....

I'm tired. Busy schoolweek.

If I don't reply to your comments, don't think I'm ignoring you. I read what you comment. It's just that I can't really think of anything to say as a response. Something that's more than just an "okay". Because you deserve better. But I'm at a loss of words for what to say.

I love how people compliment and appreciate my artwork (drawings and writings), even though I repeatedly tell them they suck. Really boosts my confidence hearing that from my friend in class today. She's a great friend.

I love how I have people in my life that remind myself that I have some hope and talent. They remind me that I under-appreciate and downgrade myself. Heck, my self-esteem and self-confidence aren't all too good. Pretty bad, actually. But hearing that I'm worth something, it really does mean a lot to me.

Not saying that you guys on the internet have no affect on me. You guys do. It's just different and closer and just more meaningful hearing those words from those you care so much about in real life.

To be honest, I'm beginning to feel uneasy here. In real life, it's so much more simpler. Online, it's a different story. No matter what I say, I think I dramatize it too much. My feelings, what I say about them, I feel like part of me is lying to you. I don't know if thinking like that is actually making things worse, my mind worse. I don't know what I feel, to tell you the truth. Like I said, I'm nothing. I'm just pathetic old me.

When I say don't feel sorry for me, I kinda still want you to. I'm sorry I can't let you guys realize that I want your comforting messages but not your pity. Just don't waste your time on pathetic old me. Please.

I'm fine, I'm not fine.. heck, I don't even know anymore. So of course neither can you. I can't help feeling this way. About all of this.

You won't ever understand me. Stop trying already. There's no point in trying. Stop assuming you know how I feel. Because you don't. Sometimes I have bad days. And I post. And guess what? I don't feel any better after reading your understanding sympathy. It makes me feel worse and more guilty.

I mainly wrote that post yesterday because I'm guilty over all these lies I've been giving you. I regret them. It's a circle of misery.

Screw any typos here. It's late, I'm tired and frustrated, and I just don't care anymore.

Being on here just isn't fun like it used to. Every time I post nowadays, I'm just forcing me to. Same with replying with comments. Commenting in general. Here, those other sites you know me on, everywhere. It isn't you, it's me. Some days, just going online and seeing you left a comment for me, it tires me out. I don't hate you. It's just tiring.

Everything's tiring, to be honest. Every other day, I come home from school just wanting to sleep. With my cats, with my dog.

There's something wrong with me. Yeah, I know that. Can't you tell from my posts how damaged I am inside? Can't you tell I'm impossible to read, to get to know? Can't you tell from my constantly changing thoughts and feelings about myself? Of course there's something wrong.

A few weeks ago, I honestly thought I chose to feel like this. That I was lying about things. Now maybe I'm not. I'm not exaggerating anymore. During bad times, I feel like it. Maybe that's why I was exaggerating before. I can't help feeling this way that's confusing as heck. I'm okay. At the same time, I'm not okay. And vice versa.

Screw this freaking post. Just some crap.

Screw this. I can barely take it anymore. I know you're all tired of this. I've been exhausted way longer. I know I sound like a cry baby in these posts. I know all of this. Way before you ever did.

Screw this, I'm out.

~ Cutepups