ahh oops :]

Well, it's more like 12 hours since my last post. It's no longer the morning. 

Anyway.........

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I'm so pissed. 

I got woken up around 3:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep till after 5. 

Never mind what I said last post. My roommate's not staying this weekend. Haha, boy was I wrong! :'} 

I LOVE being a very light sleeper. I LOVE how the slightest noise louder than getting a phone message while my phone is on vibrate can wake me up just like that. I LOVE hearing people party outside at 4 am in addition to being woken up by the noises my roommate was making, which makes it even harder for me to fall back asleep. I LOVE how I thought it would be okay if I didn't wear my earplugs to bed when I really fucking needed them this time. 

(me: drips sweat like bitter sarcasm)

I LOVE being ignored. I LOVE when nobody in my life cares when I tell them something. I LOVE never being replied to during a "conversation". I REALLY FUCKING LOVE BEING IGNORED. 

I LOVE caring about others far more than they care about me. I LOVE how my own family won't reply back to me and how they don't help for shit. 

I LOVE being the dumbest one at college. I LOVE how I try so hard but that doesn't matter because my grades are or will go to shit, and grades are everything and I'm worthless because my grades suck or will suck soon. I LOVE how I'm the oldest one out of them, but I know I act like a fucking baby and they all take pity on me. 

I LOVE being stressed every single day. I LOVE how in college, you can never be alone and by yourself because there's people everywhere. I LOVE seeing lights and hearing noises every hour of the day. I LOVE how everyone thinks I'm pitiful and is being fake nice with me. 

I LOVE how people think I'm okay and functioning and that everything is fine and dandy.. but it's really fucking not. 

I LOVE being a burden. I LOVE how I'm wasting my parents' money by even being here when I know I don't deserve it. 

I LOVE never being good enough for anything. I LOVE not being good at anything. I LOVE being talentless. 

I LOVE feeling like a fake in my words and my actions. I LOVE that feeling when I feel like I'm viewing my body in third person. I LOVE when I feel like this body isn't mine. I LOVE how I will never be me, how there will always be that disconnect. 

..... I might explain more via shitty sad poetry.