6. Tired of These Dreams

[TW. Language Warning. Disturbing Content Mentioned.]  

i'm tired, okay?

i'm so goddamn tired

and i will fall asleep 

eventually. 

like i always do

every single goddamn day

or night. 

i don't know the difference between 

day and night

it's all the same to me now. 

i'm really getting tired of these dreams:

watching a loved one die.

hearing about their death or..

or watching them die in front of me.

having to kill someone 

to get what i want.

.. it was just a baby.

i didn't mean to

i didn't want to kill 

just so i could have lunch. 

imagining myself as a legitimate ghost

watching over my family 

from above 

from who knows where. 

and hearing them talk about me

to my siblings' kids 

about me, the third child

.. the one who killed herself.

opening up about my mental state 

all out or nothing 

no filter 

no bullshit 

just the honest truth 

that i am falling apart 

and no goddamn thing is okay.

getting help 

probably through some therapy 

but i don't know.

it all disappears into nothing 

when the session is supposed to start. 

i am getting obsessed with getting help

that it's invading my dreams 

but they always end before i can 

receive any of their help. 

damn it 

i really need some.

driving in the car

at an intersection 

red light

light rain

close to sunset.

crash

crash

crash

you didn't just kill your self 

you killed the people in the other cars too.

god damn it 

you're a fucking monster

and the blood is on your hands. 

no wonder you wake up 

with your skin bleeding.

i hate you so much

and of course 

this you is me. 

driving in the car again 

but all alone this time.

long untraveled road 

bends and bends 

and it never seems to end. 

and i'm so lost 

i don't know where i'm going 

where the hell was i driving to?

i'm so sick of these turns

i don't want to be lost anymore.

i want to be found

(find me). 

i'm so goddamn tired

of these dreams.

i just want to rest

but that'll only happen 

when i dig my own grave

and rest in there.

this poem is a fucking mess

i know that it's shit. 

it's nearly 2 am

and i feel so 

fucked up. 

please show me how to 

make it all stop. 

i'm very tired

so please 

make them stop terrorizing me.

all these scenarios i've mentioned are dreams 

i actually did have 

at least once 

in the past month or two. 

kill the dreams before they kill me.