idk what this is nor why i’m writing it

So… it’s December. The winter/summer solstice happened. It’s officially winter now. Wow. 

It’s been yet another hot minute since I stepped in here. Made a post. So, uh, I’ll say “hi” to the void. Hi, void. Hello, world. 

I’ve gone through lots of changes lately. It’s almost 2023. That’s crazy. I have a part-time job, and I’ll be starting a Real Job (that’s also remote which I like) pretty soon. It might be the closest thing I ever had to a “dream job” I have to admit. 

I feel like we’ve all grown up. I never really counted myself as part of that, but yeah, I really have grown up. I’m starting, slowly but surely, to feel more like an actual adult. Barely, but now it’s way more than 1%. 

I’ve also been working on my Etsy shop. I put up two new listings a few hours ago. So… that’s something. 

I think it’s crazy that I keep remembering December 19th as being Duke’s/Fierdan’s birthdays. I swear, it’s become a date I just randomly remember, like how I remember the birthdays of the friends I lost or my former classmates that I haven’t been in contact with for years. Anyway, December 19th was a few days ago. It wasn’t a good day for me, if I’m being honest. Not all bad but… well, I had lots of frustrations and inconveniences that day. December 20th was much better. And today (December 21st) was just “meh”. 

About Fierdan, I remember I kept saying that I see him as a 22 year old but that he’s also always gonna be a few years older than me. And now it’s 2022 which means I’m 22, and… this all sounds so crazy. In my head, of course; this is probably irrelevant to anyone else. But recently, I started visualizing Fierdan as being my peer, my same age or very close to it, and… it doesn’t feel weird or creepy anymore. It just… is. 

Know what’s also crazy? I haven’t been obsessing over him or my other characters for a while now. As in a long time. I’m a bit afraid that I’ll forget them and everything I created involving them. It’s a pretty scary thought. Like, what if all of this is a phase and it’s ending soon? Yeah, uh, sorry about that. I’m not making sense, am I? 

What else, what else? … It’s Hanukkah. I sometimes daydream about Ryen saying “Happy Hanukkah” which feels absurd yet comforting to me. Don’t ask why; I don’t know. 

*rapidly changes topics again* Oh and I’m autistic. It’s a totally unsurprising confirmation of a surprise if I say so myself. Can’t understand that last sentence? Exactly. That’s the point. 

I’m not sure if I ever actually said it on the blog since I got my diagnosis, so there it is, out in the open. I feel like it probably explains a lot of my behavior and my obsessions in my blog posts over the years. Like, geez, no neurotypical blogger would blog like this (*gestures vaguely at my whole blog lmao*). 

Also, confession time: I lost the number of times that I felt scared of checking anything having to do with this blog. Another unsurprising surprise. I can’t believe I felt so much shame, embarrassment, and fear over this very small corner of the internet that I created for myself. And for what? Why did I let this happen and not do anything about it for so long? 

To anyone who commented anywhere on this blog in 2021 and 2022 and never received any acknowledgment from me… I’m sorry. I kept running and hiding away from here. I refused to see you. But now I do. I see you. 

… I have no idea what I’m even writing tbh; just go with it. 

This has to be both and equally the best and worst thing I’ve ever created. What exactly? All of this. Everything.