i

/tw/

Read at your own expense. 

I'm sorry. I mess everything up.

(v.)

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I can't. I'm sorry. I'm really not okay right now. 

Over the past week or two, I was on the verge of making new polls. One that asks "Are you my friend?" and the other that asks "Do you hate me?". I know those polls are so stupid. But I need to know. I'm too attached to "internet friends". I care too much. But I pretend I don't care about anyone in real life. Only my family really cares about me. Friends aren't that good at really caring. So I thought it would be different online. Now I think I couldn't have been more wrong. I'm detached in real life, but I'm too attached online. I didn't make the polls because I'm scared about that too. Call it anxiety, call it paranoia, call it.. hell. Someone would vote "No" and "Yes". I know someone will. I know someone out there hates me and definitely doesn't see me as their friend. I know they're out there. Still out there. I know, I know, I know. 

I was doodling and was so close to making vent art today. By art I mean digital art, not a poem or any writing thing. And I never posted any actual vent drawings online before. Yeah. 

A few hours ago when I was drawing depressing art only to delete it later, my grandma called me. She's an amazing grandma.. I love her, okay. So I was in the middle of silently crying while doodling, so when she suddenly called me, I sounded.. unhappy, to say the least. So of course she noticed. And I miserably tried to deny it. That I'm okay. I keep on lying to people. I am a disgrace. Then we both were looking up things (birthday related to me since my birthday's coming up and we always have plans together.. yeah). And, well, when she had to go look for something and went away from the phone for a minute, I started crying. I tried to hide it. I did it pretty well. I hide my feelings all the time in real life. Online is my only escape, I suppose.

And like every other time I post something when I feel sad and like crap, I listen to a few depressing songs on repeat. One of which is "Goner" (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3J5mE-J1WLk). Yeah. 

I'm left alone on weekends. They either leave for the night/s or they refuse to get out of the house. So I'm stuck at home being bored out of my mind and being sad. Today (Sunday) was such a gorgeous day. But no. Let's just stay home all day. Even though they were out all night. 

I don't even try that hard on schoolwork anymore. I only get my homework seriously done at night. 10-12 at night. It's hard to focus, to see the point. 

I'm really f***ing stupid at chemistry. Even the classmates who were struggling with me. They're better than me. They passed. I failed. I'm a fail. They have partners. I have none. I'm the odd one out. I can't ask for help on my own. I only go if my friend (or should I say good classmate acquaintance) goes to help too. I'm way too scared to get help by myself. 

My grades are all over the place. Last night I had yet another nightmare related to school. I get those quite frequently. 

I need help. But I'm terrified. I lie to everyone. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't just mean school. I mean in general. I depend on a few specific people too much, but at the same time I avoid everyone. And my mood is what the heck. I don't know anyone who's more introverted than me. My family calls me "hermit" and other more rude words because I like being left alone and isolated. 

I tell them I don't care. But I do. I care way too f***ing much. I'm aloof and detached, but I care. 

And now even more people are leaving. I knew this day would come. And so it has. That thought of deleting, unfollowing, and deactivating seems more better today. Yes, I've thought of clicking those buttons quite a few times. I make this pain increase in amount.  And it hurts.

I should leave before anyone can hurt me because I overthink things too much. I don't know how much of this I can take. I'm still crying. 

I promised someone I would be a help with something they created. I failed that person. I don't know how to do anything right. 

I'm not suicidal, but I can't see myself in the future. I'm not suicidal, but I think about death and life a lot. I don't cut myself, but I still find myself hurting myself. Emotionally turns to mentally which then turns to physically. And sometimes it's straight up physically. 

No one gives a f***. But these words are out now. On a f***ing device with internet. 

I'll end this post with a song. I think it fits for a conclusion of a post. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eCeBNwBUkcI

Goodbye.