Post-Midnight Introspection

Hi, fellow blog viewers. 

I feel like I haven't made a post about what's been going on in my life, in a while. Like.. straight out. 

I'm tired now (who would've guessed), so I'll probably continue on into another post. 

So, let's go!~

It's 1 am. But don't worry too much (even though I know none of you are). I go to school a few hours later than normal. 

So I get to sleep in. For the past two days (also had school starting later), I kept on waking around the same time I wake up for school regularly. But without an alarm. So maybe if I go to sleep later, I won't wake up at the same time. 

Honestly, I'm such a mess of a person. I identity as a freaking mess. That's me. I'm a mess. 

I don't get how my peers can supposedly only wake up naturally after 9 am or something like that. And how they can't wake up on their own at like, idk, 6 or 7 am. Like.. that just blows my mind. Because like, I wake up very early in the morning for a few minutes before going back to sleep. I can wake up at 6 without an alarm, well, sometimes. And I literally can not sleep for more than 7 hours at once. My body won't let me, and it sucks. Getting at least 8 and a half hours of sleep per night is supposedly the amount that teens' need, but like.. I can't do that. 

Uh.. I'm not that proud of that skit, to be honest. Eh whatever. 

I hope I'll be able to post more poems soon. I keep on losing motivation to do that though. 

I get angry so easily. It just proves the fact that I'm probably a Bad Person TM. Because I snap at people easily. I get irritated a lot. :( 

I hate how I'm constantly thinking I don't actually have anxiety and depression symptoms. I'm like, "nah, it's not that bad lol," but then when I read articles and articles on the two, I'm like, "dang, I relate to all/nearly all of this." And geez, I just want myself to stop. @ me, just stop. Stop it. 

I read a lot of them lol. Like, a lot. Kinda makes me think I'm a nerd. 

Depression, emotional pain can feel the same as physical pain, more sensitive to things, getting angry more, feeling either too emotional or emotionless, blank empty sadness.. oh me? Me. I feel that. 0/1000. Bad feel. Do not recommend. 

I hate how I devalue the severity of my anxiety so much. In videos, they'll explain it like, "has so much anxiety, they can't even leave their house." And I think that's why? Because I technically can leave my house. I can go to school. I can go other places. But do I see a point in doing so? Especially going to places beside school? Not really. Do I fear what others think of me? Yeah. 

Basically, I'm constantly like, "it's not that bad, it could be so much worse and more debilitating." And.. god, I hate it so much. Just kill the thoughts, please die. 

Take a few hours ago, for instance. I was at a school banquet. 

To cut to the chase, every student who attended had to go up front to receive a plaque and handshake a few people up there. The person announcing our names also said out loud our future plans for after high school. 

(it was a senior banquet btw) 

So anyway, my name is toward the very end of the alphabet. That means I had to wait until nearly everyone else already got up to receive their plaques and shake hands. No big deal, right? 

But, like I said, I'm basically the literal definition of a mess. I kept on worrying which way I would get up and walk up front to them. I kept on worrying if anyone besides my parent would clap for me or not (others did though, few is still something). I kept on worrying if I would shake hands and receive the plaque without making things awkward or me messing it up somehow. I kept on worrying if I should go this way or that way when going up. I kept on worrying over whether people would comment on my choice of college, major, and career plan. Which is a lot of worrying. Anxiety? Yeah, still have that. Maybe that's also gotten worse. Just like my depression symptoms. (fml) 

It's annoying because whenever I think of telling either of my parents about getting help and all that mental health stuff, I hear my parents yelling/arguing over (9 times out of ten) something that's not even a big deal. Anyway, I'm terrified of yelling and confrontation. So then I lose all hopes of ever telling them because (a) my dad is freaking pissed already, and (b) my mom already feels pretty horrible, and (c) I feel guilty for talking about my feelings to people irl, and (d) I don't want to burden them even more by telling them about my issues since I already view myself as a human burden who shouldn't be here alive still. 

It f*cking sucks. : ) 

I drink my water, I eat my vegetables and fruits, so why tf am I still so unhealthy? What a ripoff. :/ 

Know what's a pet peeve of mine? It's when people (like your (my) friend/s) casually say stuff like "kms" so often. I'm sorry, but at this point, if I ever hear someone casually say that outta nowhere, it probably pisses me off. Well, it all has to do with who I hear say it. And yeah, everyone has their own troubles and life is sh¡t. I get that, okay? And then I'm like, "uhuh ok *nods* same." Which tells a lot about my conversation skills, but that's beside the point.

What really pisses me off is hearing people in my life say "kms" so much, but then they get so offended and all that when I literally have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for the past few years and it's just gotten a ton worse the past year and a half especially. "Why don't you care?" "Why are you like that?" "Don't you want money?" "Let's get all this work done today before we do anything else." Like.. tf?? You tell me you want to "kms" but when I actually show outwardly as well as inwardly how much motivation I lack, and that I don't care because I don't care about my life because all I can think about consistently is how much I don't want to be here and I want to actually die unlike you.. it annoys me so much. And I also, more than ever now I've realized, have so many depression and anxiety symptoms. Why do I overreact and snap at you so easily? How about you live in my head and in my body and feel the emotional pain turning physical until your body is in pain all over every day? How about you live with how frustrating it is knowing what you're doing is harmful but not being able to change behaviors and actions on your own in time? I already feel guilty all the time because I know to any other person probably, my life seems so much easier than yours. Friend, I know your parents are pretty awful, but so are mine. I'm still f*cked up over things that happened between my parents and me, two years ago. Never mind four or five months ago. Every time I snap at someone close to me, I always feel such immense guilt afterwards. I wish I could stop before saying anything (words, body language), but I can't. And I hate myself so f*cking much for it. I have so much flaming anger beneath my calm, outer layer. So yeah, inconveniences and not believing me without explaining anything do let my anger out. So yeah, I am irritable. I know I'm not that good of a person. I know I'm bad. 

Basically, don't be an ass. Don't say things like: 

- "I want to kms" 

- "I'm so depressed"

- "I have so much anxiety (over this assignment)"

- "I'm ocd"

- etc, etc.

And then basically demonize and give looks like "wtf is wrong with that person" when they actually show signs of those illnesses. And yeah, there are warning signs for suicide. It's not like "oh i want to kms" and that's it. There's so much more to it than just that, and I think a lot of people who say that at my school don't get it, so I usually get pissed off whenever I hear that three word phrase. 

Anxiety over a homework assignment? I know school can be absolute stressful as hell. But how about being anxious in certain social situations, you know your thoughts are irrational, but you can't stop yourself from thinking those thoughts because they're so rooted in who you are as a person at this point. The anxiety doesn't just fully leave 100% like when the assignment is finished, the test was taken, the project was presented. It stays. Yeah, anxiety loosens its grip on you when the things are done, but it's still there. And then the anxiety goes off of what you did. Did you do it correctly? How did you do? Etc, idk. 

I'm tired. It's 2 am.