End of May (Me) + Characters Trash Thoughts ???

 Hi, I'm back. *insert some kind of intro here* 

Alright so, I found out something. I'm able to comment signed in to my Google account when I'm on my computer. So that's good. But my phone said no. My phone won't let me. So that's not good. It's annoying and I have no way to fix it. 

*sigh* cowboy sad *sigh* 

(... what?) (just go along with it)

I'm typing this on my computer. I haven't done this in ages. Yes, I've been typing all the skit posts on my phone. I have problems, okay.

Anyway, what did I want to talk about? Hmm...

Well, it's the last day of May 2023. It's already June in most places, but I'm in America, so.. yeah. 

Where did the time go? I have no idea. My birthday was around a week ago. I'm a year older now. That's crazy. I keep getting older, and I hate it. I hate being an adult and having to do adult responsibilities. Also like, who and what the heck am I? I have no clue. Inside my head feels clouded and like there are fish swimming around in circles. 

About my mind, I realized something a few weeks ago. It's this: I have a few brain cells left. And each one is a character in my recent skits. 

They are constantly bickering in my head and thoughts. It's funny, yeah, but it's also obnoxious. Look, I get that he's an asshole. That's the point. I hate him lmao. *cough* Fierdan *cough*

Oh wait. Let me start over. My last few brain cells are these: Stella, Dylan, Fierdan, Ryen, and Jack. There is a ton of conflict and bickering. It's funny though. Like hahaha, you know? 

My last three brain cells: Stella, Fierdan, and Dylan in my recent skits. Yes. It just is. 

They are all very different from me, but they're also all me. It's weird and makes no sense, but that's just how it is. 

(Yeah, I'm not okay right now. lmao XD)

... I feel like clarifying the ages of my characters in my skits yet again. Okay so, this is how I view their ages:

- Fierdan: 22-24 years old 

- Jack: 23-25 years old (is a few months to a year older than Fierdan)

- Dawn: 20-22 years old (is nearly 2 years younger than Fierdan)

- Ryen: 26-28 years old (is 4 years older than Fierdan)

- Stella: 18-19 years old 

- Dylan: 19-20 years old (is around a year older than Stella)

Uh.. so yeah. Those age ranges. Mhmm. 20s vibes. Yeah. Mhmm. 

... I'm joking about the brain cells. You know that, right? Right, guys, right? I'm not being completely serious. 

It really does feel like those three (Stella, Dylan, Fierdan) are different sides to my personality/self-perception. They're all so different, so it's pretty funny. Yeah lmao, I have no idea who or what I am. Identity issues, woo! *insert a keysmash here*

Stella is probably most like me but off. There are major differences between me and her. So maybe I'm most like Dylan. We're similar but not the same. Like okay, if I wasn't ace/ace-spec and am a binary trans guy instead of nonbinary gender *flails hands and shrugs* genderqueer, then yeah, maybe I would be Dylan. 

Oh, I know! My thoughts about my sexuality are on a metronome ticking between Stella and Fierdan. I thought I was like Stella. Lots of what she is and says resonate me (being asexual and sex-repulsed or averse). But for a while now, it's been confusing for me to figure out. Like, screw it, maybe I'm bi or pan. idk anymore. I'm not straight, that's all I know lmao. 

Of course I'm not like actually like Fierdan because.. come on, he basically fulfills the role of my impulsivity (violent and self-destructive edition). Impulsive thoughts toward sex, maybe love (??), and drugs and alcohol. Yep, that's him. Oh and the relationship difficulties and identity disturbances (well, kind of). He fills that role. I like to put all that shit onto him, and he makes it his own until I don't see myself in him anymore (or at least no one else can). 

Fierdan also really just embodies my intrusive thoughts, but in another way from how Soulless and Taurel do. Like, he suffers from intrusive thoughts from all his trauma, but his existence also makes up my intrusive thoughts (the violence, the homicidal intrusive thoughts, the urge to burn everything (destroy it all), the borderline of becoming an addict). Yeah sorry, it's hard for me to articulate. I doubt I'm making any sense. Oh well. 

He doesn't have OCD though. I've been wondering if Dylan and/or Ryen have/has OCD, but I'm not sure yet. 

Does Fierdan suffer from psychosis? Maybe? Who the hell knows? *shrugs* Mentally unstable.. mmmffghfghfh.

... So far, this is the only dialogue I have planned for the next Confessions skit part. I haven't decided which character says it yet. (lmao)

Character @ Fierdan: You look like shit. 

Who says it? I'm not sure. Will it be Jack, Brock, Dylan, Ryen, or some other character I haven't thought of yet? Well, only time will tell. *shrugs*

And what's Fierdan doing? Why does he open his front door? Does the other character just barge into his apartment? I don't know. I can imagine Fierdan drinking coffee or smoking a cigarette when it happens. 

It's funny because Fierdan was just dissing Dylan's outfit the night before and the next day he looks like shit and smells like burnt trash. How ironic. He looks and smells like shit. Take another shower, Fierdan, please. *smh*

I also can't decide on whether to make Fierdan and Jack's first interaction be silly and not-that-serious, or if I should crank up the angst and hide my tears from falling down. It's a disaster, and they're impulsive as hell with histories of being manipulative just in different ways. Problematic impulsive couple for real! Ahhhhhh—

I have lots of thoughts about Dawn as well. I'd rather keep them to myself for now though. 

Dawn, making me question my sexuality. *smh, smh* Why is she so pretty and gorgeous and lovely? Like, shit, you have no idea. Damn..!!

And we all know how I (mostly as a joke, I swear, but it's not entirely, even I know that) have a crush on Fierdan. We all know, okay (*crying, sobbing, rolling on the floor*). 

But like it's gay. With Dawn, it's gay. With Fierdan, it's gay. I am girlboygirlboygirl boygirl but also nothing. Yes. Me. 

But with Dylan now too. Because.. he! His attitude, his personality.. how he's also autistic. Like, mm okay. 

... *head is empty, stares at screen with a blank look in my eyes* huh.

~*void*~

Picture time! Wahoo!!

*insert self advertisement here about how these are my products (they're mine!) and something about my joke of an Etsy shop :3 meow meow meow~*

~more void~

!!!

I took these pictures on her birthday this year. My kitty cat baby is 11 years old! My Thelma baby (wahhhh)!! <3

I bought the tuxedo cat stuffed animal because it kinda-but-not-really looks like Thelma. 

No, every tuxedo cat I meet looks like Thelma. They're all her. Every cat is the same. *smh, smh* (am kidding, please laugh like hahaha :) yes)

meow meow meow meow meow me—

... "Oh deer!" haha I'm so funny. mood. that's me. you look at me and go "oh dear!" but it's a deer, so it becomes "oh deer!" :D hehe haha XD

meow meow me-ow ~*~*~

Anyway, have these pictures of some of my characters with absolutely no context. Them! Look at them! You must! 

(Actually, I don't really care. I'll make an official Picrew post later.)

... who are they? 

heh heh heh >:)

them <3 

... I'll introduce them as best I can and show everyone else when I make a proper Picrew post. Just have this for now. Alright?

Actually, have these too. :')

hehe :3

Main or better known characters of mine coming later. Let these fellas have the spotlight for once. 

(The last one in that ugly green sweater is Brock. Just thought I'd put it out there.)

It's the end of May. 

End of May. End of me. 

It's the end. 

~ Shan, Shyrah, whatever my name is. 

Confessions 5 (skit)

Hi, I’m here to post part 5 of the Confessions skit series. 

It’s been less than a week since part 4, I know, but I already had planned out the majority of what will happen in this one before I was finished with part 4.

That’s because part 5 doesn’t happen in chronological order. Part 5 (this post’s skit) takes place between the end of part 3 and the start of part 4.. well, with a few minutes between the end of part 3 and the start of part 5. So I guess in chronological order, the events will go part 3, part 5, and then part 4. I hope that explanation is sufficient. 

Anyway, a few more points I want to mention before starting the skit. 

These 2023 skits, particularly all in the Confessions series, are loosely based on events I have for story 2. Well, at least more so than the skit series I wrote in 2018, for example. 

There are, of course, some differences. *cough* The infamous coffee shop dream. It never fully escaped my head even after all these years. I even wrote about it during an April Fool’s skit a few years ago. 

Yes, my sanity is questionable. Plus, I am problematic and evil. >:3 

The ending of part 4 with Fierdan and Jack is another skit-only thing. It’s the skit version of the conflict. Well, the very start of it. And.. it breaks my heart. 

Okay, I might just want to make them return as skit characters. I miss them. It doesn’t make sense for them to be present in the story 2 canon, but like.. I miss them. … I hope I don’t have to spell it out who the three of them are. Please… </3

Another point is this: There’s an elephant in the room. I know. I’m well aware of it. 

I don’t really see any point in beating around the bush anymore. It’s been subtle in my skits and even in story 1 for years now. Sure, I was never that blunt and explicit about it in the past, but like.. is it really that shocking that sexuality is present just like violence is? And besides, the violence is more graphic and explicit than anything explicitly sexual. The latter is really just characters talking, not the actions and scenes themselves.

Come on, haha, I’ve called Fierdan’s existence rated R or M for mature before. He isn’t meant for child audiences. Come on now. 

That also includes Duke and Jack. Others too like Dylan, but especially those three. Ugh, don’t get me started on Jack. 

I’ll admit that parts 3 and 4 were a bit much. They were a lot. The next part won’t have as many mentions of sexual content or any at all. This part has some as well, to be clear.

One last thing: I have lots of queer characters. I’m older now and tired of trying to censor their queerness. Same goes for my own. I began planning out their not-being-cishet years ago. This isn’t a spontaneous thing for “woke” points or whatever. This is who they are. 

This isn’t a place for homophobes, transphobes, and queerphobes. It never was and never will be. This is a pro-LGBTQ+, pro-queer space. 

With all that out of the way, it’s time for the list of warnings which I feel obligated to show. 

**WARNINGS: strong/explicit language, mentions of violence (including murder and death) and sexual content. 

————————————

[This skit part takes place between parts 3 and 4. It starts a few minutes after the end of part 3. The three are on Stella’s couch: Dylan on one end, Stella in the middle, Fierdan on the other end. There is a bag of mini pretzels on the coffee table by the couch. Stella has calmed down a little, having just rubbed her eyes and dried the tears away.] 

Stella: So, is this going to be like a therapy session? 

Dylan: *says under his breath* A therapy session? What a joke. *grabs another pretzel and pops it in his mouth* 

Fierdan: Yeah, sure, hold on a minute. *takes off the jacket he’s been wearing since he entered Stella’s apartment, stands up, and folds it over the back of the closest chair* 

Dylan: *glances at Fierdan standing by the chair* Is that suede? 

Fierdan: *turns from looking at the jacket to Dylan and back again* My jacket? 

Dylan: What else would I be talking about? 

Fierdan: Uh… *rubs the back of his neck* I guess that’s fair. 

Dylan: Why did you even wear it here? In fact, why are you wearing your current outfit at all? Are you sure you aren’t going out later tonight? 

Fierdan: *sighs* Here comes the bombardment of questions. I’m too tired to go out after this. I don’t have any other plans for the night. 

Dylan: Aren’t you a night owl? 

Fierdan: Yeah, so what? 

