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Friday, January 5, 2018

oh hmm

Hi there.

(It's 7 am, Cutepups. Shouldn't you be going to school now?)

Well, here's the thing. I don't have school today, too. Yeah wow, got another snow day.

So yeah, here I am now. :)

Anyway, I made this post to be a (lazy) reflection of how I've been.

(?????? yeah idk just go with it).

I'm probably gonna regret how I started this year when it comes to how I've been posting. Oh well lol.

For the past few posts, I've been typing them when I feel very tired. And so, the quality of the posts isn't that great. Dang it, Cutepups, why must you start the new year with bad posts? Pfft.

I'm tired now, too. I'm probably gonna try to go back to sleep after posting this.

I first woke up because of my alarm for school, and then it was difficult for me to fall asleep because I heard loud noises outside my window. But the loud noises are gone for now, so maybe I'll be able to fall asleep again.

Yeah, I'm tired. Heck.

That skit on the previous post was so lazily done. It's so stupid. Geez.

(My skit quality is declining. Help me.)

Hmm.......

I technically do have things I could post that actually do have some quality. It's just that.. well.. I've been too tired whenever I open the create a new post page. Oh and quality posts are longer and require serious effort. So.. uh.. I'll get to posting those good posts soon. I'll try. I will.

(My friend and I are so bitter over our new class project. It's so much work, and it was assigned the day we got back from break. Projects are annoying and a hassle to complete. School makes me even more stressed, sad, and tired. Heck.)

Oh hmm....

I found this old post from last January. It was supposed to be my new year resolutions for 2017. Now I'm gonna check off them to see how much I accomplished in a year.

(Oh woe is me. Oh heck man is hecked. The weather is a wild card. It's windy and cold. It's currently 9 degrees F. In an hour, it'll drop to 8. The low is 2. The low tomorrow is -4. That's hecking cold. My room is always warm, I feel, though? Huh.)

The post lol: http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2017/01/improvement-seeking.html

Well, I was right when I said 2017 would be a difficult year for me. It was. But I bet (and definitely know as a cold, hard fact) that 2018 will also be a (much more) difficult year for me. It just will be. That's how it'll be. Life.. heh.

Anyway, time to check off what I listed in that post! ;')

1. Write more poetry- I did but only at the end of the year really, and they've all shared a theme of pain.
2. Write short stories- never did that. I did write some story chapters, though. 
3. Draw more- I guess I did? I'm not really proud of the art I made in the past year, though. 
4. Develop my OCs more- yeah, check. I've come a long way with it. In 2017, I developed all my main story characters a lot from where I left off the story in 2016. 
5. Draw different things- I drew my characters differently? But other than drawing them, I don't think I really drew anything else. I thought of drawing some fan-art from various shows, but I never did. 
6. Draw in different mediums since I have plenty I rarely use- I just used the same mediums I've always been using at home (pencils, colored pencils, markers, Sharpie). 
7. Be scared of people less- I'm still pretty darn scared of people. I've been thinking a lot more lately that I should seek help for my social anxiety or whatever the heck I actually have. 
8. Talk to people I consider my friends more instead of distancing myself away from them- okay, check. I've gotten a closer to a friend of mine irl in the past year. I've gotten even closer with my online friend/s. Definitely one. I try not to isolate myself from my friends, for the most part. I feel that makes me clingy, though? 
9. Not listen to the negative and destructive voice in my head- it's been very hard to block that negative and destructive voice out. Well, I could block out the destructive one by not actually doing anything physically destructive to myself (no matter how much I wanted to). It's been (and still is) very hard to silence my negative thoughts since they seem the most realistic and rational. Even though they're not. But to some degree, they are realistic and rational, and I know I've been feeling negative like that for a reason. I can't just.. ignore them. The future definitely exists, and I can't exactly reject its existence. 
10. Not be such an irritable jerk to my family- I'm still somewhat of an irritable jerk to them, but I've been trying to not act out as badly irritable as before. Doing that is hard though since I'm honestly always sadly jealous and irritable to some degree. 
11. Think and figure out a basis for what I want to do in college- well, I applied to colleges. I guess that's something? I didn't apply to any "prestigious" schools or anything. Yeah but I'm still not exactly sure what I'll do in college. And in that way, I'm still screwed for the future. Ahh. 
12. Not push people away- I don't think I pushed my friends away? Not as much as I used to, at least? I still push my family away sometimes. Opening up to people that are physically close to me is a whole lot harder than opening up to people online, and I don't know why? 
13. Not invalidate myself- to be honest, I invalidated myself a lot more this past year. It's hard not to. My brain can be such an @ss sometimes, and I hate the way I think about certain stuff. I'm still questioning my identity and the validity of mental health issues I might probably have. But I'm trying to accept them more. I invalidate myself a lot still, unfortunately. 
14. Ask for help if needed- maybe not when it comes to messaging my friends, but out loud and in person? I failed doing that. I probably really need help (for certain things), and I hate being scared of actually talking about those things even though I know I shouldn't be. 
15. Less hate, more love- I feel this way when it comes to my friends. There hasn't been much actual hate in 2017, I feel? I'm not sure if I showed more love in general, though. I kinda feel like I can't show love no matter in what form, and that I don't deserve love. So, that's that. 

And yeah. That was my list from last year. Wow. 

As for this year, I don't know if I have any new year resolutions. I'm still pretty hopeless and unmotivated, and I'm starting to not believe in new year resolutions that much anymore. We all end up breaking them a few weeks after January 1st, anyways. 

But I guess my main resolution is to.. survive. 

Because I know 2018 will be a year that'll try to break and kill me time and time again. 

Gotta survive despite it all. 

That's not really a resolution, but I can't really think of anything better at the top of my head. 

Maybe I'll just refer back to what I said last year. Specifically, numbers 1 and 11 to 15. 

There needs to be more love in this world. There's been too much hate in the past year. 

I still don't have that much emotional stability. My mood changes a bunch of times every day, and it tires me out. 

I'm still tired. It's almost 8 now. 

Hmm ok. Bye.

~ Cutepups <3 







2 comments:

  1. Survivin' seems like a pretty good goal to have! My personal goal is to try and be more open about my thoughts and stuff to my family; I've noticed I'm fairly closed off from anyone except my twin, and even THEN I keep a lot of stuff to myself...

    Also, to do everything within my power to become a decent comic-artist! Probably wont post a whole lot of them, but they should be in my art folder all the same~

    Take care, and hope you feel less tired (or at least get more sleep) sometime in the near future!
    *Meanwhile, tries not to get carried away playing that one video game till 2AM in the morning.*
    *... Again.*

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, well, surviving is something. Still a goal I have though. I should also be more open to other people too; that's another goal I'm hoping to work on accomplishing. Well, I have to stop pushing others away, probably.
      Oh, you have a twin? Huh.. cool.
      Ooh, I like the comics you post! Improving how you create your comics to make yourself become a better, more decent comic artist is a pretty nice goal to have. Good luck with them!

      I've been getting more sleep lately (but that's probably due to my break from school), so I'm not as tired. Still tired- just not as much.
      Ah haha. Good luck with your video game, too. :')

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