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... ok.
-x-x-x-
I haven't made a post where I go ramble and cry about Duke in what seems like forever.
(I abandoned my boy!)
That's why I'm here now. To ramble and cry about our my boy, Duke.
I got some new and organic thoughts about him this weekend.
But unfortunately, I don't have time to write anything story-related. I want to write some new story (yes, from story 1 actually) ideas and Chapter 76, but I'm pretty much busy with writing assignments for college all the time. And I've been doubting my abilities as a writer. Writing is hard. I might write (lol that's ironic, Cutepups) about my feelings toward writing nowadays in that "Distortion" poem I mentioned. I don't even have time to write that, ugh.
Haha no, I don't have time to even be making this post. But I want to. So here I am. Procrastinating on my assignments due tomorrow and Tuesday. (fml)
I have to write something about this poem called "September 1, 1939" by W. H. Auden for my intro to literature class. And as I read it, my brain which is desperate to write things for my personal story project (aka "Twinkle's Story" .. I mean that thing lol) thought about my characters.
And uh, just read these lines from it. (Help, I just want to write beautifully about my tragedy boys..)
"A psychopathic god:
I and the public know
What all schoolchildren learn,
Those to whom evil is done
Do evil in return."
(Auden)
I have to write about an emotion in it, and how it's incorporated in the poem.
And my dumbass brain obsessed with my characters- Fierdan, Ryen, and Duke- thought about them as I read that part of the poem.
The last two lines there. Their names are screaming in my head.
(Just imagine me imagining myself pointing at that part of the poem and shouting, "Just @ my boys, damn it! That's.. that's Fierdan! Fuck! Duke and Ryen! Fuck!!!!" ... and then, "but alas, I can't possibly write about my fucked up characters. Calm thyself.")
You, who is reading this, probably: dude, you're so messed up. just stop.
:) no thanks.
-x-x-x-
I wasn't even paying that much attention to that bad skit I posted nearly a week ago.
"junkie" , "hangover" (which I originally spelled as "hungover" pfft) , "drunkie" ... ok, ok, back up, hold on a sec.
Did I write that Duke was pretending to be high or drunk? They're different things. I, I'm confused. What are you, Duke?
And what were the others smelling? There was no scent, right? How.. how did you do that, Duke?
Duke: *enters skit scene being high and smelling like nicotine*
Fauna?: ... hangover ...
Duke: *is woke* Oops sorry, I am not high. *somehow does not smell like nicotine anymore*
Brock: *is confused because he was secretly imagining Duke to smell like weed*
Duke: *wants to validate Brock, idfk* I'm, I'm actually drunkie.
*wheezes* what the actual fuck is this?
And what was Fierdan even doing? Did he think Duke was pretending to be high or drunk? They're different, I know!
Don't you two know the difference from your own personal experiences? You two (in Cutepups the creator's version of canon) definitely got drunk. Duke and Fierdan, you've drank lots of alcohol. And you don't know what being drunk means?
Wh- What!?!
Viewers: wait what, they--?!
Me: yep
Not sure if I said it before or not. But story Duke is canonically drunkie. Brock's headcanon is true.
But yeah. He consumed alcohol many times.
Oh and Fierdan too of course. Haha, of course he did. Who do you think he is? It's Fierdan (the fuck!)!
Ryen too, honestly.
Ok, next train of thought.
-x-x-x-
(I'm talking about in story, obviously.)
Duke has memory problems. So does Dawn, but I'm just going to focus on Duke now.
And, kinda spoiler-ish, it's not just because of Duke's memories connecting him to Fierdan being wiped. In other words, Duke didn't only forget his memories of being Fierdan's "reincarnation" before knowing the truth that he's not actually a reincarnation but a creation. Unlike those Fierdan memories, the other memories he had forgotten were Duke protecting himself.
Ok and, like, Duke getting the memories back is so painful. Holy shit.
If you're wondering why I'm doing this it's because having some of Duke's own old memories erased from his conscious mind actually makes the story make more sense.
It might fill in a few plot holes. Especially since the story is in the characters' POVs, what Duke thinks and says and etc. it's from his perspective. And so, it doesn't have to be 100% accurate.
I'm referring to Duke's childhood flashbacks, which are obviously only mentioned in his POV in the chapters.
What he believes to have happened isn't exactly what happened. Some memories of his got erased completely, or he formed alternate (alternative? what's the word) memories which reassured him that those situations he was in weren't as bad as they actually were.
And Duke somehow gets all the real childhood memories he erased or altered after spending a few days alone with Taurel torturing him.
