ohh heckk mann

Hi, hi. Sorry in advance for any possible typos/grammatical errors in this post. I've been shaking a lot recently today. I'm also in a rush and can't afford the time to post later tonight. So yeah. Sorry about that.

So, um, just got informed that it's possible for me to change my blog name and URL without switching blogs and making a new Blogger account (because if I were to switch to a new main blog, I would want a new Blogger account; this account is so disorganized as it is). So, upon reading about that, I just got exhilarated. Like, oh man, even more shakiness here. I didn't know I could change the blog name. Apparently I can. I want to change the name for so long. And I can. Wowie wow wow that's great! 

Now nobody can be misinformed about my blog because of my URL. Yes yes good very good. 

I'll go to doing it later. Not now. I procrastinate on literally everything in my life. Everything. Every single thing. It's bad. I'm horrible. The worst. 

Anyway. I've been on the verge of having a panic attack nearly all day today. I've vented/ranted to an irl friend. So I'm not as upset now. I still am though. Just not as much. Yeah idk what I'm saying. I've cried today though, oops. And feeling shaky. I feel sick right now. Whelp, not doing so good. 

I deserved the suffering and pain I got today. I inflicted all of it on myself. It's my fault. Can't forgive myself, can't forgive others. 

Whoops, throw that bright happy sunshine positivity in the garbage disposal. Because that's all gone now. All because of me. 

I never learn. Made too many mistakes. Far too many.

Can't make it right. It's too late. It's way past too late. 

I'm falling behind in school and the rest of my life. Ha, ha. 

And I feel so defensive about it. I'm trying to be chill about it. I know it's stupid. I know.. like what the heck why she do that. Why, Cutepups, why. Just. Why. Stop. Die already. You know, that feel. 

It was a thing (not really though let's be real here) where it was a joke. Them two. Boys. What a joke oh boy please kill me. Like no. Noo. Heck. More like protectiveness stuff. I don't freaking know. What the heck.

Also, forgot to add. I think the additional words before the chapters was stupid and pointless. So that's why I didn't add any of that in for these two new chapters. 

The different color names is also pretty stupid. Pretty eye-straining for me too. So now all their names are black. Like their souls/hearts/whatever. They're all so edgy what the hell is this story lmao.

Such a sad miserable joke this story crap is. Heck, just like my life. 

Oh yeah. I totally forgot about Bob the Blobfish when typing up that skit. Now I feel so sad about it. How could Duke forget about his times with good old Bob the Blobfish? What the heck, I'm so ashamed I forgot about him. 

Remember when I kept on saying I'm doing good and like school this year? Whelp, that's over now. Oops, I'm a failure. The worst. Screw up. 

Today was just so bad. Bad. It was bad. 

I also typed this sad poem about myself. Lol please hate it with me. Let's all hate myself together. I deserve it.

. 

In the dark 
For so long
Trapped in your own misery 

You finally tried to 
Reach up and out of the dark
You were trying for so long 
You were almost there 
You were so close 
To being happy again 
To thinking how depressed you were earlier
Had finally gone away 
That you were okay and cool again
After all those years 
You were so close 

Then one thing happens
It's only the start of it all
Like dominoes one thing happens 
Which leads to another 
And another and another 
Again and again and again 
Soon enough you're trapped 
Underneath it all

You were reaching for the light 
It was within your grasp
But you screwed up
Screwed everything up
So now because of you 
You have fallen back into 
Your own dark pit of misery 

Progress
Positivity 
All far out of reach
Because you let it go 
Thanks a lot to you
To me 

.

I can't write lmao. 

Question of the Day: How do you forget? 

Like in general. How do you forget all the bad things in your life? Because of yourself and yourself only. I've always had this problem. Time doesn't really work that well. Just leaves old wounds, older suffering. 

And don't say alcohol or drugs either. That's bad, man. I'm a minor. Child. Crybaby. 

Heck, that reminded me. I always make Duke cry. And he's a guy character. Finny cried too. He's a guy character too. 

Oh man, I unintentionally am destroying the masculine gender role that guys can't cry. The heck man, please give me an award of one "screw you Cutepups just stop already please stop omg". Please and thank you, my good man. 

Bye, bye.

~ Cutepups (what the heck kind of name is that please stop omg) 

*finger guns to head and out of here*

*peace sign*

Spread peace and love this holiday season. Give me a reason to live and have a purpose because I don't know the answer to any of those questions.

:'D