Windswept Fantasy Picrew (June 2023)

Hi, I'm finally here with the Picrew post. Yippee! :D

I feel like I haven't posted images of what my characters look like in a long time.

(I'm too lazy to do my own art, ok shh. Besides, I think I don't give my characters justice since I think I draw them ugly and inaccurate anyway lmao—)

Ever wonder "Hmm, what do these characters in these skits look like?" Well, don't fear any longer! I am here to dump Picrew designs. :)

I've been telling myself to post this before June ends (aka Pride Month), so I'm here rapidly typing away on my laptop keyboard on a night on the last few days left in this month. Procrastination is my specialty. *internally screams (whatever that means)* :')

Anyway, a few more notes before I begin showing the pictures...

Hey, I'm Shan or Shyrah. Feel free to call me either. I also go by spiritixsw on other places online. I guess you can call me that too, if you want. Sure. 

I'm also a big shrug emoji when it comes to pronouns. Hold on, let me find it. ... 🤷 ... ok, there we go. Call me he, she, they, ey... whatever really. I don't really have any strong pronoun preference. 

This blogger and blog is queer!! raaaaa rraaahhha hhhh !!!!1!1!!!!!!1!!!1!! 🌈 😈

Well, this is no surprise. I've been here for years. I've been writing and planning for years. Sure, I might be more open and explicit about certain things, but like, all this not-being-cishet stuff didn't suddenly pop up this year. 

*shoves my paranoia creeping up on me into the corner, under my dirty laundry* :-) 

Back to talking Picrew, how I designed my characters on the one I'll be showing today probably influenced me the most while writing the recent Confessions skits. I just really, really like how I designed my characters on it. Ignoring some of the details (*cough* fantastical stuff *cough*), these pictures of them feel like the closest I've gotten my characters to look, well, outside of just being in my head.

Just like how I used to, I'll insert the link first and then show the images. Of course and as always, it's not my art, I never claimed it was/is, I'm just designing myself and my characters on the Picrew for fun. 

Got that? Great! Now I can start. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Picrew link: Windswept Oc Maker

Before showing some of my characters, I'll show how I designed myself on it. I like designing me on these things as well, after all. It's fun. :)

Me! :D

I forgot if I ever talked about it on here, but I love dragons. And so, of course I was going to add a little dragon friend to accompany windswept fantasy Picrew me. 

Obviously. Like, come on, that's a given. lol  

I made this back in early March before I got my haircut in May for my birthday (my hair was long before that happened), but the hair pretty much looks like how it looks now. The thick and curly (naturally as straight as my sexuality lmao (aka it clearly isn't)) hair, the hair in the face.. it looks like me and I like that. Ok, that's all. <3

Wait. One other thing. I also really want that outfit. That shirt, that jacket.. gimme. I want them. 

Enough rambling about myself. OC time!~

-x-x-x-

Jack! My ja boi! Him! !!!

I don't know why, but this particular picture of him makes me so happy for some reason..? Like, I don't even know. It just does. 

Ignoring that his eyes don't look as blue-gray as I visualize them, I forgot why I made him wear a vest (cool design but why did I choose that as his outfit? idk lol), and gave him a random pair of earrings I like and which match that outfit... I really like how he turned out. 

Ok, ok. I love the hair. It might be the closest to how I visualize it that I've been able to achieve from using a Picrew. The shape, the length, the few white streaks in those places.. just yes. Yes. <3

As for the cards, that's just his vibe. Playing cards, card games. 2 of Hearts, how romantic (ok not really but shh). I think it would feel more iconic if he was holding up a jack card, but oh well, this is good enough. 

I also like his face shape in this one. Makes me think "Yeah, that's my Jack OC. That's ja boi, alright."

-x-x-x-

Dylan! He/Him. !!!

I didn't plan on making him have white hair, but they don't have the colors I usually associate with him as hair color options in this Picrew. That's fine since I actually really like how he looks with white hair here. 

He's supposed to have light, bright blue eyes. I wouldn't call them pale blue. Eh, I tried my best. 

Also, he's not supposed to be angry. His face is supposed to look neutral, a neutral facial expression. I feel like he doesn't smile that often when his picture is taken or when he takes selfies. As for the eyebrows, I think they fit him. Don't ask, idk why lol, they just do. 

Oh and I think he looks more masculine in this picture compared to most other times I designed him on a Picrew. That's probably a result of me thinking and fleshing out his character more. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. 

Yes, I know, another male character I'm obsessed with. Pfft. Ok but I'm obsessed with some of my female characters too. Like, gosh dang, they're pretty and occasionally my head gets full of gay thoughts like "women <3 mm." (idk what I'm even saying lmao. Basically, I think that my adult female characters are also beautiful/hot/gorgeous. It's not exclusive to men, even though I write about my male characters much more often.)

I'm getting distracted. Moving on...~

-x-x-x-

Fierdan! Fire Dan! Danny boy! !!!

I feel like the outfit I chose for him fits him well. Why the sword earring? I mean, why the hell not? It looks very cool. Why the gold dragon? I'm not exactly sure, maybe because it goes with the outfit. Or maybe because dragons are known to breathe fire (not all, of course) and he's fire man. *shrugs* idk lol, just roll with it. 

I like how his hair looks here. I imagine it being mostly straight, but it can also look wavy sometimes. I think it looks cute. ^-^

Unsurprisingly, I designed Fierdan before my other characters. I made all of them during this month though. 

He's the only male I designed with lips (colored lips?) because he's special. <3 Ok well, more like I didn't like that mouth option without the lips. It didn't feel right. I think I have a thing for designing him with his tongue sticking out like that. I don't know why. To show him being obnoxious and seductive (what's his personality besides that and depression and rage? uh lmao-)? Anyway, I like how the teeth look too. Sharp. Oh, hello there. *blushes (silly tone but also uwu)*

Before I move on, I'm going to briefly talk about height. 

Ok so, most of my adult male characters are nearly 6 feet tall or taller. Except two (that I know for sure): Dylan and Fierdan. Dylan is around 5'6" so, let's say, Jack (who is around 5'11") teases Dylan by calling him short because he's around half a foot shorter. Is Dylan shorter because he isn't a cis guy? Well, yeah. 

Fierdan is honestly just being petty whenever he calls Dylan short since he's only a few inches taller than him, and he's shorter than Jack and his brother. Fierdan is around 5'9" for context. I'm saying "around" since those heights might not be exactly accurate. They probably are, but there's a slight chance that they might not be. Anyway yeah, Fierdan is smaller than Jack, haha. In height but weight too. I wouldn't call Fierdan too skinny where it looks concerning, but he's definitely thinner than Jack (I imagine Jack having more muscle tone, like more muscle mass, that kind of thing). So maybe Fierdan isn't that intimidating physically, hahaha. 

-x-x-x-

Ryen! Ry Ry! Rye bread! *imagines Ryen glaring at me* Alright, fine. It's Ryen. 

You know, that dude. Fierdan's brother. Him. He's the older and taller brother, which I feel might be weird, but oh well. That's just how they are. 

I feel like Ryen holding a pen fits him. Why? I don't know, man. What else..? Oh, his outfit! I really like it. I think it looks excellent on him. I also want to steal it for myself. *laughs evilly (silly tone)* >:)

I also really like his hair. I visualize Ryen's hair as more wavy than Fierdan's. More curls, more oomf (texture/volume) to it. 

And I like how his face appears in this image. He doesn't look angry or fed up for once. He mostly just feels tired and done with the other characters' drama and other crap. Guys, I have to admit it. I think Ryen looks cute here. I usually don't associate him with looking cute, but I just think he is in this one picture. 

-x-x-x-

Dawn! She! My best nature and healer girl! I love! <3

Of course I associate plants with her. And green. She's Dawn. It just makes sense. Yes, she's not associated with the sun or light, but she's Dawn. That's just who she is. Her name still has lots of meaning and makes lots of sense. Ok, ok, ok. 

I'm not sure how obvious it is, but her face is supposed to be more round than most of the other characters. She has a round, fuller face. She's also not like a skinny twig like some of my other characters (*glances at Fierdan and Stella*) lmao. 

-x-x-x-

And their (Ryen, Fierdan, and Dawn's) mother, C. Yeah, it's C. 

She's.. mm.. problematic. Not the best mom by far. Pretty questionable. She also wrote all those Books of C. There are several volumes. What are they even about? Haha, like I'd reveal that now. Which.. no. I'm not. 

I like the effects I put on her face (near the eyes) and the shadow over the top half of her face. It makes her look old, which yeah, she would be older than the other characters. She's dead by the time her children are in their 20s, but like, she lived past her 20s. So yeah. 

She's supposed to look hauntingly/extremely beautiful (why I designed her a certain way on Picrews in the past), but I like how I was able to show her looking more aged in this one. 

As for her outfit, I associate purple (usually darker shades), black, and gold with her. I think that cape or whatever it's called suits her. C. would have worn that, something like it. And she can have a little black dragon friend because why not. It fits how I see her.. kind of, very vaguely. 

-x-x-x-

Sabrina! Sparkle! Sabby? lol *shrugs*

My girly, very pretty young woman character. She! <3

I actually really like and appreciate her character development. (Not talking about all the skits I've written) She's supposed to not be likable for a long time, but my plans for her involve her growing a ton, and.. I respect her so much. She's a character that I can't see my personality traits in, so I can't empathize with her as much as most of my other characters, but I still like her a lot. At first, I only created her to be an obnoxious pink-obsessed bitch, and it took me a while to realize that it's stupid for her to be a one-dimensional very feminine "mean girl" character, but now I see her as so much more. She's way more than just that, I swear, it just takes a while for her to realize and unlearn some things. *glances at the first half of the Confessions 8 skit* Well, that's a starting point. I haven't really written about Sabrina (Sparkle) seriously in the main story context before. 

Anyway, about this particular image of her. I really like that shirt. It reminds me a little of this cute top I have. :3

And her hair. I love it. The color, the waves.. beautiful. <3 

Pink flowers for her because why not. Fits her vibe, her aesthetic. Oh and I added pink petals (wondering if they're supposed to be cherry blossoms) to be extra. ^-^

-x-x-x-

Ardere! Ardie! My golden sunshine lightning boy! :')

I just had to design him because this hair option reminds me a lot of his hair color. I also like how I made his hair look (messy and vaguely spiky). Like, that's him. This is my boy! Yes, yes, yes! <3

And yes, he does have golden eyes too. So golden. Go shine, my boy. 

Now why does he have a gold dragon? Because of the color, obviously. Well, also because I feel like he'd befriend dragons if he could. 

One last thing. I sometimes want to design Ardere wearing formal/fancy/royalty clothes, but I never did/do. I keep making him only wear casual, everyday clothes. I mean, it fits his personality and vibes better, but also I am sighing at myself. You don't understand, of course you don't, it's okay. This is fine.

-x-x-x-

Well, that took a long time for me to type. I didn't expect it to take this long. I initially planned on adding another Picrew or two for this post, but now I'm thinking "Nah, this post is long enough as it is." So there's that. 

No, I didn't design Stella on this Picrew. It doesn't have her hair color, not even her before-it-turned-blue hair color, so it would be.. difficult. I just don't think it's worth it to bother over, to even make an attempt. Except if I make her have white hair like what I did with Dylan, but idk. :/

The closest color would be the color I chose for Ardere's hair, but also like, Stella's hair is still a very different color than his. 

I might design other characters, but I'm not sure. I'm considering Brock, Red (her skit name, that's not her actual name lol), and Elias (I haven't written about that character much in general, and I forgot if anyone recognizes that name and appearance tbh). 

But yeah, Elias needs more appreciation. My character development and depth for that character is still very low though. I need to work on that. 

Ok, ok. I'm very tired now. I spent a few hours working on this post with no breaks. The humidity is making my skin feel very sticky and gross, and the tips of my fingers currently feel like they're on fire every time I tap on my keyboard. Like ok, ouch. This does not feel great. Ugh, I should stop. 

Next Picrew post will feature images more suitable for Pride Month (aka there will be pride flags). But will I post it before July begins? Maybe, maybe not. *shrugs*

I will probably insert some of these pictures from this post in future posts to prove my points on things. Yeah, I phrased that vaguely. I know. 

Me @ Me: Ugh ow, end this post already. Geez, come on! 

... ok fine. 

Now there are faces to my characters to accompany all my recent skit posts. There are so many, I feel like. Character appearances refresher. Well, kind of. Not for all of them, clearly. 