And then Duke is all like, "Did you and Risak seriously think you are capable of killing me? I've survived a lot of fucked up shit, so you've got to try a lot harder if you want to see me dead."
Ok but, Duke just can't die. He's that strong. He's unstoppable. Wtf, I love him.
-x-x-x-
I kinda visualize Duke having a vaguely feminine-looking face and his long-ish hair isn't helping. But when Duke loses all his hair after Taurel cuts it and shaves his head, and after Duke becomes actually pretty fucking scary, he can't be mistaken as being feminine compared to other male characters his age.
Like when Duke attacks Taurel (which is very violent btw), he looks like a fucked up grown ass man. Duke ain't no boy anymore. Duke is my man, thanks for coming to my TED talk.
Hhhhhhffgh. Damn.
-x-x-x-
That flashback where little kid Duke cut into his chest. And how he only stopped when a red outline of blood was around the flame design on the left side of his chest. And how he "said" no one knew what he did.
Yeah, I'm considering the fact that.. yeah, Duke was lying.
Possibly. I don't know for sure.
I just think it to be too suspicious that no one noticed Duke's white shirt having blood on it. And the smell of blood in the bathroom. Surely, someone had to smell some blood. Right?
Maybe no one went up to Duke and directly asked him about what he did, but they had to notice something was off about him.
Like ok. Duke didn't know himself that he was willing to do anything to get rid of the flame mark on his chest that he could have easily killed himself. He was so desperate to get rid of it that he wasn't aware of how close he was to killing himself then.
And no one noticed? No one went to the bathroom after Duke? No one was willing to talk with him afterwards? No one wanted to know what he thought, his perspective of what happened? Seriously?
That's just what Duke thought. That doesn't mean no one reached out to him. Like idk, *in a wary and apprehensive voice* "Uh, Duke, are you okay? Do you want to tell me what happened?" or something.
Like geez ok, a child could have just killed himself in your bathroom, and you're not going to try and approach him? And ask what's wrong? Or at least want to know why he attacked those kids a few years older than him? Why he caused one of them to nearly drown? Why he freaked out and lashed out after people possibly saw the flame mark covering his heart?
His mental state isn't healthy, you people! You can't possibly be that scared of seeing a literal child. Who is already a lot smaller than anyone else there. And is weak because hey, he lost some amount of blood.
Those cousins or whoever they are, come on now!
Someone had to say something. Duke probably wasn't looking at them and either refused to say anything or said no.
... yeah uh what.
-x-x-x-
(This one isn't about Duke. It's about Fierdan.)
I can imagine Z being upset and thinking it's pitiful that Pre-Fierdan isn't tough and strong like he and his brother are. And Z constantly insults Pre-Fierdan (now I'll just use Danny instead) the few times they see each other. Z making derogatory comments on Danny's interests, personality, and even his body.
And basically, Z is upset at Danny for being like a girl. And it's.. mean.
And only when Z sees Danny after his voice drops and he has muscle and is only dressed in black (aka Danny/Pre-Fierdan is Fierdan) does he notice that hey, Daniel (what Z refers to Fierdan as) is a male. He's not a girl. And then Z is like, "I'm proud of you, my son." Only after Fierdan grew older and doesn't have the privilege to go back and have fun with things that are enjoyable and not violent.
-x-x-x-
Just.. god. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Everything hurts.
College sucks. I'm so tired. I hate bullshitting everything because I don't know how to not bullshit these fucking essays.
I call myself a writer, but I can't even properly write. What kind of writer is that? A writer who can't write sure is ironic. But I guess that's me.
And it's not, "oh it's just because you're stuck on a topic!" or "it's just because you're not interested in writing things you are required to do as class assignments" ok no. I can't write.. well. I don't even know when my writing skills all just plummeted and turned to dust. Is that just a thing that comes with age?
I have an essay draft due tomorrow that I'm nowhere near finished with. I don't even know if my professor even thinks my topic is good enough.. I just don't know anything, I'm tired of being stupid, I'm just so done with everything.
Everything I write sounds poorly worded and phrased. It all seems so.. so awkward. Like it's bullshit.
This definitely includes whatever I type on here. It's all bad. It's all bullshit.
I'm a writer? Yeah right.
(I'm really not.)
I don't deserve to be called one. Just because I have tons of ideas for my own story doesn't make me a writer. I know I'm not good enough to be one.
I'm exhausted. Life is draining. Life is stressful.
It hurts all over. Nothing can ease the pain. I tried.
Sorry, I got sad. Have a good week. I don't know if I will.
Bye! <3
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