regarding my fire son character)
Psst, I'm going to ramble (and cry to myself) about Fierdan.
Him... ;-; <3 :/
Alright. Since I've been thinking of posting Chapter 76 soon (whenever the heck that is), I've been looking back at Chapter 75.
I also keep on reading my recent (ex) Fierdan themed poem. The one I titled, "Kill The Name (He Died That Day)".
I keep on getting chills whenever I read what I write in Fierdan POVs in the story. That's just the vibe I get from him. Does anyone else get chills when reading his POVs? Or is that another Cutepups only thing?
In Chapter 75, I get chills more than once whenever I read Fauna's POV during times when Fierdan says something. Like.. dang.. this freaking guy.
Whenever Fierdan is in story scenes in general, I feel the chills. (By chills, I mean emotional chills, not really physical. But sometimes it is physical with me as well because I'm weird like that.)
Specifically in Chapter 75, I felt the chills when I wrote and read the flashback part in Fauna's POV. That part was intentionally one of my Chills TM moments. But a few days ago really, I was looking over that POV again, and I kept on staring at this line Fierdan says near the end of the chapter. It's not the very last thing he said (though I also feel some emotions at that last line).
It's when Fierdan says, "I never asked for it, yet I still received it."
Now I'm reading that sentence, and I'm like damn. I don't think I even intended for that line to be Fierdan on the borderline of telling another person (beside Duke and Dawn?) his history with abuse and manipulations. But that's all I can think of when I read that sentence now.
(Wait, why did I make him say 'body anatomy'? What the heck?)
Well anyway, there's this part in the poem that gives me chills.
It's when I wrote (in Fierdan's/Danny's/idk what to call him in this poem- pfft), "Just like how Soulless was with me / And they wanted to touch my body / With their sickening kindness."
That line.. hurts me. But dang, I love how I worded that.
***(Oh before I continue, I feel like I should say this. I know I write (and think) a lot about the different types of abuses that have happened to some of my characters. I'm constantly paranoid that my few active blog viewers are sick of me posting about this topic, and yeah I guess that makes sense. I'm bad at wording things, but every time I write about my abused characters, I'm trying to vaguely hint at the fact that one of my story themes (for story 1 and 2) is how abuse is terrible- very, very much so. The pain these characters go through isn't something that should be glorified. Even when it regards Twinkle, the abuses these characters have gone through.. the point I'm trying to make is that.. it ruins lives. It's ugly. Very freaking ugly. I never meant to make any abuse seem "cool" or "not that bad" because.. spoiler alert.. it psychologically f*cked up every single one of them. Like, a lot. For every one of them, I'm going to canonically make them be mentally ill. Oh and about Fierdan, I'm not saying he has X disorder because he's like, "oh sh*t, I killed those people; I'm gonna use X disorder as an excuse for my obvious sh*tty behavior." Because.. no, that's not it. Well yeah, because of his actions and being aware of the manipulations and lies, but that's just one part of it. Honestly, I've been scared of actually making Fierdan be diagnosed with X disorder in story 2 because of what he did in story 1. But now I keep on thinking of him having it, and it's like.. well.. how can I not make him have it? Especially after those things he said in chapters and in those poems about him. And I'm also not planning on only making Fierdan have this X disorder. But that's not the only mental illness I think of the characters having. Oh and this sort of thing in story 1 is worded badly and sketchy, but in story 2, it'll be more official like. More real. Uh.. yeah. I've been thinking of having (actual, official- not like those sad excuses in story 1) story scenes of therapy sessions in story 2. Probably gonna bring up meds, too. Yeah.. umm.. that. The X disorder would be ptsd (post-traumatic stress disorder). I've been thinking about having a few characters having it, and I'm making their reactions toward their traumas (reactions like symptoms, basically) not be exactly the same but vaguely similar.. because their pasts are all different in some ways, like the abuser and the trauma isn't all the same for all of them. Am I wording this badly? Mm.. maybe. Yeah.. damn.. I had to take a break from typing up this post for almost an hour, and now I don't know where I was going with this. Sorry.. heh.)
If you still don't get my hint, those lines from Chapter 75 and the poem are about Soulless- the gray, large white-eyed demon that only Fierdan and Duke know far too well- being Fierdan's -Jamaa- lifelong abuser.
Yeah, those two lines are about abuse. Yeah.. heck.
Regarding the Chapter 75 one, Soulless severely hurt little kid Fierdan psychologically and physically for years and years all the damn time. Soulless forced Fierdan to learn anger and resentment and mercilessness. Before Soulless, Fierdan was basically a pacifist. The rest of Fierdan's childhood and adolescence in -Jamaa- with Soulless always being with him- and only him- was when Soulless forcefully recreated Fierdan to be stigmatized as this violent, well, killer. But.. spoiler alert.. every death he caused- except his father's- was seen as a good and intended thing. By who? Certain evil people (in story 2). Also his father. And of course that's a lifelong lie, that ultimately f*cked up Fierdan even more (the deaths already f*cked him up, but he couldn't exactly explain his real feelings about it all to other people because of Soulless controlling Fierdan mentally and physically so much).