I always feel like my characters are influencing me whenever I write a skit post. They're definitely affecting things and making me write down certain things. I'm an outsider. It's not just me. It's them, not me, at least not fully, like I don't feel completely conscious and in control but I am but also not. And I feel like I intrude on them in scenes a lot like I'm invading their privacy, but I'm their creator and have everything that makes them be who they are in my head, so of course I'm the one writing it all out. (gibberish, functioning error, brain go brrrrr)

Uh.. what—

My bad lol. Meant to type "Good night" instead. 

Good night. It's time for me to zzz. Sleepy time. 

~ Shan/Shyrah 

Confessions 8 (skit)

Hi again. It’s time for part 8 of the Confessions skit story. Oh geez. 

Well, it’s been yet another week. I can’t believe it’s the end of June already. Where did the time go? 

And I said to myself I would post images of my character designs (Picrew, I mean) this month. Dang, I should do that. I have to remind people about what my characters look like. I love how I designed them on the ones I used this month. Oh wait. I still have a few other ones I’ve been delaying on showing since last fall. I really should post those pictures. It’s been way too long. 

Anyway, I’ll go back to focusing on the skits. I now have ideas for how to end the Confessions and move on to a new skit story. It’s a lot. Lots of things happen. I know this particular one is a mix of “What is the point of all this? What is going on? When will it end? How many thoughts does this Shan person have about their characters? I feel weird/uncomfortable reading this...” but I assure you that yes, there is an end and a point (or several) to it all. I just have.. well, let’s just say a ton of thoughts about my characters. Unsurprisingly. And everything I’ve written in the skits so far is just the tip of the iceberg.

Confessions is loosely based on story ideas I have involving my characters well into “book 2” which takes place nearly a year after the events in “book 1”. Some events, of course, are just for the skits and for fun. 

A few days ago, it was the summer solstice. It’s summer for me now. However, all of these Confessions parts (and the few untitled skits leading up to them) take place during the late winter in late February or early March.  

Yes, I’m saying that for a reason. Everything has a reason. Yes. 

What else…

I don’t want to repeat the same thing I said before part 7 (the previous post), but it applies even more to this part. The interpersonal conflicts, the unhealthy behaviors.. and how the majority of my characters aren’t exactly good people (they’re all problematic <3 lol). 

What can I say? I love fictional drama. >:) <3 

Now it’s time for the list of content warnings for part 8. 

**WARNINGS: strong/explicit language, interpersonal conflict, smoking and mentions of (harder, stronger, illegal) drugs and addiction, homophobia and other forms of bigoted views regarding romantic and sexual orientations (not sure what to exactly call it), mentions of negative body image, mentions of sexual content and sex-negative language. Most of these are for the second half. 

—————————————

[The same day, that afternoon. Sabrina (who I used to call Sparkle) wanted to meet with Stella (who I used to call Twinkle). They’re outside the building where all the other skits have been taking place in. Well, they’re a few blocks away, walking on the sidewalk of a street with stores one after the other. They’re both dressed for the cold winter weather, but Stella might have put on too much out of fear, making sure her lower face and hair are covered since she doesn’t want any potential enemy or threatening person to recognize her. She runs up to Sabrina who is standing next to a streetlight, panting and lowering her face mask as she approaches the taller girl checking something on her phone before putting it in her coat pocket.] 

Stella: *still panting* I’m here, I’m here. 

Sabrina: *waves* I can see that. Hi, Stella. Thanks for agreeing to meet with me. 

Stella: *looks quickly around her before raising her face mask to cover her face again* Why did you want to meet here of all places? You know it’s not safe—

Sabrina: *cutting her off* You worry too much. 

Stella: Look, I don’t think—

Sabrina: *raises a hand indicating Stella to stop talking* It’s good to step outside every once in a while. You stay cooped up in that place far too much. You should get out every once in a while. *spots the name of the closest store and grins* As for why I brought you here, well, it’s because I’m in the mood to go shopping. 

Stella: *rolls eyes* And you had to bring me along? 

Sabrina: Yes, of course. I want to talk with you. 

Stella: Is this really necessary, Sabrina? 

Sabrina: Of course it is. And by the way, you can call me Sabby. I’ve been considering using that as a nickname. 

Stella: *frowns* Sabby. 

Sabrina: What’s wrong with Sabby? *sighs* I guess Bri could be another nickname I could use. That doesn’t start with an S though. 

Stella: Sabby just sounds.. I don’t know.. silly. I didn’t expect you to want to be called that.

Sabrina: You don’t know much about me, Stella. *twirls a lock of hair around her finger* Except if you’d rather go back to calling me Sparkle like back in the day. Ah, that brings back memories. Remember when I used to call you Twinkle Tinkle? *smiles* 

Stella: Nope. I’d rather not remember. 

Sabrina: *laughs and pats Stella’s shoulder* That’s completely fair. I don’t even know why I was so cruel to you in school. I was such a jerk. 

Stella: You bullied me. Relentlessly. *sighs* But the past is in the past. You’re actually not that bad of a person when you’re not mindlessly following the commands of.. well, evil people.

Sabrina: Evil people! Yeah, I guess that’s right. *sighs* I aligned with assholes for far too long. I regret it and my past decisions and actions all the time. 

Stella: Well, I feel relieved knowing that you’re capable of feeling remorse. 

Sabrina: *stares at the same store* Yeah. Like, holy shit, why was I such a homophobic piece of shit? *lets out a long breath* Duke deserved better than the shit I gave him all the times he tried telling me. I mean, damn. *turns around to face Stella* You don’t know about any of that, do you? Well, I’m not getting into that now. You do know that he lived at my parents’ house for some time at least, right? 

Stella: *nods* 

Sabrina: Yeah. And it’s crazy thinking about how much he must have suppressed that side of himself. I just thought he had very high standards and preferences for a very specific type, but you.. you… Damn, you two not-romantics were perfect for each other. 

Stella: *stares at the frost glittering off the streetlight and on the street curb* Hmm, yeah…

Sabrina: It must have been such a shock to you. For so long you had to have assumed Duke was straight. I mean, he really was into you, right? 

Stella: Uh.. yeah. I believe so. *face gets a little red* Fierdan told me not that long ago. 

Sabrina: Fierdan, huh? Interesting. Did you know that I refer to him as Updated Duke in my head? 

Stella: Well, Fierdan as he is now isn’t simply an older Duke. It’s more complex than just that. 

Sabrina: Anyway, *rubs her hands together* when did you learn that Duke had a crush on Finny long before getting with you? 

Stella: *adjusts the hat on her head* I’m not exactly sure. It had to be several months in. 

Sabrina: Interesting. It had to feel that way he liked you while also being a guy into other guys. 

Stella: Well.. uh.. you know. Duke was.. Fierdan is.. bi. It’s possible to be attracted to more than one gender. 

Sabrina: Ah, that’s true. I keep on thinking Fierdan is gay since he’s dating Jack and doesn’t talk about women like that. Then again, he’s in a relationship with another man, so that’s probably why. 

Stella: A bisexual person dating a person of the opposite sex doesn’t mean they’re straight and the opposite doesn’t mean they’re homosexual, in case you didn’t know. 

Sabrina: Yeah, that’s true. I’m still learning and trying to be a good ally. 

Stella: Well, it’s good that you’re trying. Lots of cisgender straight people don’t bother changing their views or educating themselves on queer identities and issues. 

Sabrina: *nods* But don’t you think that Fierdan has a bigger preference for men than women? 

Stella: *sighs* Maybe. I don’t know. He’s definitely still attracted to women. Last night… *shakes head* 

Sabrina: Hmm? *sighs* No, I won’t pry. Since we’re on the topic of bi, I’m thinking Brock is. 

Stella: Brock is what? 

Sabrina: Also bi. Look, I’m not pulling this out of my ass. We had a talk and he mentioned how he’s been questioning his sexuality for a while now. 

Stella: Is that so? 

Sabrina: Mhmm. I also tried making Dawn open up about hers, but she wouldn’t. I didn’t force her or anything, to be clear. 

Stella: Hmm, I have no idea about Dawn. I doubt she’s straight, but I don’t know. 

Sabrina: If she’s straight, she could’ve just said that. Maybe she’s also questioning. I’m not sure why else she couldn’t say. 

Stella: She’s probably not ready to come out yet. I mean, yeah, it’s more intimidating to come out to straight people, but it also can be when telling other queer people. 

Sabrina: I’m just so curious. I want to know so badly. 

Stella: *rolls eyes* It’s not about you. Besides, Dawn could simply not label her sexual orientation. 

Sabrina: Unlabeled, huh? What’s the point in that? 

Stella: *frowns* Would you still say that if she just comes out as queer? 

Sabrina: Well, I… Hey, let’s go inside. *points to the entrance to the closest store* 

Stella: Do I have a choice? 

Sabrina: *shrugs* 

[A cold breeze passes by, and the two enter the store. Upon entering, Stella realizes it’s a beauty store selling hair care and skin care products, makeup, and similar items. She follows Sabrina down the aisles until they stop at one selling eyeshadow. A variety of eyeshadow palettes of all different types from natural colors featuring different shades of brown to ones with bolder colors featuring different shades of pink and purple and blue are scattered on the shelves. Stella looks overwhelmed as she sees all the options while Sabrina casually picks up two palettes, one with black and shades of brown and gold, the other with several shades of pink and purple with glitter in them.] 

Stella: You really like makeup, huh? 

Sabrina: *frowns at the prices* Huh? Well, yeah. 

Stella: Why? 

Sabrina: Why do I like makeup? 

Stella: I mean… *sighs* Yeah, I guess. 

Sabrina: *looks up from the eyeshadow palettes in her hand to Stella’s face* Is there something wrong with me for liking it? 

Stella: Uh, well, no. Of course not. It’s just that.. uh.. do you need to buy more? Your makeup looks perfect as always. I.. I like your eyeshadow and eyeliner today. *blushes* 

Sabrina: Oh! *smiles* Well, thank you. Really. You’re sweet. 

Stella: *drags the hood of her jacket further down, making sure it covers her forehead* No.. No problem. 

Sabrina: You can take that off, by the way. We’re indoors now, in case you forgot. 

Stella: I.. I know. I’m more comfortable this way. 

Sabrina: *frowns* If you say so. Suit yourself. 

Stella: Alright. 

Sabrina: As for why I like makeup so much, it’s simply because I like how I look with it on. I used to wear it for other people, especially to please men, but now I wear it for myself and other people’s opinions don’t matter. 

Stella: Oh, I see. 

Sabrina: Putting on makeup is a kind of art form. I’m decorating my face, making myself look pretty. Not for any reason other than because I want to. For me. 

Stella: *laughs as she slowly picks up a palette* We’re nothing alike. 

Sabrina: I mean, yeah, we have our share of differences, but we probably have more in common than you think. 

Stella: Really? 

Sabrina: Yeah, I’m trying to stay open-minded. *spots the item in Stella’s hand* Oh, do you want that one? I can pay for it if you want. 

Stella: *puts it back on the shelf* Oh.. uh.. I don’t know. I’m just looking. 

Sabrina: I’m willing to pay. I’m the one who wanted to go shopping, after all. 

Stella: Thanks. I’ll tell you if I want to buy anything. 

Sabrina: Great! Let me know. *puts one of the palettes in her hand back on the shelf before scanning the shelves for a similar one at a better price* 

Stella: *picks up a palette that features various shades of blues as well as silver and black* This one looks interesting. 

Sabrina: *looks over Stella’s shoulder to see it* Ooh, those colors are so pretty! 

Stella: Do you think this is good, or should I just go with a natural palette? Like, nude colors or whatever they’re called?

Sabrina: Choose whatever you want. Which one speaks to you? 

Stella: *groans* Ugh, this is a tough decision. 

Sabrina: You could get two. As long as they’re not too expensive. 

Stella: Hmm… 

[For nearly an hour, the two spend time looking at eyeshadow palettes and then other types of items in the store. They end up buying a few things. By the time they leave, snow flurries are falling down, covering everything outside in a very thin layer of white.] 

———————

[A few hours later. The sun has already set. Jack and Dylan are sitting on a bench outside, closer to the building where the other skits take place in than where Stella and Sabrina are. The snow from earlier has melted. It wasn’t going to stay around for long. Cobblestones go on and on in every direction, and lights decorate the area to make it not completely dark. There is a fountain nearby, the sound of the water acting as good background noise. Jack and Dylan have been talking for a while.] 

Jack: *sighs* I told him about our history. What else do you want from me? 

Dylan: *frowns* Are you saying that you wouldn’t have if I didn’t tell you that you should? 

Jack: Ugh, why do you care about all this shit so much? 

Dylan: Because.. Because… God, you’re insufferable. 

Jack: Oh, am I? I’m the insufferable one? 

Dylan: Yes. 

Jack: I think you’re the insufferable one. How many damn times do I need to repeat myself? 

