Clarification Shiz

Hey guys. First off, sorry if I seem annoyed in this post. (*cough* crappy phone camera, irl drama with friends *cough*) yeah...

So anyway, I've been trying for the past few days to, you know, think more positive things. And just be happy.

Yeah, doing that does help me to feel better. But, actually, it's hard. To, you know, always think about the positive side of things.

I wasn't lying. I still mess up. I still stress out about things that aren't that much of a deal. I still can't help feeling anxious that I mess up everything I do. I hate knowing that I never know what to say- to anyone.

I feel lonely and awkward when I'm alone and away from other people. I feel stupid and awkward when I'm around other people. No matter what, I feel awkward. Socially awkward, to be more specific.

It's so freaking annoying when you know you can't decently socialize with anyone (and I mean anyone)! It's hard to ignore the fact that so many people (including friends or whatever) laugh and make jokes about how awkward and quiet you are! It's hard to ignore the fact that you stutter whenever you talk! It's hard to ignore the fact that you're public speaking to members of Congress on Monday and feeling really anxious about doing that even though you haven't went through all the committees and wrote the speech yet!

Guys, avoiding looking in their eyes doesn't help solve much. The thing is, I constantly fear I'm gonna make a mistake, or stutter, whenever I'm publicly presenting. And having to do this in a professional manner in front of some US senators and other members of Congress.. the thought unsettles me. And add the fact that literally everyone else in this group program thing is loud and outgoing and such extroverts while I'm the opposite of all that.. it sucks.

Wait, no. It's not a fear of messing up. I know for a fact I mess up. It's so much easier to think about all the negative things than the positive ones. I know what the positives are, but I don't know if they're just pretending to tolerate me. I'm as quiet and boring as a white wall. I know what the negative ones are as well, by the way.

Oh and no. I can't just go out and explain why I feel like this. I can't freaking talk casually without stressing out in my head on how awkward I must be (anxietyyy).

I feel like I can only be real with you guys. You friendly strangers across the internet, across the world. Just venting and posting this online makes me feel more real than with anyone I speak with irl. Because I can't put into words what I'm exactly feeling.

I'm nothing. Good night. <3