Tch

Hey. I woke up so early today. Well then. 

Due to unfortunate circumstances, I'm still here. Great. 

Blogger glitched while I was in those November posts. Oh darn, gotta fix those when it stops glitching. And the December ones too. 

Yep. All of it. The entire year's worth of posts. In 2014. I'm disabling new comments on all posts in 2014. I'll finish the November and December posts from back then when Blogger stops being stupid with me. 

It's in the past now. The past is in the past. New comments can't come back to haunt me due to how cringy my 13 and 14 year old self was. But it still exists. The past will always stay there. But now it's kept completely in the past now. 

I'm so repetitive. Wow. 

There was a post from somewhere in my autumn 2014 posts where I apologized for leaving my previous post so not as happy as my posts usually were. But this person who's involved in my family who's unofficially me and my siblings' grandfather died. So due to other irl reasons, of course I wasn't as happy as before. Haha, I'm still sad about it. Pfft. And 14 year old me apologized for being sad. Wow, do I suck or what? Haha, now nearly all my posts are in a sad mood. I'm either in an anxious mood, depressed mood, or I'm just too tired. Happiness is so fake to me now. Even in enjoyable circumstances. Due to irl reasons. 

No, I'm not sorry for being sad. About him, about now, about anything. I don't care anymore.

And I also made several posts in 2014 starting posts with warnings in big brightly colored letters. Now my posts now and in 2015 too are so much more violent than any 2014 post. Yep. 

(Wow, I love music from The Eden Project now. While typing this, I've been listening to "Statues" on repeat 7 times. At least. Psst.. I love this song. As well as all the other EDEN songs I've listened to already. Haha yeah.)

I think I know why I keep asking if you guys hate me. It's because I hate myself. Half of my family is either fully disappointed in me or hates me (they told me). Oh and I've been starting to really get trust issues about people, especially "friends" (including online ones too). And if my own family and "friends" say they hate me in different contexts, then I'll continue to think that people hate me. I'm paranoid about this, okay. I bet you hate me for thinking you hate me. And for being so negative. I know you're thinking that. So that means you still hate me somewhat. Just about everyone close to me irl does, so I doubt other people are different. I've been hurt, insulted, and lied to too many times to think otherwise. I'm too weak to even truly say I'm done. Because it'll never be done. 

Yeah. People are mean. I'm mean. No one's an angel. I'm scared of death, but I'm also scared of life. I doubt I'm even a "real person" at this point. I'm more like a lost spirit. Barely anyone still acknowledges my existence without making me hate them or myself. How unfortunately great. 2016 is such a better year than last year, huh? No. 

Yeah, I should stop complaining. People have it much worse, anyways. 

Yeah, I should shut up.

....