Dylan: *sighs, leans back* So. You really didn’t tell him everything, huh? I figured. 

Jack: *stomps his foot* I figured! What the hell is that supposed to mean? 

Dylan: You didn’t tell Fierdan everything. 

Jack: Bullshit! I told him we were in a friends with benefits relationship for a few months, all prior to him and me knowing each other. He wasn’t even that surprised when I told him, that fucker. He even had the audacity to tell me “I figured” like I should’ve known better. 

Dylan: Geez. Why are you so angry? Did something happen between you two? 

Jack: No shit. Of course something happened. I fucking hate Fierdan. 

Dylan: *rolls eyes* Sure you do. 

Jack: I do! God… *tightens his fist, his nails digging into his palm* 

Dylan: You didn’t tell him that you had feelings for me. 

Jack: *looks startled for a moment before glaring at Dylan* So what? Fierdan didn’t need to know that. 

Dylan: Oh.. okay. *looks at the ground and swings his legs back and forth* 

Jack: Why do you care so much about the past? Let it go already! 

Dylan: *stops swinging his legs* I wish I could let it go, but I can’t! It hurts knowing that what you once had with me is something you have with him now. Just thinking of us being friends again makes me feel so awkward and.. and scared. *pauses* You hurt me, Jack. 

Jack: *looks confused* The sex? 

Dylan: *face gets red* No, no! *shakes his head* The sex was fine.. great! It was great! I enjoyed it. Our thing wouldn’t have lasted as long as it did if I hadn’t. Except if you didn’t. Then again, I doubt that happened since you became very into me. *sighs* That’s how you hurt me. 

Jack: We were friends who engaged in sexual activity together. What else— 

Dylan: Goddamn it! How do you still not understand? 

Jack: *frowns* What? What don’t I get? 

Dylan: You lied to me and violated my boundaries. I thought I could trust you since we’ve known each other for quite a long time, but I should’ve known you wouldn’t have been any better than if I just chose my first time to be with a stranger. *pauses, shakes head* Or maybe not. Oh my god, it’s all my fucking fault! *gets up and walks toward the fountain* 

Jack: *sighs and follows Dylan* You just need to be better at communicating. I know you struggle with it, but you have to try harder. 

Dylan: Communication! Are you fucking kidding me? I was very clear in my desires and boundaries, and you broke them regardless. Others would too probably, but I thought you wouldn’t since you.. you fucking knew me! And god, my speech is direct and I always get to the point. Most people don’t do that, and it bothers me constantly. Everyone should just say what they mean instead of being sarcastic and passive aggressive or just lying for social etiquette or whatever. 

Jack: That was a dick move on my part. I’m sorry. 

Dylan: *stares at the water* Is it that much to ask for to just want a purely physical relationship with someone? To not want romantic feelings to develop, to not want it to turn into a romantic relationship? *sighs* Platonic, to stay as friends, and sexual. That’s all I wanted. I don’t feel romance, I don’t get romance; it’s all in a foreign language I don’t understand and never will. I desire sex and experience sexual attraction but not romantic attraction, and it’s made me out to be a freak. “Why can’t you commit? Why don’t you settle down? You’re a slut. You’re heartless.” Insult after insult. I am so fucking tired of my identity not being respected in one way or another. 

Jack: Look, you’re not a slut or a man-whore or any of that. 

Dylan: *sighs* Of course I’m not. I’ve only had sex with you, and I only did that because you’re the only guy I trusted who I was willing to have sex with, and.. god, I was curious and feeling more horny than I’ve ever been. HRT gave me hell for it. Testosterone is brutal. No wonder why cis guys are always so damn horny in adolescence. 

Jack: *laughs* The effects of testosterone. Well, welcome to manhood! *picks up a pebble and throws it into the fountain* 

Dylan: I know there are people out there who think I am because I want to have sex but not be in a romantic relationship. “It’s wrong, it’s sinful!” But guess what? I don’t fucking care. People should just mind their own damn business. 

Jack: If you’re still not over me, then damn, you really need to get laid. 

Dylan: *groans* I’d rather not talk about this anymore. 

Jack: *shrugs* Your call. But just know that you don’t have to be afraid of romance. Okay, I’ll admit it. Back then, I did develop romantic feelings for you. Is it really that surprising? Yes, I wanted to date you and become your boyfriend. Am I really such a villain for wanting that? 

Dylan: Yes! You knew I agreed to us being in a friends with benefits relationship and nothing more. Just because you were also single then didn’t mean you could also be like “Hmm, let me tell Dylan that I didn’t listen to him and ask him out to see if romantic love awakens in him some day! He really does love me, he just doesn’t know that yet!” 

Jack: Why are you so stubborn? Were you in a romantic relationship in the past that traumatized you so badly that any chance of being in one again makes you want to run? 

Dylan: No, no. 

Jack: Then why? 

Dylan: Why can’t you just listen to me? For crying out loud, I just don’t want to be in a romantic relationship. Ever. 

Jack: Is it because you’re aromantic? 

Dylan: Yes! Do you get it now? 

Jack: I get what it means, yes, but it makes me feel sad that you’re not open to other possibilities. You’re probably gay if you allow yourself to be. Or bi or pan if you’re not only into men. I don’t know you. Like you said, you don’t have that much sexual experience. And you’re an introvert and not the most welcoming person either. 

Dylan: *frowns* How do you know that you’re not straight? Or bi? 

Jack: What? 

Dylan: Maybe being gay is just a phase, and one day you’ll discover that after all, you’re attracted to women. You love women. 

Jack: I don’t hate women just because I don’t want to date and fuck them. 

Dylan: Okay, okay! That’s really not the point. 

Jack: Then what is? 

Dylan: For me, it’s being aromantic. It’s not a phase for me. Hell, maybe I could call myself gay or bi, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that I’m aro. I know myself better than anyone else. Including you. 

Jack: But how do you know you won’t fall in love with someone in the future some day? 

Dylan: It’s all just hypotheticals. I’d rather live in the here and now and not dwell over something that will or won’t happen. It’s done wonders in treating my anxiety. 

Jack: I just don’t want you to regret your decisions. I don’t want you to live alone. 

Dylan: Don’t act like you care about me. It’s sad how Fierdan is more accepting and understanding of aromanticism, especially not being aroace, than you ever were. And still are, apparently. 

Jack: Fierdan and Duke had a complicated relationship with all types of love and affection, including romantic love. 

Dylan: Or maybe he’s just not a close-minded person. Sure, he’s been weird about me being trans, but that’s only because he was isolated for so long. *shakes head* No, what am I saying? Cis people in general exhaust me. He’s not special. Goddamn, I need to make more trans friends. 

Jack: *finally turns around to face Dylan* Probably. 

Dylan: Why are you pissed off at Fierdan, by the way? 

Jack: *instead of answering, he asks* When Fierdan *puts up air quotes* ‘joked’ *lowers his fingers* about wanting to have sex with you, how did he see you? Does he know how it works? Did you tell him about the strap-on and other sex toys? It’s funny how he assumed you had to be the one getting penetrated because you don’t have a penis. 

Dylan: *starts walking away, his face is red* What the fuck? Holy shit. 

Jack: Do you have any answers? 

Dylan: I don’t fucking know! What about you? You never answered my question. 

Jack: *sighs* Fine. It’s more than just this, but I really didn’t like how he reacted when I told him about our past. From him saying “I figured” to him getting horny after I told him, which then made me horny—

Dylan: Too much information! I don’t need to know all that shit. 

Jack: Oh, right. I guess I’m upset because he told me what he said to you. I know it wasn’t serious, but it still rubbed me the wrong way. 

Dylan: *stops walking, turns around and walks back towards Jack* Oh yeah, that was fucked up. I still have no idea why he did that shit. Stella was there too.. it was in her apartment.. so like, what the hell? *laughs awkwardly* 

Jack: I forgot if Fierdan told me that detail. Holy shit, that’s fucked up. 

Dylan: Oh no, don’t be more angry at him! You feeling this way towards him is scaring me. It’s not like you. Perhaps you should feel happy that he told you all that stuff instead of keeping it to himself. No lies and no secrets is a good thing in intimate relationships, or so I’ve heard.

Jack: Hmm, interesting point. I’ll think about it. *pauses, puts his hands in his jacket pockets* Do I scare you, Dylan? When my veil drops—

Dylan: Well, to tell you the truth, I hate how the others view you like you’re a saint or someone who’s never done anything wrong or bad. 

Jack: Oh, then I live to disappoint! My life is more aligned with sin than sainthood. I’m far from perfect. 

Dylan: That’s right. You’re not a good person.

Jack: Oh, I’m not? *fingers wrap around the objects in his pockets* 

Dylan: Well, you’re not exactly a bad guy either. You have flaws and engaged in lots of.. morally questionable behavior. 

Jack: Don’t worry, I know what you mean. I’ve been a problematic son of a bitch. 

Dylan: No, no, I don’t mean—

Jack: I know you don’t view addiction with moral failing, and I thank you for that, but that’s not what I mean. We both know that I did some fucked up things in the past. If people think I’m a good person who can’t do any bad things, then they’re horribly mistaken. 

Dylan: Okay, yeah, but—

Jack: *sighs* Dylan, please, I’m begging you. 

Dylan: Huh? What?

Jack: *takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from his pockets* Let me be the villain. I’m the real one, after all. *laughs coldly and then lights a cigarette* 

[Jack smokes his cigarette. A few minutes of silence pass by. Dylan just frowns at him.]

Jack: Why are you staring at me like that? Did you forget that I still smoke? 

Dylan: Uh…

Jack: Nicotine and tobacco are nothing compared to the shit I was addicted to. *flips the cigarette around his fingers* I could stop smoking these at any time. 

Dylan: *sighs* Sure you can. 

Jack: What? You don’t believe me? 

Dylan: Not saying that. All I know is nicotine is also highly addictive. It’s also normalized.. and, well, easier to access than those other drugs. 

Jack: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. *flaps his hand, the cigarette between his index and middle fingers* 

Dylan: What? It’s true. 

Jack: Oh, I know. I’m just saying that smoking cigarettes is not as bad as snorting coke or shooting heroin. Both of which I have experience with. 

Dylan: I mean, yeah, I assume they’re different. But you can’t ignore how easier it is to fuel a nicotine addiction than with cocaine or heroin. 

Jack: Whatever you say, Dyl. I was addicted to those two for a few years. Withdrawal was literal hell. *grins as he swings around to face Dylan* No matter what happens, don’t end up like me. Don’t become an addict. It’s not fun.

Dylan: *pats the beanie on his head, says vaguely* I never planned to.

Jack: Good boy. 

Dylan: *frowns* 

Jack: No, that’s what you tell a dog. You’re more like a cat than a dog. 

Dylan: A.. A cat? 

Jack: Yeah, a cat. Your personality, your size… *gestures vaguely at Dylan* A cat. 

Dylan: You do know I can manipulate water, right? You know I love water, right? I used to be a swimmer. Did you know that? 

Jack: Okay. You are our little short water boy, but you’re still cat-like. 

Dylan: How can I be a cat if I love and can control water? 

Jack: I don’t know. How can you say you’re into men but not love them? I doubt you’re incapable of love—

Dylan: *manipulates a fistful amount of water from the fountain to flow into one of his hands, he closes his hand into a fist* Except if there are cats that don’t fear or hate water. Then yeah, sure, maybe I’m that kind of cat. 

Jack: *points his index finger up towards the sky* Turkish Van cat! 

Dylan: What? 

Jack: That cat breed doesn’t hate water. Apparently, lots of them are good swimmers. So yes, you are a cat. You’re a Turkish Van. 

Dylan: *rolls eyes* Okay, fine, sure. 

Jack: Now to figure out the mystery of your sexuality, let me think— 

Dylan: *sighs and opens his hand a certain way, the water releasing from his hand and splashing on Jack, making his face and hair soaked* 

Jack: *blinks the water droplets out of his eyes, drops the cigarette and frantically rubs his hands over his now much colder face* 

Dylan: *sighs* I told you to stop saying that kind of shit. I’m aro and not interested in romance for myself. 

Jack: *frowns* What the fuck? It’s winter and we’re outside. Fuck.. why are we even outside? Goddamn it, I’m freezing. 

Dylan: I.. I’m sorry. 

Jack: No, you’re not. The water is so fucking cold. *gives up trying to prevent his teeth from chattering, water drops from his hair down his face and neck* 

Dylan: I had enough of your shit. I’m leaving. 

Jack: I.. I was b-becoming less angry, but then you.. you *shakily points an accusatory finger at Dylan* p-pulled a Fierdan on me. 

Dylan: A what? 

Jack: For fuck’s sake. *takes out the lighter and holds it up to his face* I’m so damn cold. 

