Valentine’s Day was a pretty good day for me actually. I was in a good mood that day.
I got to see my family, including some cousins, virtually. Zoom meeting. That was nice.
The reason? Not that nice. It was an online mourning thing. Yes, I’m being vague on purpose. Bear with me.
I miss her. ....... I miss them. :( ;-;
I had a phone call with my grandma for a while afterwards that same night. I haven’t done that in a long time. It was nice talking with her.
Yeah heh....... ^-^”
And now it’s Friday. I don’t have Friday classes. Nice.
What else am I willing to share here? Hmm...
Well, I’ve been thinking about how I used to write skits and have Fierdan never sleep and how I thought that was funny by how much I exaggerated his insomnia.
My sense of humor sure has changed a lot over the years. I don’t find that as funny anymore. Thinking back on my old skits, they feel so exaggerated. Like they’re parodies of something.. my own work, I suppose.
I also sometimes find myself worrying and feeling guilty for bringing self-harm into it so much in the past. Especially when I first started.
Because lately (actually for a year or two at least), it’s been messing me up a lot more than I realized.
I have triggers. But they’re very specific and depend on the situations. But.. damn it, I have triggers. Some content screws me up. And specific self-harm types is one of them. I can write what I mean more specifically, but I won’t. I just don’t want to.
And I find myself thinking about what I said about my characters (*cough* Duke, Stella (aka Twinkle), and Fierdan *cough*) in the earlier years on this.. blog or whatever this even is. And I’m like “Fuck. Why the fuck did I do that?” and I feel so stupid for my past self who was so naive.
I thought I could handle it, but I’m not sure I can anymore. I imagine my characters in such complex ways. They’re like actual people in my head. They feel so realistic to me at this point.
So, well, yes. I still think of some of my characters having suffered from self-harm in their pasts. Including in the ways that I’ve realized messed me up severely. I can’t just erase it like “haha never mind all that, they didn’t do [x, y, z] to themselves.” I just.. can’t. Because they did. They did.
This probably doesn’t make sense to anyone else. Why am I even still here? I’m not sure.
I’m chaotic. I’m unstable. I’m emotional. I think I have low empathy. I’m mentally ill. I’m fucked up.
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Mental Health update. But very vague.:
There’s a possibly good chance that I have ADHD and OCD. I still don’t know for certain, but I relate to the symptoms and just overall experiences of people with those disorders a lot. Like, A Lot.
I talk about my experiences in online chats about ADHD and OCD. I relate and feel not alone in being the way I am.
I also talked about my possible symptoms of ADHD and OCD to my doctor (GP). So....
Yeah.
She can only help me so much. I need a proper psychologist and psychiatrist to get tested and diagnosed. All that official stuff. She wants me to do that. Really, really wants me to.
But I’m still terrified and stressed of reaching out.
Which is...... fuck, idk.
I have another Telemedicine doctor appointment on Saturday. I feel like I’m going to disappoint my doctor.
What the hell is wrong with me?! :’D hahahaaa-
I’ve been on Prozac for around a month. A little over a month at this point.
The dose is too low for me to really feel a difference in my intrusive thoughts. I still get them. Like a few hours ago (haha.. oh shit). I’m saying this because I probably got prescribed it since I opened up about my OCD symptoms (like- intrusive thoughts and mental compulsions).
The first week or so on it, I felt fine. Things were good. Then I returned to college and got hit by a lot of nasty side effects. I talked about it after my first week back at college since I had a Telemedicine appointment that weekend.
It’s been hell after that as well. I had so many random and weird body aches.
I got prescribed another medication which I’ve been taking since Saturday. Ever since then, I haven’t had any bad physical pains. So that’s good, I guess.
It’s an anti-anxiety drug. Not Xanax btw lol.
One of the side effects I had before taking the anti-anxiety one was increased anxiety. I would feel so much physical anxiety in the morning. And it was disproportionate to how I felt emotionally. Like, my physical anxiety and thoughts and emotions were on totally different wavelengths. Having panic attacks right when I woke up in the morning wasn’t fun. Ha, ha, ahh...
I haven’t experienced that recently, thankfully. I hated that.
I also hated the random rashes I would get on my arms that would come and go and return and leave again. Throughout the day, either of my arms would randomly get a rash that usually lasted an hour or two. My arms would sometimes also hurt as well.
I also got headaches that lasted all day no matter what I did to alleviate the symptoms, stomach cramps/nausea, chest pain (heart, ribs), neck pain, and maybe I’m forgetting something. But yeah. It sucked. I was in pain almost every day. It hurt and was inconvenient.
Things have improved over this week. So that’s good. I don’t miss the pain.
Yeah, I’m saying all this here. Screw mental health stigma. I have mental health issues. It’s pretty obvious. Like come on now. Look at me. Look at this “blog”. Come on.
I’m not dead. Not yet anyway.
~ Shan / Cutepups
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