Dylan: Then what’s with the suede jacket, the patterned buttoned shirt, and the dress pants? You look like you dressed up for a date. 

Stella: *has been tapping her fingers on the edge of the coffee table, blushes* D-Date? Who said anything about a date? 

Fierdan: *frowns* This isn’t a date. You should know better. *sighs* Then again, you assumed I came here to assault Stella because of.. what? How I look? 

Dylan: *lowers head* I know, I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. 

Fierdan: Are you that insecure in how you look that you have to do that shit? Are you jealous that I have a sense of fashion and care about my appearance? 

Dylan: *frowns* What is that supposed to mean? Are you judging the clothes I chose to wear to hang out with a friend in the evening? 

Stella: *smiles when she hears “friend” and eats a few pretzels* 

Fierdan: If that’s what you think, then sure. *walks back to the couch and sits down*

Dylan: *looks down at his sweatpants* Hey, they’re comfy. I like these sweatpants. 

Fierdan: *smirks* At least Stella is wearing jeans. Those pants and that T-shirt.. do you even care about what you look like? 

Dylan: *hands form fists* You’re such an asshole. 

Stella: *sighs* Guys, please, not now. *fidgets with her hands* How should I start this? 

Dylan: Just spill it. 

Fierdan: *rolls eyes* Wow, you’re so helpful. 

Dylan: *glares at Fierdan, angrily grabs another pretzel* 

Stella: *takes a deep breath* It haunts me how I didn’t really feel anything when those events happened. I feel like they should’ve affected me more, but they just don’t. It’s hard not to feel convinced that I’m heartless and am cold as ice. *stares at her hands* There has to be something wrong with me. 

Dylan: You’re such a sweet person to think that when he’s here. He’s the one who isn’t normal and has a long list of things wrong with him. 

Fierdan: Wow, thanks so much. He’s saying the truth though. *crosses his legs* 

Stella: I’m just scared that I don’t truly feel anything. *sighs* Maybe my depression was at an all-time low back then. That’s probably it. 

Fierdan: *faces Stella* If it’s still bothering you, talk about it. Here, with us. This isn’t a formal therapy session. 

Dylan: Well, obviously it isn’t. 

Stella: I know, I know. *relaxes her tense shoulders* You’re right. *lets out a long breath* The truth is… 

Fierdan: Yes? 

Stella: There was a time when I nearly killed my parents. I was just so angry at everything and everyone. 

Fierdan: *grabs a few pretzels* Who am I to judge? I killed my father. 

Dylan: *mutters* How many times do you have to remind us? *speaks louder, to Stella* You didn’t, right? 

Stella: No. *shakes head* No, I didn’t. But I was very close to. Well, injuring them. 

Fierdan: *with a pretzel in his mouth* There’s a difference between causing an injury and murdering someone. 

Dylan: *rolls eyes* So annoying. 

Stella: I.. I know. I didn’t care at all about them, nor was I aware of how far I could’ve gone if.. if he didn’t intervene. I could’ve very possibly had my mother and father killed because of my power. It’s dangerous. I can be a danger to others. 

Fierdan: We all are. 

Stella: *nods* Yeah, I know. But still… 

Dylan: Sorry to interrupt, but who is this ‘he’ you speak of? 

Stella: Oh, uh, it was Jack. 

Dylan: Oh.. I see. Jack sure is an interesting fellow. *scratches the back of his neck* 

Fierdan: Yeah, he’s kind of like a savior. More of one than Taurel ever was, that’s for sure. Jack saved Stella and me from doing things we would later regret. He saved me when I was Duke and wanted to destroy Taurel and fuck him up beyond any recognition. 

Stella: Mhmm. It’s not just that though. 

Dylan: What? 

Stella: I haven’t seen my parents since that day. Back then, I didn’t worry about whether they were safe. *her hands start trembling* I.. I don’t even know if they’re alive or dead. I have no idea if they survived the end of the world. I just.. I didn’t give a shit about them. What kind of daughter am I to be this.. this… 

Fierdan: From what I remember you telling Duke, your parents were terrible people. There’s nothing wrong with you for reacting the way you did. 

Stella: I mean, yeah, but… *shakes head* No! Of course you won’t get it! *hastily grabs a few pretzels* 

Dylan: Violence isn’t the answer. Fierdan has to stop normalizing it. 

Fierdan: *uncrosses legs* Hey, I don’t normalize violence. I don’t promote that shit. 

Dylan: *arches eyebrow, faces Fierdan* Oh, really? Are you sure about that? 

Fierdan: Stop demonizing me! 

Dylan: I’m just stating the facts. 

Fierdan: *sighs, doesn’t look at either of them, leans back* It’s too hot in here. *unbuttons the top button of his shirt, sighs again* 

Stella: *frowns, to Fierdan* My parents were still regular, ordinary people. They weren’t even close to being on the same level as yours. Despite everything, I hope mine are okay. I don’t know what I would do with myself if my very last interaction with them was that one. 

Dylan: Give up, Stella. Fierdan is beyond saving. He can’t sympathize and empathize with anyone who doesn’t completely hate their parents, even if they did harmful things. 

Fierdan: Ugh, shut up. 

Dylan: Alright. Prove me wrong then. 

Fierdan: *looks like he’s about to say something but only kicks the closest leg of the table to him* 

Dylan: *grins* Thought so. 

Stella: Alright, alright. Maybe I’m not actually heartless if I’m thinking these thoughts. I’m not a heartless killer.

Dylan: Of course you aren’t. 

Fierdan: I’m a killer, yeah yeah, but I’m not heartless. I killed passionately, I love passionately, I have sex passionately—

Dylan: Shut the hell up. You are such a nuisance. 

Fierdan: Your insults only make me want to laugh, shortie. 

Dylan: I can’t help being short! 

Fierdan: You’re a short king. Is that better? 

Dylan: *sighs* Sure, whatever, I don’t care. 

Stella: *ignoring both of them* I can’t help wondering why it took me this long to start thinking this way. Instead of, you know, being a cold, heartless and emotionless monster. 

Fierdan: *folds his arms behind his head* Severe depressive episode moment. Being so apathetic and not giving a shit about anyone or anything. You can only think about your own suffering and pain that everyone else’s doesn’t exist. You’re so caught up in your own head and you’re so self-centered, but at the same time, you have no self-esteem and wish you were dead. 

Dylan: *stares at Fierdan* 

Fierdan: Why are you staring at me like that? I have a long history of depression. Duke, too. 

Stella: Yeah, it’s probably just my silly depression, ha ha. *pauses* Damn, did it really take me that wrong to get out of that episode? Like, fuck, I can’t believe I felt nothing. *pauses again* No, it can’t just be due to depression. It can’t. No, that makes no sense. *shakes head* Ugh, I don’t know! 

Dylan: One thing at a time. Take your time, Stella. 

Fierdan: Yeah, what he said. 

Stella: It’s funny in a way. During our last interaction, they thought I was a boy. That’s what I heard them say. I know they were referring to me. *sighs* They didn’t even recognize their own daughter. But at the same time, being called a ‘boy’ felt relieving. That I didn’t have to keep all the pressure with everything between us. I was able to just be a stranger. 

Fierdan: It’s not ridiculous, to be honest. Back then, you recently cut your hair short— like a messy pixie cut— and you don’t exactly dress feminine. You could easily pass as a boy if people aren’t paying much attention. 

Dylan: Why is hearing that giving me an odd sense of gender euphoria? 

Stella: I don’t know, could it be because you’re a transmasc individual? *giggles* 

Dylan: Oh yeah, that’s right! Thanks for reminding me. *giggles* 

Stella: *smiles* No problem. 

Fierdan: Your giggling is cute, Dylan. 

Dylan: *blushes, turns away* You.. You stay out of this, Fire Dan. 

Fierdan: You calling me that is adorable. I’ll allow it from you. 

Dylan: *frowns* Oh my god, shut up! 

Stella: During that time with my parents, I was in the middle of having a identity crisis. I still don’t know for sure who I am, but man.. it was so bad back then. It makes me cringe when I think back on it. *pauses* I just.. I know this sounds stupid, but… 

Dylan: It’s not stupid. What is it? 

Stella: I.. I wanted to become Duke. 

Dylan: *swallows a few times, stammers* Oh.. I.. I see. 

Stella: Stupid of me, I know. God, I’m so embarrassing. 

Dylan: I don’t know why you chose him. Was it because he was the only one your age you spent the most time with during those months? 

Stella: Well.. yeah. I think I just thought he looked so cool, and I wanted his attitude and confidence. I wish I could be like that. 

Fierdan: Sorry, I’m still processing how you wanted to be Duke. You had to have known how fucked up he was mentally at that point. *smirks* Except if mentally unstable and insane guys are your type. 

Dylan: Shut up, bastard. 

Stella: *blushes a little* No, you’re right. Of course I knew it. At least part of it. But I still wanted to become Duke. I wanted to be just like him. I know it makes no sense. 

Dylan: No. 

Stella: *looks at Dylan* Huh? 

Dylan: To be real with you, it’s not completely ridiculous to wish to copy the appearances and mannerisms of those you admire and love, even if it’s him. 

Stella: *blushes more* I didn’t love Duke anymore at that point. I don’t think I’ve been capable of love— or even faking it— after that. 

Dylan: Okay, then maybe it was gender envy. You said you liked being perceived as a guy, right? 

Stella: Well, yeah, it was nice. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be a guy, but I’m not one. *stares at the ceiling* I never really felt attached to my feminine body parts. Actually, I’d sometimes wish there was nothing there… I mean, look at me. I like wearing loose and baggy clothing that hides my figure, especially my chest. 

Dylan: All of that is relatable as a trans man. 

Stella: Ugh, I should’ve figured out that I’m not straight earlier. There were so many signs that I’m asexual. 

Fierdan: *swallows a pretzel* Like how you only let Duke put his hands on your chest to feel your heartbeat, and you his, and you kept on not wanting him to touch and squeeze your boobs. 

Stella: Uh.. yeah. Fuck, I hate having boobs. I wish everyone was like me and treated mine like they don’t exist. I’m not attached to mine at all; they’re just there. 

Dylan: God, this is so relatable. I’m so glad I got top surgery. 

Stella: Plus, letting someone touch my chest that way and my butt.. it just feels too much like sexual contact with me. Even with clothes on. It’s just too much. 

Fierdan: So, you basically wanted to be Duke because one, he was the only male around your age that you spent time with; two, you still admired and were attracted to him in some way that the three of us don’t understand fully; three, you felt disconnected from your female body and thought being a male would be more freeing; and four, you’re ace and that’s why you don’t like having certain body parts because of how mainstream society treats them. 

Stella: Uh.. yeah. You got it. Basically. Umm.. well, yeah. *pauses* But I still see myself as female, despite how I feel about my body. If others perceive me as male, then it just feels like a costume I’m putting on. I don’t genuinely feel like a guy, so I’m not trans. I’m not like you, Dylan. I’m sorry. 

Dylan: No need to be sorry. Femininity isn’t just a one type thing. There are so many different types of women out there. And besides, we all know that gender expression doesn’t equal gender identity. Fierdan, for example, occasionally wears makeup and nail polish as well as skirts and dresses. He’s still certain about being a man. I mean, I haven’t met a cis guy do all that for fun and just for himself before, but well.. he can do whatever the hell he wants. I have to respect that, honestly. 