Dylan: What do you mean by ‘pulled a Fierdan’ as if I’m supposed to know what that means? 

Jack: *is slightly warmer* You’re acting just like him, how he was earlier, that’s all. You’re not that different from each other. And not just because I had sex with both of you, I should clarify. 

Dylan: I wasn’t thinking that. 

Jack: Oh okay. My point still stands though. I see traits of you in Fierdan, and him in you, and… God, it’s annoying. 

Dylan: And you hate me as much as you hate him? 

Jack: No.. No, I don’t. *sighs* I can’t hate you two. Not genuinely and not for long. And god, I hate myself for it. *combs fingers through his wet hair* Why is he so hot? Not just as a fire pun. Like, damn, we don’t deserve each other. He doesn’t deserve me because he’s a toxic asshole with violent mood swings and his interpersonal skills.. well, we all know. And I don’t deserve him because I’m ugly and he always looks gorgeous. It’s not fair, Dylan. How come he looks like that? His face, his hair, his.. ass. Meanwhile *notices Dylan looking away, hiding his face in embarrassment from hearing Jack’s words* hey, look at me! Anyway, I’m an ugly piece of shit. 

Dylan: You’re not ugly, Jack. 

Jack: Yeah, I am! 

Dylan: No, you’re not. 

Jack: Am, too! 

Dylan: I’m not going to argue with you over how your self image is flawed. 

Jack: Oh wait, that’s right! You only think so because I have my hair dyed. 

Dylan: What? No. 

Jack: No, no. My natural hair color is hideous, it’s awful. It’s such an ugly shade of brown. 

Dylan: You rarely have your hair stay as its natural color. I forgot what it even was. 

Jack: Yay, a success! 

Dylan: That’s not a good thing. 

Jack: Uh, yeah it is? If people forget what my natural appearance looks like, then that’s a win in my book. 

Dylan: Why? 

Jack: I can only stand myself if I’m fake and artificial. My natural, real self is revolting. 

Dylan: I swear, it’s not. 

Jack: I’m always on the run, and I’m paranoid of people from my past finding me again, so I can’t stay natural for long. I need to be unrecognizable and unknowable. Adapt and overcome…

Dylan: And not fully face and work on your trauma. 

Jack: *frowns* Hey. No need for that. 

Dylan: We both know you have lots of unresolved trauma. You likely have untreated and undiagnosed PTSD. 

Jack: No, we’re not talking about that. 

Dylan: You can’t deny it and run away from your past forever! 

Jack: Yes, I can. Watch me. 

Dylan: *frowns, looks concerned* Jack…

Jack: Oh, I know what we can talk about instead! So like, I dye my hair black with a few white streaks the most these days. Sometimes it’s the opposite. Want to know a secret? 

Dylan: *sighs* Sure. 

Jack: I like having black hair because Fierdan has black hair, and I love his hair. I love him. *raises a finger to his lips* But shh, it’s a secret. 

Dylan: I see. So is that why you don’t dye your hair other colors anymore? I have to admit, I miss seeing you with purple or lavender hair—

Jack: My lavender hair was so good, right? Lavender is such a pretty color. 

Dylan: Uh, yeah. I also miss your pink hair.. all those different shades of pink. Now your hair is boring, just black and white. Monochrome. No bright or pastel colors. It makes me kinda sad. 

Jack: Oh, I’m sorry. Maybe I’ll dye my hair one of those colors again for you. 

Dylan: Only one? *places his hand over his heart dramatically* How could I possibly decide? 

Jack: *giggles* You better. 

Dylan: *sighs, takes a few steps* You and Fierdan will be the death of me. Emotionally unstable and chaotic men with a lack of impulse control. Saying they hate each other and then won’t shut up about how much they love each other. If that’s what romance is like, then I’m glad I’m not interested in it. 

Jack: Oh, it’s not the romance. Everything else you said was right though. Fierdan and I are just crazy. 

Dylan: Hmm, I see. 

Jack: Come on, Dyl. Let’s go inside. I feel like even my balls are freezing. 

Dylan: *sighs* Where do you think I’m going? 

—————————————

End of Confessions, part 8. 

I wanted to include these two very different conversations in this part. (Stella and Sabrina in the first half; Jack and Dylan in the second half. I think the second one is longer though.) 

I initially planned on making Jack be more “evil” and wanted him to be hated, but then I realized that doesn’t fit his character that much. I wrote it this way as a sort of middle ground. 

HRT = Hormone Replacement Therapy. Dylan takes testosterone injections. 

Yes, I’ve heard it can affect libido/sex drive in those who take it, especially in the first few months of being on T. 

Aromantic means experiencing little to no romantic attraction. Asexual is the same thing but substitute romantic with sexual. 

Dylan is the first but not the second. 

Other terminology clarification, just in case:

Transgender means identifying as a different gender from the one assigned at birth. Cisgender means simply the opposite. 

Bisexual means being sexually attracted to two or more genders. 

I had that knowledge about Turkish Van cats locked somewhere in my brain, double checked to make sure I remembered it right, and I did. Look at me, inserting a random cat fact in my skit! Fun! 

Now more information about Dylan and Jack is out there! Yippee! *screams* 

I planned on making Fierdan not be in this part at all. No dialogue from him for once.. what a surprise! 

He’ll return in the next part. Part 9. Oh boy, the Confessions are almost completed. 

Or will it be? I’m hoping I can end it at 10 parts, but I can’t be certain. 

I have too many thoughts and plans stuck in my head. It keeps me going. 

Oh wow, it’s very late for me right now. 

The next parts won’t be as vulgar/crude/dirty (sexual). Now that’s all over for good. At least I’m pretty sure this time. 

Alright, alright. That’s all for this post. Bye.

~  Shan/Shyrah 

Confessions 7 (skit)

Hey, I’m back to continue the Confessions skit story. 

I’m not sure how many Confessions parts there will be in total. Maybe 10, but I can’t say for certain. 

This skit is going to be part 7. That’s just for calling them Confessions because the whole skit story actually started before I came up with that title. This skit story began in early March. So it’s been running for a few months already. 

I have lots and lots of thoughts I want to write out in the form of skits. I think it’s better that way than to just have me rambling. Reading skits feels more entertaining than long and boring paragraphs of me info-dumping on my characters. I can let my characters’ words and actions speak for themselves. 

This skit story sure has been an experience. Yeah, I’m the one writing, but every time I write, I don’t feel fully in control. Logically, I know that’s true, but like.. how to put this. All of my characters feel so real and are so vivid in my mind. 

And the bickering. Oh god, the bickering. I daydream very often, and my mind keeps on wandering to scenes of my characters bickering with each other. Sometimes it’s over something petty and not that serious; other times it’s not. And it hurts. It makes me feel this weird mix of emotions. They keep arguing. There’s so much conflict. It’s painful. 

And I know. Oh, how I know. I haven’t written anything so.. raw? straightforward? no beating around the bush? vulgar?.. before. This is an experiment for me too. No more ignoring and pushing it under the rug. This might be the least censored version of anything I wrote involving my characters. The gaps in the puzzle are being filled. 

That is who they are. Without it, I feel like parts of their personalities are missing. Of how I see them, who they are to me. 

They aren’t good people. Pretty much all of my characters are morally-gray people. I know that they’re not the best and nicest people around. I really hate them at times. It’s okay to be upset with them. I am too. 

Yes, I’m thinking of Fierdan and Jack the most, but it’s not exclusive to them. They’ve said and done some pretty screwed up things, and not everything they say, do, and even think can be fully believed at face-value, but it doesn’t mean every other character is better than them. Because that’s just not true. All of my main characters are messed up in their own special ways. They’re not good people. They all have flaws and caused harm. 

I just felt like I have to emphasize that. I’m obsessed with my characters, yes, but I’m also critical of them. They deserve to be criticized. Because their words and actions.. geez. Come on now. 

One last thing before the skit. Planning and writing this one is painful. It hurts. Geez, this is rough. I can’t believe I’m writing this. How dare I. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe. 

Why did I say all that? Well, read on and you’ll see. I’m sorry in advance. 

(Am I really? *shrugs*) 

It’s pretty obvious at this point, but this skit story is basically for mature audiences. Because of the themes. And part 7 is no exception. 

Now it’s time for the content warnings. I think they’re important to include. 

**WARNINGS: strong/explicit language, mentions of sexual content, smoking, interpersonal conflict, certain details about mental health and illnesses/disorders and body image, mentions of blood and self harm and suicide. 

—————————————

[A few minutes after the end of part 6. Jack ran into his apartment and then his bedroom, his bedroom door still slamming behind him as he throws the tank top on top of a large pile of dirty laundry in a corner. When it lands, he sighs and falls on the bed. With another sigh, he kicks off his shoes and socks and then unbuttons his pants and takes them off before adding them to the pile of dirty laundry. He lies back down, the back of his head making an indent on his pillow.]

Jack: *mutters* Damn it, I’m sick of those two. First, that shit with Ryen because I’m never good enough for him and his high expectations. I always do something wrong, huh? Our personalities clash, but we’ve gone through so much together. And yet.. and yet.. he still treats me like shit and causes my RSD to spike. I hate how I’m still so damn sensitive to rejection. I hate how painful it is and how it makes me say and do stupid things. I get it; he hates me. 

Jack: *raises one of his arms, stares at his hand before lowering it back to his side* And Fierdan.. god, fuck that guy. I don’t know how much more of this shit I can bear. He has the audacity to call me the ‘master manipulator’ when he’s the one playing all these mind games. What the hell is that guy’s problem? 

Jack: *looks lower, his face getting red, sighs* That sly bastard. How am I still turned on because of him? It’s not fair of him to mess with me like that. He knew what he was doing, moving his body like that on top of me, us touching each other like that… Fuck! 

Jack: *his fingernails dig into his palms as he clenches his fists* That son of a bitch made me hard, and for what? For him to then say that shit about Dylan? We were having a moment, damn it, but if it was too soon after what I told him, then maybe it was for the best that we didn’t go further. *sighs* And of course, my body doesn’t care about any of that or what time of day it is. It’s not fucking fair! 

Jack: *unclenches his fists, his fingers brush the hairs on his stomach, groans* What kind of foreplay ends with moaning but then saying something unexpected and unrelated? Yeah, he’s unpredictable alright. Any normal person would’ve said something like “Oh fuck, fuck me!” while struggling to not turn every sound coming out of their mouth into moans.. but no, he’s not normal. God, why did he think it was a good time to say all that then? Moaning only to then say that shit? Fucking hell, Fierdan. 

Jack: *bites lip, one of his hands hovering above the area just below his stomach, his fingers gripping the band on his boxers, shakes head* No, I shouldn’t. The only reason my body is reacting this way is because of him, and I’m not gonna give him the satisfaction that he’s made me… *frowns* No, I’m upset at him. Fuck you, Fierdan. *face grows more red, starts sweating* That’s right. Fuck you. I thought you wanted me to. Damn it, I wanted to fuck you too. Isn’t that what you wanted? Why else would you lead me on like that? That’s what you wanted, right? You looked disappointed when I said I didn’t want to anymore. You killed the mood, Fierdan. It’s all your fucking fault! *tightens his grip on the band, indecisive on whether to lower his boxers or not*

Jack: And it’s not fair. How come he looks so hot and gorgeous when he’s mentally fucked? No one deserves to look so good, even when they look and smell like shit. He’s such an asshole. He doesn’t even have to try. Meanwhile I view myself as garbage in the shape of a human being, and the only way for me to not hate how I look is if I cover it all up. Mark, paint, mutilate my body all up until I can’t recognize my real self anymore. I’m so fucking fake. *his fingers touch the patch of skin under the top of his boxers* Ugh, just thinking of his face and hair is making me feel aroused. How does he naturally look like that? No makeup, no hair dye, no tattoos, no piercings.. none of those things are necessary. He just can’t look ugly, actually ugly, that fucker. Life is unfair, man! 

Jack: *his face is red and sweaty as the fingers inside his boxers move further down* I need a distraction. *turns his head to glance at one of his drawers where he keeps a pack of cigarettes and vape pens* I just need.. to get up. *slowly sits up, not moving his hand* I’ll just smoke. No, I just need a puff. Any.. thing. *the hand not in his pants reaches out in the direction of the drawer before lowering back down again, sighs* I need to get up. Come on, body, get up. Don’t let him... *gravity feels like it’s too much for his body since he ends up on his back again, staring at the ceiling* … win. *sighs again, speaks softly* He’s right. I’m a hypocrite. Congrats, Fierdan, you got me. You win. And god, do I hate myself for it. 

