... I still have to reply to those two comments. The post with the two songs. Yeah, that one.
I'm sorry, hhhnfgh.
So anyway...
There's this thing called NaPoWriMo this month. I think it's when you write poems every day of the month and post them online.
Yeah, well, I'm thinking of doing that. Because, like, I have so many poem ideas in mind.
But I don't know if there's an official prompt list for it. I don't think there is.
So yeah. I might do that. I more than likely won't write, never mind post online, new poems every day.. but, ya know, maybe this will be fun and fill the widening hole of chronic emptiness/sadness in my soul.
But seriously though. Emptiness feels so heavy. This is so painful. My heart all the way to my stomach feels so empty. Like.. if you could physically feel how it would be like to have aching, empty bones and organs, I would be feeling it.
And it freaking sucks. It's awful. This makes life even more not worth it.
I've been trying to deny the fact that I'm sad just about all the time. Like yeah, I laugh and smile sometimes (and the chances are higher when I'm talking to my friends), but at the same time, I'm so sad and empty all the freaking time.
Whatever the hell's wrong with me mentally is just getting worse and worse. I don't know why I keep on pushing it off as not being that bad. But it is! It's terrible! I'm genuinely looking forward to literally one thing in my life (and it's not college, fyi) and nothing else. When that's over, I don't know what else to look forward to. It makes me feel like I have nothing to live for. Haha, what.. watching TV shows, being around my pets, messaging my friends.. that's basically the only good things I have going for me right now. But, I'm sorry, it's not enough. Nothing ever is enough! Compared to others (including probably all my friends), my life is better than theirs. But, haha, I still want to kill myself! I don't think I even have any hope anymore that things will get better. It's the same shit every single day, and it's exhausting. Having to live with this brain dump is exhausting. Living is exhausting!
Uh.. I might (might!) go see my doctor/a psychologist/psychiatrist soon. I don't know which one. Doctor first would make sense. But I don't know about after that.
And, well idk, I think you're assuming it's because my parents have noticed there's a bunch of things wrong with me emotionally/socially/cognitively(?). Well, nope! Not them!
My brother came home this past weekend. Well anyway, and yeah.. umm...
Like yeah, yeah. It was him. About saying how serious it is that I'll see one. Because, like, of how I am irl and in public.
Yeah. I hate how I see myself as a burden. It sucks. I need help, but my dumbass brain is like, "lol no you don't, you don't deserve to have your parents pay even more money for you, and we all know therapy won't do shit to help you at this point." Which.. sucks. Everything about it sucks!
Ok, ok. Sometimes, about certain topics, we disagree heavily on. And it's bad. And for the past year especially, it's been an "us vs. him" thing in my family. Some of it's good, but some of it is just.. bad. Not worth it. My family.. eh.. kinda, dysfunctional? We're all messed up. And sometimes I think I blame my parents for how they raised me and my siblings.. and that's why we're all messed up. And how I'm obviously the worst. Like.. we all have our problems.
But to cut to the chase, talking to my brother about mental health/illness stuff and psychologists was like the only thing I wasn't annoyed about. Yeah, that's pretty bad, but still. Finally.. agreeing on something.
It's not all bad, I swear. I just.. idk. Feelings.. bluhrhugrghh.
Oh and I keep on feeling like I'm being manipulative. Because in my posts, I'll be like, "I'm so lonely," "I'm so passively suicidal haha," "I'm a total wreck," etc., etc. But when I want to reply to comments, I try to be more cheerful when I do that.
Me in my posts: Is anyone out there reading this? Does anyone care about me? I want to hurt myself and die!
Me in my comments: Ahh, it's ok. Don't worry about me, I'm fine. We all know I won't actually kill myself ever. Take care of yourselves! Ha, ha.
Geez, I'm so tired of myself. Am I being manipulative? Did you guys even notice that? I don't know.
Ahhhh. Yeah. Bye.
(pls read this tho and comment whatever)
<3 xx <3
"When that's over, I don't know what else to look forward to..."
ReplyDeleteThe discovery of a new favorite band, eating an entire cup of your favorite cereal once a week, playing with Thelma, discovering the adorable existence of munchkin cats, re/watching old/new TV shows, eating the best noodle omelette ever made...
Et cetera.
Don't have to be big. Just as long as it's something. :)
I guess you like [after you've posted something depressing and/or suicidal related]... get over it?? No, that's not the word, um... Soothe the desire to kill yourself? I mean, by the time these comments get to you, you more or less get out of (or more into) your original mood, and are able to reply with a semi-cheerful attitude?
I have no idea. I'm not you. I only get snippets of your life through this blog, and even then I can't truly comprehend all of it. (I have a seriously sheltered life, don't mind me)
In any case, hope you and your gorgeous pets are having a pleasant day~
But I want to look forward to something.. bigger, more special. On the average day, I do appreciate (and stay alive for) the little things like the ones you listed. Everything, even listening to music, gets so boring after not too long. I don't know. Maybe I think it's not enough. I'm sick of my endless cycle of boredom. I just want to.. live, I guess.
DeleteMost of the time, I feel kinda better (or more like distracted) in the morning than at night. I usually feel the most energized and emotional late at night (around 11 or 12 midnight, which is also the time I post lol). Then I feel embarrassed for letting out my feelings that have been bothering me all day that I type out in my posts.. *sigh*. But I don't think I ever truly "let go" of the feeling of wanting to die. Lately, it's been bothering me equally as much in the daytime as it is late at night when I'm all alone. Comments cheer me up a little, so I feel obligated to sound more cheerful when replying. But also I've been feeling empty a lot more often, so I feel like whatever I'll say back is too.. emotionless. Yeah idk.
I keep on thinking you'll also leave a comment full of insults toward me. That's why I sometimes procrastinate on reading and publishing your comments. Guess I'm still haunted by the past.. idk. I smile every time I read your recent comments. Thanks so much. <3