Fierdan: What’s that? A compliment from Dylan? 

Dylan: *sighs* Yes, I guess so. 

Fierdan: I feel honored. Genuinely. *smirks* Maybe you really do love me. 

Dylan: Don’t push it. 

Fierdan: Not denying it, huh? I see.

Dylan: I don’t love anyone. 

Fierdan: Damn. 

Dylan: You have a partner whom you love very much based on how much you talk about him. And for fuck’s sake, I’m aromantic. I don’t do romance. 

Fierdan: I never said I wanted to be in a romantic relationship with you. I was messing with you earlier about having sex once.. a one-time thing. Of course that’s not gonna possibly happen unless Jack and I break up, and *grins* that’s not happening. *leans back, crosses legs* The only non-platonic relationship I’d have with you is a purely physical one. No filthy romantic fluff; we’ll skip straight to the smut. 

Dylan: *face is a little red* You sure are someone. I have no words. 

Fierdan: *unbuttons another button on his shirt* I’m so fucking gay. 

Stella: We all know. I’d be surprised if anyone doesn’t know. 

Fierdan: Men are just so… *bites lip* Women, too. Why are people so hot? They have no right to make my heart race and give me butterflies in my stomach. And holy shit, their bodies. I meet a hot guy or chick at the club, and the horny thoughts come like “I want to fuck this person right now” or “I want to be fucked by this person right now”.. not really since I’m taken, but god.. sometimes my body just wants to fuck. There are too many hot and gorgeous people out there. 

Stella: Fierdan just had a bisexual moment. 

Fierdan: *stares at nothing in particular* That’s right. I’m bi as fuck. It’s a blessing and a curse. Ass and tits. Pussy. Fuck.. fuck! And cock.. holy shit, I’m gay. Fuck, fuck, fuck me.

Dylan: Stop horny-posting, I swear to god. Except it’s not even that. You’re just saying shit with no filter.

Fierdan: *wipes away sweat on his face* Anyway, haha, I’m bi. And feeling horny. Fuck, I wanna drink. 

Stella: Somehow hearing that is making me feel more confident about being ace. Like, I don’t relate to that at all. 

Dylan: He doesn’t stand for bisexuals either. Fierdan is just.. *sighs* I don’t even know. 

Fierdan: Wait, do you have any drinks on you? I’m actually thirsty. 

Stella: Alcohol, no. 

Fierdan: I don’t care about that. Just give me anything. 

Stella: Uh.. I have a pack of soda cans and another one of iced tea in my fridge. 

Dylan: *to Fierdan* Get it yourself. 

Fierdan: Ugh, fine. 

Stella: No, it’s fine. I got it.

Dylan: No, let him. *gives Stella a look* 

Stella: Uh.. okay. 

Fierdan: Whatever. *reluctantly gets up and walks to the kitchen* 

Dylan: *once Fierdan is out of earshot, speaks softly to Stella* Is there anything you want to talk about? Also like.. umm.. just because you don’t feel like a man but still feel dysphoric about your body— if you are, I mean— it doesn’t mean you can’t be trans. You could be nonbinary or genderqueer. Maybe you’re a demigirl or agender or… 

Stella: *also speaking quietly* I.. I don’t know. I haven’t given it much thought. Also, well, I’m fine with she/her pronouns. I don’t know how I feel about using other pronouns. Feels kinda weird, if I’m being honest. 

Dylan: Oh, that.. that’s fine. Sorry.

Stella: You’re good. I just.. I guess I just want to be viewed as a person. Not anything gendered. But also, I know I’m a girl. *shakes head* Sorry, I don’t want to obsess over labels. 

Dylan: No, no, that’s valid. If you still use she/her pronouns only and relate to your assigned gender at birth, then maybe it doesn’t matter that much. 

Stella: Hmm.. yeah. 

Fierdan: *enters the living room or lounge area (where they’ve been chatting all this time) holding a box of soda cans in one hand and a can of one in the other, takes a quick swig, and places the box on the coffee table* Hey, I got soda. It’s cola. Mm. *drinks more from his can* 

Stella: Uh.. right. Thanks. *takes out a can*

Fierdan: So.. uh.. what are you talking about? 

Dylan: None of your damn business, that’s what. 

Stella: *sighs* Dyl…

Fierdan: Rude as ever, I see. 

Dylan: Well, you shouldn’t have said all that shit. 

Fierdan: I know I can get impulsive, but damn. *takes a sip* Besides, Stella said it helped her or something. 

Dylan: Helped? No, no. You’re just a narcissistic ass who just—

Stella: *opens the can* Dyl, please. *sighs* It’s not exactly related, but it made me think of that reoccurring dream I had when Duke was away. I don’t even remember what. But it was when I spent the days and nights alone with Dawn. Well, it was one of my reoccurring dreams. 

Fierdan: What dream? 

Stella: *stares at the can in her hands, takes a long sip* I had a dream where Duke and I were in this empty ballroom, and we were wearing very fancy clothes—

Fierdan: Ooh, how lovely. 

Stella: I remember wearing a silvery blue dress. It looked beautiful. Duke was wearing a tuxedo.. I forgot if it was red or black.. and his eyes were entirely black, which made him look scary. Seeing his eyes like that startled me. Then seeing him in-person with his eye like that a few weeks later.. yeah, well, I was afraid. 

Fierdan: Hmm, I see. That’s interesting. 

Dylan: *mutters* Oh my god, shut the fuck up. 

Stella: And there was this ominous piano music playing. Sounded vaguely like Für Elise. 

Fierdan: Classical music. Wow, your dreams are sophisticated. 

Stella: Sure, I guess. I don’t know what else to say to that.

Fierdan: Sorry, go on. Like Dylan said, I need to shut the fuck up. 

Stella: Anyway, the two of us were dancing.. doing ballroom dancing.. and flying too since we could fly with our wings. And then.. *blushes, stares at the can in her hands* then.. at the end of a certain dance move, the distance between our two bodies was significantly smaller than it had been previous times after we did the same thing, and I just knew something was off. He just.. kept me like that; my back nearly brushing the floor, his upper body on top of mine.. and then we kissed and then his whole body was on top of mine and we were kissing and— *takes a deep breath* Sorry, I’m sorry. In the dream, I just knew he had lust in his eyes and that he wouldn’t stop, and I could picture him pinning me to the floor and crawling up on me, breaking the gap between us, and.. and it wouldn’t stop there. My gut told me this romantic dream was turning sexual, I freaked out, and woke up like it was a nightmare. Like, shit, not being excited in a dream about an attractive guy in formal clothes getting on top of you, pulling your dress up and lowering his pants, but instead feeling like you could have a panic attack.. that has to be an asexual thing, right? Right? *pauses* Fuck, fuck! What the fuck is wrong with me? It happened so many times, that same dream. It went further the more times I dreamed it.

Fierdan: Well.. damn. If Duke did any of that shit to you, I’d beat his sorry ass. 

Dylan: *sighs, rolls eyes* 

Stella: I’m terrified that I’ll be alone forever. That I won’t have anyone. I can’t form attachments to people. I couldn’t care less about my parents. I wasn’t devastated after hearing about Duke getting tortured nor after Fierdan killed him. I wasn’t even that sad. *squeezes can* I felt fucking nothing! You guys don’t understand how deep it goes. I’m a freak! 

Fierdan: Oh, really? I can’t? 

Dylan: Well, for one, you experience romantic and sexual attraction. And you’re in a relationship. 

Fierdan: I’m not good at romance. I’m like the equivalent of a dense sack of bricks when it comes to it. It’s funny how dense I can be. 

Stella: *sighs* This isn’t just about romance. *pauses* Oh shit, maybe it is. I don’t know what she wanted. 

Dylan: What do you mean? Who?

Stella: I spent weeks alone with Dawn. When Duke was running from Taurel or getting tortured by him, we got closer to each other and became friends, Dawn and I. She’s such a kind and sweet person, not like Fierdan or Ryen. *laughs, rubs the back of her neck* Anyway, I think at some point, she fell for me. She started treating me a little differently when it was just the two of us. And then.. uh.. she kissed me. A few times. And like, she’s attractive. I get that.. in theory. Her eyes, her hair, her chest… I tried so hard to love her back, to feel the same way she did about me, but I.. I just couldn’t. I was like, maybe I don’t truly like boys, so maybe I’ll feel the genuine spark and love with girls. I don’t have to pretend. But no, I never had any crushes on girls. Dawn is a pretty woman, but I didn’t feel anything for her. And I hate that! I love her personality and resilience and so many things about her. But I felt fucking nothing more than friendship, like there’s a block of ice in my chest where my heart should be.

Fierdan: Why am I not that surprised that Dawn is into other women? 

Dylan: I don’t know, man. How did you not know? 

Fierdan: I’m an absolute dumbass when it comes to romance. *turns to face Stella* It’s okay if you can’t feel any of the romantic feelings towards her or any other girl. It’s okay to not be bi.. or pan or whatever. 

Dylan: She doesn’t know if she ever had genuine romantic attraction towards anyone, period. Were you even listening? 

Fierdan: *faces Dylan* Of course I was. I’m right though. It further proves how she probably isn’t bi. 

Dylan: You know what? Fair, that’s fair. *turns to Stella* And like I said before, being on the aromantic spectrum isn’t a death sentence. It doesn’t mean you’ll be forever alone. Friends mean a lot. They do to me, and I know you care deeply about yours too. I know you see us *glances at Fierdan* as your friends. And even if you don’t have friends and aren’t interested in them, it doesn’t mean you’re broken and can’t form attachments and feel deeply. Listen to me. You’re not a fuck up for not grieving like most do, for being angry at your parents and wanting to see them hurt— as long as you don’t actually do anything severe— and you’re not one for not loving someone, no matter the type of love. You don’t need to be sorry for existing and how you live your life. You are not a fucked up, broken, heartless and loveless piece of shit. Period. 

Fierdan: That was moving. Good job.  

Dylan: Well, that’s my speech. Now I’m off to get a snack and iced tea. *stands up and goes to the kitchen*

Stella: *has tears in her eyes* Oh.. uh.. okay. Thank you, Dyl, I appreciate it. You’re a great friend. Truly. *grabs a few pretzels, eats them slowly*

Fierdan: I have to say, I respect whatever you and Dylan have going on. I don’t know when you two became friends, but it’s nice to see. You’re definitely not alone. 

Stella: Th-Thanks. 

Fierdan: He was completely right. I might’ve been talking out of my ass a lot today, but I know that he isn’t. At least when he’s talking to you. He genuinely means the shit that he says. 

Stella: Yeah, I know. He’s very blunt and honest, so.. yeah. 

Fierdan: Yeah, exactly. You get it. 

Stella: *yawns* I’m getting tired. 

Fierdan: I can go. 

Stella: No, stay. I still want to talk to the two of you. 

Fierdan: You mean it? You don’t mind? *yawns* 

Stella: I want you to stay, Danny.

Fierdan: Oh, alright. I’m here for you too.. you know that, right? 

Stella: Yes, of course I do. *smiles* 

————————————

A little more time passes before the events that happen in part 4 begin. 

Affirmations. Projecting. :’) 

Dylan is so nice and cool and validating when he wants to be. I like that dude. 

Fierdan is just.. uh.. *insert an emoji that symbolizes brain fog* that’s him. ahahaha~

Anyway, everything they talked about in this post are thoughts I’ve had about them for a long while now. These are their thoughts. These are their confessions. 