[Around the same time that Jack entered his apartment. Fierdan is still standing, facing the front door as if Jack will suddenly turn around and come back. But he doesn’t. Fierdan knows that. He continues staring at the door, despite knowing better.] 

Fierdan: You can’t leave me. You can’t just do that when I’m in this state. Come back… *reaches out his arm towards the door* 

[For some reason, Fierdan thinks about Soulless again. He imagines that he is having a conversation with Soulless, like they’re together in Cincernum. It’s not actually happening; it’s all in Fierdan’s head. Just like what he says isn’t out loud; it’s only his thoughts. A conversation only in his head.] 

Fierdan: Ugh, you can’t just do this shit! Running away won’t solve any problems. 

Soulless: You lecherous creature. The only reason you want him to come back is so you can satisfy your sexual urges. 

Fierdan: *frowns* That’s not true. I just want him to tell me why. 

Soulless: *places its hand on Fierdan’s shoulder* Tell you what? 

Fierdan: Why he tricked me into thinking they came back from the dead. They shouldn’t be alive. 

Soulless: Silly Danny boy, silly Danny boy. 

Fierdan: *moves his shoulder out of Soulless’s grip* Wait, you’re the one who told me I was the one at fault. You said I tricked the others into believing the others were still alive. Well, at least with Finny. I know you did. 

Soulless: Do you even know reality? What’s real? *grabs both of Fierdan’s shoulders, its nails digging into his skin* You’re making this all up, after all. You killed me. I’m not actually touching you. It’s all in your head. 

Fierdan: *ignoring Soulless, shakes head* They think I’m narcissistic. That I have a huge ego. That I’m a self-centered.. *sighs* whatever. I must be a really shitty narcissist then. 

Soulless: Fierdan? Hello? Why did you imagine me talking to you if all you’re gonna do is ignore me? This is boring. *lifts one of his arms and inspects it* 

Fierdan: I have no sense of self worth, esteem, or any of that kind of shit. I am nothing. I feel empty. I’m so fucking empty. 

Soulless: I know, it’s alright. You just want to be fucked. Since your darling left, I can substitute. We can play like we used to. Your brain is corrupt enough for you to imagine it being real, right? 

Fierdan: *takes a few steps away from Soulless, not paying any more attention to it* Why can’t I fucking feel anything? Anger and lust are the closest feelings I have any attachment towards. Everything else feels fake. There’s a hole in me that I don’t know how to fill, so I just drink, smoke, and fuck. And for what? A burst of dopamine? To feel good? It never lasts. Nothing good ever does. They all are exhausted with me, but how about they try living in my own head.. this hell. I mean, fuck, what am I even doing? 

Soulless: Don’t be talking all depressive now. 

Fierdan: It’s all a mask. It’s better to pretend that I’m someone capable of emotions and can empathize with people and just.. be a decent person for fuck’s sake. It’s better than them knowing the truth. I’m a black hole, sucking up everything good in others until there’s nothing left. I fuck up everything. *smirks* Sucking and fucking. I could make a sex joke out of that. Just.. you fucking watch me. 

Soulless: You can’t even tell delusions from reality. Do you even know that you experience psychosis? What is reality? What is actually happening? What did you just conjure in your mind? You’re thinking of me since you can’t stand to be alone. It’s pathetic, really. I pity you. 

Fierdan: *glances down for a second, sighs* Damn. Thinking all of that self depreciating shit finally did the trick. It was a total turn-off. *smirks* Not like I could fuck well or do anything sexual when my mind’s like this, thinking all this shit. *relaxes his shoulders* But finally. Damn. 

Soulless: Want me to help turn— *grins* What am I doing? Asking before? Consensual?  *scoffs* 

Fierdan: I fuck up everything. Why am I so impulsive? Why can’t I control myself? I knew saying and doing those things were horrible ideas. But what did I do? I did that shit anyway. I fucking hate myself. *starts pacing back and forth* He hates me. Now he also hates me. And the rest think I’m a creep. *stares at his hands and wrists* The blood won’t leave. It won’t dry. 

Soulless: There’s no blood. 

Fierdan: Shut up! I can feel the sticky red covering my hands and wrists. Oh god, it burns. I need.. I need…

Soulless: There is no blood, Fierdan! 

Fierdan: I need to redo it. Another layer. I can’t see the red. I need to see it. 

Soulless: Stop it, Fierdan! You don’t need to see any blood. 

Fierdan: *glares at Soulless* Since when you do you care? You never gave a damn about me before—

Soulless: For fuck’s sake, I’m not even Soulless. You’re just arguing with yourself.. with different parts of your subconscious. You’re just talking to yourself. It’s all just you. You are the only one here. 

Fierdan: *stares at his hands and wrists again* They all hate me anyway. I’m only a burden. I shouldn’t be alive. I don’t deserve to live. I destroy everything. *sighs* Everything would be so much better if I was gone. 

Soulless: That’s not true! 

Fierdan: Of course. My parasite needs me. *walks to where he dropped his hoodie, picks it up, and takes out the pack of cigarettes before dropping the hoodie again* 

Soulless: Am I even Soulless, or am I just another part of you? 

[During the next several minutes, Fierdan smokes a few cigarettes. He stops thinking of Soulless, at least for the time being. When he’s done with each cigarette, he presses the burnt end into the space between each knuckle on his opposite hand. When he’s done with that, he uses other areas on the back of his hand. After he used up half the box, he throws it on the floor and steps on it. He blinks his eyes rapidly and stares at his hands.]

Fierdan: Well, fuck. I don’t feel a thing! *starts scratching his wrists* Not a fucking thing! *laughs manically until he coughs, struggling to stop* 

[A little later, the coughing fit stops and the pain from his hands and wrists kicks in. And oh god, it burns. It hurts so much. He pretends that he can’t feel it, but he can and he does.]

Fierdan: It’s not real. None of this is real. I can’t feel anything. I’m not human. I’m a pest that needs to be discarded. Yeah, I should do that. I’ll just kill myself. Maybe that’s the only way for peace to be achieved. *yawns* Or maybe I’ll just slit my wrists. That sounds like less work. I’m a lazy piece of shit who doesn’t do anything beneficial. So what if I’ve also been reading and researching the Books of C. like crazy just like he does? I’m never good enough for him. I’ll never be. I was always an unwanted son. Even Duke was. 

[Fierdan lies down on the floor, his knees tucked to his chest. He tries to suppress the tears from flowing. Eventually, he gives up and passes out, his hands and wrists burning from pain.] 

[Between an hour and two later. The sounds of knocking at Fierdan’s front door and someone repeatedly calling his name. After a few minutes of this and the person at the door not leaving, he reluctantly gets up, rubbing his eyes and then the back of his neck. He staggers toward the door and then grabs the doorknob so tightly as if it’s the only thing preventing him from falling over.]

Fierdan: *mutters under his breath* Why did I sleep on the floor? What the hell am I even doing here? 

Brock: *continues knocking at the door* Fierdan! Hey, anyone there? Answer me, Fierdan! Hello? *looks into the peephole* I see you! Hi, you look like shit! What happened? 

Fierdan: *rubs his temples with his free hand, groans* Go away. I’m aware that I look like shit. I don’t need another reminder. 

Brock: Let me in! Please, please, plea—

Fierdan: *sighs loudly and opens the door* What do you want? 

Brock: Fierdan! Hi, how are you? 

Fierdan: I swear, you’re just like a dog. So loud and vocal and clingy for who knows what reason. 

Brock: I just wanted to see you. Everyone else is busy at the moment anyway. I missed you. 

Fierdan: I’m not someone worth missing. 

Brock: What are you talking about? Of course you are. I did.

Fierdan: *rubs his hand over his face, sighs* That’s because you’re you. *pauses* I hope I’m not talking to myself again. God, I’m pathetic. 

Brock: *quickly grabs Fierdan’s wrist and stares at the hand* Oh my—

Fierdan: Let go of me! *struggles to free his hand from the other man’s grip* 

Brock: *tone of voice changes, looks up from Fierdan’s hand to his face but doesn’t let go* Are you okay? 

Fierdan: *frowns* What? Just let me go! *bites his tongue as he tries to move his hand out of Brock’s grasp and a fresh burst of pain is felt there and in his mouth* Ow, fuck! 

Brock: *sighs and lets go* Of course it hurts, you dummy. It would be weird if it didn’t. 

Fierdan: *has tears in his eyes* I was telling myself it doesn’t actually hurt, that this pain isn’t that bad, that I can’t feel a goddamn thing, but.. *looks scared as he looks at Brock* it hurts. It really, really hurts. 

Brock: You really are just skin and bones, huh? 

Fierdan: What? 

Brock: When was the last time you ate? Had a proper meal? *grabs Fierdan’s forearm* Wow, your wrists look red too. What the hell happened to you? 

Fierdan: I’m.. I’m not hungry. And that’s none of your goddamn business. 

Brock: You’re just so slender and bony. It’s like you barely have any body fat. You need to eat, you know. 

Fierdan: *grimaces, sighs as he knows Brock’s grip is too strong for him* Stop that. Just.. stop. 

Brock: Why? Your limbs are so slender, and I can see the outlines of your bones and your veins in your hands. And your wrists are so small, and I bet I could see your ribs if you take off your shirt— 

Fierdan: *cries* Stop it! I know my body is like this, but… *notices Brock inspecting his arm which reminds him of the body inspections that Soulless and Taurel gave him* I’m not a girl! 

Brock: Huh? I never said you were. Sure, you don’t have the most hyper-masculine, manly body out there, but you’re still a guy. You still should try to gain weight though; your body concerns me. 

Fierdan: *starts trembling and hyperventilating* Z. He.. He kept telling me how I’m not a ‘real’ boy and won’t ever be a ‘real’ man. I’m too girly, too gentle, too sensitive.. too emotional. Maybe he was right about that. 

Brock: Why do you care about what that man thought of you? Wasn’t he a complete asshole who did tons of fucked up shit? 

Fierdan: That’s right. He was, but he was.. was.. *tries to regulate his breathing but fails* he was still my dad. And I killed him, fucking up any chance of forgiveness and understanding and… Fuck! I’m such a bad person. *pauses* How can I say that when I know what he did to Dawn and how many other girls and women. *swallows* To.. To Dawn. 

Brock: *sighs and loosens his grip* 

Fierdan: *quickly pulls his arm to his chest, begins to stop hyperventilating* Don’t do that shit to me ever again. I.. I know my body looks like this, and it’s really pathetic and messed up and.. god, why do I have to be a freak of nature? 

Brock: Not do what? 

Fierdan: *groans* Give me PTSD flashbacks because of the shit you said and did! 

Brock: I did that? Oh shit, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.

Fierdan: *says bitterly* No, no. It’s my fault. I should make it so excruciatingly obvious whenever I get triggered. Maybe I’ll just scream from the rooftops something like “You triggered the fuck out of me!” next time someone does, so they get the memo. 

Brock: That sounds like a lot. You don’t have to—

Fierdan: Of course I don’t have to! I’m not going to actually do that. It’s so.. so *winces from the pain* stupid. 

Brock: *takes a deep breath* Dude, I’m sorry. I really am. I shouldn’t have touched you and talked about your body like that. I didn’t know you were so.. sensitive about that sort of thing. Honestly, I still am concerned about you, but I’ll stop. 

Fierdan: It’s okay for you to be concerned. I mean, look at me. It’s just that.. well, what feels like body inspections, like I’m being tested and analyzed and graded just for how I look and how my body works.. it isn’t exactly pleasant. Sure, it might not be for anyone, but for me, it’s.. it’s a special kind of hell. 

Brock: I’m sorry. 

Fierdan: It.. It’s fine. 

Brock: Why did you do that to your hand, to your wrists? It looks like it hurts so much. 

Fierdan: Oh, well, it does. It really fucking hurts, to tell you the truth. 

Brock: Then.. why? Why did you? 

Fierdan: To feel pain. That’s the whole point. *sighs* Or to redirect it. Or just to see if I can actually feel anything. I feel so fake and numb all the time, like I can’t fully and genuinely feel anything. Everything feels so distant. Except, I don’t know, intense rage when I act like such an asshole.. or lust which makes me become an asshole for different reasons. God, I’m such a bad person. I can’t stand it. I can’t blame others for hating me. 

Brock: I don’t hate you. 

Fierdan: You should. 

Brock: Why? *pauses* Wait, don’t answer that. 

Fierdan: Because I’m a terrible person who ruins everything and everyone. I destroy all that I come into contact with. *tears fall from his eyes* It’s all my fault. He left me, and I’m not sure he’ll come back this time. I pushed him to his limit because of my violent mood swings and delusions. I keep.. I keep fucking up over and over. 

Brock: Then try again. Apologize. Start over. 

