this blog is a four year old

Ahh, I almost forgot! Today (April 11th) is the fourth anniversary of this blog's existence! 

This blog is a four year old. That's like a toddler. It's a small child. Lmao. 

It's been four years. What the heck-- 

I was looking at my posts from this day last year, so then I remembered I started blogging on this day in the good/terrible year of 2014. 

It's kinda hard for me to remember how I was back then without me looking at old posts. 

My memory.. that's wack. Heck. 

I like how "heck" sounds. I like saying it. It's just like.. heck. 

Well anyway, I was talking about Fierdan last year for some reason (I mean on my blog anniversary post lol). So that made me think about him. 

Fierdan.. what a guy. 

When I think of him and Duke, I don't really see them as good TM people. But, like, I think they're good characters. Their morals/beliefs/that kind of stuff.. eh, not really the right thing. But do I love them because they're my characters that I've probably developed the most in depth? Oh yes. 

Honestly, I really hate some of Duke's actions. In the story, well, he's uhh.. a dick. This freaking boy, I swear. 

So then I mock him by making him be a certain way in the skits. Duke.. he sure is a loud, dramatic, fool. 

Now.. umm.. time for.. idk: 

• I never posted that "Flower Garden" (?) drawing I have from a year ago. 

• I kinda get motivated by hearing my characters' voices in my head. They just sound so good?? I love them. (@ cutepups: wtf) 

• I think about Twinkle and Dawn a lot too, but it's like I never post about them enough. I still love them though, haha. 

• I also make skits because honestly, the story is a complete joke. (@ cutepups: wtf do you mean? isn't the story just a weird tragedy?) 

• I also imagine the story being a movie or TV show, so then I imagine all the characters having actors. Well, haha, I love imagining these actors. They're all cool and nice (unlike some of the characters in the story.. *cough* I'm thinking of Taurel, Duke, Fierdan, and Z *cough*). (@ cutepups: what are you even saying..?) 

• New skit idea: Duke sings (obnoxiously/terribly.. which I think is ironic since I really like hearing his regular and singing voice in my head.. lmao) a song (possibly a rap? featuring Finny? idk why Finny but I keep on imagining him being a sick rapper) about Grinding Coffee TM. (@ cutepups: oh god pls no don't do this) 

• Wow, I throw too much sh¡t at Duke. Like honestly. It's funny though. To me it is. Duke, wtf, I love and hate him so freaking (!!) much. 

• It's now the fourth marking period for me. Which is the last one of the school year. Which means the school year is almost over. Oh geez! 

• I'm hoping on following through with my plan on posting more poetry and Cutepups Support than posts like these that are unorganized and I ramble on about whatever. 

• But I also want to rant sometimes too. I'm a little uncomfortable with writing it down, but I feel like I also have to write it down. Because, like, sometimes when I read over what I write when I'm upset, I realize what I was upset about wasn't as big of a thing as I thought. 

• I'm not sure why, but I think if I go in depth about certain stuff, it'll offend people. And then they'll realize that I'm actually Not Good- I'm Bad. 

• Sorry for ending it like this. I feel manipulative and like a Fake (again). I feel like asking for help more directly would just look like me giving them an excuse on why I'm the way I am. I know I can be mean, but I only regret it after I say it out loud. It's.. ugh. Impulse? Irritability? 

• Maybe I'm so afraid because I don't want to accept (irl.. uhh) that there's a possibility that there's Something Wrong With Me. Teenage angst? Hormones? More than that? Just that? I don't know the truth anymore, and I feel bad about that too. 

• I really think I'm an empathetic and sympathetic person. But it's like I have a lot of trouble expressing my actual feelings and thoughts to other people. That annoys me too. 

• Happy birthday, blog. <3 

Yeah. I just decided to keep the bullet list going. 

Good night.