ahh keeping it real

Um. Hi. Don't know what to title my posts anymore. Keeping it real here. Real personal. Mm fun.

So. First off, it's Sunday night. Very tragic. School is tomorrow. Unfortunate.

About school, I feel very.. bad about it. Very bad. No, that's not good. It's bad.

Every time I slept this weekend (well, at home in my bed, not in the car since I sleep in cars a lot nowadays) I would get these variations of these nightmares about school. Dreams reveal your subconscious thoughts, huh? Guess mine are about school and guilt. Guess I'm not lying after all, haha kill me.

They're about classes. And teachers. And classwork. All those serious school things.

It felt good waking up from these dreams, I can tell you that.

I had this project due last class. And I still didn't finish it and turn it in. Did it again. I'm so frustrated at myself. I know not doing projects make my grades drop, but I just can't make myself complete them all the way.

It's like. What's the point in doing it if you know your project isn't going to be perfect? Everyone's better than you anyway, Cutepups.

At this point, I don't even know if it's just laziness. It's like I'm just getting worse and worse. Heck help the heck up (me).

Concentration is much harder to do than before. It can take me hours to finish the simplest homework assignment. I hate myself, man, why am I like this.

Also. Moodswings. Those are ridiculous. Ok, ridiculous. Can't stand this. Is it teenage hormones or is my mental health actually getting worse? Or is it both? Who knows.

It's pretty scary. Even more so when no one says anything. Like one minute I could be happy and laughing, and the next I could be on the verge of crying sadly. Or I could be energetic (by that I mean walking around) and then too tired to even stay awake.

Just, like, why. Why is my mental stability so fragile? Why am I so weak? Ugh, I hate this.

Is what I'm saying relatable? Tell me if you want.

Anyway, I'm so annoyed at my mom sometimes. Like ok, I could be laughing at a video I'm watching on my phone in the same room as her. Or I could just be in the next room over. And she just looks at me strangely and asks, "Are you okay?" and it's just. So awkward.

Am I okay? I don't know. I'm here. I'm alive. What else do you want from me?

Eh, at least that's being protective. Eh, I guess? Eh, I don't know. Eh.

And yet she repeatedly dismisses  (social) anxiety and avoidance for shyness. That bugs me. Like ok. I understand when I'm being shy, but I also understand when I'm being anxious. There is a line between the two.

We were talking about this girl in a book with an anxiety disorder. And she tells me something like, "That girl reminds me of you. You're shy too. Open up more, S_______, go hang out with friends."

Why say that though.

Haha, I'm ranting again. Briefly.

*is undecided on what to do with my hands- finger guns or thumbs up or peace sign- what am I doing*

Back over the summer, I went to the doctor's. Blahblahblah check-up things. Filled out this mental health form. I wasn't feeling bad then, so my responses might have been affected by that. So anyway, the doctor looks over the form. Says I probably have depression. Kinda valid, kinda not. Kinda both. Got told to get Kombucha and vitamins (especially B). Yeah, did that. But, ok this is making me paranoid. I don't know if what I heard was made up, or if my mom just never paid attention to what she said. So like. I don't know. So the doctor says for me to go back before school starts for there to be more time to talk about depression. To be sure. To start treatment in ways such as therapy or medication. Yeah, here's the thing. That never happened. Never did any of that second meeting to talk strictly about depression and myself. Like, was I just making things up? My mom (she brought me to the doctor's) never brought up that conversation with me ever again. Did it just fly right past her? I don't know. Life could be so different. But no. Same place. And then a few weeks later, my dad basically goes and threatens me that how I'm living my life is making me purposefully cause myself to have depression. Gee thanks. Does that doctor conversation ever come up? Nope. Ok, ok. I guess this is partially my fault. But still.

Yeah.. heh.

I thought I was fine on my own for so long. But then that totally shattered. And then realizing all those symptoms. For the depressed, for the suicidal. And it's like. Wow, they're more relatable than I thought. Geez man. I've been looking at a lot of mental health websites and videos this weekend. Makes me wonder if I actually started to show symptoms two or more years ago. Not as many as now though. Awareness, huh. Oh boy.

Ok, well then. On a more happier subject matter, I made my hair become natural again. I like this so much. It's way shorter now. Haha, curls. Yeah. It feels pretty nice.

Taking a shower is so therapeutic. Makes me feel so much better. Such a good feeling. Makes me less sick and achey. So nice.

Haha, I like playing with my hair so sometimes I kinda look like a boy. I find that fun. Heh heck. It's easier to do now.

I'll end this post now. Bye, hope school doesn't make me want to die.

That's unrealistic.

Oops.