Fierdan never asked, never wanted for Soulless to come. Now this also relates to that line from the poem. Soulless.. is a complicated character, alright. What are their true intents? Well, too ultimately ruin Fierdan and Duke, of course! If Soulless was consistent and only hurt Fierdan and Duke, then they (Fierdan and Duke) would get used to that enough and want to get rid of Soulless much sooner. But what took Fierdan so long to realize that Soulless is always bad no matter how they're behaving toward him. In -Jamaa-, Soulless was the only character that stayed with Fierdan through everything. Fierdan and Dawn were very close before and after coming to -Jamaa- but Soulless stayed with Fierdan much closer (they manipulated his mind) and longer than Dawn ever did. About Fierdan and Dawn, I kinda see Fierdan being Dawn's protector and someone who wouldn't hurt her but would hurt someone who even thought of hurting her. Even staring at Dawn for too long would have made Fierdan angry at that person because Dawn as a child used to be very uncomfortable when she was aware that people were staring at her. So, a stranger looking at Dawn could have made Fierdan interpret that as a threat to Dawn. And why was Dawn like that? It's because of her past (trauma) that took place before -Jamaa-. But she doesn't exactly know why she was that way when she was younger. Human world memories were forgotten for the most part, so.. yeah.
Regarding that line from the poem, Soulless didn't always physically abuse Fierdan whenever they touched. For example, Soulless could hug or pat Fierdan on the back after Fierdan did what Soulless wanted him to do. Like, after killing someone, or Fierdan just growing angrier with any other character (his father, later including Dawn). That praise from Soulless is when they're showing Fierdan kindness and love. And only getting praise, kindness, and ultimately love in situations such as Fierdan having killed someone or being consumed more with deep hatred.. well, it's sick. It's messed up. It's, as I wrote it and he said it, sickening kindness. It's a skewed version of love, but after Fierdan being truly isolated from others for so long, it's the only love he knows. It's basically praise/kindness/love that only comes from violence and hate. That's sick. Soulless is a sick bastard.
.... umm.. f*ck. Those two Fierdan lines also look like they could be referring to sexual abuse. They sound like things a victim of that could say. Damn, maybe that's also why the lines are giving me so many freaking chills.
Ah.. f*ck you, Cutepups.
(No, there was no sexual abuse between(? idk words, heck) Soulless and Fierdan. Probably not. Likely not. Yeah.. no. *hey there, I rate this story series as mature, keeps on f*cking me up and I'm the writer*. But maybe.. just maybe.. Soulless would brush by Fierdan, intentionally and awkwardly. Fierdan has been the puppet of melancholy for Soulless. Yeah, the puppet of melancholy- I talked about that before. It's a big theme regarding a bunch of characters (Fierdan, Duke, Soulless, Z- Fierdan's father-, Taurel, then possibly later with Ryen). The puppets being Fierdan and Duke, then much later, Taurel. They're the ones being used, hurt. The puppeteers being Z (as the main one), Soulless, Taurel, and even Fierdan with Duke being the puppet. Ryen is somehow both a puppet and puppeteer. But at different times, Fierdan, Duke, and Taurel become both puppets and puppeteers. It's supposed to be a brutally violent metaphor.. ha, ha. And several times in the past, Soulless would intrusively (again, what are words?) come out and talk to Fierdan when he would be all alone (of course) and at times when Fierdan doesn't expect them to come. (I refer to Soulless as they/them, so.). And, well, that includes when Fierdan is naked (what's he doing? showering? idk.). So.. well, Soulless wanted to see Fierdan and maybe brush by him when he was like that, at the most vulnerable (there's no clothing to protect your body when you're basically naked) because they love unsettling Fierdan since they live on Fierdan's fears. Oh and then Soulless would casually- more calmly than harshly- mock Fierdan and call him weak due to what his body- without Soulless controlling it by being in his mind- looks like on its own. Because, like, Soulless gives Fierdan and Duke unnatural strength and brutality. So without Soulless, Fierdan's body looks weaker. And of course, the opposite side of Soulless when they're not praising and being kind to Fierdan, is when Soulless is making Fierdan learn even more hatred and is when they're abusing him. Yeah.. f*cking demon bastard. Soulless.. yikes. *shivers*)
Oh and another thing. I know it's been like Fierdan and Duke are basically the same. And I mean, yeah, that's true. But they're also opposites.
Yes. Fierdan and Duke are opposites. In addition to being the same.
Haha, I'm not explaining how in this post. This post is long enough as it is.
Heh, dark themes. Mm, hmm, heck.
I think about Fierdan way too much. A victim but no saint. Oh hmm.
I love my fire boy. I.. umm.. love him.
F*ck. Damn it.
Fierdan... ;-; <3 :/
This character. Ouch.
~ Cutepups :'-)
No comments:
Post a Comment