well here's something

Might go off and discuss sensitive topics. Or maybe in a different post. Who knows. I'm in a rush again.

- - - -

Ah. Hi guys. I didn't post for a few days even though I didn't have school.

Well. Here's a post. Sure, why not.

Thanksgiving passed; Black Friday passed. Hope you guys had good ones. Hope you're alright.

Despite everything, mine was pretty good. Having good times with my family. We're all together. It was good.

My siblings are leaving today or tomorrow though. Eh, nothing lasts forever. Am I right.

However. One reason out of I don't know how many why I didn't post is because I feel uncomfortable looking over older posts I made this week. Not necessarily the chapters, but the posts following that.

Yeah, er, sorry about that.

I'm thinking of quitting this blog some time in 2017 if not earlier. It's about time I moved on, right.

Haha, I totally understand now when I hear people looking over their past selves as being like a totally different person. It's so true though. It's so weird reading my old posts where I kept on using cringe words and emoticons (anyone remember swag/sweg, yas, XD, X3, >:U, :V, O.O, etc.). Geez, that was embarrassing, huh. Guess that means I've matured at least a little bit.

And yeah. Maybe I am growing out of Twinkle's Story. It's been nearly 3 years since I first started it. Of course I changed my ways from when I was 13. Years pass by; things change. That's how life is.

So. That's that.

Moving on, I'm sorry for my behavior these past few days. Er, the comments, huh.

Life is good. It really is. But at the same time (*cough* school and teeth stuff *cough*) it really isn't.

I really had it this time.

I really got myself trapped this time.

I'm drowning myself in guilt. I'm so guilty. I've done bad things. Many, many times.

I can't just let it go or forget about it like it's nothing. It's a very big something. Something big like my entire future. That's pretty big, huh.

I'm agitated. I'm irritable. I've been having on-and-off high anxiety for these past few days. My body randomly aches.

I can't just lie and say it isn't my fault. It is my fault. It's 100% without a doubt my fault. I'm covered in self-hatred and self-blame.

I purposefully made good people lose their trust on me. I keep on letting people down.

I can't live like this. I don't deserve to live if I keep on ruining my future as every second goes by.

I don't even have any plans for the future. At my age, that's not good. I'm supposed to have a plan for at least something. But I don't have anything.

Being surrounded by all my peers who know what they want to do in the future, terrifies me every day. I'm sorry I don't have any ideas. I'm sorry I don't have any ideas for anything anymore. I'm sorry that no matter how hard I try I can not picture myself living life as an adult. Seeing these people my age everywhere I go irl makes me think they're automatically more successful than I'll ever be. Makes me think I'm a failure even more.

Not like I can escape it though. It's everywhere.

That's not all though. This year, my peers are talking about school things way more than ever before. More than other things. It's like school is the main thing this year.

It makes me so anxious. It's hard.

They also go and cry over getting a B grade. And I just want to flip out whenever I hear people say how much of a failure they are. Gee, thanks glad to know I'm worse than a failure.

My friend was panicking to me about how she got a 60 something on a test. I kept on telling her that I got a worse grade, but she refused to believe me. Until I told her my grade and class grade. And then it's like. Oh, so you really did worse than me? Like no freaking duh. I'm the worst. Everyone is better than me. Dont tell me no. I know who I am.

I'm making my grades be very poor. I made myself get so close to a fail class grade. I have As and Bs, sure. But I also have Cs and Ds. It's so frustrating hearing these girls freak out if they have an 89 in a class instead of all straight As.

Yeah, I know what you'll say. I should be in their shoes. Maybe they're all perfectionists who want to get in very good schools after high school. Yeah, I get that. Sorry it doesn't really help make me feel better about myself.

Haha, I'm so self-centered. It's disgusting.

And because of all this, well, I'm very hopeless now. It's not alright, I'm not alright, life isn't alright.

My family is treating me so good. I feel so guilty about it. I don't deserve love and things. I deserve hate. Hate me, hit me, do anything. I really screwed up this time. I screwed up at least 3 things in one day this week. Three things. I'm a bad person. I'm not good. Me being a good person sounds so fake.

And at the same time, I can't go and confess my troubles to my family. That'll just make things worse.

I keep on ruining relationships with good people who don't deserve that.

Honestly though. What's the point? I'm losing it. I really don't want to go back to school.

This is so ironic. My life is good. I have things to look forward to (and by that I mean the cruise, after that there's nothing lol). But at the same time, it's not. Because I'm ruining my life now and in the future. I can't stand growing up. I can't stand school. I can't stand being forced to think about my future nearly every single day.

These three things are probably not even that important. And yet they make me feel like I should just die already. Like I don't deserve to live. I really can't handle it.

Positive things are outweighing negative ones. Why the hell do I find that me being still alive is so stressful?

I don't even know anymore.

Sorry I feel so hostile in replies now. I'm happy but at the same time I'm far from it. I don't understand my own feelings. Moodswings at least every few hours from "life is great! :D" to "time to think about death in those ways again! ;-;". Hormones are ridiculous, huh.

I'm trapped. I want to be free again and know how I'll turn out.

Most people would rather not know about when/where/how they'll die. But it leaves me so anxious not knowing. I want to know so badly. It's killing me.

Oh and I stumbled across this IS/PATH/WARM video. I mean you can look it up if you want. Nothing happy about that. Very bad indeed. And, oh shoot, I relate to the majority of those things. Not all though. Most. More than 1 I don't relate to. Uh, good then? Pfft.

I sometimes think that this blog will be the death of me. Ending at the same time. Haha, that's bad. Irrational thoughts are bad. I am bad, please don't be like me.

Nah, it's okay though. It's just because of school and the future and how inevitable both are.

There's always something to live for. Tons and tons of things.

I'm lucky compared to so many others. I'm only being selfish and gross, right.

High stress. Moderately increasing anxiety and depression. Oops.

Kombucha doesn't solve everything.

Haha, this playlist though. I feel attached to song lyrics way too easily.

Well. That's that. Letting things out is kinda good.

I love making myself suffer, huh.

Bye. <3