Dog Birthday + Whatever.. (v)

Hello. It's m-- No. I've been missing you for quite some time.~

I celebrated two of my very young cousins' birthdays that occurred recently.

Their dog plays fetch. Mine does not.

Actually, today's my dog's birthday. Sunshine's birthday. She's 11 now. She's growing old.

I'll put in some photos I took of her (one has crappy edits) at the end of this post. My house is such a mess.. just like my thoughts.

I go back to school tomorrow. Well.. can't help that from happening. The friends and socializing part of school isn't fun for me anymore. I'm not even sure if I actually have friends apart from the 2 or 3 people I chat with online and on other sites. And then the people who I believe actually are my friends and don't bs me don't even attend my school. There's this family event ceremony thing that's happening on Tuesday morning. I wish I could miss school and attend it.. but I can't. I'm just saying.. I hope that new baby will be okay.. um yeah.. baby and parenting difficulties. Another distant and not immediate family stress.

(EDIT- Oh shoot, this turned out to become such a vent. Oh god. Read below at your own risk. /tw)

Whelp, it seems that almost all the time nowadays (I'll say 95+% of the time) I'm inbetween being happy and being unhappy. And more often as time passes by do I become more contradictory. And irritable. And then the self-hatred comes.

Oh and my immediate family (especially my mom right now.. it used to be my sister, but not anymore) keeps on pestering me. And then I can't stop wanting to be left alone and always so irritable to her. So then I'm pretty sure she's starting to hate me at this point. I've been a jerk to her more than to others, that's for sure. But she.. ugh this sounds cliche.. just won't understand.

Damn it. I'm so sorry, mom. I'm sorry I'm not as outgoing and interesting and exciting as them. I'm sorry I'm not like that generic teen. I'm sorry I stay in bed so long. I'm sorry I find little to no interest in just about any activity besides just surfing the web and my online accounts. Ugh.. I'm sorry I can't just lie to you by smiling and saying I had fun doing that.. because that didn't make me happy. I'm sorry I'm different. I'm sorry I only feel like doing nothing. I'm sorry I don't know what to do with my life. I'm sorry doing those tasks brings me anxiety. I'm sorry I'm not a social person. I'm sorry I'm a negative introvert.

I can't get myself to think of any future life plans for me. I have no idea what to do with my life. I know being an artist gets you barely any money unless you're, well, really out there and well-known and stuff. And, well, I'm adequate. Maybe even worse than that. But I'm sorry I'm not interested in anything else, so I'm screwed for the future. I don't know what I want to be. That terrifies me. The idea of job interviews and career/college applications gives me anxiety. It's bad that it's so hard for me to imagine a future, me in 10 years from now for example, that I'm living in.

It's like a steel black roadblock. After senior year of high school, there's just this roadblock. I hate not knowing what to do with my life. Nothing at all. Writing, maybe drawing too.. come on now, that's unrealistic. If I'm going to do that, I know I'll need another job. But, haha, what. I'm so pathetic and hopeless.

I can't imagine a future, a successful and happy future, with me in it. I've been like this for months, years.. I don't know. I hate when so many people I know are so happy and living through it. Because it just lets me think how successful they are.

Does thinking this way count in suicidal thinking? Most likely not. But, well, it being nearly impossible to imagine living successfully in the future (like every 5 years from now for example.. so 20, 25, 30, 35, etc.). It's not like I'll act on anything.. bad.

I know so many people years older than me don't have their life figured out yet either. I know there's a "yet" to all this thinking. But, well, I just feel trapped in never achieving beyond that "yet".

I'm so insecure and scared. And then there's the fact of why not letting myself live with a significant other so I'm not all alone in life and whatnot. But I can't feel attractions in that way. Family just won't understand that. And friends? That.. well.. I'm skeptical on that. Me? Having friends? That would be supportive and live with me and whatever? Haha, that's hilarious.

Friends.. they're the ones that never explain the things to me, hide things behind my back, are never straightforward with me first or at all, make me hesitant on trusting new ones.

I was born, and always will be, alone and a lonely person. That's just my nature or whatever. That's just how things are. I can't just change my ways and be outgoing and social and exciting to be around. I'm sorry I just can't do that.

I.. I don't know. I'm sick of it.

Will I account for anything? Am I worth anything (in real life)? What's the point?

Nowadays, I constantly feel that if the littlest unsettling thing happens to me, I'll cry. And, well, that's stupid. Crying, for what? I can't even get my freaking mouth to explain how I feel to them. I can't even get myself to do that right. And honestly, the littlest thing on my spring break vacation made me yell at my parents. Like the fact that there was no wifi.

It's like everything's setting me off/on edge nowadays. And it sucks. Even seeing my friends with their boyfriends or girlfriends (depends on the friend.. not just if they're male or female.. yeah that) sets me on edge inside. Like seeing them happy. And I can't help feeling jealous and more distant between them. And this is only because they have/had a significant other. I never even felt actual romantic attraction once in my life, yet I can't help but feel so jealous about the fact that they have a significant other.

Wow, I must suck. I should just leave you guys alone.

I'm sorry.

.....

Okay, if you survived through all that shiz I just typed up, then congratulations.

Now since this is the conclusion of my post, I'll post some Sunshine photos.

The first one has those crappy edits on it. The second one has a black blob running across in front of her. The black blob is my little punk cat, Thelma, running in front of Sunshine. Thelma secretly loves Sunshine. She tries to deny it, but she's bad at hiding the evidence.

My house is ugly shiz. Believe me, I know.

Well.. okay.

Whatever.

Bye.

~ Cutepups

 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