More proof that true time doesn't exist.
...
This is yet another inconsistent post. So what does annoying as heck Cutepups have for you viewers today?
Hmm...
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College Stuff
So today I spent the morning and afternoon visiting a college university. Got information about the arts college there. The humanities college too (for the english- writing- majors). Got bunch of papers and a bag. Went on tours too. Learned stuff. Yep.
Ask Page
I finally updated the Ask Cutepups page. By that I mean the words I typed on that page before the comments.
Animal Jam
I went on AJ again. Three days on AJ in a row. That's a 2016 record for me.
Found a bottle in Crystal Sands for once.
The cute thing sent this letter in the bottle. They're locked up somewhere, and yet they managed to bring along a gift. Wow.
This is the gift.
This is the Lava Table in my den. It's a pretty big table. The yellow gears mat is the gift I got after I completed the Hidden Falls Adventure. So that's what both items look like in a den. Now you know.
I also found out about this suspicious pinata item in AJHQ's Pixel Place den on the Epic Dens list. *cough* found out from better blogs like the AJW and the AJLP *cough*
Precious stares intensely at the pinata. Look how suspicious it is.
The pinata is the only item sold. It's members only, oh why. Such agony. It's suspicious alright. Sold at a hidden store called ???. What kind of name is ???, AJ explain.
That's it for AJ from Cutepups the Blue Fool.
Does Bruno Mars Danny is Gay???
Hahahahahaha ok I'm still laughing and crying. I was looking at my January posts (much death, suicide said.. still makes me want to die, mm). This pup was so not okay those few months ago. Lol :^).
But apart from how I pretty much roasted myself and Twinkle's Story at long last in the previous post, I found this amazing post.
I'll copy and paste the part I want.
:")
Um.. I was daydreaming in a boring class (actually all classes are boring lol) the other day. So it was about Soulless being a physical person. And it was like on Danny's birthday. So Soulless is like, "Happy birthday, baby." And Danny runs into the wall. And he's like "oh crap". And then Soulless is all like, "I missed you, honey. Did you miss me?" And Danny's thinking all like, "wtf no you perv" (don't ask why). And then Dylan walks over and is all like, "Haha, you're such a loser nerd, Danny senpai." Since only Danny can see the demons (Soulless), they all think he's having a flashback from his hell life or something.
And then his brother who I still don't have an official name for yet comes over to him, and he's all like, "Dear, dear bro, it's all gonna be okay, bro." And then Danny looks up at his brother suddenly with this smile on his face and says, "I wanna f***ing die." (bleeps and all c;). And brother is all like surprised. And Danny's all like, "Are you kidding me? You never heard me in the middle of the night? Wow, well, um--"
But he's interrupted by Soulless suddenly kissing him. So Danny has this disgusted/petrified look on his face, but since no one else can physically see Soulless, they think he's even more weird. And then Soulless is all like, "I know you want me to come back inside of you, don't you baby?" And Danny's all like, "wtf ew no you perv go away."
But then Dylan pushes brother out of the day, goes up to Danny, pushing Soulless out of the way without realizing it and is like, "Yo, if there's some imaginary perv in your very strange head of yours, I'll kill them for you." And Danny's looking at him like "wtf are you saying". And Dylan's all like, "I love you, man."
Then Danny runs away from him because Dylan wants to kiss Danny too. (Where are the female characters during this? Maybe it's in the male dormitory.. I don't even know.).
Some parts sound so wrong, oh my god. I'm crying. This. I dreamed this. It's so gay. And I somewhat tried to deny that in the comments? God damn, me, what was with you last winter? First, Soulless is flirting with Danny. Then kisses him. But that's not all. Towards the end, Dylan suddenly starts being gay for Danny too. I bet this was the time I was trying to prove Danny's bi. But the other characters are flirting with him. I'm so confused, the heck.
*snorts* What the hell was with me.
I don't know lol
Can I just say this?
I'm so thankful to have no Trump supporters in my family. I know quite a few cool nice kids who have parents and grandparents who are Trump supporters and they feel trapped. And they can't speak up with what they want to say. I feel so sorry for all the kids out there in that position.
