oh......

Waking up at 3 am and posting at 4. Woke up at 4 the other day. I mean hey guys.

I just heard that music-coming-from-nowhere again. I only hear it in my room. The music seems to come from nothing and nowhere. The songs aren't even good songs half the time. This is driving me crazy! What is wrong with me?!

So.. lol.. how ya'll been? What's new with you?

Y'all..? Lol what I'm not even from the south.

Did anyone care that I was suddenly gone for a week? Wondered what happened? Got worried? Confused? Sad? Or is that just a me thing?

You're all alive and well, I'm assuming? (well.. duh.. of course you're alive.. maybe not well.. who am I to know.. it's 4 am why am I even typing this now).

It's okay.. we'll be okay..

I hate how I know people are in distress and bad things like that, and I can't help them when they need the support right then and there. It bothers me so much.

Oh yeah lol. I reread my first few April 2015 posts.

I.. I.. Frick. The fool was that I was quitting Twinkle's Story. Then I said I would never abruptly leave it.

But.. it turns out that fool became a reality. Because I did quit it. And not just the story, AJ too.

And back then.. I thought that could never happen to me. Same about other things too.. they happened to me. Frick.

It's so annoying when I go back before June or whenever when I wasn't so "down in the dumps" about everything. Like, oh my god, the keyboard faces. And the excitement. And, you know, being a good decent blogger with an actually entertaining blog. It annoys me how I was and at some points even pretended to be so happy and positive and la-di-da. Because I know I can't let myself actually be that way again. Like.. my god, was I immature back then. I was what.. 14, 15? And I sounded what.. 11, 12 in my old posts? Just.. oh my god. If you're a newer viewer (especially if you're from my DA or tumblr or whatever.. idk), I beg you to please don't go searching past my later months' posts of 2015. Before that.. well.. that side of me is long gone dead now. I killed it.. the cringe.. gosh. But yet I'm sucking it up and not deleting any of it. Because I'm brave.. no.. because I'm stupid more like.

Ooh, it's 4:20 am... 420 blaze it!

Sorry. Now it's past 4:20 am. I've been up for over an hour now then.

It's not even a school day (thank god). Why the heck am I still up?

Don't answer that. That's a rhetorical question for myself. I ask myself a lot of questions. I hate it.

I miss the commenters from a year ago. They made me so happy. Really happy, not any faked happiness. They were some of my favorite commenters ever. I considered us friends at some point.
But then they left completely. Like yeah, if they ever come back one day, of course I'll still consider them my friends. Because.. man.. were those people awesome. I wonder if the Anons from back then (the cool swag ones I mean obviously) still visit my blog. I like those cool swag Anons. Maybe they still lurk around and are the ones who vote on my polls..? Because, like, 2 other people actually still comment on here, but I got more than 2 results from the polls. So yeah lol please come back lovely people. I miss you. A lot. ...frick...

Over the years of being into this blogger stuff, I've realized that I've been a fool for the way I acted. Like.. god.. it's hard enough for me already. Not thinking and being skeptical that online friends will suddenly leave you completely one day. And forget you. Because.. well.. idk. It was stupid of me to think that freaking "best friends forever together" logic that is bs would be different and work online. Because irl "friends" do it all the time. Every "friend" does that. Either that or ignore me and make me feel like I don't exist. I know it's my fault. I'm the most boring and socially awkward person you'll ever meet. And yeah, I get made fun of. And yes, I have a dislike for people for various reasons. I told you guys I'm negative. Like, online "friends" or whatever I made during my years of cruddy blogging, they're like the best friends I always wish I could have irl. Some irl "friends" are funny and cool with me I guess, but they constantly ignore my existence.. so, that's that.

Basically.. well.. it's hard for me to trust people who are new to me and are nice to me. Because I think we're friends when maybe they never see me as a friend.. then turns out they just left. And never communicated with me ever again.

My god.. what is wrong with me. It's been months, it's been years. And yet, I still get sad about them. I hate being emotionally attached to "friends". I hate only being internally because I can't get myself to show my internalized feelings about what I think of those certain people externally.

I miss the... "good old days... now we're stressed out". (yes yes tøp yes yes).

Hmm.. maybe a part that built up my negativity is the reason that it's hard for me to trust new people in my life, and so I hate opening up completely and being close to anyone new in my life that I might consider a "friend". And because so many people who I loved being in my life totally ditched me one day. Not just online people.. no.. people in general. And.. the feeling.. it just sucks. I hate that "best friend together forever" logic so much. It's never worked with me.

I just.. idk. Rereading some things reminded me of some other things. And so this post happened.

Bye guys. (lol like anyone actually cares.. pfft..).

~ Cutepups || S.