Fierdan: *stares at his hands* It’s too late. I messed up way too many times. It’s over between us. He’s gone.

Brock: I doubt that. 

Fierdan: *looks up at Brock, sniffs* What do you know about us? We were a couple destined to fail. We’re just too.. too… *quickly rubs his eyes* Fuck, I don’t know! It’s all my fault, and I just want to die.  

Brock: Well, don’t die. 

Fierdan: *stops crying, says sarcastically* Wow, thanks for the advice. It’s very appreciated. 

Brock: *frowns* No need for the sarcasm. 

Fierdan: It really hurts, you know. I feel like I lost one of my main reasons to live, to keep going. I made him leave, and he’s so fucking sick of me. I just know it. I sure am a piece of work. I’m high-maintenance. Put so much work in and get nothing good out of it. That was our relationship. 

Brock: Then find another reason to keep going. The end of a relationship isn’t the end of the world. 

Fierdan: To you it isn’t, but to me, it is. I feel like I’ve been abandoned all over again. I know I caused this, but it still hurts like hell. 

Brock: Do you have abandonment issues, Fierdan? 

Fierdan: *looks away* May.. Maybe. *winces* Ow!

Brock: Your hand? 

Fierdan: Uh, what? 

Brock: Does it still hurt? 

Fierdan: What kind of question is that? Of course it still hurts. I didn’t treat it or anything. 

Brock: That’s right! Why have we just been talking all this time? 

Fierdan: Huh? 

Brock: I know basic self care. Come on, let’s go to your bathroom. 

Fierdan: Self care? What? 

Brock: To treat your wounds. Disinfect it, wrap it up. That sort of thing. 

Fierdan: *smirks and laughs* Do you mean first aid? 

Brock: Shit, you’re right. First aid. Yes. 

Fierdan: I figured. Then, well, come on now. Let’s see what you can do. Hopefully, you won’t leave me an amputee. 

Brock: What? I can’t just amputate—

Fierdan: *sighs* I know that. I was joking. 

Brock: *breathes a sigh of relief* Oh. Of course I knew that. 

Fierdan: Okay, let’s go. Come on. 

Brock: Wait, do you even have a first aid kit? Or will I just have to wing it? 

Fierdan: *shrugs* This way, Brock. 

Brock: Oh, okay then. 

[Fierdan walks to the bathroom, Brock following him. They stay in there for a while, around a half hour. Bandages cover Fierdan’s hand and gauze is wrapped around both of his wrists. The smell of disinfectant is stronger in the air than smoke.] 

Fierdan: *stares at his covered wrists, talks softly* Thank you, Brock. I didn’t expect you to be able to. 

Brock: *grins* Like I said, I know the basics. I know the disinfectant stings, but are you feeling okay? 

Fierdan: *sighs, leans against the wall* What does feeling ‘okay’ even mean? 

Brock: Well, I.. I’m not sure. Does it still hurt a lot? 

Fierdan: It hurts.. less. 

Brock: Oh.. Oh, that’s good. That’s an improvement. 

Fierdan: Yeah, I suppose. *looks up at Brock* Look, I really am sorry about before. I was being a jerk. I actually did miss you. 

Brock: *gently brushes a hair out of Fierdan’s eye* I know you did. There’s something between us, after all. 

Fierdan: *frowns but doesn’t move* There’s nothing between us. 

Brock: *strokes Fierdan’s cheek with the tip of his finger* Is that so? 

Fierdan: *starts blushing* I.. I don’t know. *reaches out and touches Brock’s hair* Your hair is so fluffy. You really are just like a dog. 

Brock: Well, you’re a.. you’re a… *forgets what he was going to say and instead says* Your eyes are beautiful. The color, the shape.. I love everything about them. 

Fierdan: *smirks and brushes his bangs to the side* Is that right? 

Brock: You’re beautiful. *pauses* Or handsome, if you prefer that. 

Fierdan: You’re flirting with me. 

Brock: *blushes* Oh, am I? 

Fierdan: *leans closer to Brock* Yes, you are. *has an intense look in his eyes* Why did you really come to see me?  

Brock: Well, I.. I… *is at a loss of words* 

Fierdan: *has his hand which isn’t covered in bandages at the back of Brock’s head, pulling him closer to him, looks like he is about to kiss him, then at the last moment he lets go and takes a large step back, breathing heavily* 

Brock: Whoa, Fierdan! What was that? 

Fierdan: Fuck, fuck! What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m so, so sorry. *starts trembling, speaks very fast* I don’t have any feelings like that for you. I just got carried away. And you’re straight! What was I thinking? You’re not into me. God, what is my fucking problem lately? 

Brock: Breathe. Let me get a word in. 

Fierdan: Soulless is right. I am a lecherous creature, a sex fiend, a filthy fucking sinner. 

Brock: I mean, that was unexpected. I didn’t expect you to actually kiss me. Well, intend to. You almost did. 

Fierdan: Oh my god! Shut up, shut up, shut up! *starts fidgeting at the gauze* 

Brock: Hey, stop that! 

Fierdan: Get away from me! I deserve punishment. I need more pain. *a small piece of the gauze rips off and falls on the bathroom floor* Hate me, please! It’s what I deserve. 

Brock: I don’t hate you. 

Fierdan: Why the hell not? 

Brock: Because.. *sighs* I don’t know. I just don’t. 

Fierdan: *tears off more of the gauze* You make no sense. Do you know that? 

Brock: Well, neither do you. We can be illogical together. 

Fierdan: You don’t know anything about me. 

Brock: Hey, that’s just—

Fierdan: *screeches* Get out! Leave me alone! 

Brock: Hold on, we can—

Fierdan: Get the fuck out and don’t come back! *breathes heavily* I’m not a good person by any means. I’m the real villain. I destroy every relationship I have. I should live and die alone. 

Brock: *opens the bathroom door* That isn’t true. You’re not that bad. 

Fierdan: What the hell do you know? You don’t know all the shit I did and went through. Don’t try to sympathize with and comfort me. Don’t pity me. It’s useless. It’s impossible to relate to me. 

Brock: *looks like he’s about to say something but only leaves the bathroom without another word* 

Fierdan: *whispers* No, don’t leave me alone. I didn’t mean it. Come back. I’m sorry. 

Brock: *can’t hear Fierdan* I’ll leave since that’s what you want. I just missed you, that’s all. I’m sorry. Goodbye, Fierdan. 

[The front door is heard closing with a thud. Fierdan sits on the cold, tiled floor of the bathroom with his knees up to his chest and his arms wrapped around his legs. He stays like that for a while.] 

————————————

End of Confessions, part 7. 

RSD = Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Intense feelings that come from real or perceived rejection, usually over exaggerated from what actually happened to cause the rejection. It is said that it is common in people who have ADHD and some other neurodivergent people. 

I think that’s the only term that might’ve been hard to understand. In this part anyway. 

I initially planned on ending this part in a completely different way with other characters, but I got carried away with Fierdan. It’s all because of him. Again. 

It’s fine. I’ll just include those plans of mine in part 8. Hmm, it’s probably for the best. I think it’ll be too much to include it all in this part. 

Just wait and see. I’ll write it soon. Some day. Hopefully, the wait won’t be too long. Life is a bit chaotic. I’m definitely obsessed with my characters and this skit story though. I’ve been having a moment. My mental state is… *shrugs* 

I know it’s a lot. Things are pretty intense, huh? 

Yeah…

Until next time. Bye. 

~ Shan/Shyrah

Confessions 6 (skit)

Hi, it’s now June. That’s wild. 

My June hasn’t been that good so far. It still feels like it’s the end of me. I’m just buying time. 

Anyway, uh, well… 

Happy Pride Month! <3 

It’s June already, and the month these Confessions skits take place is in.. what? Some point in February? March at the latest? Hmm yeah, I think so. Mid to late winter in the Northern Hemisphere. But it’s June now. I should’ve written these skits faster or more frequently, but sorry, that’s not possible. Bear with me. I’m trying, I swear. 

I finally have some ideas for this skit part. Yippee. Wahoo. *slow claps* 

And.. I’m sorry but. I lied. There will be mentions of sexual content in this part. I’ll just include it here. Get it over with. I think it makes more sense to put it in this one. 

Yeah, I’m going through it. They’re going through it. Emotions, emotions and feelings. Man. Man! 

Breathe. I need to breathe. Yes.  

**WARNINGS: strong/explicit language, (mentions of) sexual content, smoking, brief mentions of transphobia and homophobia.  

——————————————

[It’s the afternoon the day after, probably early afternoon so between 12 and 2 pm. The setting is Fierdan’s apartment. He looks like a mess and the stench of smoke lingers in the air. He’s still wearing the same clothes he did at the end of part 4: a loose-fitting tank top and pajama pants. He’s standing at the kitchen counter, pouring coffee creamer and another spoonful of sugar into his cup of coffee. After stirring, he sighs, takes a sip, relaxes his shoulders, and walks to the room near the apartment’s front door, his fingers wrapped tightly around the mug’s handle. He takes another sip of coffee and sits down on a couch, shoving a pile of papers to the side to make room. Then there’s a muffled voice on the other side of the front door; it’s hard to make out each word being spoken.] 

Jack: —Dan? You’re home now, right? … come in? I want to talk about… *digs through his pockets and pulls out a key, steps closer to the door* Aha! Knew this would come in handy. I’m going in. 

[Jack inserts the key into the keyhole and turns it. He closes his eyes as the door creaks open. Fierdan is on the couch, drinking coffee and flipping pages of a magazine. His eyes shoot up from the page he was reading, and he becomes aware of how his heart is beating even faster. He quickly stands up, stumbles over a short stack of papers, and mutters a series of curses. Then he sighs and drinks more of his coffee. Jack steps into the apartment and spots Fierdan and what he planned on saying goes over his head since what happens instead is this…]

Jack: You look like shit. 

Fierdan: *puts down his cup on the nearest flat surface to rub his temples* Thanks for the observation. *groans* Why are you even here? How the hell did you get in? 

Jack: *holds up the key* You gave me a key to your place. Remember? 

Fierdan: *glares at the key dangling from Jack’s fingers* What? No. What the fuck—

Jack: *sighs and puts the key back into his pocket* I told you and reminded you over and over. I know it’s no longer morning, but I did say we would talk as soon as possible. Yesterday left me exhausted, so I woke up a little later than I had planned. 

Fierdan: Last night.. fuck. *reclines on his seat on the couch* 

Jack: *raises his eyebrows* Did you just wake up? Is this a bad time? I’m sorry.

Fierdan: What? No, of course not. *picks up the cup of coffee, stares at it before taking a few more sips* This is my third cup of the day. Or is it the fourth? I don’t know. It’s been.. fuck, I don’t know, that’s not important. 

Jack: Oh.. Oh uh, that’s good then. That I didn’t wake you up. *walks toward where Fierdan is* 

Fierdan: *scoffs* Does it look like I got any sleep last night or this morning? 

Jack: *stands still* Well, I.. *lowers head* no. 

Fierdan: Yeah, no shit. Why else would I be drinking so much coffee? The caffeine’s keeping me awake since I sure as hell am not planning on getting any sleep any time soon. My heart feels like it’s gonna explode out of my chest, no thanks to you startling me, but that’s just the price I have to pay.

Jack: *walks closer to the couch* I’m sorry. I thought you knew. Please don’t be mad. 

Fierdan: Why would I be mad at you? *snickers* At least you didn’t enter while I was naked or some shit. 

Jack: That’s not as awkward as you think it is. I’ve seen you naked countless times. 

Fierdan: *smirks* Oh, so you wouldn’t mind sneaking into my apartment and finding myself jerking myself off? Or would that just turn you on? 

Jack: *lets out a breath, glances around the room* Your place is such a mess. *looks back at Fierdan who is crossing his legs* And so are you. *sits down next to Fierdan on the couch* Ugh, you reek. 

Fierdan: *in a flat tone* Thanks. Now could you please tell me why you’re here? 

Jack: *ignoring Fierdan* It smells like something was burning for far too long. The stench of smoke is still in the air. You and your place really do look and smell like shit. *sighs* You need to take care of yourself, Fierdan. 

Fierdan: Hey, I do take care of myself. I showered earlier, and I took my meds. *sighs* Well, I had another breakdown after midnight, and… *groans* 

Jack: *looks sympathetically at Fierdan* Oh, you poor thing. You really can’t sleep alone, huh? You need to sleep with me in order to not… *gestures vaguely* 

Fierdan: Yeah, yeah. I’m a wreck without you. I’m too clingy and dependent. I can’t be left alone. Whatever. 

Jack: *stares at the shirt Fierdan is wearing* By the way, is that mine? 

