cat in a box

Titled because I'm watching my cat who is sitting in a box. Thelma.

I'm still not used to there not being a bright orange number telling me how many comments I have to read before publishing them. The orange words aren't the first thing I see when I'm signed into my Blogger Dash. It makes me less anxious. Uh.. ok.

I went to bed (bed, not sleep) around two hours later than I usually try to do on school nights. When I do that, I tend to be okay during school hours and then collapse in exhaustion after school. However, today, I did not collapse in exhaustion causing me to take a 2-4 hour afternoon nap and wake up not knowing what time and day it is. Nice, I feel proud of myself.

And I didn't take any ibuprofen (that Advil stuff but not that brand) today either. I'm not as in much pain today. Wow, great nice news.

What's not great is what happened in Ohio State.

School didn't cause me to nearly have a panic attack like it did last week. Yay.

School didn't kill me today either. Tomorrow is another story. A lot more work to do tomorrow. And then on Wednesday and Thursday. Ew tests. Half days on a few days though. Alrighty.

So I don't feel like death and dying as much as I had a few days ago. Wow nice.. cries. I still get angry and sad very easily though. Same with that other.. stuff. So, y'know, meh.

I felt relieved letting out the stuff I put in my Saturday and Sunday posts. But then I woke up today and felt like I was overexaggerating again. Smh drama queen Cutepups smh. Always full of invalidation to myself and sometimes those around me. Ah, feeding off that invalidation. Ah, suffering.

Eh, I don't think it's that normal to become completely hopeless in the future that I think about dying just because I caused myself to have a bad grade. At least I think that's not normal? I'm guessing.

Not like I would actually ever act on my irrational thoughts. It takes me great time and effort to do that. Well, except for blogging on the internet. I procrastinate on everything else and leave it to the last minute.

So I won't ever actually try and die. I'll just think about that a lot sometimes.

*winks and finger guns at you*

I'm a wreck.

I feel my own invalidation coming back. Oh darn no.

Anyway, it's Cyber Monday. My parents are struggling. rip

Well, that means it's almost December. Which means winter. Which means winter break. Which means one reason for me to live- the cruise where I'll be away from the hell of the internet and of the state of America. Yes finally.

What I'm trying to say is I'll change the theme to a winter one soon. Some time vaguely in the future.

Oh, before I forget. In school, I sometimes get tons of creative ideas that I completely forget and lose interest in when I come home. Here, let me talk about the one I had today.

It was about Twinkle's Story.

... wait I have a lot of them actually. If you haven't read Chapters 52 and 53, you'll be confused.

~life is one big heck~

So one of them was that while Calliah and Duke were in the car, Calliah ends up killing him. While she is driving.

I also had one where they were in the same place, but Duke ends up killing her.

Then I was like. Nah, let's not go there.

I also had one where Dawn cut off all her long hair with a jagged rock. Just a rock. Cutting hair. What a fancy rock that must be.

I also had one where Dawn had a long-lost sister named Dusk. Then I was like. Ew gross idea.

These are making me laugh, what the heck.

There was also one where I randomly thought of Duke speaking and yelling in Spanish. For the entire story. Every other character spoke English.

Oh and then there was one where Duke felt the will to live and changed his mind about Fierdan's plan. This left him outraged. And Duke is all like, screw you Fierdan. And Fierdan gets offended and cries.

And for today's one. I thought of Calliah, somehow knowing about the Duke and Fierdan death plan, telling Duke there's another way to get rid of Soulless. Not that suicide one. Suicide is never the answer. So then Calliah tells Duke to just get heart surgery and a blood transfusion. And he asks her from who. Which she replies with herself. Calliah then tells Duke that she is a highly trained surgeon. Which then makes Duke all the more suspicious. He then reminds her that if she's giving him her heart and blood, she can't do the surgery. In the end, they are panicking.

I kinda like that idea. Still pretty crazy though.

Because, well, Soulless is in Duke's heart. I don't know why it just is. And if that part of the heart is removed, Soulless would disappear somehow. Duke also has tainted blood because of that. I don't know much please don't ask questions I'm dumb.

Shh, there's a reason behind why Calliah is suddenly nice to Duke. Shh, shh. She'll tell him why soon enough.

When will I type a new chapter? Who knows. I don't have as much time as I used to for me just to spend hours typing up non-educational stuff. Growing up sucks.

I'm hoping that school won't kill me tomorrow.

I guess that's it. Take care of yourselves, alright?