And I guess mine in part too. I have so much on my mind about my characters. They have lots to confess. I made sure of that.

It’s not always pretty and is usually complex. The truth can be ugly and it can be beautiful. 

That is the main point I want to get across. 

Good night. 

~ Shan/Shyrah

Confessions 4 (skit)

Hello, I’m back to post part 4 of the Confessions skit series. It’s been another week already. 

Part 3 sure was something, huh? … hoo boy. 

Since I finished it, I changed my ideas for this part several times. Well, at least the order of events. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the character dynamics, the relationship, between Fierdan and Dylan. They sure are something, haha. 

… … … *insert flushed emoji that looks distorted and funny here* haha, haha, ha ha, ha… help.

I don’t have anything else to say before the skit. 

Alright, see ya ~ 

**WARNINGS: strong/explicit language; mentions of drug use (smoking, drinking), sexual content, violence (including murder), and death; possible religious themes. 

———————————

[At least an hour after the end of the last skit. The time is near midnight. The setting is the same (in an area like a small living room in Stella’s apartment). The three of them are still there, sitting on a couch with a coffee table in front of it. On the table, are several cans of soda and iced tea as well as the same bag of mini pretzels and a bag of buttered popcorn. Why are they still hanging out? I’m not sure, to make the skit content entertaining, I guess. Just roll with it. I’m omitting the crying and screaming breakdown part that I originally had in mind. Things have calmed down.]

Stella: *places her can of cola down on the coffee table* There’s been something I was wondering since you came here. *takes a deep breath, turns to face Fierdan* Who are you right now? No. Who exactly is the one who entered my place and has been here since? 

Dylan: *sips from a can of iced tea* What are you talking about? It’s only Fierdan. He’s been here the whole time. 

Stella: *shakes head* No, something’s up. I was going to say something earlier, but I was too caught up in my own head, thinking about love and feelings and.. well, breaking down over it. 

Dylan: *looks warily at Fierdan* Is he.. someone else?

Stella: It’s more like “who’s the one with influence right now?” “Who’s in control?” *taps the table with her fingers* And I think I know who. 

Fierdan: *swallows a few pieces of popcorn, leans back on the couch, sighs* You noticed, huh? 

Dylan: Noticed what? Please explain what’s going on. 

Fierdan: I guess I would’ve been discovered sooner or later. It’s hard to be perfectly blended with two souls, with the memories and histories of two people, in me. *faces Stella and Dylan* So, who am I? Sure, I’m going by Fierdan in my current state, but we all know I’m not the same as Duke or the version of myself in Cincernum. Which one is influencing me more, the one in control, right now? 

Stella: *says with no hesitation* Duke.

Fierdan: *face goes from looking neutral to smirking* Good job.

Dylan: I’m still lost. What happened to “Duke is gone” that you kept on emphasizing? 

Fierdan: Duke is gone. I’m not Duke just as much as I’m not the version of Fierdan in Cincernum. There are times, however, when either one of their presences is dominant in my head. And the one that is right now and since I came here is Duke. It doesn’t mean I am him. 

Dylan: Huh. *grabs a handful of popcorn* I give up on trying to understand any better. Oh well. *starts eating the popcorn* 

Fierdan: *looks at Stella who is staring at him* How did you figure it out? 

Stella: I noticed a pattern. Sometimes when you talk about the people you killed, it makes you tremble and stare at your hands as if they’re still covered in blood or black flames. And the look on your face is regret and fear. 

Fierdan: Mm. *grabs a can of cola from the table, opens it, and starts drinking it* 

Stella: And during those times, your face and words are saying that you’ll never kill again. Acts of violence almost seem to repulse you. *gulps* But tonight, you weren’t like that. You casually said that you’re willing to kill again. The trembling and regret were not there. This wasn’t the first time either. 

Dylan: So what? He’s indecisive about murder. It only proves how unstable he is. He’s not safe to be around. No matter how you spin it, he’s a killer. 

Fierdan: *rolls his eyes at Dylan* 

Dylan: What? It’s true. 

Stella: *stares down at the can in her hands, face gets a little red* There’s another reason why I think Fierdan here is more like Duke. *takes a deep breath* Before you integrated, Duke was the more talkative and obnoxious one. The tone of Fierdan’s voice tonight is closer to Duke’s than that former version of him. And not just that. Duke was the one who was more vulgar, making raunchy jokes. He sure made sexual innuendo a lot. *sighs, drinks from the soda can*

Dylan: *snickers* Duke sounds so annoying. I can barely stand Fierdan here, but Duke feels so much worse. I can’t even imagine. 

Stella: Yeah, he sure was a character. 

Fierdan: *slams his soda can on the table, stands up and walks to the edge of the table* Duke was a kid. His role was to replace and fill in my teenage years with experiences more fit for a teen instead of the hell I experienced during those years. Without Duke, my memories of those years are dark and blurry. Planning to kill, killing, abuse, abuse, abuse. *sighs* Duke’s existence gives me an actual taste of adolescence that I wouldn’t have otherwise. 

Stella: Is that why you created Duke in the first place? To overwrite your memories of your adolescence? 

Fierdan: *frowns* I’m not getting into that. Duke was a teen, acted like and did teen stuff. That’s why he was like that. 

Stella: But that can’t explain all of it. 

Fierdan: *scratches his head* How old was that kid? I executed him and Soulless when he was.. what, 17 or 18? 

Stella: That’s a kid to you? 

Fierdan: *lowers his hand, shrugs* Ages that end in ‘teen’ all feel like kids to me at this point. It’s so young. *smirks* You two are, by the way. I get that you’re both adults now, but you’re both years younger than me. 

Dylan: *murmurs* As long as you don’t mistake me for a 14 year old again. I’m almost 20. 

Fierdan: How was I to know you’re trans? You looked just like a boy starting puberty when we met. 

Dylan: Gee thanks. At least you saw me as male. 

Fierdan: Well, yeah, you look like a dude. Just one who looks like he’s going through puberty instead of an adult. 

Dylan: *squeezes his can of iced tea tighter* Don’t push it, Fire Dan. *giggles upon realizing that’s what he called Fierdan* 

Stella: I think you pass really well, Dylan. 

Dylan: *nods to acknowledge Stella, then lowers his head, mutters* I pretty much am going through puberty again. Just the right one this time since I’m doing HRT, taking testosterone. *drinks his iced tea* 

Fierdan: *grabs his suede jacket, quickly rummages through the pockets, sighs* Stella’s right about Duke making raunchy jokes. That’s not even the worst of it. *sighs again, runs a hand through his hair* Duke was just embarrassing. The number of times he referred to it with everyone there, not giving a damn, astonishes me. He really gave zero fucks. *pauses* Oh wait. *laughs*

Dylan: Do I want to know? No, I don’t think—

Fierdan: *cuts him off* A number of times in the past, Duke would talk— with the rest of us there, mind you— and make references about how he masturbated. 

Dylan: *face gets red* Eww, what the fuck. You’re horny bastards. 

Stella: *face also gets red* I.. I don’t remember that. 

Fierdan: He referred to it several times. He just tried to not say it explicitly, but it’s obvious that’s what he meant. *arches eyebrow* Remember that working at a coffee shop dream when instead of working he basically just talked about fucking the equipment? 

Dylan: Is this secondhand embarrassment? Is that what I’m feeling? 

Fierdan: *tosses his jacket back to where it was before, laughs* I masturbate too, of course, including back then, but damn.. hearing Duke talk about that dream was fucking hilarious. Only he would consider sticking his dick in those things. 

Stella: You’re not going to let that go, are you? It’s been so long since then. 

Fierdan: No, I’m not. *glances at Dylan* He’s right, you know. I really am a horny bastard. 

Dylan: *mutters sarcastically* Who would’ve guessed. I’m completely surprised. 

Fierdan: It further proves how Duke is influencing me, huh? *stuffs his hands into his pants pockets and quickly takes them out, sighs* Except not really. I’m sexual enough without any Duke interference. Ask Jack. 

Dylan: *nearly chokes on iced tea* 

Stella: *looks at Dylan, concerned* You okay? 

Dylan: *splutters for a few seconds, then mutters* God, I hate that bastard. Fucking hell. 

Stella: Hmm yeah. Please not this again. 

Fierdan: *groans* I should’ve brought a pack with me. I want to smoke. *turns to Dylan* You have any? 

Stella: Hey, don’t smoke at my place. Go outside. 

Dylan: Don’t smoke here. 

Fierdan: Like I said, I don’t have any cigs on me. And obviously, I was gonna smoke outside. Damn. 

Dylan: Why do you want to smoke anyway? 

Fierdan: Why? *laughs* I need to chill, and cigarettes help. Are you sure you don’t have any? I don’t even need a lighter. 

Dylan: Of course you don’t. And no, I don’t have any. I don’t smoke. 

Fierdan: Really? *stretches his arms behind his head* Oh, that’s a shame. 

Dylan: Just smoke on your own. You have pyrokinesis, right? 

Fierdan: It’s not the same. There’s no nicotine. 

Stella: Since when do you smoke? 

Fierdan: What do you mean “since when”? I smoke with Jack sometimes, and besides, Duke used to smoke. That fucking delinquent yet smartass kid. 

Stella: Oh.. I see. That’s right. He told me. Same with the drinking. Stealing and drinking alcohol all the time. *pauses* Is Duke why you rely on alcohol and smoking so much? 

Fierdan: *scoffs* Duke? He can’t be blamed for everything. He’s just a part, not the whole damn thing. He isn’t an explanation for all the shit I do to myself and others. 

Dylan: *swallows a pretzel* I have a comeback. 

Fierdan: What are you talking about? 

Dylan: Well, I’m not sure if that’s what it is, but I’m getting back at you for giving me a jump scare for talking about sex. 

Fierdan: A jump scare? What? Does it frighten you that much? Do I scare you that easily? *laughs* 

Dylan: Shut up, god, you’re such a pain in my ass. 

Fierdan: *unbuttons another button on his shirt* I’m a pain in your ass? Are you sure about that? We didn’t do anything. 

Dylan: Ah, shit. Don’t tell me you’re still caught up about that. 

Fierdan: About what? 

Dylan: *gets flustered* W-What you said before, you dumbass! 

Fierdan: *smirks* Looks like you’re the one who can’t let it go. You have a dirty mind. 

Dylan: *groans, gets up* You bastard. 

Fierdan: Aww, Dylan, I’m sorry I tricked you. I was joking when I asked if you wanted to have sex. I respect your decision not to. 

Dylan: I never said I wanted to! 

Fierdan: Exactly. That’s very good. 

Dylan: *clenches fists* What the hell? 

Fierdan: I never seriously wanted to fuck you. How many times do I have to tell you? Besides, this isn’t a good place or time. 

Stella: Fucking hell! Can’t you stop thinking about having sex with each other when you’re at my goddamn place? 

Dylan: Yeah, stop it, Fierdan. 

Stella: It’s really— 

Fierdan: Anyway, I don’t have any condoms on me. 

Dylan: I swear to fucking god—

Stella: *face reddens, mutters* Sometimes I really wish you acted more like the old you. 

Fierdan: *grabs popcorn* It’s just another reason why I can’t actually have sex with Dylan. I don’t want to at all, believe it or not. You two have to learn to take a joke. 