Fierdan: *looks confused, glances down at the shirt* Huh? Oh, this? 

Jack: *nods* You borrowed it from me that one night. 

Fierdan: Okay so, do you want it back? 

Jack: Well, yeah. I forgot you still had it. 

Fierdan: So it’s not another gift from my boyfriend. Darn. 

Jack: That’s not what I intend—

Fierdan: Fine, it’s fine. Have it. *takes off the tank top, hands it over to Jack* 

Jack: *digs his fingers into the fabric, gives it a quick sniff and gags* Yep, this is going straight into the wash. I need to do laundry soon anyway. 

Fierdan: *picks up the cup again and quickly drinks the rest of his coffee* 

Jack: I just realized something. I shouldn’t be insulting the state your place is in. You spend the majority of the time outside of it, and most nights you spend at my place anyway. Was last night the most recent time you slept in your own bed in.. who knows how long? 

Fierdan: Yeah, I guess. It’s been a while. *stands up* It’s fine. I know this place is a mess. *kicks a short stack of papers* I don’t know why I have so many papers all over the damn place. 

Jack: Want me to help you clean up? 

Fierdan: What do you mean? 

Jack: The papers. All this shit you have lying around. 

Fierdan: *looks skeptical* Since when do you care about being neat and organized? 

Jack: I don’t. No, not really. But.. damn it, Fierdan. *inhales and coughs* There’s still so much smoke in here. And on you. 

Fierdan: It comes with pyrokinesis. Fire, burning, smoking. 

Jack: Or would you rather have me be useful another way? 

Fierdan: *faces Jack* And what way would that be? 

Jack: Do you want me to.. uh.. bathe you? Or help clean you in the shower? 

Fierdan: *smirks* You want to have shower sex, huh? 

Jack: *blushes, stammers* N-Not what I exactly meant, but if you—

Fierdan: I’m kidding. Besides, I seriously don’t want to be touched right now. Even by you. *sighs* I’m sorry. I don’t think I can tolerate physical contact. 

Jack: No, no. That’s completely fine. No wonder why you weren’t affectionate when I came. 

Fierdan: Hmm.. yeah. Late last night and this morning have been rough. Sorry.  

Jack: No need to be sorry. 

Fierdan: *nods* Well, I’m going to take a shower. Stay or leave, I don’t care. You can watch me shower as long as you don’t touch me. I feel like a ticking time bomb. 

Jack: *picks up one of the stacks of papers, frowns* I’ll try to make your place more habitable. 

Fierdan: Well, thank you. I’ll be back later, hopefully looking and smelling a lot better. See you in a bit. *has his empty coffee cup in one hand, raises his other arm to wave while his back is turned to Jack as he walks into the kitchen to put the cup and spoon into the sink before walking to his bedroom and then the bathroom* 

[During the next 20 to 30 minutes, Fierdan spends the time in the shower or drying himself afterward. In the meantime, Jack moves a few stacks of papers, magazines, and similar items from the couch and all over the floor to better places such as on top of an office desk. He also gathers scattered papers and makes a new stack out of them. He doesn’t observe them too closely nor does he wonder why Fierdan has so many. He is just glad to help. Jack then takes out the note that Fierdan left outside his door, reads it again, and flips it over to where he wrote “Tell him about Dylan” in blue ink (Fierdan wrote in black ink). Jack stuffs the note back into his pocket just as Fierdan enters the room, this time wearing dark gray jeans and a black hoodie.]

Fierdan: *looks around* Oh wow, you really did help clean up. Damn, Jack, thanks. 

Jack: *nods* Yeah. And you.. uh.. look better. *inhales, exhales slowly* Smell better, too. 

Fierdan: *grins* Glad to hear it. *walks over to the couch, sits down next to Jack* So. 

Jack: *looks confused* Yeah? 

Fierdan: There. *points* In your pocket. What do you have? 

Jack: Huh? The key? 

Fierdan: No, not that. The other thing. 

Jack: *swallows* Oh. You mean this? *takes out the note, unfolds it* 

Fierdan: *stares at it, bites lip* Yes. 

Jack: Well, you left it under my front door at some point last night. I know it’s yours. It’s in your handwriting. No one else would say anything like this anyway.  

Fierdan: *frowns* Of course it’s mine. You read it, I assume? 

Jack: *hesitates before nodding* Yeah, I did. Look, we can talk about—

Fierdan: It’s stupid. I should’ve known it couldn’t be me. 

Jack: Let me explain. I mean.. uh.. do you want me to? 

Fierdan: Yes! *shakes head* No. *his hands form fists* I don’t know. 

[“Don’t trust the master manipulator.” plays over and over in Fierdan’s head. Jack notices Fierdan appearing a lot more distressed all of a sudden, and he gives him a concerned look. Fierdan glares back at Jack, nearly jumping off the couch to increase distance from him. Then he puts a hand into his hoodie pocket, taking out a pack of cigarettes before opening it and grabbing a cigarette before sticking it in his mouth.]

Jack: *frowns* You just showered and got rid of the smoke smell. Are you sure that you want to do that right now? 

Fierdan: *responds by lighting his cigarette, smokes, one hand pressed firmly to the nearest wall after he stuffs the pack back in his pocket* 

Jack: What happened to you? Why are you smoking so often these days? 

Fierdan: *grabs the cigarette between his index and middle fingers, exhales and a puff of smoke escapes his lips, and he frowns at Jack before aggressively sticking it back in his mouth* 

Jack: What the hell? Why are you doing this shit? 

Fierdan: *takes out the cigarette* Don’t be a hypocritical piece of shit. And don’t shit with how I cope. 

Jack: I.. I’m sorry. Please, Danny, just tell me what’s wrong. You can talk to me. 

Fierdan: *leaves to dispose of the cigarette* No thanks. I can’t handle this shit. I’m done. 

Jack: What do you mean? 

Fierdan: *grits teeth* I mean I’m done. I am fucking done!

Jack: No, you have to tell me. What is it that I did wrong? 

Fierdan: Everything! What don’t you get? Go to hell, you toxic and manipulative son of a bitch. 

Jack: *rubs his temples* Your mood swings are such a pain. They’re much faster and severe in intensity now than they used to be. Maybe you need the dose of your medication adjusted.  

Fierdan: I can’t.. I can’t take this shit anymore! Fuck! *kicks the wall* 

Jack: *flinches at the noise of the wall being kicked* Your words hurt, you know. Fierdan, you can really be an asshole. 

Fierdan: You just came to my apartment uninvited to torture me! Of course I’m mad! 

Jack: *frowns deeply* That’s right. You are mad. Not just as in angry. You’re crazy. 

Fierdan: To nobody’s surprise! Who doesn’t already know that at this point? 

Jack: *takes a deep breath* Alright. So you want to know why I came. Yes? This is why. *flips the note over and shows Fierdan* 

Fierdan: *reads* “Tell him about Dylan” means what exactly? 

Jack: I was going to tell you, but since you’re being an ass, maybe I won’t. 

Fierdan: I spent a few hours last night with Dylan and Stella. Does it have anything to do with that? *panic replaces hostility on his face* Oh shit, did they tell you what I said? I was just messing around. It wasn’t serious, I swear! 

Jack: Do you still want me to go? 

Fierdan: Ugh, stop manipulating me. You’re a dick. 

Jack: So are you. 

Fierdan: Ugh, just tell me already! 

Jack: I’ll tell you after you calm down. 

Fierdan: *sighs* Fine. Fine! 

[For some reason, Fierdan thinks about some things Stella and Dawn told him in recent conversations. Then he starts thinking about how Dylan reacted to some things he said last night. And some things Dylan said as well.] 

Fierdan: *takes a deep breath* Okay. You can tell me. 

Jack: Nope. Not yet. 

Fierdan: What do you mean, no? Do you want me to get all pissed off again? I have a quick fuse. 

Jack: I know. It’s just that it’s a long story. I need to provide context. 

Fierdan: Okay? Then do that. 

Jack: Okay so. Remember what I said that other night? 

Fierdan: You have to be more specific than that. 

Jack: You’re right. Remember what I said about Dylan and me? Be.. Before you really entered the picture? 

Fierdan: Uh.. *scratches head* I think so? You told me you used to be close friends.. I don’t know about best friends.. but I knew you said you two were close and hung out a lot. Probably doing nerd shit. 

Jack: Nerd shit? 

Fierdan: You know what I mean. Playing video games, card games, board games.. shit like that. 

Jack: *frowns* So you think playing games is nerdy. I thought you enjoyed playing them with me. Am I not cool enough for you? 

Fierdan: Ugh, you’re making it seem like I said something offensive. 

Jack: That’s because you did. I’m a gamer. Not as much as I used to be. *sighs* All this work and these missions, and just.. you. You’re such high maintenance. I mean, I know that and always did, but like.. god. *sighs again* I love playing games. No, not toxic manipulative mind games or whatever the fuck you were on about. I wish I had more time to play. Dylan is obviously a gamer too; it’s not like he hides it very well. Him and I.. well.. we used to play games together all the time. I mean, very often. 

Fierdan: So.. why don’t the two of you still play together? Or like, at least hang out since you’re good friends? 

Jack: We.. We can’t. 

Fierdan: Why? 

Jack: Because.. *breathes out slowly* Because of you. 

Fierdan: Because of.. me? 

Jack: *nods* That’s right. Well, also because of what became of us. It’s just.. I don’t know. Things got awkward fast and so complicated. I’m sorry. 

Fierdan: Stop saying sorry and just tell me already! So much build up, and it’s probably no big deal. 

Jack: No big deal? I.. I don’t think so. 

Fierdan: That’s what I said. Dylan and I talked last night, and I might already know what it is that you’re struggling to tell me. I have my suspicions.  

[Some time passes. I’m not sure how long exactly. It could be anything from 5 minutes to an hour. Jack has been explaining things to Fierdan about himself and Dylan. Fierdan has become more mentally stable, or at least he gives off the impression that he’s calm and relaxed.] 

Jack: To be completely honest, Dylan and I weren’t always ‘just’ friends. Not long before you came here, the two of us had this.. this special arrangement. 

Fierdan: You can just tell me you were—

Jack: No! We never dated. We were never in a romantic relationship. Dylan set that boundary in stone and kept making sure I knew it was nothing more than what it was. 

Fierdan: I know that, dumbass! Dylan is aromantic and romance repulsed. 

Jack: *rubs the back of his neck, laughs awkwardly* Oh, you knew. That’s good. 

Fierdan: *sighs* Do I have to say it out loud for you? *pauses* But then again, it would be extremely awkward if I’m going to the wrong conclusions. 

Jack: *takes a deep breath before facing Fierdan* Okay. Okay then. You deserve to know. It’s been far too long.

Fierdan: *is about to say something then decides against it and keeps his mouth shut* 

Jack: For a few months, Dylan and I were friends with benefits. We stayed in a friends with benefits relationship until.. until just before you and the rest of them arrived here. We cut things off, and there’s nothing between us anymore. *pauses* Wait. Do you know what friends with benefits means? 

Fierdan: *sighs* Who do you take me for? 

Jack: *looks worried* Umm…

Fierdan: Of course I know. 

Jack: *blurts out* I’m sorry for hiding it from you for so long. Oh god, this is so awkward to talk about. Like.. you guys. Fire and water. Opposites. And I had sex with both of you. Ugh, I’m sorry. Why can’t I shut up? Please don’t hate me for this. It was a long time ago. 

Fierdan: Well, yeah, I feel weird and awkward as hell if I think about it in detail. I mean, you’re my boyfriend and we’ve been together for several months now, and he’s a friend of mine as well now.. I mean, acquaintances. Are we friends? I’m not sure. But like.. we know each other and see each other often. It’s not like we’re strangers by any means. 

Jack: Ah yeah, that’s fair. *fidgets with his hands* Dylan found out that I talked to you about our friendship, then he found out I never told you that big detail, and he put pressure on me to tell you. I mean, it is better for me to tell you than him, I suppose? He probably could say it more eloquently, but it’s fine. This is fine. Now you know. Please don’t kill me. Or him for that matter. 

Fierdan: Stop overthinking. I don’t hate you for what you did, and I’m not going to kill anyone. Slow down and breathe. 

Jack: So.. So what do you think? 

Fierdan: *arches eyebrow* And what’s that supposed to mean? 

Jack: Just.. how does learning all this make you feel? *taps fingers on the edge of the couch* 

Fierdan: Why do you care so much about what I think? We weren’t together when you were having sex with Dylan. We probably didn’t even know the other existed back then, so tell me. Why the hell would I give a shit? 

Jack: Because we’re a couple now. And.. and…

Fierdan: Look, Jack, here’s the thing. I don’t have enough fucks to give to get all caught up and emotional over everyone you fucked or got fucked by before me. I know the list is longer than just Dylan and myself. You’re acting silly. 

