just another random thought

Hi, I'm back again. 

I'm even more annoyed at myself right now. Ever since this afternoon, I planned on finishing at least one of my poems (they're all currently wips btw). Then right after I finished replying to weeks' old comments, I felt absolutely no motivation to work on them. 

I'm thinking of just leaving them be. What if I just post short poems? Hmm. 

(Disclaimer: I changed my mind. I'm going to list more than one single thought in this post.) 

Ok so. Yeah. 

Honestly, I've been feeling so blank/empty these past few days. I actually feel like nothing. Even more so than how I usually am. 

I'm not sure why, but I think it's because I'm disappointed in some things and how they are? Maybe it's because I've been this way *gestures vaguely* for years now? Maybe it's because of my family? Like.. idk lol. 

I can't even talk to people because I don't feel enough of any emotion right now and for the past few days. 

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Why am I still so hesitant on asking for help? I seriously don't think I can handle certain issues on my own anymore, and they know that (they know!), and yet I still can't bring myself to tell them straightforward that I need help or I probably will struggle even more with the whole concept of living as an adult. And it frustrates me so much! Why am I so afraid that they're not gonna believe me/guilt trip me/yell at me? Just.. why?! Most of the time (which means most days) I share most of the symptoms. And half of me thinks it's illogical, the other half says it's logical when I think I started it off by faking it and I still am faking it and that all I'll ever be is a fake. Maybe I did start it by "faking it" and only wanting a pity party for myself, but am I still a fake? I don't know! I don't think I am anymore, but what if I am? What if there's nothing wrong with me other than I'm shy and an introvert? But living the way I am hurts so freaking much. It's literally painful. If it's "all in my head," then why does it physically hurt all over? Therapy,, doctors,, telling people irl,, aaaaaahhhhh.

I also have read and watched videos on how to ask for help about it. I do that quite a lot. And yet I never formally did that. So I also feel fake about that. 

It's frustrating! I hate being this way! 

Why do one day they act like there's so much wrong with me so much so that I can barely function, and then the next day act like nothing's wrong with me? It's basically the same when they yell at me and then act like everything is totally okay a few hours or a day later. 

.............................:..//./::

Oh and here's the actual random thought: 

I'm thinking of going back to doing that Cutepups Support blog segment I barely started. So, should I? 

If you don't know what I mean by that, it's basically post ideas I have that are about positivity and mental health. 

I really don't know if I should bother. I might have some ideas on what to post about, though. 

So yeah. I'm done with posting today. 

Bye.