Stella: I don’t care. It was fucked up. 

Dylan: *to Fierdan* You’re fixated on it. Are you sure that you don’t? 

Stella: *sighs* You continued it in the first place. 

Dylan: Okay, fine. I’ll admit that I’m also at fault. Can I still say what I wanted to before? 

Stella: Uh.. what is it? 

Dylan: *looks at Fierdan eating popcorn* This might be the first time I’ve seen Fierdan put something that’s not alcohol or drugs in his mouth. *walks up to him, smirks* Does it feel weird to you at all to be drinking soda and eating junk food at this hour instead of having your lips around the opening of a bottle or can of alcohol, a cigarette, or.. *grins deviantly* his cock? 

Fierdan: *blushes a little, then grins* You sly, dirty bastard. That was a good one. Well, for you. *sticks out his tongue to clean up a tiny piece of popcorn at the corner of his lip* 

Stella: *chugs her can of soda, it knocks over an empty can when she puts it on the table* Well then! Okay! *looks at them standing in front of each other, says random stuff because she feels so awkward and uncomfortable* Come to think of it, ‘raunchy’ is a funny word to say. It’s fun to say. Raunchy, raunchy, raunchy. *looks at the table, taps her fingers on the table, stares at them again* Was Fierdan always that much taller than Dylan? Sure, it might be the shoes, but still. I even felt a bit intimidated hearing their conversation when he entered. Fierdan definitely gives off an intimidating aura at times. He even bent down to stare at Dylan at eye level. *scratches chin* Wait, is that a Duke or Cincernum Fierdan trait? To have an intimidating aura and scare others? Hmm, let’s see…

Fierdan: *turns to Stella* It’s both. They both were capable of making the person they talked to directly feel like I’m a predator and they’re my prey. *glances back at Dylan* 

Dylan: *face is still red* Sh-Shut up. 

Stella: *to Fierdan* Like I said before, you’ll always be someone who scares me. It’s not far-fetched for Dylan to be as well. 

Dylan: H-Hey! 

Stella: You’re a killer, after all. Think of it as a side effect of that. Even if remembering it makes you feel sick, you can’t take it back. You killed. 

Fierdan: That’s right. *lets out a long breath* My sins tarnish and weigh me down, and they will until I’m in a grave. No, beyond this life. I’m a sinner through and through. I need to pray and pray to a higher being that I don’t believe in and never will. *flexes his fingers, stares at his hands* The blood will never wash away. I’ll never be clean again. Especially for how I killed those three inhuman pieces of shit. I murdered Z. and then Risak and Taurel as Duke so violently. Oh god, especially Taurel. Yeah, Duke was no longer human himself and was corrupted by Soulless and Taurel’s torture, but still.. fuck. *gulps* When I attacked him as Duke.. god, that was so brutal. I was more demon than human at that point. No ordinary human could’ve inflicted that much damage to another human body. *pauses* You say my former Fierdan self was more intimidating than Duke, but you didn’t see Duke in that state. It even scared me myself. I still have no idea how Jack was able to do what he did. Fuck, that guy saved me.. Duke.. from being a cannibal. From someone who wasn’t even dead yet. *stares at his fingernails* 

Dylan: Damn, remind me to not get on his bad side. 

Stella: I know, right? 

Fierdan: *sighs* Soulless corrupted my humanity and gave me an extraordinary amount of power. It’s not possible for me to do any of that again. And, well, I don’t have anyone on a blacklist that I want to have killed. I’m trying to live an ordinary life as much as possible now, but.. that’s impossible, I know. Who am I without violence in a kill-or-be-killed world? 

[A few minutes later. It’s after midnight at this point.]

Fierdan: *still staring at his fingernails* Hmm. I’m thinking of painting my nails again. It’s been a while. My hair’s getting long too. I haven’t done anything gender non-conforming in a while. Maybe I should just cross-dress one of these days for the hell of it. 

Dylan: Uh, what? 

Fierdan: *stops staring at his hands or fingers or whatever* What is it, water boy? 

Dylan: Don’t call me that. Anyway, since when were you— 

Fierdan: I’m a man, but I reject the rigid box of traditional male gender roles. We’re both mlm, so it can’t be that hard for you to understand. 

Dylan: *frowns* I’m aro and a trans man. You’re bisexual and a cis man. We’re not the same. 

Fierdan: Ah, of course. *pauses* You think men and masculine-identifying are hot and you want to be with them, even if it’s not romantically. That’s right, Dylan? 

Dylan: *sighs then nods* Yeah, you got that right. I’m surprised. 

Fierdan: Of course. Otherwise, my sex offer wouldn’t make sense. If I said that and you’re straight.. oh god, that would’ve been embarrassing. 

Stella: *blushes* Ah, right. 

Dylan: Huh?

Stella: Nothing. It’s nothing. 

Dylan: Okay then. *quickly drinks from his can of iced tea* Anyway, wearing makeup and nail polish and heck, even wearing a cute top or a skirt sounds nice and fun in theory, but I just.. I can’t. I’m not like you, Fierdan. I don’t have the privilege to ignore male gender roles. 

Fierdan: What do you mean you can’t? Of course you can! 

Dylan: No, I can’t! I want to pass as a man.. no, I want to be one. And with the state that I’m in, it’s still up to debate for some people. Hell, there are lots of people out there still who think I can’t be one until I get a sex change. *sighs* That’s a whole other box full of bullshit. I wish I could present myself however I wanted, but I know that if I do, there will be people who see me as a woman. 

Fierdan: If anyone does, I’ll burn their asses. The fact that homophobic and transphobic people are still out there in this day and age pisses me off. 

Dylan: Wow, uh.. thanks. 

Stella: I’d be willing to do that too. 

Dylan: Thanks for the support. 

Stella: We gotta be there for each other, you know. 

Dylan: I agree, but damn, this is starting to sound corny coming from you guys. 

Stella: Corny, huh? *grabs popcorn* 

Dylan: Pfft. *laughs* 

Fierdan: And considering all the fucked up shit that Jack dealt with as a kid and teen. Of course it pisses me off. 

Dylan: Oh, so he told you? 

Fierdan: Of course he did. We’re the closest person to each other.. and not just because we’re boyfriends. We can just be vulnerable with each other and not feel like absolute shit afterwards. 

Stella: That sounds nice. 

Dylan: Ah.. I see. 

[Another few minutes later since I don’t know how to transition conversation topics.] 

Fierdan: By the way, Stella, why do you miss the old Fierdan anyway? He wasn’t exactly a good person. I mean… *rubs the back of his neck* 

Stella: I.. I miss his voice. Uh, your voice. When you.. uh.. talk like that. Then again, it was probably only because you had zero confidence and were only just recently traumatized. So.. uh…

Fierdan: My voice, huh? 

Stella: Without Duke’s involvement at all, without you talking about sexual stuff or anything vulgar in general.. I don’t know why, I just miss your old voice. Your tone. You were going through trauma back then, so I feel like a bitch, but.. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. 

Dylan: Different voice? What do you mean? 

Stella: Fierdan.. uh.. well, he used to have a different tone of voice. I know he was never gentle and soft— at least past puberty— but his voice.. fuck.. it sounded so soft and gentle, and it was a little higher pitched. Uh, it sounded androgynous to me. 

Dylan: Damn, Fire Dan. Duke was the key to make you a man. That’s crazy. 

Fierdan: Shut up, but yeah, I guess. I didn’t know I put so much of my masculinity and ego into Duke. And what was left for myself in Cincernum.. well, I lacked those things. *sighs, faces Dylan* I know it’s not the same, but I know what it feels like to not feel ‘man enough’ or like a ‘real’ male at all. 

Dylan: You’re right. It’s not the same, but I’ll keep what you said in mind. 

Stella: Sorry, did I trigger your dysphoria by saying I miss your old voice? 

Dylan: You never saw me pre-transition. 

Stella: Oh, I mean Fierdan. Sorry. 

Dylan: He has dysphoria? But he’s—

Fierdan: No, no. It’s fine. Sometimes it throws me off, but I don’t care at this point. My old voice just makes me think of how not confident and weak I was. *taps a fingernail against one of his shirt’s buttons* Besides, who I was in Cincernum.. that version of Fierdan.. *grins* he was a wuss. Back then, I only thought of regret, guilt, blood, and how much I let Soulless take advantage of me. I haven’t even considered fighting back for years in that hell. That version of me was a weak, pathetic, pussy ass bitch. Well, until the end. But it took me way too long to get to that point. At least I managed to execute the separate Duke body and Soulless. Uh.. Duke as another person was a combination of parts of myself and Soulless.. so, well, yeah. I say ‘execute’ because I didn’t kill them like I killed humans; they were something else. Sure, stabbing anyone like how I stabbed Duke would end in death, but I like saying that I was their executioner.

Stella: Hmm, so Duke is still the one influencing. Right? 

Fierdan: *shrugs* Who am I to say? 

Stella: I never heard you talk about it without breaking down. So.. I’m not sure. 

Fierdan: *speaks lightheartedly* Who knows? Maybe I’ll have a good old mental breakdown after this. The night is still young. 

Stella: Oh no, I’m sorry. 

Fierdan: For what? You’re fine, Stella. There’s nothing wrong with you. And that includes everything you talked about. You’re not fucked up like me. That’s a beautiful thing. 

Dylan: How about this. The Fierdan here today isn’t Duke or the version of himself in Cincernum or earlier; he is a whole different person. He exists based on the two of them, but he’s more than just a simple combination of the two. If he was, I don’t think he would criticize and insult them so much. 

Fierdan: How thoughtful. But I don’t think you understand how much I hate my past selves, how much I engage in self-sabotage, and just how chronically empty I feel emotionally. Oh oops, I wasn’t supposed to say the last thing. 

Dylan: Umm.. insert me saying something in response. I have nothing. *finishes his can of iced tea* 

Fierdan: Wow, I see. I thought we were becoming friends. 

Dylan: Nah. I still hate you. You’re just a bit more tolerable at this hour.. for once. 

Stella: *sighs* Guys, come on. Seriously? 

[Around an hour later. Dylan and Fierdan left Stella’s place and went their separate ways. Jack is in an elevator on the way to the floor where their apartments are. Fierdan slipped his note under Jack’s apartment door and is in his own apartment now. He’s wearing different clothes— pajama pants and a loose-fitting tank top. He runs a hand through his black hair as he stares at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Then he sees the mirror turn into a screen and reveal the backs of three people, all with different shades of blonde hair. But then they turn around, facing Fierdan.]

Fierdan: Damn, my hair really is getting long. *twists a lock of hair around his finger*

The three people in the mirror: *stare intensely at Fierdan* You killed me. You killed me. You killed me. 

Fierdan: *lowers his hand, presses his hands to the mirror* No, I didn’t. 

Them: You killed me. *on repeat* 

Fierdan: N-No, I didn’t mean to. Not you guys. 

Them: *their eyes flash; a pair of dark golden eyes, a pair of pale blue eyes, a pair of dark blue eyes* You killed us!

Fierdan: I.. I didn’t—

Them: Fucking bullshit! You caused all of our deaths. Without you, we wouldn’t have died. 

Fierdan: *hands start trembling, voice cracks* I.. I’m so sorry. I miss you all so much. F-Forgive me. 

