ok mental stuff

Tw/

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In this post, I list my problems more straightforward than I usually do.

Hello~

I feel less sad and like dying now.

Anxiety. Such a bother.

It is hot.

Talk too long about heat/sun/tanning/sunburns, and I will suffer.

Like this morning.

Peers/friends (idk man) talking about that stuff.

Me being me.

Suddenly body temp shoots up.

Becomes semi-deaf.

Blurry eyes, yo, them blurry eyes.

Is my neck on fire? Who knows, my dude?

Feels like I'm shaking but in reality I'm standing still.

Anxiety attack? Overheating only due to thinking about hot things like that too much? Disassociating? Who knows, my dude. I'm not normal and I probably need help. Or just to drink more water in this case lol. But no water is nearby enough. Argh.

But my family is all like. No.. you're fine. Stop it ok just stop it. Our medical stuff doesn't cover everything and it's expensive and life's a burden.

So that's that. And to elaborate on that.. haha.. I can't. Fear of confrontation. Fear of life lol. Social anxiety/avpd? Hmm.. I relate to most of those people's experiences. But like. I go to school and my other activities. Because I have to. But socializing there? Rarely.

I'm interested in this psych stuff. What the heck.

And I'm like. ... kinda wanna live, kinda wanna die.

Also because I've been to a few therapies in my early childhood. So more of that? And my wariness of new people? No thank you.

I might have said I'm having an anxiety/panic attack to some close online friends. Because of whatever happened. But the only real ones that hurt a lot all revolve around relating to school. The other ones I don't.. uh.. throw up and feel nauseous and get the chills and sweats at the same time. Ah.. school. Fun, ain't it? No it's not ok no.

But ones I get due to online friends stuff. Like yesterday lol. Haha, I think we sorted it out now. I hope. Just hard to sleep, odd feeling in stomach but it doesn't hurt like the other kind, fidgety and excessive worrying and thinking for the worse.

I don't get these daily though. Once or twice a week are when they most frequently occur. But they average once or twice a month. The really bad school ones? Very few per school year, thankfully.

Haha, so many things wrong with me.

avpd (avoidant ; most likely of the pd's tbh), dpd (dependent), bpd (borderline) ..... ??????

idk ok.

Oh and in case you were wondering, I don't cut and think suicidal thoughts. If you do, GET HELP IMMEDIATELY. Please. I love you. As friends/platonically of course because I have no romantic heart and am heartless in that way. Those crushes in middle school were all fake to fit in the heteronormative society norm. Haha yeah.

Or maybe that's because I've been like an avoidant/socially anxious person for so long. Lol.

Like this is legit me with "suicidal thoughts" (psst, they're really not):

Me: I want to die.
Me: What you gonna do, buddy?
Me: What.
Me: That would be excruciating painful. I don't like pain.
Me: Then suck it up and live this crappy life in this crappy world.
Me: But.
Me: No! Suffer forever!
Me: Fine.
Me: What would you do anyway?
Me: What.

Haha me. What a joke. Such a memer dreamer. Wow.

I constantly have scratches on my hands and arms though. Because my pets are rude. Like why are you scratching me, cats? Stop it ok like stop. Damn it cats, you made me bleed but your claws don't even hurt what the heck is this. And when I'm feeling really really crappy I make my easier to attack cat (Zo) to scratch/bite me instead.. and very intentionally. Yeah, these cats are not normal sane felines like in those cat food commercials.

I feel very emotional right now.

Or I punch/slap/kick a wall. Lol I'm such a weakling.

Haha yeah that's what I mean by that. Self-harm doesn't only equal cutting yourself. But what I do doesn't hurt me. Except seeing how their sharp claws made me bleed. Wow ok.

And there's also compulsively skin picking and peeling. Fingernail skin. Yeah lol I'm a mess.

Ugh, I always feel bad posting stuff like this. People getting offended or me being ableist somehow. But only because I don't go to legit Therapy™. But in my life's circumstances and fears, I can not do that. Ok, ok.

And besides I keep on doubting myself that it's come to such an extent that I absolutely no way around it need Therapy™. I have the several self-care sites and videos for that. Therapy™ is definitely better though. Like in real life. Yeah ok.

So.. I'll end it here.

Thanks for dealing with me.

I love all you nice people out there.

I'm very distantly clingy.

Goodbye.