But like. It just makes me. You know. Feel guilty. Like. You know. Just a lousy attention seeker. What do I have to be so sad about? Life is good. I know so many people out there who are in far, far worse situations than I can even imagine being in myself.
And yet. I dare be so self-centered. I don't care much about important things in my life as much as I should. I purposefully made my grades drop. I don't care if I fail. At least not as much as I should. People online and in my grade at school feel like their lives are broken when they get a C or lower on a quiz or test; B or lower as a Marking Period grade.
I can't help but not care about my life as much as I should. I gave up on trying. It's so hard for me to comprehend that I'm starting to plan my life out after high school. Planning for college. It's hard to explain. But it's like. Wow, I've lived for this long?? I'm still alive?? I'm not dead?? I have to actually think about my future because I'll be living one?? This is actually me?? It's hard to comprehend. It's messed up. I know. It's messed up having a part of my mind that's been stuck with me for who knows how many years now saying I won't make it past 18. I won't pass life as an adult. And it's like. Of course I'll become an adult one day?? I just have to accept that. That's how it is, right?? I know I have people, animals, and things to live for. I know there's a reason I exist. Sure, I don't know my purpose in life yet. Sure, I have no true-to-the-core talents. Sure, I lack good communication skills, and suck at showing empathy and the correct emotion in certain given social situations (socially inept, aahh). Sure, I hurt people's feelings and push everyone away. Sure, I'm generally a pretty bad person. But there's part of me that grows more and more hopeless in myself as time passes. And it's like. What the hell? Why? There's no logical reason for this. It's so easy to invalidate my struggles (are they really though?) every day. Which makes me hate myself even more. It's a cycle of guilt. I'm really just a liar, right? I'm just hurting people both irl and online now. Yeah right, like there's something wrong with me. I just have the worst main personality out there. I'm just the worst. That's it. I have no personality that I have slight variations of one depending on the people I'm with. Being my own person and make my own decisions?? Huh?? My mood can change a number of times in the course of an hour. What am I feeling right now? I don't know. After I say anything and send it out, I immediately start thinking of anything that could go wrong. I regret my actions a lot. Rejection and criticism can mess me up for days at least if I'm lucky. I start assuming the worst when someone doesn't answer what I've sent them in the next few minutes. Yet there I am feeling relieved when I don't get more messages that I get pressured about answering. I want attention, but at the same time I don't. I don't know. I get tired easily. I skip meals sometimes. I don't care about grades or much of anything that much anymore. What the hell is with me destroying myself? What the hell. Laughing at myself in disbelief that I'll become an adult in 2 (only 2- oh god-) years. And it's like. Of course I'm going to become an adult? Of course I am? That's life. I get irrational thoughts about death. But I know better than act on them. It's not like I'm going to actually go and. Kill myself. I'm not going to die soon. I'm going to go to college soon. Grow up, be an adult. That's reality. Harsh reality but that's how it is. It's hard for me to process that still.
Getting wrapped around those stupid irrational death thoughts that I incorporate them in a story and poems. Creepily specific in that story. Ways to die.
Wh--
I'm lucky for the life I have. I have a good life. My mind's just messing with me. That's all there is to it. Life is worth it. There's no reason for me to die due to my own accord.
Feeling the way I do is selfish. I don't deserve to be this way. But to change that? How?? On my own?? Yeah right.
And my parents and grandparents aren't bigots (racists, homophobes, etc.) like I know so many people's parents are. They're accepting. So why do I hate life? Why...
Why am I the way I am? Why can't I just be different?
Why...
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Oh and my dad told the writing professor we talked to alone that I run a blog.
Hahahahahahahahaha.
He thinks I can write good because I have a blog.
But if he would actually check and read my blog how it is now, I don't know how I can live.
Because this isn't even a real blog.
It's just an online journal where I post what happened throughout my day. This blog is just me typing about what goes on in my head.
It's messed up so badly.
This isn't writing.
This is just thought dumps. Usually about how my brain is kinda messed up.
If he discovers this blog for what it is now, then in a way I would have died.
...
<3 <3
worrying and regretting starts
now.
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