messy thoughts

Hey. ,,,,,,,,,,,

I keep on telling myself that I would post a new skit, but I never did. And now it's too late.

I can always try again tomorrow.

Anyway, I'm just gonna type about my messy thoughts. A writing mess. Yeah that.

This morning was eventful. I didn't have a full day of school. That was nice. But I did a lot of driving. I got lost sometimes. Ha.. 

Driving makes me so anxious. :( 

I don't feel too terrible right now, so I decided to start this post. Maybe I'll make a few other poems soon. I'm in a poetic mood this week. And then I can get negatively emotional in my poetry. Yeah..

When I lie in my bed and wait until my body lets me fall asleep, I keep on playing scenarios of me.. coming out to my family and my one real life friend. And.. I don't know. It makes it hard to sleep soundly. Saying I'm scared is an underestimate.

10/10- mental health day. 10/11- coming out day. Huh.. yeah.. true.

When I say "coming out" here, I mean sexuality/gender stuff as well as mental health/illness stuff. Uh.. yeah.

For the mental half, I mean like I keep on replaying scenarios of me having a severe breakdown and finally not putting it lightly aside that I'm struggling and need help. Imagining me like that scares me so much, and even more since I see that as a realistic possibility. Being at that low of a point.. it scares me.

I don't feel that bad right now, so I can't really explain it that well probably. But like... in these scenarios (is that the right word?) I'm struggling not to collapse on the hard floor and it feels like I haven't cried that much ever in my life (and I'm a crier) and my voice is loud yet my throat feels raw (which reminds me of Duke,, haha,,,,). Oh and I'm there seriously thinking of killing myself (like at the point with a plan.. uhh.. heck).

I don't know how many nights it's been like this. I'm sick of reliving this nightmare. It's like every other night. If not every. I forgot.

Well ok then, Cutepups. Geez. 

Yeah.. ah.. :'-) 

Now for that other half. So.. umm......

For a few years now, I've based a large part of my identity and personality (eww why @me) around identifying myself as asexual. And for a little over a year, I added on aromantic.

Since I view both things as being a big part of who I am, it would make sense to mention this to someone in person, right? Even more since I live in a fairly liberal area (how lucky). But I still haven't. I don't even know why anymore. Am I just that much of a coward? Ugh.

I always feel confused and disconnected when people irl talk to or about me as if I'm a straight girl. 

(What if this is all just a phase? I mean it's been at least 3 years, if not more than that. What if I'm just overthinking things? Oh and for that other thing, it's been for several months- a year or not idk. I get intruding thoughts (intrusive) that say that all of those things aren't legitimate and are all phases when they obviously aren't. I know those thoughts are bad, okay? I identify myself in those ways now. But I find myself constantly validating and invalidating those things even though it's probably not my place to do so. Just.. I want my brain to just stop sometimes. You know that feel? Relatable? I don't know.)

So then what's the third thing, Cutepups?   

Well, I've kinda.. uh, constantly.. been questioning my.. uh.. gender identity. Yeah uh.. idk lol. 

I'm tired and annoyed at myself. I don't know.. ugh.. hmm..... 

I mean it's fine and possible to be nonbinary and still identity with she/her or he/him. In real life (so outside of the internet basically), I most likely will always go with and be called with she/her/hers and just plain female. That's easy and I always pick the easiest option.. hahaa.

But I really do like how they/their/them (especially "their", "they" very slightly less, "them" a little less than that) sounds when referring to me. 

I'll probably always connect myself to femininity at least partially. But for a while now, I've felt so disconnected from being that fully. I've also been trying to view myself as fully female, but I feel like I'm separate from other girls and women. And it's not solely because I don't do all those highly stereotypically feminine stuff on a daily basis. Probably the biggest reason why I've been questioning is because I feel so disconnected from other girls and women and how they think about certain body parts, and I'm thinking nothing like that. I don't feel much love and connection between my mind with its thoughts and my biologically female body parts. I don't want them lmao. 

One time that I can appreciate the body part on the upper half is when I'm wearing dresses. And yeah, I still like wearing dresses. I like dresses and skirts. But all other times, then I feel like that body part is such a burden. I dislike it. I didn't want this. I wonder what I'll look like in a suit sometimes, too. Yeah tbh.

Maybe.. just maybe.. a reason I write about my male characters more and draw them more is because I'm interested in that more. I want that- maybe? yeah? no? maybe? 

I can't see myself ever losing all of my femininity though. I'll probably always feel attached to it. Sometimes the attachment is a lot stronger than at other times. 

I'll just say I'm nonbinary/nonbinary girl in my head. And now it's out and typed. But I don't think I'll ever be more than girl for the people irl and not only online. I fear that'll make me seem like a fake. Geez.. I don't know myself anymore. I want to apologize, but for what? 

There.. it's coming out day. Here's a post. Confessions. Coming out..? Kind of? Barely? Barely is a something and not a nothing.

So there.

Both of my feet fell asleep, and I should too. 

Bye. ^-^"

~ Cutepups