Jack: Ah yeah, that’s true. You know me well. I guess I got so worried because it was with Dylan and not with some random guy you never met or heard of. And.. well, it’s stupid but…

Fierdan: Hmm? *scoots closer to Jack on the couch* 

Jack: I’ve been in rather shitty gay social circles in the past. And I just know that if they ever found out that I had sex with Dylan, they would say I’m a fraud and shouldn’t call myself a gay man. So what if I’m attracted to men only and Dylan is a man? That’s not what they’ll think. *sighs* They’re transphobic pieces of shit, those guys, but they messed me up badly and I’m paranoid they’ll find me again. I shouldn’t care what they think, and I disagree with them on so many things now, but.. I’m scared he’s going to find me again. I’m a white cis gay. I have privileges. I’m just scared of them finding out about my friends, those I care about.. you. 

Fierdan: *covers Jack’s fidgeting hand with his own, gives a gentle squeeze* Those guys are pathetic assholes. They’re the ones in the wrong if they think Dylan is a woman. *sighs* Trans men are men, trans women are women, and nonbinary people are, well, whatever genders they say there are. 

Jack: Heh. I just know that those shitheads will hate you too. If you’re not a white cisgender gay man or lesbian, they’ll hate you. *sighs* Yeah, they were racist. 

Fierdan: So they would hate me for being bisexual? It really is such a crime to not be exclusively attracted to the same sex, huh? What a sad life they must live, believing bigoted exclusionist shit. *puts one of his legs over Jack’s* And not just that. Are you saying those pricks would also hate me for being mixed? That’s fucking sad. *pauses* Where did you even meet and get involved with people like that? 

Jack: Yeah, they were bad. I hope they changed their ways, but I have no motivation to check. I’m probably dead to them already for so many reasons. Especially him. *his hand starts trembling* 

Fierdan: *squeezes his hand again* It’s okay. If they consider you dead, then they’re dead to us too. Except if you want to be ghosts and haunt them. I’d be up for that. 

Jack: Thanks for the support. *looks up at the ceiling* As for your questions, I met them a long time ago. I forgot how many years it’s been since then. *sighs* I had a rough journey to come to the point where I am now. Like, you know, being so accepting and not a bigoted asshole basically. It also took me years to embrace my sexuality and not see it as a source of shame and trauma. I did lots of things I regret because of it. I didn’t really deny it, but I suppressed it and kept it to myself for my own safety and survival for years. And me being a closeted kid who didn’t know any better, who lived such an isolated life and didn’t know anything beyond that small world.. when I finally did find a gay social group, they ended up being bigots with the only difference being these ones were gay. I didn’t know any better. It definitely didn’t help that the world I grew up in was very.. not diverse. It was very old-fashioned, stuck in the past. Like, decades upon decades in the past. 

Fierdan: I don’t know what to reply with, so can I give you a hug instead? 

Jack: *looks down, faces Fierdan* Are you fine with that? 

Fierdan: I’m the one who offered. And no, I don’t feel like my skin is on fire anymore or that any touch will scar me. I’m better now. *closes his eyes as he smiles* 

Jack: *smiles back* Okay then sure. You can hug me. 

Fierdan: Great! *climbs into Jack’s lap, his arms wrapping around Jack’s neck or shoulders, his legs wrapping around the other man’s torso* 

Jack: *blushes* Oh, you meant this. And.. *grimaces* Be careful where you’re sitting, damn it! You’re on my groin. 

Fierdan: *grins deviously* I’m feeling horny again. I need to be touched. Only by you. 

Jack: Damn it, Fierdan. 

Fierdan: What? Do you not want to? I can stop—

Jack: *blushes more* No, don’t stop. It’s just that your sudden changes in mood, emotions, attitude.. all of it.. can give me vertigo. It’s a rollercoaster. I need time to process. Sure, my mind is usually racing and lots of trains of thought are happening at the same time, but still. 

Fierdan: Yesterday.. god, you have no idea how much you fucked me up. We can discuss the note I left you later. I still need to talk about it with you, but now.. *brushes his bangs away from his forehead* we have more pressing matters. 

Jack: Fuck… Why do you somehow look even hotter when you move your hair like that? It should be illegal. 

Fierdan: I’m already illegal, darling. *pauses* Shit, shit, shit. Not like that. 

Jack: Because of what we do. Because you were a wanted man and a killer. Because you’re you. Hell, I did lots of criminal things myself. 

Fierdan: Yes, that. That’s exactly what I meant. 

Jack: We’re adults who are nearly the same age. What else would it be? 

Fierdan: *responds by leaning close to Jack so their foreheads touch, then pulling away and giving him a quick kiss on the nose*  

Jack: A nose kiss? I didn’t expect that. 

Fierdan: Darling, I’m unpredictable. You should know this by now. 

Jack: Yeah, of course. If you wanted to know how my nose piercing felt on your lips, then who am I to stop you? You do you. 

Fierdan: Well.. hmm.. it tastes like metal. 

Jack: *laughs* You’re so silly, Danny boy. 

Fierdan: It’s so cute when you call me Danny. It’s like yes. I am your Danny boy. 

Jack: *kisses Fierdan on the lips* 

Fierdan: *blushes when Jack’s tongue slips into his mouth, starts moving his hips while sitting on top of Jack* 

Jack: *pulls away several seconds later* Now that’s how it’s done. 

Fierdan: I.. I see. *stops moving, tries to regulate his breathing* Damn, my heart is still beating so fast from all the caffeine. You’re also making my heart race, so rescue it if it beats out of my chest or explodes. 

Jack: Take off your hoodie. 

Fierdan: Good idea. We should unbutton our pants while we’re at it. 

Jack: I mean, yeah, we should at this rate, but just your hoodie is enough for now. 

Fierdan: Sure. Hold on. *takes off the hoodie, revealing a T-shirt underneath* Want me to take my shirt off too? 

Jack: It’s good enough. 

Fierdan: For what? 

Jack: *presses his palm to Fierdan’s chest, closes his eyes as he feels his heartbeat* Mm, I’m not sure what a fast heartbeat really is anymore because of my meds, but I’m pretty sure yours is beating faster than it usually is. I assume so anyway because of all that coffee. And myself. 

Fierdan: Do you feel it? It’s so fast. Maybe we should stop. Ugh, I don’t want to though. 

Jack: Stop exaggerating. Your heart isn’t gonna explode. At least I highly doubt it. 

Fierdan: *rolls eyes* Wow, you’re so reassuring. 

Jack: *grins, starts touching Fierdan in other places* 

Fierdan: *blushes again* Oh.. oh fuck! 

Jack: Hmm? *bites lip seductively* 

Fierdan: Is it fucked up that I’m feeling this way after you told me the news about you and Dylan? Did I curse myself? 

Jack: *face looks blank for a few seconds* Oh.. fuck, I don’t know. 

Fierdan: Also, when you told me, I had to stop myself from saying “I figured”—

Jack: What? You’re still thinking about all that while we’re—

Fierdan: Ugh, I’m sorry. It would’ve been weird of me to say “I figured” in response to you telling me you two were friends with benefits. That’s just weird. 

Jack: *arches eyebrow, frowns* And you mentioning it now, in the middle of our.. activities, is less weird? *shakes head* Was it that obvious that we had that kind of relationship? Or did he just end up telling you himself? You spent hours together last night, right? 

Fierdan: No, no. Dylan never told me outright. It was just easy for me to come to that conclusion based on how he reacted to some things I said. 

Jack: What the hell did you two talk about? 

Fierdan: I was just messing with him, that’s all. You know how he is. 

Jack: What did you do last night, Fierdan? 

Fierdan: No more ‘Danny boy’ then? 

Jack: *looks annoyed* Fierdan! What the hell did you do? 

Fierdan: See, it’s funny. I asked him if he wanted to have sex— not anything romantic, of course— like a hate fuck to release some.. tension, and he freaked out. He was all like “I have standards” and that killed me. Then I kept dragging the joke on— after I told him I wasn’t serious and how he isn’t my type, mind you— and then he got in on it, and we both ended up joking about me fucking him. It was just a fucked up joke. He even made a comment about me giving you head. Sucking your cock. It was hilarious. He’s a dirty, sly bastard like we both are. 

Jack: *frowns* So you still want to fuck him? Because you found out I used to? 

Fierdan: No, no. I started saying that shit before I found out. 

Jack: So.. So what does that mean? 

Fierdan: Nothing! It was just a joke.

Jack: *yells* Who the fuck says that kind of shit? What the fuck is your problem? 

Fierdan: Why are you so worked up? 

Jack: Because you really are an asshole! *shoves Fierdan off his lap* 

Fierdan: *rubs his side* No need to be so harsh. 

Jack: *laughs coldly* You’re funny if you think I’ll still be willing to have sex with you. 

Fierdan: What? Why? 

Jack: The fact that you’re asking… *punches a cushion on the couch* Fuck you, Fierdan. Fuck you. 

Fierdan: I could only assume that you and Dylan shared some.. history after I saw his reaction when I talked about how sexual I am with you. It would be better with more context, but this is what I basically told him: “It further proves how much Duke is influencing me. Except not really. Duke can’t take all the credit. I’m sexual enough without Duke interference. Ask Jack.” And he.. hearing me say your name in that context made him react. Like, oh shit. There had to be something going on. And my suspicions were correct.

Jack: You are really testing my patience. 

Fierdan: I’ll explain then! You should also know that my current state of existence.. this version of myself.. is a combination of my Duke self and my Cincernum era self. At different times, it feels like they’re controlling or influencing me more than the other. I mean, I’m still my own person. I’m not either of them, not exactly, but I have like two souls and sets of memories now. I don’t feel like I’m a single entity. I’m not normal. I know that. Hey, are you even still listening? 

Jack: You’re not normal. You’re insane. What else is new? 

Fierdan: What are you on about? I’m talking to you about how my mind works. 

Jack: Good for you. 

Fierdan: Are you being passive aggressive on purpose? 

Jack: Me? Passive aggressive? Oh no. 

Fierdan: Stop that! You’re starting to get on my nerves. 

Jack: You shouldn’t have said that shit to Dylan or me. In what world do you think I would let that shit pass? You need to be called out for it. Damn it, it’s not fucking okay to do that! 

Fierdan: Why are you so angry? 

Jack: You’re one to talk about anger. You and your brother… *laughs coldly* 

Fierdan: Jack, wait. I’m sorry, okay? I love you more than any—

Jack: If that’s how you act when I’m not around, then how can I trust you? 

Fierdan: Trust? What? 

Jack: Do I have to define ‘trust’ for you? 

Fierdan: Of course not. *glares at Jack, tone of voice changes, stands up* You really are a fucking hypocrite. You talk about trust and how you can’t trust me when.. when you… *tears form in his eyes* How can I trust you when you’re constantly tormenting me? Am I a puppet again? Are you my new puppet master? 

Jack: *stands up and takes a few steps back* What are you pulling now, Fierdan? 

Fierdan: No. What are you pulling? Manipulating is what you do best. It’s how you survived in this cold, cruel world. Creating illusions, messing with people’s perceptions.. that’s what you do. *sighs* You are the master manipulator. I was warned not to trust you. I’m done. I’m sick of being treated like a toy that everyone can mess around with. I’m fucking done! You hear me? I am done. 

Jack: *looks less angry and more scared* What are you talking about? I wasn’t manipulating you. It’s not a lie. 

Fierdan: How can I trust you? You’re the master manipulator, after all. 

Jack: God.. what does that even mean? Who told you that? 

Fierdan: Why should I tell you? *sighs* They did. 

Jack: Who? 

Fierdan: You should know. I know what you did. 

Jack: And what did I do? 

Fierdan: *yells* The dead should stay dead! 

Jack: Fierdan, I mean it. What are you talking about? Are you struggling with psychosis again? It’s not real. Or Soulless is haunting you again. It’s gone now. Soulless can’t hurt you anymore. 

Fierdan: It wasn’t Soulless! It was them. Those three who died. I didn’t exactly murder them, but they all died because of me. I miss them, yeah, but it doesn’t mean you have the right to trick me and the rest of us into thinking they’re still alive or somehow came back to life. That’s not right! 

Jack: You are sleep deprived and running only on caffeine. I’m going to leave, so you can rest. Okay? 

Fierdan: You can’t just leave now! What the fuck? 

Jack: *grabs the shirt* Oh, really? Then watch me. *opens the front door and exits through it, closing the door behind him* 

——————————————

What a rollercoaster. 

That was a lot. 

End of Confessions, part 6. 

~ Shan / Shyrah