Ok so here's the thing.
I haven't been thinking of any new skit ideas I could post. So I kinda doubt I'll make any skits for this week.
I think I'll just type up some more posts like that other one I made today.
Yeah.. uh...
In an odd way, I find so much comfort in Duke nowadays. And that must be silly. Because it's him. But like, I do.
I'm impulsive, too. I'm on edge, too. I also think I'm losing it. I feel like I end up hurting the few people I'm close with intentionally and unintentionally. And I've been trying to write in a more artistic or poetic way that I want to die more than ever.
I constantly see things on positivity sites that say grades don't define you. But like.. it does. It defines your future.
When I say I'm stupid or I'm a fool, I'm not exaggerating and seeking attention or pity or whatever. It's the truth. And the worst part is, I can't even bother to motivate myself to care that much. I ruined myself, and I don't even care. I'm not even motivated to recover.
The only thing I see myself as in college is this: I feel so miserable, I become a shy and socially awkward outcast because starting new things and talking to new people give me anxiety, and I'll become even more paranoid that everyone hates me and would be better off without me being anywhere.
I freaking can't see myself as happy. I'm not happy now, and I won't be happy then probably. So what is there to look forward to? Heh, nothing.
The only thing I'm looking forward to right now is Stranger Things season 2. That's honestly it. I have nothing else to look forward to that will make me happy. Wow, a show. Watch it in 2 days, and then you'll have nothing left, Cutepups. Great job.
I don't think I can go a day without thinking of myself wanting to die. But hey lmao, life is good, right? I don't think I've ever felt this overwhelmed and had this much pressure before.
Damn it, I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
Oh and I'm frustrated because of this other thing. Well, there's a lot of things- here's only one.
My family (especially my dad) tells me that if I need help with anything, I can go to them with the said assignment or whatever and ask for help.
Well anyway, I did just that a few hours ago. (Way to go, Cutepups. Asking for help is a good thing.)
Yeah but haha, wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
They ended up condemning me for going up to them for help. Haha, sorry about that. Don't freaking lie to me then.
"Is it supposed to be done by now? Why are you still working on it? It's supposed to be perfect by now."
Ugh ok thanks a lot. :))))
Honestly, I know this will make me sound like an @sshole, but...
Reading messages from my friend that say stuff like "I want to kill myself" piss me off so much.
Fvck you, Cutepups. You don't know what's going on internally with said friend.
........................ I don't know why I'm this way. Maybe it's because I'm paranoid of what my friends tell me because what they text me and what their actions are irl don't really match up. Maybe I'm so cold and irritable irl because people lost my trust so I can't handle opening up about myself. Maybe I have trust issues. Wait no. I know I do. And nothing can change that. I try so damn hard to not let it show that people have hurt me, but they still freaking did. I'm still hurt over those things. I still have trust issues over you people for what happened. I know you people (irl, online) said you care about me, but it clearly doesn't look that way. Especially towards people irl. I bet they actually don't lmao. ........ Maybe it's because I don't trust their words that say "I want to kill myself" because I've been having suicidal ideation (thoughts? idk how to word sh!t, I'm sorry) for so long which makes me think that whoever I'm close to that tells me stuff like that must be lying and saying it as a joke.
I don't want to reread this. I'm sorry. If I do anything, I doubt anyone will honestly care in time. Dying.. seems so easy. Like I could just die anytime. Huh wow.
The other day when I was driving (with my friend too, haha I suck) I could have been in a car crash twice. Lmao hey I suck and should die, yo whaddup. Yeah man, I hate driving and I'm seen as a weirdo for that. Great. Fantastic.
Another way to die. Oh mm. Crashing the car. But I won't do it on purpose despite how much I want to sometimes. Cars are expensive, you know.
(What's with all the death talk, Cutepups?)
Oh are you concerned? :-)
(No, go fvck yourself.)
: )
Haha, why don't I give myself a fvcking reward if I don't end up attempting to kill myself before 2017 is over? :^)
I have two classes that have some freshmen in it. And in both classes, they're better at me at the assignments in the said classes. Woo, my self-esteem is non-existent.
Oh and I can't even draw anymore. Great. Fun. Fantastic. Fvcking kill me please.
I hate myself and my art so much. My art is getting worse. My poetry is getting worse. I'm getting worse.
Oh and it also pisses me off to no end whenever I hear or read things that say "I have no friends".. umm, stfu. Shut the fvck up.
Everyone I see or hear say that is a bunch of goddamn liars.
I don't trust anybody but myself now. I can't even bother with other people's bs.
I literally am an outcast at my school. I have only one friend irl now. If she even is my friend- which she probably is, to be honest. But other than that, I am alone and have nobody.
And the other two who I call my best friends (lol true that) are my internet friends who live very far away from me. So that's that.
It's lonely having no friends I can truthfully confide in. It's lonely having just about no one there for you. It freaking sucks.
And I can't even properly socialize at all anymore, so that loses my chances of gaining any new friends irl.
Only having supportive friends online is painful. Being a loner irl hurts.
Having no classmates that actually care about me is quite painful. Ha, haa.
I'm just so done and tired of everything. Ugh, I'm sorry if you read all this crap.
A ranty vent. That's what this is.
Well, humor doesn't always work effectively.
And if I ask for help, they won't help me. Or they will only give me fake help.
People seem fake. People lie.
I'm also a person, so I guess those terms apply to me as well.
I've been listening to music by NF a lot recently. Listening to music is probably the only thing I'll never get sick of and will always enjoy doing.
Well, I had a dream the other night. It was about how the songs I were listening to were bad because the singers were bad people. So in this dream, I felt guilty for listening to the songs I enjoyed listening to. And no, they actually aren't bad people.. I think.
Music is probably the only thing that'll always make me happy no matter what. Well, not happy happy. Just.. better.
Can't escape this hell of the living. Thanks so much, Hell Brain.
Bye for now.
~ Cutepups
. . . . . . . .
I'm sorry. Bye.
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