Them: Forgive you? Why would we do that? You fucking killed us! 

Fierdan: I’m not the one! 

Them: Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. 

Fierdan: *covers their faces with his hands* No, no, no. 

Them: Confess your sins and beg for your salvation until your tongue is torn out of your mouth. You are a filthy, fucking sinner. 

Fierdan: *face changes from fear and sadness to anger, starts getting covered in fire in all areas of his exposed skin* Shut the fuck up. You’re all just projections of my subconscious or some shit. 

Them: Oh no, that’s the wrong answer. So sorry. 

[The mirror returns to normal. But then the sentence “Do not trust the master manipulator.” appears on the mirror, written in red ink that looks eerily close to blood.] 

Fierdan: *gulps after reading the sentence* What the hell? 

[Jack steps out of the elevator.]

Jack: *sighs* Today left me exhausted. Not to mention how quiet Elias and the twins are. Made me feel so understimulated. *yawns, stretches arms* I’ll just talk to him in the morning. But I can’t wait to tell him. *recalls what Dylan told him* Shit, I meant to confess that to him too. Damn it. 

[The red letters on the mirror start to glow. Fierdan is still covered in flames.]

Fierdan: *frowns, traces the letters with his fingers, which sets them on fire* ‘Master manipulator’ means who exactly? Soulless? Taurel? No, it’s… *presses his palm to the mirror and immediately flames flicker all over the mirror*

Jack: *smiles as he approaches his apartment* He’s going to be so happy when he finds out. Don’t you think so? *turns to the side, nods* 

Fierdan: *suddenly remembers when Jack told him about his Elemental Power, how he has the power of illusion and related stuff* No way. Jack is the ‘master manipulator’? What does that even mean? 

 [Flashes of Jack’s face blur past very quickly in his head. It results in a headache and the ringing in his ears to return.] 

Fierdan: *feels dizzy and weak, the flames fade away* Not again. Fuck. *stumbles out of the bathroom, collapses on his bed, sighs in relief* 

Jack: *notices the paper under his door* Oh, what’s this? *picks it up and reads it* Oh, my sweet Danny boy, it’s not your fault. It’s not your wrongdoing. *takes a deep breath* It’s mine. 

[The sentence “Do not trust the master manipulator.” repeats in Fierdan’s head over and over in the voices of the three in the mirror. Then he has a vision of Jack talking and interacting with them, not in the mirror but in the hallways, in Jack’s apartment. After that, the ringing intensifies.] 

Fierdan: *covers his ears with a pillow* No way. No, no.. it’s not real. 

Them: Of course it isn’t. It’s an illusion. He’s the master of illusion, messing with people’s perceptions. He is the master manipulator, after all. Don’t trust him, but more importantly, don’t trust us out there. It’s all a lie. We are dead. Remember that.

Fierdan: Th-That’s right. You’re all dead. And you all are because of me. 

[And that is when the mental breakdown that Fierdan said he would have officially begins. It starts with two simple things: tears and flames.] 

————————————

That is Confessions 4. 

The end. 

~ Shan/Shyrah

Confessions 3 (skit)

Hi, I’m finally back with part 3 of the Confessions in the current skit story arc. 

I haven’t been feeling that great physically these last two weeks. (Darn it, seasonal allergies.) I still don’t feel the best. 

It’s been long enough, and I had this skit idea for a while now. So I’ll just post it.

What the heck; why not? It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything is fine. 

I’m not sure why I put so much pressure on myself about writing this part. Does anyone beside me even care? I doubt it. But what do I know? 

It’s May now. I can’t believe it. The time these recent skits take place in is winter; I’m thinking any point in February or early March. When it’s still cold out (to those in the northern hemisphere like me, anyway). But now it’s May here in the real world. That’s crazy. It’s been spring for a while. 

Time… Man, that’s crazy. 

Anyway, I should start this thing already. Of course, before that, the list of content warnings for this post’s skit. I like including them just in case. Lots of stuff happens in this one. Content in general, I mean. But also stuff that I typically indícate warnings for. 

Uh, well, okay then. Time to start the skit. I still have lots of character and plot-related thoughts to dump out. 

I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. :’) <3

Alright, alright. I’ll start for real this time. 

**WARNINGS: strong/explicit language; mentions of acts of violence (including murder and attempted murder), romantic and sexual content (including assault, no graphic details, but it’s talked about), possible ableism, and drug use. 

—————————

[A few hours after the end of the last skit. The time is between 8 and 10 pm. In the hours between the end of the previous skit and when this one takes place, Fierdan and Stella did their own things. Fierdan went to his apartment to shower, brush teeth, change clothes, take medication, and possibly other mundane activities. Fierdan also spent time writing and rewriting a note to Jack on a small notepad— things he wants to confess to Jack. When he finished writing the note, he ripped the paper off the notepad and stuffed it into one of his pockets. He then got ready to meet Stella at her apartment, like he planned.]

[Meanwhile, Stella also changed her clothes and went out to have dinner with Dawn and Dylan. It’s been at least an hour since then, and now Dylan is hanging out with Stella in her apartment. They’ve just been talking. They have a lot to talk about. This skit is starting after they have talked for a while.] 

Dylan: Let me get this straight. Fierdan acted pissed out of nowhere, called Dawn a bitch, and you acted on impulse and slapped him across the face because he insulted her. Right? 

Stella: *hides her face in her hands* For the last time, yes. How many times do we have to repeat this? 

Dylan: You’re all so.. *hesitates to think of a word* interesting. 

Stella: *groans* 

Dylan: And you didn’t feel as angry when he insulted you by calling you the b-word and other things yourself? 

Stella: Ugh, I don’t know. I guess? Drop it already. 

Dylan: *lowers his arms, his fingers brushing the couch he is sitting on* I find it amusing how you said you wouldn’t fight him after you got upset and hit him in response to his words. *faces Stella* You’re a funny one, Stella. 

Stella: I shouldn’t have hit him. I know what he— Duke and him— went through in his.. no, their.. past. And yet.. yet I did it anyway. 

Dylan: Don’t ruminate on it. What’s done is done. 

Stella: *raises her head, faces Dylan* You’re really starting to get on my nerves. First, all that shit, and now this? 

Dylan: Look. His past and his mental illnesses do not excuse his actions. It’s never okay for him, or anyone for that matter, to treat you or anyone else like he did. He’s an asshole who needs to be called out for his shit. If I’m the only one who is willing to get the job done, then so be it. *sighs* It’s not normal. I swear, none of you are. 

Stella: *frowns* Stop antagonizing him.

Dylan: Well, maybe he deserves to be. He’s such an entitled, egoistic brat that has “main character syndrome” and god, he’s so obnoxious. 

Stella: No, he isn’t. *sighs* He apologized to me. And I haven’t been the kindest towards him either. I’ve been a jerk too. Why do you hate him so much? 

Dylan: *glares at Stella, frowns* Because he stole him from me. 

Stella: *raises eyebrow* Oh?

Dylan: *face gets slightly red* I mean, he just gets on my nerves. His personality is annoying. He’s just… *groans, looks down at his hands and taps his fingers on the couch* 

Stella: For someone who hates Fierdan, you sure enjoy talking about him. What is it? Are you into him? 

Dylan: Has everything I told you flown over your head? Romance and I don’t mix. I’m not interested in getting into a romantic relationship. I don’t get crushes; I don’t get the whole “falling in love” shit. 

Stella: So you’re not like that. Okay… 

Dylan: I told you I’m aromantic. I don’t do romance. 

Stella: What about.. *blushes* the other way? You know… 

Dylan: What the fuck is that supposed to mean? *pauses then shakes his head vigorously* No! What the fuck? That’s not how this shit works. It makes no sense. I’m not like you people; I actually make sense. *sighs, hands forming fists* Why would I… *shakes head again* Why have you been acting weird ever since I told you that we’re not alike, that we’re not the same? 

Stella: I’m just wondering… 

Dylan: *looks frustrated, clenches his fists* I don’t do between-the-lines shit either. I don’t like him, and there’s no secret hidden meaning to it. 

Stella: Okay, sure, whatever you say. 

Dylan: And to think I was helping you figure out your feelings regarding your sexuality. I’m respectful and listen to you when you talk about how you’re questioning things, and you act ignorant and refuse to listen when I talk about mine? 

Stella: *frowns, hands turning into fists* I thought you understood. I thought you were like me. 

Dylan: And I kept telling you that we’re not the same! Get that into your head. For fuck’s sake. *lets out a long breath* Just because I ruined your false perception of me by revealing to you that I’m romance-repulsed but not touch-repulsed and sex-repulsed doesn’t mean everything I talked to you about romantic attraction— or the lack thereof— a lie. 

Stella: How was I to know? I thought I could talk to you about how I think I don’t understand and experience sexual attraction. I thought you would get it. 

Dylan: Ugh, I don’t know what to tell you. Romance and sex aren’t the same thing. 

Stella: I know that! 

Dylan: Then why are you being so weird and intrusive about how I live my life just because I don’t live up to your expectations? If you want to talk to someone who gets it, someone who can understand what it’s like to be questioning being on the aromantic and asexual spectrums, then consult Ryen. He’s aroace. I’m not. 

Stella: Sorry, my mistake. I should’ve done that instead. 

Dylan: Alright. Do that then. *pauses* But just so you know, I’m still the same person. I just happen to be someone who’s had sex. 

Stella: I really don’t care about that. I just.. assumed you were also ace and sex-repulsed. 

Dylan: Well, I’m not. Besides, being ace isn’t synonymous with being sex-repulsed. 

Stella: Hmm, I see. Thanks for letting me talk about everything and just.. for all you did. I really do appreciate it. And look, I also just like hanging out with you. It’s not just because of all that stuff. We’re friends, Dyl. 

Dylan: Friends, huh? 

Stella: I’m sorry if I used you as a mentor. I see you as a friend. You’re my friend. 

Dylan: *looks across the room at nothing in particular* I guess that’s how it works. I suppose that’s what friendship is. I see…

[A little later. Any time between 5 and 15 minutes later. There is someone knocking on the door to Stella’s apartment.] 

Dylan: What the hell? Who’s at your door at this hour? 

Stella: Oh shit, he was serious? I nearly forgot he said all that. *groans* Why couldn’t he have just gone to sleep? Insomnia? But it feels like he planned this from the start. 

Dylan: Sorry to get you out of your head, but what happened? *shakes head* Never mind that, just answer the door already! 

Stella: *in a panicked voice* I am, I am! *gets up from her chair, quickly puts on a pair of slippers, and hurries to the front door* 

Fierdan: *taps his foot as he waits outside the door* Uh.. maybe she’s not home. *starts turning around*

Dylan: *mutters to himself* How can someone be that fucking dense? 

Stella: *looks flustered as she unlocks the door, smiles awkwardly at Fierdan* Uh.. hi. Well, you.. you look better now compared to before. Are you feeling better? I hope.. I hope you are. 

Fierdan: Hey, I told you that I’d meet you here. 

Stella: Yeah, mhmm, you sure did. 

Fierdan: Alright so, what’s on your mind? Spill it. 

Stella: Uh.. want to come in first? 

Fierdan: Oh, that’s right. May I? 

Stella: Of course. Right this way. 

Fierdan: *enters the room, notices Dylan, looks back at Stella* Oh, is this a bad time? 

