um hi hello

Um...

Hi. Hello.

:^)

I changed some things on my Blogger Profile. So if you want to see them, just click on my name at the end of this post or in the comments where I comment comments. Ok cool.

During and after Spanish class a little bit, I thought I was gonna post something that says something like, "I feel worse than before. blahblahblah I overthink everything, am a sensitive as prick single pringle living in a trash can, and oh my god anxiety I can't do this blahblahblah".

But now, several hours after school, I am no longer dying. I mean panicking. Anxiety. Avoids social life. *screams in head*.

So much to do. Don't know how to. Stress. Tests. An additional test. Project. With partner at least. But it's bad. Writing a paragraph about thing for non-school thing but it is required and I don't know how to relate the two concepts.

I'm such an outcast in school. They are staring at me. I don't talk. To like anyone. Because honestly none of them give a crap about me. Like yeah ok just ignore my existence. How? What? This is life? I deserve a D or F in life. Because I suck at living it. Like. I can't. I'm so alone. No one is like me. Why didn't I get any good social and interaction genes? Because I can't be social and interact with people in real life for my life.

And these annoying little ditches (omg ditches lol I'm such a funny bean I don't even like beans so of course that analogy makes sense because I don't like myself either lol haha). Like they be yapping and blabbering like, "oh my god I want to kill myself hahahahaha!". And then I'm like, "please stop. just don't. ok no. you make me want to die ("when I wake up I'm afraid") with me having to hear your voices. please when can i exit hell?"

It's from a song. Like gosh.

Like I'll be walking by myself to lunch or whatever and then suddenly my brain would be all like, "lol hahaha you are so socially inept. now let's talk about death things because this will never end ok life sucks my dude, mk?". And I'll be all like, "whoa there buddy.. oh darn another segment why i suck at the game of life in the real world which is definitely not a game". Like yeah mhmm.

While outside and to every other person I'm just walking stupidly in the hallways or whatever with no one because lol no friends.

Oh yeah. Then I was thinking, "Nothing's working because nothing can work. Nothing can fix this. I'll just end up giving in to my attempts of lying and successfully hiding my true feelings. I need help."

lol me such a sad excuse for a person

My partner for this Spanish project told me something along the lines of, "Can you say anything other than I don't know?"

So I kinda panicked (internally of course externally i have no feelings so call me dead) and told him, "I don't know" (and then something like "I'll draw the library"). We're drawing a map. So.. yeah. I can not draw today. My drawings today in class. Ew ew ew you can do better than that, S!".

That question was intimidating to me. Like.. strange mind my dude can not function smoothly in that way.. idk is my default setting to most non-straightforward questions. But maybe I be knowing, but it still comes out "I don't know". Ok idk.

There must be something wrong with me. I know I might seem like I communicate rather decently with you internet folks, but please, spend a day with me irl and you'll understand. Socializing casually and me don't mix. You'll probably be like, "wow.. she is so quiet.. omg wow she is boring.. .. bye now lol".

And I'll look at my nails like I always do.

Why do I even type in "like" so many times in my posts? I almost never say "like" irl. It's my source of internet buffering. Like, um, umm, uh.. those bunch of words.

Positivity things don't reach down far enough. It doesn't help. Doesn't affect anything. I'm still crap at basic human interaction, I can't change my ways, and I hate myself because of it.

Which causes me to feel depressed and anxious. Ok wait. Actually I guess I do suck at socializing online too. I haven't commented on other blogs in so long. But I be checking. I too unmotivated to comment a good comment. And like you don't comment here either, so why I be commenting on yours? Like that kind of thing. Oh yeah and even sometimes midway through chats on the big official chat site where there's more than one person and blahblahblah I'll suddenly start feeling not too good. And ugh anxiety. But like, I like them guys. But then suddenly pain strikes. And it just.. ugh.

Stay alive and don't die.

Ok bye.

I hate being the center of attention and anything anyone says can make me feel uneasy to a panic-mode, but I need attention.

i.. i..

Gone.