Stella: *face reddens* No, no, not at all! It’s fine. Everything’s fine. 

Dylan: *frowns* What is he doing here? Get out. 

Stella: No, no. I said he could come. It’s alright. 

Dylan: *ignores Stella again* What the fuck is he planning on doing? *rubs his eyes* And why is he dressed like that? Did he really get all dressed up to talk to Stella? *shakes head* No, he’s got some ulterior motive. I can’t leave her alone with him. 

Fierdan: *steps towards Dylan, stops possibly a little too close in front of him* I’m right here. 

Dylan: *swallows* Get out, you’re never good news. *sniffs* And what is that smell? 

Fierdan: Cologne. It’s cologne. It smells better than smoke and bodily fluids. *grins* Don’t worry, I showered. I just put this on for extra measure. 

Dylan: *coughs* Sure, okay. How about you just continue on your way to the club? Leave Stella and me out of it. 

Fierdan: I didn’t intend to go there. I only wanted to talk to her. *looks at Stella* 

Dylan: Then why are you dressed like that? 

Fierdan: *faces Dylan* What? I can’t look nice? 

Dylan: You’re suspicious. You have an ulterior motive. I won’t let you do anything to her. 

Fierdan: *glares, steps closer to Dylan* What are you getting at? Tell it to my fucking face. 

Dylan: I know there’s still a part of you, in what you all call Duke, that hasn’t let go of Stella. You still have feelings. She told me what you said. 

Fierdan. Let me repeat myself. What the flying fuck are you getting at? *makes intense eye contact with Dylan*

Dylan: *quickly looks away* I won’t let you hurt her. I know you did questionable stuff to her when you were Duke. 

Fierdan: Why are you thinking these thoughts? It’s disturbing. 

Dylan: I’d do anything to prevent her getting assaulted by you again. That’s why. 

Fierdan: *stares intensely at Dylan, has a look on his face that just screams vicious* You dare to say such a thing, to make a wildly harmful assumption, and yet you can’t even fucking look me in the eye. You have some fucking nerve. *leans forward so Dylan is forced to look in his eyes* There. Now say that shit one more time. 

Dylan: *speaks softly* It burns. It hurts, it hurts. I can’t do direct eye contact. I can’t, I can’t… *his eyes start getting red and watery* 

Fierdan: There you go showing your true colors. *takes a step back and laughs coldly* Everyone acts so tough, but it’s just an exterior. Everyone’s weak and pathetic pieces of shit.. like me! 

Dylan: *quickly rubs his eyes* You really are an asshole. 

Fierdan: *stops laughing, stares at Dylan again* I’m the villain in everyone’s story. I killed people again and again. I’m a murderer. You have every right to be wary of me. *steps forward again* But don’t go around saying I sexually assault people. You don’t get to fucking say that. 

Dylan: *takes a few steps back, doesn’t face Fierdan* What the fuck is your problem? God, my eyes hurt. 

Fierdan: My eyes aren’t actually made of fire, you know. I know what eye pain and trauma is. You don’t. In fact, you don’t know shit—

Dylan: Ah great, the “woe is me” all over again. No one has it as bad as Fierdan. 

Fierdan: Have you been poked in the eye with syringes? How about with scalpels? *pauses* No? I thought so. 

Dylan: It’s not a fucking competition, asshole! Eye contact can get painful for me. Of course it’s not as bad as whatever the hell you went through. 

Fierdan: *sighs, reaches into his pocket intending to take out a box of cigarettes only to remember he didn’t bring it with him, lets out a long breath, speaks in a lower voice compared to before* Fuck. I didn’t come here for this. I have such a short fuse with my emotions switching from.. something pleasant, I guess, to just wanting to burn the world. I get so fucking angry and pissed, and god.. what the fuck is wrong with me? I’m sorry. Fuck. 

Dylan: *turns around, stares blankly at Fierdan* That.. That isn’t normal. It can’t work like that. Stop being so unrealistic. None of it makes any sense! 

Fierdan: You don’t have to understand it. I don’t either, to be honest. I really don’t intend to be cruel and such a dick, and yet… 

Dylan: Get your shit together. 

Fierdan: I.. I know. I’m trying. 

Dylan: Trying isn’t good enough. You actually have to. 

Fierdan: You’re right. 

Dylan: *has a small smile* Wait, we’re on the same page? Great! 

Stella: *finally intervening* Oh, uh.. maybe I should’ve intervened sooner. Are we all good now? *twirls a few strands of her hair around her finger* 

Dylan: I.. I think? I don’t really know. 

Fierdan: Just one more thing. I am genuinely upset that you see me like a sexual abuser. When I was Duke, I never forced Stella to do anything. In fact, there were lots of things I wanted to do, but I didn’t because she wasn’t comfortable with that, and I respect people’s boundaries, damn it. 

Dylan: What? Boundaries only matter when it’s about sex? 

Stella: *blushes* Huh? What? What are you talking about? I didn’t—

Fierdan: I’m big on consent. Of course not only when it comes to doing anything sexually, but that’s what I’m talking about right now. 

Stella: Actually, I.. uh.. have some thoughts. *swallows* Never mind. 

Fierdan: *still not acknowledging Stella* Also like.. I hate people who touch others sexually without their consent. I hate sexual abusers to the core. They’re fucking scum that deserves to rot. I’d be willing to kill another. 

Dylan: I like the passion, but kill? Is that a bit… 

Fierdan: Too much? Not really. I did do that in fact. I also, not actually on purpose, nearly caused an older kid to drown after he attempted to strip me of my shirt and swimming trunks. Wait, maybe more than one kid. There were accomplices. They wanted to see me naked. Damn, people really were obsessed with Duke’s body since forever. I was so young back then too. I knew at least one kid wanted and tried to touch my body— Duke’s body— under my clothes. Well, Duke’s. *shakes head* I’m Fierdan. I’m also Duke. This shit gets confusing. I, as little kid Duke, really attempted to drown someone. *laughs* What the fuck! 

Dylan: That’s disturbing. All of it. Everyone involved. What the actual fuck. 

Stella: Yeah, I’m never gonna get used to hearing about that. Like, holy shit. 

Fierdan: That just counts the times when it ended in me engaging in killing or at least what seemed like attempted murder. I’ve always been insane. *laughs* 

Stella: Uh… *shakes head* No, never mind. I’ll just let this play out. 

Fierdan: I have so many more examples of people using either my or Duke’s body as fucking play-things. I lost count of how many times we were violated in total. I know what it’s like to be sexually violated, so it adds fuel to my fire of how much I hate those fuckers who do that. Look, I know it doesn’t mean I can’t ever do that stuff, especially less severe stuff, but just.. *pauses for a few seconds* know that’s how I feel about people like that who do that shit. It’s very, very negative. I don’t want anyone to go through what we went through. Never again. 

Dylan: *staring at Fierdan’s body, focusing on his outfit* Okay, I see. I get it. 

Fierdan: *notices Dylan staring at him, his facial expression changes, he smirks* What are you looking at? Ways you can use me? 

Dylan: *is a little distracted* What? No. No! 

Fierdan: Good. 

Stella: What’s happening? *rubs the back of her neck* I’m lost. 

Fierdan: *talking to Dylan* Does my appearance mesmerize you that much? Damn. *brushes a few hairs from covering his forehead to the side* Except if you’re into that sort of thing. I know that look. 

Dylan: *blushes* What are you doing? The hell? 

Fierdan: Aww, you’re blushing. That’s cute. 

Dylan: Because you’re looking and acting and speaking seductively. 

Fierdan: *grins* Good, we’re on the same wavelength. 

Stella: Why do I feel so awkward in my own home? Like, this is my place. You guys know that, right? I live here. And of course I’m being ignored again. This is fine. *goes to the couch and sits down* 

Fierdan: *basically acting like Stella isn’t also there* Okay, Dylan, want to hate-fuck? Have some hateful, angry, passionate sex? Just to fuck? Let’s see how incompatible we really are. 

Dylan: *face is red* Oh my fucking god. What the fuck? Dude! 

Fierdan: Good? Okay, when do you want to do it? Now? 

Stella: *face is also red* G-Get out. Both of you. Now. I’ll kick you out. *says that but doesn’t move from her seat on the couch, is too confused and is frozen in place* 

Dylan: *stammers* N-No. Never. I.. I have standards. 

Fierdan: *laughs so much that tears form* Standards? It’s only because you have standards? I can’t. Holy fuck. 

Dylan: What the fuck is wrong with you? Do your emotions and moods change that fast? For real? 

Fierdan: I always wanted to mess with you like that. Oh god, that shit was so worth it. Your face is making me crack up. 

Dylan: *grimaces* A joke? That’s your idea of a joke? 

Fierdan: Just towards you? Yeah. *turns face into a neutral facial expression* Don’t tell me you seriously want to try that? 

Dylan: No, no. Definitely not. 

Fierdan: Thank fuck. Because I was just kidding. For one, I’m in a committed relationship now, and cheating by fucking you… That sounds like a nightmare. No offense. 

Dylan: None taken. 

Fierdan: Good, water man, good. 

Dylan: *frowns* Water man?

Fierdan: People jokingly call me “fire man” or “Fire Dan” and it fits. So… 

Dylan: You’re so weird. And that’s coming from me, so it must mean something. 

Fierdan: *frowns* I have no idea what you mean, but okay. *moves the parts of his hair he moved earlier back to their usual place* Besides, you’re not my type. And I do have standards, by the way. 

Dylan: I.. I see. 

Stella: *finally gets up* Okay, okay. Is any of this necessary? Did you have to do it here? At my place? I’m right here, you know? I’ve been here the whole time. 

Fierdan: *brushes his hands on his pants then rubs them through his hair* Actually, yes. This was all part of my plan. 

Dylan: You’re joking, right? 

Fierdan: Nope. Not at all. 

Dylan: *looks confused* Huh? 

Fierdan: I’m being serious. Completely serious. 

Dylan: Look, dude, I’m not the best when it comes to sarcasm. 

Fierdan: Oh, I’m not being sarcastic. 

Stella: Then what was the point of all that? That was extreme, even for you. 

Fierdan: No, look, let me get to the chase. Earlier, you were talking about how you fear you didn’t love properly and that you can’t. I know you also mean it in a romantic context; I’ll get to that soon. Look, how do I put this. When I was Duke, I really did love you. The feelings were there. At least in the beginning before I became corrupt, I did my very best to prioritize your safety and comfort before any of my wants. There were so many things I fantasized of doing to a partner, but I knew.. I knew we couldn't do some of those things. And I’ve been fine with that. I still am. It’s okay. 

Stella: Sorry, I’m dumb. What are you saying? 

[Several minutes later. Fierdan explains it properly to Stella (and Dylan who is still there). I’m struggling too much to include the whole conversation. Writing is hard. Lots of dots are connected with lines. A lot is explained.] 

Dylan: Wow, he actually did it. He somehow made most of the shit he said and did make sense. He kind of, sort of succeeded. 

Fierdan: I know, I know. *grins* I’m what they would call a genius. 

Dylan: *having a deadpan expression* No. 

Fierdan: Blunt as ever, I see. 

Dylan: I swear, just being around you is making me feel less sane. You make me look normal in comparison. Me! Normal! The one they all called a weird and abnormal freak because of how my brain works and how I’m queer. 

Fierdan: *arches eyebrow* Oh, is that so? I’m interested. Do tell me more. 

Dylan: And you just.. you just communicate weird. The way you talk, the way you act.. all of it. It isn’t normal. Nothing you do makes any sense. It’s getting to my head. 

Fierdan: Well, of course. Even I know I do.

Dylan: I didn’t expect you to say that. 

Fierdan: Why? It’s true. Not being raised properly by my.. *clears throat* parents and then spending years in complete isolation from the rest of the world… Well, yeah, it probably screwed over my communication skills. And other things. 

Dylan: Hmm, I guess. 

Fierdan: Try having only a sadistic demon for company that made every moment of your life a living hell. Sure, I wasn't technically all alone; I lived at the mercy of a merciless entity who only used me for its own sadistic pleasure. Let’s see how you’ll make it out. It’ll inevitably fuck with your head. *sighs* I think I’d much rather spend all those years totally alone than having been a puppet of melancholy. 

Dylan: *sighs* Of course you’d bring that up. 

Fierdan: Yeah, well, what do you expect? 

Stella: *has been struggling with words for the last few minutes* Uh, is your bickering necessary? And who are you guys referring to by “they”.. who are they? 

Dylan: It’s nothing important. 

Fierdan: Yeah, we should stop. *turns to face Stella* So, what do you think? 

Stella: What do I think? 

Fierdan: Yeah. 

Stella: Well, it’s not a surprise to any of us that I avoided certain touches. I mean, like, you know I avoided anything clearly sexual. You know how I feel about sex.. for myself, I mean. *scratches the back of her neck* But I didn’t expect you to be doing all that just for me. I thought you would’ve been averse to sex yourself just because.. you know.. what you’ve been through. I’m just referring to your Duke self, of course. Obviously. 

Fierdan: Yeah, I never related to being sex-repulsed or ace. I’m too much of a perverted, dirty-minded bastard. Did I really surprise you by clarifying that? 

Stella: *lets out a long breath* No. Not at all, really. I’m more shocked to learn you really did have romantic feelings toward me. 

Fierdan: What? You thought I— at least as Duke— was aromantic? 

Stella: *blushes* No.. No, that was stupid. It’s just how things developed with us were.. unusual. I thought you were also using me as an experiment to feeling romantic love and being in a relationship. But apparently you never kept thinking “what is love?” or “is this love?” during it. I.. I still don’t know what love is or if I really do feel it. I felt like I was playing a character. *her fingers tremble* I just want to know what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I know for sure? 

Dylan: Hey, I’m aro. It’s not a death sentence. 

Stella: That’s not the point! 

Dylan: Sorry? 

Stella: *faces Dylan* No.. shit.. I’m sorry. I don’t know if I want to label my romantic attraction— or lack thereof— just yet. It’s all so confusing. Like, at least with sexual attraction, it’s to the point. I think I’m fine with calling myself ace, but aro-spec? I.. I don’t know. 

Dylan: I never told you that you need to fit yourself into a label. Not labeling is entirely fine. You don’t need to confine yourself into a box. *scratches chin* And besides, I’m not interested in labeling my sexual attraction. Sure, I’m into guys, but.. in the end, labels are just words. It doesn’t matter that much to me. 

Stella: Interesting. That means a lot, actually. 

Dylan: No problem? 

Stella: *nods* I bet I’m going to regret asking this, but *turns to Fierdan* did you ever, as Duke, look down on me as someone who couldn’t *blushes, avoids his eyes* who couldn’t satisfy you properly? God, I’m sorry. I just felt like such a hypocrite. Me, not wanting sex but enjoying those other things. Me, not knowing if I understand romance and feel love.. but that.. it really did make me feel good. 

Dylan: Sorry, what? 

Stella: *hides her red face in her hands* I know, I know. It doesn’t make sense. If I was normal, I would’ve hated it, no questions asked. I did feel something, but I still don’t know if it was genuine love. Maybe it was just a natural body reaction. Fuck, this is so embarrassing to talk to others about. 

Fierdan: *sighs* I had to collect my thoughts. Look, Stella, we both know the initial purpose of my character was to be a lustful creature only interested in violence and sex. Bloodlust— craving blood, being defined by my lust— defined me, and it still does to some degree. I’m kinda like an incubus—

Dylan: What the hell are you talking about? 

Stella: *lowers her hands, faces Fierdan* Yeah, uh.. sorry, Fierdan, but I’m also lost. 

Fierdan: Well, not really an incubus. A gay one, perhaps. No, one who doesn’t care about gender. And consent is definitely a priority. Incubi are shady—

Stella: What the fuck are you blabbering on about? 

Dylan: Yeah, seriously? Be normal for once. 

Fierdan: Alright, alright. Damn. *faces Stella* Despite all of that, I don’t crave sex nor need it to live. I’m talking about me now but also as Duke. It’s not a need. I was fine not doing any of that stuff with you. Really. It’s fine. 

Stella: I know I was willing to kiss, and I was really into it too. 

Dylan: Oh, kissing. That’s what you meant before. 

Stella: *to Fierdan* And I know you did your best to respect my boundaries, but… *shakes head* I wouldn’t call it assault, but… *sighs* Sometimes, when Duke really got into the moment and things got all hot— pun may or may not be intended— the lines between things I felt comfortable with and what I wasn't became blurry. 

Fierdan: *sighs* You’re right. I admit that I got carried away at times. You told me— well, Duke— that you were fine and enjoyed kissing, but you didn’t know how you felt about kissing with tongue. We did, you said you didn’t like it, but I did it again and again at later times. You didn’t say anything about it during the later times, so I thought it was fine. But it wasn't, and I shouldn’t have assumed. I fucked up; I’m sorry.

Stella: Oh, so you did get it. I mean.. I get it was hard to control your urges in the heat in the moment, but— 

Dylan: Ugh, don’t make excuses. He still violated your boundaries. Sure, don’t call it assault, but he wasn't the king of doing everything consensually. And that’s not okay. Even for little things. 

Stella: You’re right. Sorry. It’s just.. I don’t know.. it’s so stupid how I feel so different about kisses, including on the lips, but feel so weird and uncomfortable when it involves tongue. It’s like it crosses the barrier into being sexual contact, and I.. I can’t do that. It repulses me too much. It isn’t.. me. And I’m sorry that it can’t. 

Fierdan: He’s right. I’m the one to blame. Don’t blame yourself for how you felt. 

Stella: I just.. I just feel like shit that I couldn’t do that stuff with Duke. If I were someone else, I would be very willing to have sex. You.. him.. whatever wanting sexual contact isn’t a surprise at all. Like, I knew Duke wanted sex. And yet.. I just couldn't. 

Fierdan: Again, it’s fine. 

Stella: But it wasn’t! It isn’t! 

Dylan: Stella— 

Stella: What the fuck is wrong with me? I didn’t even really mind feeling his.. *looks at the floor* hardness.. his you-know-what.. against my body when we were making out, yet.. yet the thought of actually having sex. Hell no, I could never. I guess there really is a difference between having clothes on and not. *face is red again* Oh my god, why am I saying this? He’s right here. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

Fierdan: There is a difference between having clothes on and off. I won’t say I understand the psychology and physiology of what happened to you or even myself, but… *sighs* I don’t know what else to really say. 

Dylan: *pacing back and forth* Okay, so uh.. I said I would stay, but I just feel like I’m intruding now. I don’t get how you ever liked him— Duke, whatever— and I still think that he’s a pain in the ass. I won’t ever understand you two and your weird ways of being. Anyway, I’m gonna get a snack. *walks away*

Stella: Oh my god! I wanted to talk about other stuff too! *sighs and groans* 

Fierdan: Like what? 

Stella: What are romantic feelings like for you? What made you fall for me? We weren’t even friends when we were in school. You didn’t exactly treat me like shit, but like.. I don’t get it. *looks at Dylan in the kitchen* I don’t even know how I feel about Duke. Was I so lonely and desperate for a friend that I just accepted whatever he wanted? Did I even want the romance? The kissing though.. fucking kill me. 

 Fierdan: Okay, this is getting excessive. 

Stella: What? 

Fierdan: It’s been several months. We both moved on. I have a boyfriend now. Shit, Stella.. we broke up. I can’t even say ‘we’ since it wasn't even me as I am now. Duke is gone. Why are you so caught up in how I felt about you as Duke all that time ago? 

Stella: I don’t know! *shivers* This isn’t even about romance or sex. I don’t know how to even bring it all up. It scares me. I’m so scared that I’m heartless and unable to love anyone. I can’t form attachments to anyone. I’m such a shitty person. 

Dylan: *walking back to the room where Stella and Fierdan are, holding a bag of mini pretzels* I found the pretzels. *notices Stella* What the hell happened when I was gone? What did you say to her, Fierdan? 

Fierdan: Nothing. She got all emotional out of nowhere. 

Dylan: *rolls eyes* Yeah, sure. 

Fierdan: You really do think I’m the worst, huh? 

Dylan: Because you are. *grabs a fistful of pretzels and starts eating them* 

Stella: *has a wild look in her eyes* I’m fatigued. My social battery is drained. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t handle it. 

Dylan: Oh, we can leave. 

Fierdan: Of course not! She needs to not be alone right now. 

Dylan: She wants to be alone. Let’s go. 

Fierdan: No. *sighs* Stella, tell us what’s wrong. You look like you’re about to cry. 

Stella: Fuck! Why can’t I fucking feel anything? Why didn’t it affect me? 

Dylan: What do you mean? 

Fierdan: Is this about how you felt about Duke? 

Stella: No, no. This isn’t about him. It’s about me being an emotionless and heartless piece of shit! *starts crying* 

Dylan: Well, I’m so confused right now. She didn’t just want to talk about her questioning her sexuality? 

Fierdan: Hmm, I guess not. I don’t really know what she’s getting at. 

Stella: *yells* I felt fucking nothing! That isn’t normal! 

Fierdan: Then let’s talk about it. 

Stella: I don’t know how! That’s the problem! *sighs* I can’t believe I’m saying this, but spending time with both of you together in my apartment is making me want to get a drink. But wait, I don’t have any alcohol on me! *groans* 

Fierdan: Are you.. okay? 

Dylan: Of course she isn’t, you dense piece of shit. 

Fierdan: Ugh, why do you always have to do that? 

Dylan: Do what? 

Fierdan: Whatever you always do with me. 

Dylan: *sighs, eats more pretzels* 

Fierdan: You’re the one who’s a jerk. 

Stella: Stop fucking arguing! For crying out loud, can you two fucking quit it? 

Dylan: *chews pretzels, glares at Fierdan* 

Fierdan: Ignore him. How long have you been keeping all of this bottled up? 

Dylan: *in an annoyed voice* Hey. 

Fierdan: *sighs* I’m sorry about before, Dylan. 

Dylan: Whatever. That was fucked up though.

Stella: *rubs my eyes* Fine, fine! I’ll talk if that’ll stop your petty arguing. But first, pass me the pretzels. 

————————————

I’ll end it here. I can’t think of a better place to end it unless I continue this skit part for even longer.

This feels like a very long one. It’s long enough.

Things will continue in Confessions 4. More confessions.. oh boy.

Alright then. Bye. 

~ Shan / Shyrah / the person who wrote whatever the hell this was (What’s a name? *shrugs* I’m me. There’s no one else.)